GLENN BECK PROGRAM
STU: If you think about it, I mean, what is Santa's sleigh doing the other 364 days a year? You could be shipping in illegal immigrants, flying them right over the border. What are we going to do about it?
GLENN: Santa -- no, it's Santos. Close enough. I got Santos Claus decorating the trees. He's doing some illegal work. So is Santa. He's not a citizen. He's in my frickin' chimney once a year cleaning that thing out. He's like a chimneysweep. That's where kids should get -- you know what, that's where kids should be able to get you. Do you ever have to have your chimney cleaned? They would be like, why, why? Don't you have a fat man going down that chimney once a year? Doesn't that clean it out? See what I'm saying?
STU: You could say Santos Claus already did it.
GLENN: I'm just sayin'.
STU: I like this business model. I mean --
GLENN: So I'm thinking about just leaving threatening letters in all of the e-mail boxes.
STU: Because you want them to be more festive.
STU: Because there's nothing that works more to encourage this behavior than threatening. Why don't you cut out letters from a magazine and send them. That will be even more effective.
GLENN: I'm thinking about, that's a good idea and just, I'll be wearing my winter gloves while I do it. I don't think that's a bad idea. I feel like -- I mean, I drive down the neighborhood and it's like, what's wrong with you people?
STU: It does seem like there's a cut in Christmas cheer this year. Is there something we can measure on that? Because every year me and my wife will drive -- my wife and I will drive around the neighborhood and we will look at all the nice big houses and all their big lights and their fanciness and they go crazy and, like, they outdecorate each other. I love that. Doesn't seem to be a lot of it this year.
GLENN: I live in, you know, a rich neighborhood. What's wrong with you people? I'm going to start hammering them. They're like bad rich people.
STU: They do tend to decorate like they're in a catalog from Pottery Barn.
"Trust me, teach your children class from the getgo or they will be -- look. You start with one snow globe in the front yard. Next thing you got three. That one's a little old. Next thing you know your children are drinking beer directly from the can."
- Glenn Beck
STU: Rich people. They've got the wreaths, they have got the white lights. It's so classy, it's almost like --
GLENN: It could be almost summer. I mean, it's not that I want to go to the big, those big blowup things in the front yard. Those things drive me crazy. You know what? I'm not for -- I'm not a big tax guy but I think there should be a special -- there should be a special tax on those things.
STU: On Santas, snowmen?
GLENN: No, no, those big snowball things.
STU: The snow?
GLENN: You know, the snow globes.
STU: Okay, the snow globes, yes.
GLENN: The snow globes, I think there should be an extra tax on those.
GLENN: To discourage people from buying those.
STU: What's the tax?
GLENN: 100%. I'm just thinking 100% tax would be good.
STU: Well, if you have children. If you have kids.
STU: You should be able to get maybe a tax break.
GLENN: Trust me, teach your children class from the getgo or they will be -- look. You start with one snow globe in the front yard. Next thing you got three. That one's a little old. Next thing you know your children are drinking beer directly from the can.
STU: Who would ever do such a thing (laughing). Yeah, I'm not a big fan of the inflatables, I think. I don't think they work.
GLENN: You know what I want? I want -- and I don't think I can put them without burning my house down. I want the retrolights. Do they make them anymore?
STU: I love those things.
GLENN: I love those. Somebody did, in another town next to mine, -- I mean, why have anybody do it in my town? They put the retrolights. They have this enormous tree. I mean, it's -- I'm not kidding you it's the size of the tree in Rockefeller Plaza, you know, but it's planted and there's no big building full of liberals in it. But there is this huge tree and they decorated it with a big huge colored light bulbs.
STU: Oh, yeah, those are really nice. Those are classy. We used to have a little blue spruce type of tree out in front of our yard and that's the only thing I think of when I see those lights is that one tree. Those lights are fantastic.
GLENN: See, I'm thinking of the whole, the light thing. You've got to get Santos gloves to do it. Because me, I'm riddled with ADD and I never -- like, half of it looks good and then the second half, and I'm already inside because we're an artificial tree family and I regret that move. Pieces of crap.
STU: You are regretting that?
STU: I think most people when they make the conversion, they miss the charm but wind up regretting it.
GLENN: No, I don't miss the charm at all.
STU: What do you miss?
GLENN: We burn the candle and say, honey, look, smells like a tree.
STU: Isn't that poisoning you and giving you black lung?
GLENN: Whatever, smells good in the house. I spend now most of the time, you know, holding the tree at the bottom and trying to turn it just far enough so my wife says, "Okay, wait, wait, wait, stop there, stop, stop, stop, okay, it's not that part of the tree that's burned out. That's covered now. But unfortunately the part in the middle. Can you change just a little bit." I mean, it takes an hour. I mean, you know, --
STU: Just so you know, that's not an artificial tree problem. That's a wife problem.
GLENN: You think so?
STU: Yes, I think so. Like she shouldn't be with you.
GLENN: And, you know, when I first got it, I -- wait a minute. What?
GLENN: When I first got the artificial tree, I thought it was, oh -- because it's such a pain in the neck to go out and get it and then bring it in and take it out and I always -- I mean, you can put an eye out with that thing. It's just, I want to put it -- I want just a little asbestos and then at the end of the holiday on December -- I'll go for January 1st and just set it on fire and it burns out. I just burn everything off the tree.
STU: Yeah, I like that. We had this problem last year because last year we had a real tree and it was really full and we couldn't get it out anywhere in our entire house. Like there was no way we could get it out of the house because we forgot to put the tree bag on it. So there's no way to make it smaller and it was dried out. We kept it out too long. I had to come out with, like, clippers and clip off every branch of the tree, put them in a bag and then take out just the --
GLENN: See, that's just not -- but then what happens is you end up putting -- you end up doing the same thing with a fake tree except you put it in a box that now has been, you know, the same box for four years. So it's all busted and taped and ripped and everything else and it doesn't hold it in. Then you get so frustrated. Maybe I'm just speaking for me. You get so frustrated that you're jumping up and down on the tree and then you break some of the limbs and then the next year when you undo it, then your wife says, how did these limbs get broken? And you say, I don't know, maybe the dog was jumping on it. I'm not sure.
And now the kids are, you know, -- quite honestly our tree looks like it's been decorated by Corky, it does. Because it's like at the top of it is like everything breakable and then the bottom is like all Nerf ornaments and the very bottom is anything that doesn't look like food to my German Shepherd. So it's like three zones. It's like for the adults, for the kids, for the dog. It's not good. It's not a pretty scene. And then I don't have anybody else in the neighborhood to put me in the mood. So I -- Santos Claus, where are you?