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GLENN: Hey, you know what's really, you know what's really great? Did you hear -- this is so good. Did you hear about H. R. 80 that was passed yesterday by the house?
STU: Actually I don't know if -- I don't know why you didn't come by, but we did have that H.R. 80 party yesterday.
GLENN: Yeah, we were so excited about H.R. 80. A lot of people don't know what H.R. 80 is, but the science is settled on the people that don't know about H.R. 80.
STU: Can you imagine living your life not having knowledge about H.R. 80?
GLENN: No, uh-uh. That, of course -- let me talk down to you -- is the Captive Primate Safety Act. H.R. 80, of course, is our government hard at work for you.
Stu, let's just call the conversation that we had about 7:00 this morning when you were sitting in my office and the sun was starting to rise over the beautiful Chrysler building and the eagles on the sides of that building were being struck by the sunlight and the ribbons that are going down the front of the Empire State building were just being kissed by the sunlight in the morning and it was just a beautiful rosy red sky this morning and I said to you, Stu, they just passed the chimp act in the House of Representatives. And you said, "Oh. So now you can't have any monkeys at your house?" And I said yes. Look at that beautiful sky. Breathtaking.
STU: It was, wasn't it.
GLENN: And I said, Stu, why would you say that they passed that?
STU: Is it because chimps might be tearing the face off of people?
GLENN: That was a good idea. The chimps might be tearing the face off of people. That's a good reason to pass H.R. 80, sure, okay.
STU: Could it be that they're worried that chimps being pets may lead to more cartoons that are offensive?
GLENN: That's a possibility.
STU: Could be that.
GLENN: Stu said to me because of the chimp thing, and I said, okay, now be your cynical self, your most cynical self. What was the answer? Do you remember your answer? Or were you too busy looking at the glistening of the sunlight?
STU: I was too stunned by the beauty of the ribbons.
GLENN: It's morning in America. Whew, it's going to be a very bad day if this is morning in America. Here it is. I said to Stu, what is your most cynical way to look at this? And you say -- and he said it was just because it was on TV.
STU: In the news, everyone was talking about chimps for some reason, let's make a law about it.
GLENN: So it wasn't even about saving people having their face ripped off. It was because, look at us, we're involved in doing something, we're helping people. I said, even you are not cynical enough. Listen to the name of H.R. 80 again: The captive primitive safety act. I'm sorry, primate. I don't have my glasses on. Captive Primate Safety Act. This was a bill introduced in congress by the humane society to make sure the chimps, like the one that ripped the face off of a human being, would never be held captive in a cage at a home because that's cruel and unusual punishment. They weren't doing your bidding. When you thought you were being cynical and thought to yourself these people are just trying to get their name in the paper, they're just trying to look good like they're just helping people out, they're wasting time banning monkeys in our country. Oh, yeah, I don't know about you but, boy, do we have -- my neighborhood is just riddled with chimpanzees. It's crazy with chimpanzees. Everybody's got a chimpanzee ready to rip your face off. How is this possible? When you are cynical and you think they're wasting your money on a chimpanzee problem, then you realize, "No, you're not cynical enough." This was to protect not you but the chimpanzees! I can't --
STU: Is this not --
GLENN: I can't take it.
STU: -- essentially like they pass a law saying that you can't create an engine that sucks birds into it? Because it's not protecting the people.
STU: It's protecting the birds.
GLENN: Yes, yes. This would be like them saying there's a new "You can't land planes on rivers anymore. We're going to have a new superjet engine that we're designing right now so that won't happen again." When you find out that it wasn't about the people that landed in the river and it wasn't about a jet. It was about to make sure that there's no jets in the sky because they might hurt the poor little birds. Who the hell is running this country? Oh, no, I'm cynical enough to answer that question. I know exactly who's running this country. Crazy people.