GLENN BECK PROGRAM
BECK: Stop the music. Comrade! Comrade, good news from the Western front!
STU: What is it, comrade?
BECK: Oh, John Edwards.
STU: I love that guy.
BECK: He's got big plans for the motherland. Sacrifice must be policy!
STU: What a ??
BECK: Headlines for everyone. Oh, remember the good old days, comrade, here in the Soviet Union where we used to stand in line for toilet paper?
STU: Yes, as our leaders drove by in their brand new cars? Oh, comrade.
BECK: Those were the days. We almost, we almost had the motherland under Jimmy Carter. People were starting to get used to sitting in line checking their license plate: Can I buy gas today, or is it tomorrow. Oh, soon, comrade, soon those days will be back.
STU: It was a great way to learn your even and odd numbers.
BECK: John Edwards says if he's elected President of the United States, he'll institute a New Deal like Sweet of programs. Now, they spell "Suite" S-U-I-T-E but here we spell a suite of New Deal programs S-W-E-E-T, sweet. He says he's going to fight poverty and stem growing wealth disparity. To do so he says he'll ask many Americans to make sacrifices like paying higher taxes to the motherland! He says the federal government should underwrite universal prekindergarten, create matching savings accounts for low income people, mandate a minimum wage of $9.50 and provide a million new Section 8 housing vouchers for the poor! Plus, plus, comrade, our children will be indoctrinated for free! College for everybody!
STU: Oh, comrade, this guy's fantastic. What country is this guy running for, president?
BECK: President of the motherland!
STU: The Western front?
BECK: The Western front.
STU: Comrade, if I may ask one quick clarification. Did he add a policy of giving automatic 100% returns in savings accounts? Is that what you said?
BECK: He pledged the Government funding, higher education, mandate minimum wage, million new Section 8.
STU: Right before minimum wage was something like mandated government match of savings?
BECK: Match savings accounts.
STU: Is that government guaranteeing 100% return?
BECK: Is that great?
STU: Wouldn't that be great, comrade? All you have to be is poor in America. And there's going to be so many new people take advantage of that program!
BECK: If he has his way, I may be poor in America, too! Oh, the suiteness of his New Deal of suite programs!
STU: Hail to Czar Edwards.