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VOICE: And now another scenario in which common sense was clearly not applied.
GLENN: Okay, we had both Mark Chertoff and John Ashcroft on the air over the years and both of them said the same thing: We never use e-mail. Nobody -- if you knew that e-mail never went away, you would never use it. That was their quote. Common sense, especially if you are a politician, for a number of reasons. But if you're a politician who is cheating on their wife in Argentina, it's really a little more than just common sense, isn't it in here's some of the e-mails. Do we have any romantic Barry White music? He writes, "Beloved, back to you. Got back an hour ago to civilization and I'm now in Columbia after what was for me a glorious break from reality down at the farm. No phones ringing and tangible evidence of days labors. They have started every day by 6:00 this morning."
What are you playing? I don't know if this is really romantic music. This is by a group named Hot Chocolate. It's called You Sexy Thing. Stop. You're ruining the mood here. This is not good.
"Though I started every day at 6:00, this morning I woke at 4:30. I guess since my body knew it was the last day, I went out and ran the excavator with the lights until the sun came up. To me, and I suspect no one else on Earth, there's something wonderful about listening to country music playing in the cab, air conditioning running, and the hum of a huge diesel engine in the background." This guy already, this guy's making Al Gore cry.
The tranquillity that comes from being in a virtual wilderness of trees and marsh, the day breaking in vibrant pink coming alive in the morning clouds and getting to build something with each scoop of dirt.
Okay, I think this is the courtship period. This is before he's had a slice of that pie. You know what I'm saying? He's trying to look poetic and he's like, I don't know, I drove a tractor all day, what can I write about?
STU: There's nothing more poetic than heavy farming and excavation in detail.
GLENN: Mmm-hmmm. So then it gets down. Now we're getting down to some business here. It says, "Sweetest, one, the travel schedule is about to get real, real busy. Two, unfortunately all the feelings you describe are mutual. And three, where do we go from here? The following weekend I've been asked to spend out in Aspen, Colorado with John McCain which has kicked up the whole VP talk all over again in the press back home. Do you really comprehend how beautiful your smile is? Have you been told lately how warm your eyes are or how softly they glow with the special nature of your soul?"
STU: This is right from VP talk into how special her glow is?
GLENN: No, it's -- my getting here came as no small measure because I had a foundation of love and support so critical to getting up in the morning and feeling you could give and risk because you already had a full tank of love and the emotional bank account.
Since our first meeting there in a wind swept somewhat open air dance spot in Punta del Este, --
STU: Did he say emotional bank account?
GLENN: Yes, he did. And a windswept, somewhat open air dance spot as well.
STU: Men are so stupid. They are the dumbest creatures ever.
GLENN: I felt you had the same rare attribute. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses or that I love your tan lines or the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of holding yourself or two magnificent parts of yourself in the faded glow of the night's light. But hey --
STU: Wait, wait. Say that one again. Wait, what was she holding?
GLENN: She was just holding two magnificent parts of herself that faded in the glow of the night's light. But he continues, but hey, that would be going into the sexual details we spoke of at the steakhouse at dinner. I mean --
STU: Over the wedge salad.
GLENN: Would you like some pepper? As I have said to you before, I certainly had a special feeling about you from the first time we met, but these things were contained, and I genuinely enjoyed our special friendship and comparing of all the too many personal notes and, yes, this is true even if you did occasionally tantalize me with sexual details over the years -- I added the tiger sound there myself. PS: I don't want to put the genius -- I think he meant Genie here because he said, I don't want to put the genius back in the bottle.
STU: That's smooth, governor, smooth.
GLENN: You know what it is? Hey, he's drunk on the wine of love. Because I truly believe -- I don't want to put the genius back in the bottle because I truly believe in freedom. Yeah, he's gotten -- he's been sucking something else out of the bottle. I never gave you sexual details but now you don't need to imagine. You can close your eyes and just remember, and I'll do the same.
STU: Just in case you weren't sure I was having an affair, let me spell it out in an e-mail.
GLENN: For anybody who might be reading this in the press, here's her address. Here's a picture of the two of us doing it on the beach. I mean, who goes to Argentina? Who goes? I mean, maybe it's just me, but I don't even know. Argentina may be the friendliest country in the world to us but doesn't it just sound like it's an enemy? I mean, doesn't it sound like it's one of those countries that you're like, "I don't know." Isn't that where the Germans went to after the Nazi thing where they're like, "Quick, let's go to Argentina!"
VOICE: Next time try applying some common sense directly to the forehead and if that fails to solve the problem, read Glenn Beck's new book, Common Sense: The Case Against an Out-of-Control Government. Get the details at GlennBeck.com.