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GLENN: Don't you just hate selfish people? Always talking about themselves, blah, blah‑blah, ignoring the collective. I sure do. And so does today's czar. He's against reproductive rights. I mean, not, you know, the abortion kind of reproductive rights. He's totally cool with that. I mean your right to have kids. He said, quote, individual rights must be balanced against the power of the government to control human reproduction. Sure, sounds obvious to us. But some small‑minded people out there have crazy beliefs, and this czar has pointed out, quote, some people, respected legislators, judges and lawyers included, have viewed the right to have children as a fundamental and inalienable right, yet neither the Declaration of Independence, nor the Constitution mentions a right to reproduce, end quote. So who's this crazy czar? Who's the one that has the president's ear?
PAT: Is it Leonard Nimoy, Dr. Spock?
GLENN: No, it's not Dr. Spock.
GLENN: No. I'll keep going. Quote: In the United States individuals have a constitutional right to privacy, at least to the extent that a woman has a right to choose not to have children. But that right's not unlimited. Where the society has a compelling subordinating interest in regulating population size, the right of the individual may be curtailed, end quote. If it's boring, you know, we'll probably let you have your kid, but compelling? Who needs an abortion? You do! All right, who's the czar? Who's the czar?
STU: Alec Baldwin? He loves kids.
GLENN: No. Okay, last hint. If you still need convincing on the legality of this whole "You can't have any children," our czar has an argument that's impossible to disagree with. Quote: The law regulates other highly personal matters. For example, no one may lawfully have more than one spouse at a time. Why should the law not be able to prevent a person from having more than two children, end quote. Boom! There it is! Case closed.
STU: Great logic.
GLENN: Yeah, it is. Okay, what's your guess?
PAT: Ernest Borgnine.
GLENN: No, he's not a czar. I don't think you guys understand this ‑‑
STU: Who's that lady? Charo? Is it Charo? Because she's so good with the kids, really adorable and just ‑‑
GLENN: The answer is science czar John Holdren.
STU: Oh, wow!
GLENN: The best friend of science.
PAT: Who would have seen that coming.
GLENN: He is the best friend of science and worst enemy of the future ratings of Nickelodeon.
VOICE: Ooh, sorry. Just like everyone who plays this game, you lose. But at least you'll die a little smarter just for listening to... Know Your Czars!