|Glenn is seen here on the Insider magic eye commanding the magic voice box he uses to talk to America to come on. The Insider magic eye is available only to Glenn Beck Insiders. Learn more...|
GLENN: We have a president yesterday who said that he's going to -- what was it? -- fix science back into her rightful place. Oh, thank goodness because I have been trying to start my car with magic rocks lately and I have been -- I've been praying to the broom God to be able to have my house cleaned. Oh, thank goodness we're back fixed on science and putting that back in her rightful place because we've been so unhinged from science, haven't we, Stu?
Stu, turn on that magic voice cone in front of you. It's so weird. He's got like -- I found this metal voice cone and I just put it in front of him and his voice can magically be heard all across the country.
STU: Male voice cone on! Male voice call cone on! Go!
GLENN: No, hang on, hang on, hang on. Wait, hang on. I have to pray to the magic on switch god. Dear on switch god, please turn on Stu's metal voice cone.
STU: Hello? Oh, thank you, magic cone.
GLENN: Praise the gods! Praise the gods! Oh, you've witnessed yet another miracle. Stu.
GLENN: Aren't you glad we're putting science back in her rightful place?
STU: Oh, I really am, yeah.
GLENN: Because we're going to be so reasonable again.
STU: That's because that's all we've missed here is we've been going on blind faith and now that we have someone who is based in science and reason, everything will turn around for our country.
GLENN: Let me tell you something. I'm going to give you ten steps. Once you put science in her rightful place, once you say stop, stop praying to the sun god to get cooler, because it's not going to happen. Well, it is happening right now but stop praying to the sun god because the sun god doesn't exist or at least isn't listening right now. Use science! Do the things that will bring the Earth cool... weather... stuff.
So here's the ten easy steps, and this, I get this right out of Minnesota. They have been worried about global warming. You'd think, common sense would tell you, you live in Minnesota, wouldn't you like it a little bit warmer? I'm just sayin'. But this comes right out of Minnesota where they are so green, they are so concerned about the Earth, they never abandon science. They've had science in a rightful place the whole time! And let me show you, let me show you what these superior green thinking citizens have done.
Step one, when you have science firmly in her seat, you realize, you hate mongering flat-earth Holocaust denier, that the Earth is dying and being green is school. So you as Minnesotans decide to do something about it. But I mean, it's just, you've got to do something. I mean, you don't really have a plan, but because you've put science in her place, do something because at least it's something. The flat Earther Holocaust deniers, they don't want to do anything about it.
So step two, you mandate that school fuel for the buses is at least 2% biofuel. So all of the buses that are out there in Minnesota, you've got to have 2% biofuel because biofuel is doing something because we have science back in her rightful place! 2% biofuel. Then you give that idea right to the political leaders because the political leaders, they don't make -- I think Barack Obama pointed it out in his speech yesterday that we haven't made it through tough times, and he said it with a straight face, just because of the intellect and the service of those in government. Just because or in spite of? Oh, well, details, details. We're talking science! .
So anyway, the 2% biofuel, give it right to the government. And the government, they don't bother looking into biofuels enough to realize that they turn into gel below 10 degrees. This biofuel idea might be a good idea in Florida. Probably a bad idea in Minnesota. But the greenies, they have put science firmly in her seat. They have fixed reason and science in her seat and they know you're just a flat Earth Holocaust denier.
All right. So biofuel turns to gel below 10 degrees. Step four, Minnesota gets colder than 10 degrees.
Step five, buses get clogged and don't work. Step six, districts in coldest areas try to get a waiver to use the Earth-killing fuel that actually works. Step seven, state, the government can't turn it around fast enough. Can't give you a waiver on that just higgledy-piggledy. We've got to engage in science!
Step eight, some buses don't run, some break down, some children on buses not running going, "It's so cold." That's right, kids, it is cold! You know why? Because of global warming and this cooling just proves how warm the Earth is getting! It's science.
Step nine, children get stranded at bus stops when the temperature is lower than 10 degrees. Step ten, entire school district forced to close down.
