GLENN: But I want to talk to you about a couple of other things that are on my desk and if I don't get to them today, I won't get back to them. The woman who's having the octuplets, did anybody see the TV show on last night, Robert George on, professor from Princeton University, and we were talking about this. You know, everybody is like, "You know, I want to put this..." let me give you this story. Here is this woman who is having octuplets, find out that she's had six other children, giving you two more children than you need to field an entire basketball franchise. Brainteaser for both conservatives and liberals. From a conservative perspective, you know, children are God's gift, you know, this is what we're here for, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but you're crazy if you have 14 kids! I don't say that as a conservative. I say that as a dad who says you're crazy if you've got 14 children! Four is enough. Four may be too much. Four, it's like if you have more than two cats, you're crazy. Think if you have more than one kid, you may be -- I'm just saying, personal experience. But you want to have 14 kids? God bless you. It's up to you. You can have 14 kids. If you look at the quotes from the doctors, conservatives should love this story even more. "Our patient was counseled regarding her options for the pregnancy. The options were to continue the pregnancy or selectively abort. Patient chose to continue the pregnancy." Does the term "Selectively abort" make you all warm and cuddly inside? I love that. The fact that she chose to keep the kids is a nice touch in today's world. However, on the other side she went to the turkey baster people and she had eight put into her, eight that are now going to be on the public dole.
Look, I have no problem with Angelina Jolie having 135 kids. Hey, they got a big enough house. Have you seen the house? They got a huge house, they got plenty of money. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. And the good thing is all the kids, male and female, can look at their parents and go, "Not really my parents." Man, they are hot. But when you're getting some of my money, perhaps intentionally popping out another eight kids not really the best idea. I got my own kids I'm trying to pay for.
On the other side if you're a liberal, you've got to love the fact that the mom of 14 is a single mom. Shows all the evil conservatives you don't need a dad, she can do it herself. However, on the other side she's dreamt her whole life about being a mom. Conservatives feel, "Oh, look at that, here's a woman who wants to be a mom." On the other side, "She wanted to be a mom? She's proving that she can do it without a man but she dreamt about being a mom? Doesn't she realize she could be so much more than just a mom?" But at the same time, 14 children! What the heck is wrong with you! But on the other side, "14 kids, that's really what it's all about." But on the other side, "Do you know what a drain on the environment that is?" Environmentalists now are saying, I kid you not, that we should have a two-child limit like China's one-child limit. I actually know this woman. She's from China. She's over here on a work visa and she can't wait to go back home. And I said, "What is it that you're looking forward to going back to China? I mean, doesn't that whole Chinese thing kind of spook you?" And she looked at me. And I said, oh, yeah, that doesn't sound right. You know, the government, the communist thing? She said, oh, you know what? They have their problems, but everybody has their problems. I mean, every country has their own quirks. I said, how about the one-child-only policy? She said, I know, that one's tough. My sister had a second baby. They hid it for about six months. They finally came, took the baby and -- what did she call it? Something like took care of it. She said, "My sister and my brother really haven't gotten over that." And I said, "Took care of it? Is that kind of a euphemism for we're going to drown it in a rice paddy?" "Well, you know, every government has..." are you kidding me? Now environmentalists are saying this woman is using seven times the resources as the maximum that, you know, these tree huggers will accept from the evil breeders. And by the way, I'm using thei r language. That's what you're known as. That's what she's known as, a breeder. It's the attack of the octuplets.
So here's my solution. You drop all the children off at Angelina's doorstep with a note that says, "They're from a completely unheard of African country that only has white orphans. They just fall out of the sky, and they're all biodegradable." They all get adopted, problem solved, we move on with our life.
