South Park hits Glenn



People just can't seem to get enough Glenn lately. Stewart, Colbert, SNL, Playboy and now South Park has spent time making fun of Glenn. In this episode of South Park, Eric Cartman takes on the role of Glenn Beck.

GLENN: I am amazed. I am absolutely amazed at this new effort to again I think their approach is now, Stu, that I'm just a conspiracy freak? Is that do you think that's the is that the new approach now to discredit me?

STU: If you remember the Republican plan for energy, it was an "All of the above" strategy.

GLENN: Okay.

STU: And this is what has been adopted by the left at this point, is throw anything that could possibly stick about any figure that they've seen in the media or on the right in the last 50 years and accuse you of it. That's essentially the plan at this point.

GLENN: It's really amazing. I just want to go through do we have the audio, Pat, of different things?

PAT: Working on it.

GLENN: In the last week there were I think there was a line about me in the opening monologue of Saturday Night Live.

STU: You appeared on Saturday Night Live in the opening.

GLENN: No, no, that was in the opening. But I think I was also in the monologue. I think the opening sketch, I appeared in it.

STU: You appeared in the opening sketch. I Taylor Swift was the host, by the way.

GLENN: Okay.

STU: And I do not believe that she mentioned you in that. She mentioned you

GLENN: Later?

STU: You were mentioned in the weekend update section as well.

GLENN: What did they I didn't even see that. What did they say?

STU: They said something about your appendix. It was your appendix, again the joke that has apparently been done by every comedian since you had an appendix problem which was your internal organs were attempting to leave your body.

GLENN: Right. Yeah. Okay. So we had Saturday Night Live. The night before that there was 10 minutes on Jon Stewart, and it was very funny. I mean, but you're making fun of me.

STU: It's fertile ground, yeah.

GLENN: I mean, you owe me royalties. I mean, all of these jokes I made about myself first.

STU: Oh, this is the foundation this program was built on was calling Glenn

GLENN: I mean, making fun of Glenn since 1964.

STU: Yeah, that really is, your whole career is making fun of yourself.

GLENN: You don't have it, Pat? Don't worry about it.

PAT: Still working.

GLENN: So then last night apparently and I find this hard to believe. Like the majority of the episode?

STU: Oh, yeah.

GLENN: Was about me.

STU: Yeah. The vast majority, yes.

GLENN: Set this up. This is South Park.

STU: Yes. South Park, Eric Cartman, the fattest member of the children. Just thought I'd point that out, represents you as he gets the job of the school announcement guy and where she's supposed to say stuff like what's going on for lunch or, you know, what meeting is happening in the musical.

GLENN: All right.

STU: He expands on that role quite a bit and he accuses the school president of many things.

GLENN: Okay. So here you go. And you'll see the rapid progression here. Now, what happens happening besides this? Are they making comments about me outside of this? Is it only these three pieces that are

STU: No, this is can't find the whole episode.

GLENN: Yeah, yeah.

STU: I mean, the whole thing is basically you know, and this is Cartman's character on this show is always kind of the loud mouth making accusations at everybody. You know, that's sort of his Schick.

GLENN: Right.

STU: He's got your hair in the episode which is sort of the gray on the side, not gray on the top.

GLENN: That's funny.

STU: Some other mysterious color on the top.

PAT: They use the logo.

STU: They use the logo. They go through, you'll hear kind of the music that sounds like the Glenn Beck TV open in which they show the same imagery, they have the same logo except it says EC instead of GB. You know, and these guys, again, these guys skewer everybody and they are always very good at it.

GLENN: You know what's amazing to me is I'm a libertarian.

STU: And they are, too.

GLENN: And they are, too.

STU: Yeah.

GLENN: And when you're a libertarian, there ain't anybody coming to your defense.

STU: No.

GLENN: There's no one coming to your defense.

STU: Not even libertarians. Because they are frustrated at everything, even themselves.

