Joe Biden? The debate continues...
GLENN: I want to talk to you about something very serious here, something that I feel, well, some people might say this is an extremist point of view, some people might say that this is crazy talk. Whatever, that's fine, but I think it should be said. I believe we should wrap the president's head in tinfoil, some sort of a tinfoil hat, some ‑‑ and I also think it should be camouflaged, at least on the top of it. It can look like tinfoil everywhere else, but on the top of it, it should be camouflaged. I know it's a very slim chance, but there is a chance that aliens are watching, and I don't ever want them to know the whereabouts of the president of the United States. I don't ever want to aliens up in some spaceship going, "Hey, maybe, maybe we should beam up the president, huh? We'll get the president." I don't ever want him to disappear. I don't want him beamed up on any ship. I want him in a tinfoil camouflaged hat. Doesn't have to be ‑‑ again, Mr. President, you think it's stylish not to ‑‑ you know, to have the tinfoil, that's fine. Just from high above, I want it to look like there's no one standing there. I don't want you to ever have dinner with Shirley MacLaine. I want an ankle bracelet on Dennis Kucinich and I want to make sure Dennis Kucinich is at least 100 yards away from the president at all times. I don't want them in the same place. Dennis talks to the aliens, you know. I guess I should probably explain at this point why the president, to make sure everything ‑‑ I want the Blackberry taken from him if we have to.
As I'm listening to the latest Joe Biden nightmare where Joe Biden has revealed where the secret bunker is! I think to myself, Good Lord, he's in line for the presidency. It makes me pine for the days with Dan Quayle! At least Dan Quayle would have said, "I don't... bunk, what?" Joe Biden is quite possibly the biggest mouth vice president I have ever seen. Don't let him near the meeting with Benjamin Netanyahu today. Don't let him ever near any ‑‑ stop, stop mic'ing the man! We should lock him in the secret bunker!
He gives an interview to Newsweek and he talks about the secret bunker. He said, I'm quoting, a young naval officer gave him a tour of the residence, showed him the hideaway which is behind a massive steel door secured by an elaborate lock with a narrow connecting hallway.
You know what, it would be easier, why don't I just show you. Here are the blueprints. What is he doing! I just want you to know, I hate to boil this down to your pocketbook, but you paid for that massive steel door. You paid for the secret hideaway. It is, for eight years ‑‑ sorry, make that seven years it was the undisclosed location. Now it's not undisclosed anymore. Now it's pretty much disclosed. Now it's pretty ‑‑ oh, really? Hey, is it down that long hallway with the big steel door? That's amazing. It's a secret hideaway!
STU: You have to look on the positive side, though. We have no idea what the color scheme is, we have no idea what wallpaper he might have there.
GLENN: No, no.
STU: We don't know any of those things.
GLENN: We have massive communications equipment right there in the hallway. We know that.
STU: Right, but what scent candles does he have?
GLENN: I don't know. I have no idea.
STU: He could have gone a little further, not much further but he could have gone slightly further at describing the exact ‑‑ I mean, where the secret ‑‑ does he have leather seating, does he have ‑‑ is it microfiber? What does he have? I'd like to know.
GLENN: He even went on to tell Newsweek, the officer explained that when Cheney was in lockdown in this undisclosed location! At the naval observatory right down a long‑hallway with big steel door, lots of equipment in there and stuff. This is where his most trusted aides were also stationed. What is ‑‑ please ‑‑ what, Stu?
STU: Do you see why he said that, though?
STU: This is from the same story. This is where his most trusted aides were stationed, an image that Biden conveyed in a way that suggested we shouldn't be surprised at his policies that emerged were off the wall! (Laughing). This guy's a hoot! You believe that? This is the vice president of the United States who is dumb enough to give away the undisclosed location in an interview with the media and he's making fun of Dick Cheney! Isn't that hilarious?
DAN: What an idiot that Dick Cheney is, huh?
STU: Oh, the guy who kept it secret for the entire time that he was there. Hey, you did it for three months, though. Good job, Joe.
GLENN: Well, but Newsweek did some investigation and they found that neighbors, right after September 11th, were complaining about the construction noises that were going on in the neighborhood and underground, and the neighbors complained and they were told ‑‑ they were visited by secret service and they just said there's some national security things that are happening and get over it. So they didn't say, oh, we're just building a secret location for Dick Cheney. They didn't reveal that, oh, yeah, what we're doing here is having a secret bunker built where the vice president can be! By the way, set your GPS ‑‑ Russia, just set the GPS device right for there because that's ‑‑ going to need some sort of bunker penetrating missile, I think. Get another interview with Joe Biden and he'll tell you how thick the door is.
STU: Can we not ‑‑ can we just take a moment to recall the reason this man is our vice president, the reason he was added to this ticket is to give it gravitas. This idiot is the reason ‑‑
GLENN: But wait, wait. Wait, I've got more good news.
STU: Oh, good.
GLENN: As I'm driving in to work and I'm thinking I need to send tinfoil to the White House. I don't know if they have tinfoil but he should wrap his head so they can't read his mind or know where he is. I want the president to be the boy in the plastic bubble! I don't ‑‑ I want nothing to happen to this man or Joe Biden is our president!
Now, my next thought is what happens if I don't have tinfoil on the head of Joe Biden and the aliens come for Barack Obama and Joe Biden? Third in line is Nancy Pelosi! Number two and number three in line for the presidency, Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi, two people that if they were running banks, we'd fire! And here's the funny part: They are running banks! I can't, I can't take it. I can't take it. You couldn't write this stuff. If we were writing a movie script and I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, and number two gives away the secret location, in the middle of a war." He just gives it out. The people building missiles, we're worried about missiles! North Korea's got missiles going up into space. We're all freaked out about that. That we have the vice president character go out and just give away the secret location where the vice president's been.
STU: I'm surprised he didn't get stimulus funds for an Amtrak stop there.
GLENN: You know what, Stu? Look it up. I'll bet you there will be one.
STU: Secret bunker, dingdong. (Laughing).
GLENN: Next stop, Joe Biden's secret bunker.
GLENN: I mean ‑‑ Stu it's unbelievable. I mean, he is, depend, my favorite character out there right now. I love ‑‑ I'm so glad he's in office because it gives us something, something that just to bring comedy to the situation because there would be none if we started actually looking at these issues. But with Joe Biden there, there's always something, always something to sweeten the pot.
DAN: Does anyone doubt that Al‑Jazeera's upping their booking efforts for an interview with Joe Biden right now?
GLENN: You know what made me think, the first time I thought Wanda Sykes, she wasn't funny. She was right!
STU: On which part?
GLENN: Wanda Sykes, when she did the monologue, when she said, you know, you never want to torture Joe Biden. He'll just talk and talk and talk and talk. She said, Al‑Qaeda will come out of the room as he gave us just volumes worth of stuff. We know all of their secrets. We know absolutely everything. "Did you torture him for long?" Didn't even torture him. He's still in there talking.
STU: You are absolutely right. Look at this. This is exactly the sort of information that our enemies would want and this guy just blurts it out to Newsweek. It's fantastic.
GLENN: It's like there's no one ‑‑ that's why he's so against waterboarding. You don't need to water board people. Just ask them!