Now, there's a scientific green initiative that I hope we can get from the federal government. I mean, the state can't do it. Of course not. They are too close to the problem. You've got to get farther away from the problem. You have to -- it needs much more of a global solution. That green initiative that felt so good when all the politicians were touting its brilliance has children now freezing on the side of the road waiting for a bus that will never take them to that education that will fail them. Isn't that fantastic? Kids missing out on an education? Making it more likely that they will grow up, good he the in government and push for another green initiative? Of course, green may not be spelled correctly, and initiative will just be INT. "I'm just writing it quickly." They just won't know how to spell it but only because they've saved the planet and they were standing there in the cold saving the planet and not getting that education. Oh, I am so glad that we can return to a world ruled by science, aren't you?
I was just burning a straw man in my backyard. Every year -- I mean, sometimes I do straw. Usually I like to do wicker, but I've gotten in trouble in my neighborhood because I don't know where you get -- I mean, what tree -- is it a wicker tree? I don't even know what tree to get wicker from. So I've just been taking people's, you know, wicker baskets and their wicker chair and furniture in my neighborhood and building them into Wicker Mans and then standing on top and putting dogs, small animals, sometimes heads of children into the Wicker Man and burning it. But it's a religious thing. I do that while I'm clinging to my guns. And I was just action as I was burning the straw man the other day because I ran out of wicker furniture, and I was burning the straw man with a small little child that disagreed with me on creation and I said to my friend, I said, "He wants to get back into science." And he said, "Really? Science? Science is an enemy of god, you know." And then we just went... (laughing evilly) As we watched the straw man and the little baby who disagreed with us on creation just burn. But... then we got drunk and went back to our trailer where we just made some sweet tender love to some 14-year-old hotties, had a six-pack of brew because that's what we do.
But the one thing that we don't do is have our children out on the bus stop waiting for a bus that will never come because it's filled with gel to save the Earth. Oh, another thing that we don't do, but this is just because we're hate mongering idiots: The other thing we don't do is we definitely don't raise the biodiesel requirement in Minnesota, you know, for the gel that doesn't work, we definitely don't raise that from 2% to 20%. But the elite do.
Oh, there's something else. You know how I stay warm, you know by The Wicker Man fire? As I'm praying to my magic (inaudible). Apparently these scientists that we are now going to follow, they have something called a heated garage. Have you ever heard of that, Stu? Turn on your magic voice cone. Hang on, hang on. God, god of the airwaves, please, please, please turn on his magic voice cone. I will serve thee.
GLENN: Goodness, it works every time.
GLENN: So Stu.
GLENN: Have you ever heard of a heated garage before?
STU: I assume that if you were to pray to the sun god enough, the sun god --
GLENN: What is sun? Is that -- I saw it this morning, that flaming orb in the sky? I got up and I thought, "The sky is on fire!"
STU: Yeah. You know what's amazing about that is I think it's like 100 miles away because it's really, you have to yell really loud to the sun god for them to hear you. But if you do that long enough, they will heat the inside of a garage where the car gods creation --
GLENN: Okay, that's weird. I don't know how this heated garage thing works but apparently the school districts in Minnesota are keeping their buses in heated garages all night so the gel doesn't freeze so they can save the Earth. It's a good thing that these so-called heated garages, you know, don't run on electricity or any kind of fuel or anything.
STU: Yeah, they don't run on energy. They run on sun god power.
GLENN: Okay. And I don't mean rain or sleet on your green parade because I'm just a hick that's just taking science and run it through the mud. But if the result of 2% diesel fuel is that you have to heat a garage, aren't you using more energy than you would have been if you would have just used the regular old fuel that actually works? Oh, I'm sorry, I don't understand science; there's something else they are doing, too. Some of the buses, they can't get them into the heated garages, so they are just letting them idle all night.
You know what the problem is there? They haven't passed one of those laws yet where it's illegal to let your car idle. They need to pass that law to save the Earth to make sure that you can have your car idle.
STU: Think of how much less energy we would use if kids just didn't go to school at all.
GLENN: God of the airwaves, please turn off the magic voice cone of Stu.