GLENN: Libertarians, I mean, Penn Jillette. Penn Jillette, I feel so bad for Penn Jillette. What Penn Jillette has gone through with some of his friends and one of his idols, Tommy Smothers, I mean, honestly I don't know if you've seen this video with Penn Jillette, but it broke my heart. Penn Jillette and I don't agree on a lot of stuff. We're libertarians. We live with it. He doesn't agree on things, I don't agree on things, but I'm not telling him how to live his life and he's not going to tell me how to live my life. And I think we've had a good relationship.

STU: Sure.

GLENN: You know, it's been tense at times because we're both extraordinarily frank. But neither of us are trying to jam our point of view on everybody else.

STU: He is on the show, I mean dozens of times.

GLENN: Dozens of times.

STU: Yeah.

GLENN: He has gotten so much flack from his friends because, you know, they buy into, "Oh, he's a fascist." I don't care what you do with your life. Honor the Constitution. Limited government. Maximum amount of freedom. Throw them all out. Get people who understand the founding fathers. Libertarians are eating each other alive. And it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. But see, there's no, there's no structure to it. And I'm fine with that. But that's why libertarians lose is because there's no, there's no system. There's no system. And so there's no one to defend. And so the, both parties, when they start to grind down on you, you have the entire system against you, and it's quite amazing. It's quite amazing.

So here's Cartman. Now, this is South Park, and I'm flattered. But remember these guys are libertarians. Here's South Park.

VOICE: Good morning, South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements, and I am Eric Cartman. All forms for the school book drive must be handed in to Mr. Davis in the library by the end of the school day today. Doesn't seem like they gave us a lot of notice on that. Oh, well. For lunch today the cafeteria will be serving a selection of cold sandwiches, cold sandwiches. Oh, well, thank you so much. Remember when we used to be served hot food? I mean, what has happened to our school? This school is transforming into something very bad. And why? Because we have leadership that doesn't care. I'm talking, of course, about our student body president, Wendy Testaburger. Ever since Wendy was elected president, this student has started a rapid decline with some socialist regime where students no longer have a voice. The music room will be closed off today due to painting. All band choir will meet in the gymnasium instead. Oh, so now the school doesn't vat money to paint the music room. How old and outdated is our playground equipment? What other school has a 15 year old merry go round on it? Our school is turning this whole place into communist Russia. It's not a coincidence that once Wendy took office, this school started coming apart at the seams. Your teachers don't want to tell you but they're scared and they should be because the very fabric of this elementary school is tearing from all corners. Oh, jeez. But hey, I'm just a normal kid like you, and I ask questions. And because I ask questions, I come under scrutiny. Is Wendy using your lunch money to buy heroin? Probably not. But how can we know? I don't want my lunch money going to drugs. Who's taking these drugs? What would be the point? I'm asking questions.

STU: Is that the end of Clip 1 there, Sarah?

PAT: Man. Man.

STU: Now, what's in your critique does not say that ever since Wendy Testaburger took over the presidency, the school has gone downhill. You would say it goes much, much before Wendy Testaburger.

PAT: Our last student body president.

GLENN: Yeah. He was driving nails into that coffin quickly and then we got this guy and he's like, you know what? Let's just use a nail gun... (making nail gun noises).

STU: So as you can imagine, this is the second set of announcements from Cartman as Glenn Beck.

CARTMAN: Well, good morning, South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. I have a question. What does Wendy Testaburger actually do? She is supposed to be the president, right? What is her agenda? She's lying to everyone, or is she? Let's ask these questions. I want to talk briefly about the state of our school's economy. The bake sale last week was a complete failure. And besides that, who actually voted for Wendy Testaburger? I know I didn't. And everyone who did is now scratching their heads and going, whoops, guess I shouldn't have done that. I'm not in the student council. I'm just a normal kid like all of you. And like you, I want to know what has happened to my school. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. Our United States, not the one Wendy Testaburger would have, a socialist dung ho, a socialist dung ho.