You know, I asked Professor George who is one of the big conservative thinkers last night, Robert George, this guy is amazing. He just got a medal from the president. I don't know, Superman of the Earth or whatever it is. And he is probably the leading authority on the right to life and everything else. And I said you wouldn't have gotten -- this woman wouldn't have been able to adopt kids, one, let alone eight. I said, how can she -- I mean, where is the responsibility of the turkey baster people? He said, "Well, that's the biggest problem. None of it's regulated. There are no rules on turkey basting." I mean, you know, whatever, got a turkey baster, will do, we're opening up shop. There's no thought at all. I believe you have to go and get a psych evaluation if you want to have plastic surgery. No, Stu, I think you do. If you want to have serious plastic surgery, I think you're required to have some sort of a psych thing.
STU: Right, but you're saying --
GLENN: I don't know how the cat lady got past it.
STU: You are saying that the problem, you are saying we shouldn't have the PATRIOT Act because we don't want to give the government any power. In our you are complaining about birthing children because there's no regulation?
GLENN: No, no, no.
STU: It's like you're saying parenting license.
GLENN: No, no, this is a problem. I'm saying, look, you want to look like the cat lady, look like the cat lady. You want somebody to cut you up, great. I wish there were more doctors that say, I'm not going to make you look like a cat, I'm just sayin'. Be, hey, you want to look like a cat, whiskers and all, go ahead. I'm sure you'll find some dope that will do it for you. Just don't come complaining to me when you're like, "I don't have the money to take the whiskers out now." Sucks to be you, doesn't it, cat lady? (Singing meow, meow). "I'm the President of the United States. Next." "Yes, I'm the cat lady and I had whiskers put in." That's all I say to you, (singing meow, meow) -- you're not listening to me anymore, (singing meow). That's what I do.
STU: Thank you. I think what you're asking for is for people to be responsible and --
GLENN: Be responsible. You are being responsible. I'm asking you, you can get an adoption. You don't think that maybe -- I mean, if you're for the adoption thing and all the regulation on adoption, you don't think that maybe that should just blend into the whole "We're just making up a batch of boys and girls now and pouring them right into your belly."
STU: But I mean, you are not going to regulate sex. Anyone can go out and have as many kids as they want by the old-fashioned way.
GLENN: That is -- the old-fashioned way is the old-fashioned way.
STU: Well, I know it is.
GLENN: This is somebody coming in, "Mix me up a bunch of boys and girls, will you?" I mean, I think I have a problem with that.
STU: I understand --
GLENN: Only because I'm paying for it. You're paying for it. The children are paying for it.
STU: But you can have -- again how do you regulate that?
GLENN: Because you are asking for a procedure. You are creating life. This isn't, "Put whiskers in my cheeks." This is, "Give me a batch of boys and girls. I'll take three girls and four boys."
STU: That's what sex is.
GLENN: No, it's not.
STU: Yes, it is.
GLENN: No, it's not.
STU: It creates life. You have to --
GLENN: Whoa. Whoa, whoa. Holy cow, my wife has been tricking me. That's how that works?
STU: Yeah, it's crazy.
GLENN: No, it's different. This is a natural thing. This is, "I want eight of them put into me. I want that one and that one and that one and that one and then you just pick, surprise me. Put them in me."
STU: But you wouldn't limit someone who wanted to have sex every nine months and reproduce another kid.
GLENN: I would be the same way on adoption, the same way with adoption. Look, if it's Angelina Jolie, you can have 135 kids. You seem to be -- even though I may not agree with you on everything, you seem to be a reasonable person. The whole, is his name serial killer spooky actor guy?
STU: She's moved on from Billy Bob Thornton.
GLENN: However, I think we have to have a talk. Whole blood in the vial around my neck thing. You seem to be a reasonable person, you got the money, you can take care of the kids, I don't -- it's not me to say how you're going to raise them. But if you want to have 135 kids, you can have 135 kids. But you are somebody that can afford to have the 135 kids.
Now, if you are having them God's way and you're like, "Yep, she just shoots them out at night," that's fine. I have no place. But if you're asking for a business to create a life for you, I think we do have regulation. I don't know. The ram man, half ram, half man, I think we could have a little regulation there.
