VOICE: A series dedicated to President Obama's everything science.
GLENN: Of course, you know, this show has won all kinds of science awards over the years. Like we've got plaques and plates and stuff like that that are hanging on all the walls, a lot of ribbons and stuff. But we like to also, we like to also bring you some of the science, you know, for people who are toting their guns appeared reading their Bibles. Scientists today have made another discovery. It was the mother of all snakes. A nightmarish behemoth as long as a school bus, as heavy as a Volkswagen Beetle that ruled the ancient Amazonian rainforest for two million years before slithering into nonexistence. Now this monster which weighed in at 2500 pounds has resurfaced in fossils taken from an open pit coal mine in Colombia. A startling example of growth gone wild. We should have -- why are we disrupting this snake seminary to dig for coal? The snake is estimated at 43 feet long. That is the size of the largest T-Rex that scientists currently know of. "This is amazing. It challenges everything we know about how big a snake can be," says herpetologist -- hang on, side note here, your Honor. Did you ever introduce yourself as a herpetologist? Spelled herpetologist? "So what do you do for a living?" "I'm a herpetologist." Okay, thanks. I've got to go wash my hands. So he's a herpetologist and also a Holocaust denier obviously. Jack Conrad of the American Museum of Natural History who is apparently denying that science on snakes has been settled a long time ago. Scientists identified hundreds of specimens that have been dug from the mine including the largest freshwater turtle ever known and beautifully preserved skeletons of an extinct species of crocodile known to have been in South America but never seen there before. Wow, finally science is back in her rightful place, huh? The fact that they had no idea these crocodiles were ever there is just proof that they really did know that they had always been there. You know, you read your Bible, you don't understand.
The find not only sheds new light on snake evolution but it also provides telling insights on climate. Wait a minute. Insights on climate? Hello, Mr. Flat earther, there are no insights left on climate. The debate is over; the science is settled. The snake flourished about 58 million to 60 million years ago, because it was cold-blooded. The tropical climate was 6 to 8 degrees warmer than it is today. Hold it just a second. The climate was 6 to 8 degrees warmer? What? I thought nine out of the ten warmest years have all been within the last six months. Isn't that what Al Gore said, something like that? Or maybe it's 99% of the warmest 100 minutes have all been within the last 120 seconds. I have the ice core some place. I don't know exactly, but I do know my 12-year-old understands this so much better than I do. I still can't get past this. The tropical climate had to be 6 to 8 degrees warmer than it is today for a snake that large to survive. What Holocaust denier came up with that kind of information? Hello, Dick Cheney. That wasn't Dick Cheney. It was actually evolutionary biologist Jason Head of the University of Toronto. "This sheds some light on the current theories about what happens at the equator during periodic bouts of natural global warming." Wait a minute. University of -- evolutionary biologist Jason Head of the University of Toronto: What happens at the equator during periodic bouts of natural global warming? Natural global warming? Impossible! Oh, and I'm sure the Jews weren't burned by the Nazis!
"One school of thought" -- quoting -- "one school of thought holds that temperatures at the equator are buffered, staying relatively constant while more northern and southern latitudes heat up." Schools of thought? The debate is over, scientists. Stop thinking! But really, seriously what do the Holocaust deniers believe happened to the snake? I mean, remember it had to be 6 to 8 degrees warmer than it was now just to survive. Researchers now believe -- quoting from the article -- that the climate got even hotter, hastening. Wait a minute. So temperatures have never been warmer than they are today except when they're 6 to 8 degrees warmer and when they're warmer than that. But this one degree of warming that we're dealing with now definitely going to set the Earth on fire. By the way, the 1 degree of warming that we really don't have now because it's been going down in temperature for the last few years.
Oh, my gosh, see, this is why we win awards in science on this program. Because you flat earthers probably don't -- you know, you don't think in the scientific way. I just realized these scientists had to be paid by big oil, big tobacco and big snake, you know? Come up with a fake study that they won't even have peer review.
By the way, you can read this paper in that hard core right-wing blog known as Nature.