STU: Well, what about the fertilization drugs? Or any procedure that might increase your chance of having twins?
GLENN: Stu, I'm not this smart.
GLENN: Stop. This is why people don't think these things. This is why nobody goes down this road because it's like, I don't know!
STU: This is why you drop the kids off at Angelina's house.
GLENN: Exactly right!
STU: And move on with your life.
GLENN: Did you hear my solution?
STU: I understand it now.
GLENN: This is how it's solved. We don't have to have these conversations if everyone was just responsible. If everybody stopped thinking of their children, "Well, that's what I've always wanted. I've always wanted a whole bunch of kids." How about we think about what the kids would get with you as a mom and dad, or a mom and no dad, and a mom with no dad and two parents that just went, "She's crazy as bats. We had to get away from her. She's destroying the family." I think maybe people just need to take a moment and stop -- again I go back to Captain Sully. He called his library and said, "You know that book I just checked out? Professional Life Ethics? I just checked that out and it's in the belly of the plane and I'm not going to be able to return it." He did it with no one watching. Why? Because he had responsibility. He had made a promise to someone. When you're creating life, no matter if you do it in a test tube, a paint bucket, you know, the old-fashioned way, the stork, you are making a contract. You are promising, whether you like it or not, it may just like, "She was hot." Sorry. That pen's ink ain't invisible. It lasts forever. You're signing a contract in there and you're saying, "I'm making life. So now I'm in charge of that life. I am responsible for that life. I'm responsible for caring for it, paying for it, raising it, trying to help shape that child into a better human than I was, trying to move the ball of humanity down the field a little bit." When you're just higgledy-piggledy, "I just want a cute little baby," I don't think so.
STU: I don't know. I can understand the government regulating the end of life. That is something that is clearly at some level everyone would agree that that's in their powers. When you're talking about the government regulating the creation of it...
GLENN: We're talking about commerce.
STU: Yeah, but --
GLENN: We're talking about commerce.
STU: Just because deposit --
GLENN: We regulate energy. We can't regulate embryos?
STU: We do regulate energy but the question of it being the correct thing to do in most cases is something I would argue to the death.
GLENN: Here again is the solution. People need to be responsible.
STU: But they're not responsible.
GLENN: Okay then. Then we need to decide, are we going to be a society that says, "Oh, well, they weren't responsible; so we've got to go help them out. Let's go help them out." Or, do we say everyone is responsible for their own choices? Sorry, nobody's too big to fail, and step over the drug addict.
STU: Right. If you -- here's where I come in. This is my policy, I think. When this woman comes into the "I want to pop out eight new babies" center and she says I want to pop out eight new babies, she gets a note and that note says, "We will never give you a dime for any of these new babies."
GLENN: Yeah, when she first walks in before the turkey baster.
STU: And then she signs it and we may take her kids away from her.
GLENN: If somebody walks in and says, I want to have 14 kids, you don't have a job, she hasn't had a job in her case since 2002. "You haven't had a job since 2002, you already have six kids." "I want to have eight more babies." "Okay, tell me a little bit about yourself." "Well, I have a farm and the kids, we all, we have animals and we raise our own eggs and we have our chickens and we live like they used to live a long time ago." "Okay. I got no problem." But if you're like, "Yeah, well, I live in an apartment in the middle of the city. I'm on government assistance and, well, I really haven't worked. Although I was qualified, I just couldn't find something I really liked." No kids for you.
STU: Because the company certainly has the choice to not provide the service.
GLENN: Exactly right.
STU: But you know some company is going to provide it at some point.
GLENN: That's fine. But I don't have to be responsible for what some company and some idiot does. And the best way to solve it is for all of us to reconnect with our values, to know what's important. And it's not about you. And to be ethical, is there nobody in this company who's like, "I don't think we should put that turkey baster in here. I'm just sayin'."