STU: That's number 2.

GLENN: Does Cartman live in the end?

STU: Yeah, that's the Kenny's the one that's always dying. As far as I know, shockingly you made it through the episode. Which is nice. Now, the last one here, of course, gets worse and worse and develops into

GLENN: Now, this is the one, this is the one with the graphics that look like the show graphics and the logo?

STU: You'll hear the music and, you know, picture all the, all the same imagery that happens.

GLENN: Blackboard?

STU: Yeah, blackboard comes out. You'll hear him drawing on the blackboard. This is clip number 3.

CARTMAN: Good morning, students. These are the morning announcements. If you'll direct your attention to the new video monitors at the head of your class, you will see that the announcements are now being done in video. Oh, god, no!

GLENN: This is the Glenn Beck logo coming in.

CARTMAN: Lunch today is going to be pizza, again. Friends, our school is dying and you know it. You feel it. You are like me. You want to change it. But oh, no, Wendy Testaburger's not going to let that happen. This is not the school we grew up in, and I don't know if we can get it back. Just take a look at exactly what our school president wants. You know, what is she trying to achieve? Let's just take a look at these key words here. Wendy's made it clear she wants our school to be a more integrated leftist and liberal place. But you see, when that happens, what we get is a socialist, modern utopian reformed farce of a school. So when you look closely, it becomes very obvious what Wendy wants: K i l l s m u r f s. Our school president wants to kill Smurfs. I don't know if we're turning into a Smurf hating school or what we're turning into. But unless you ask why, we're going to transform into something.

STU: There you go. So yeah. This is where it kind of meshed in with the James Cameron movie Avatar that's coming out which they are basically accusing of spending $500 million on a movie about killing Smurfs. So it kind of all merged together as these episodes do. But I mean, you know, to me it's nothing but a compliment. I mean

GLENN: Oh, yeah. No, no, no.

STU: Everyone's got their role in society and South Park's is to make fun of everyone that's around.

GLENN: And everybody. It was Tom Cruise and Scientology and Jesus is know was a full episode.

STU: It's on everything, global warming.

GLENN: Global warming. So it is a compliment. I have to watch it, although it is I have to tell you, it would be nice to have somebody, somebody that wasn't that just had the facts right.

 

On Wednesday's TV show, Glenn Beck sat down with radio show host, author, political commentator, and film critic, Michael Medved.

Michael had an interesting prediction for the 2020 election outcome: a brokered convention by the DNC will usher in former First Lady Michelle Obama to run against President Donald Trump.

Watch the video below to hear why he's making this surprising forecast:

Use code BECK to save $10 on one year of BlazeTV.

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

On Thursday's "Glenn Beck Radio Program," BlazeTV's White House correspondent Jon Miller described the current situation in Virginia after Gov. Ralph Northam (D) declared a state of emergency and banned people carrying guns at Capitol Square just days before a pro-Second-Amendment rally scheduled on Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

Jon told Glenn that Gov. Northam and the Virginia Legislature are "trying to deprive the people of their Second Amendment rights" but the citizens of Virginia are "rising up" to defend their constitutional rights.

"I do think this is the flashpoint," Jon said. "They [Virginia lawmakers] are saying, 'You cannot exercise your rights ... and instead of trying to de-escalate the situation, we are putting pressure. We're trying to escalate it and we're trying to enrage the citizenry even more'."

Glenn noted how Gov. Northam initially blamed the threat of violence from Antifa for his decision to ban weapons but quickly changed his narrative to blame "white supremacists" to vilify the people who are standing up for the Second Amendment and the Constitution.

"What he's doing is, he's making all all the law-abiding citizens of Virginia into white supremacists," Glenn said.

"Sadly, that's exactly right," Jon replied. "And I think he knows exactly what he's doing."

Watch the video to catch more of the conversation below:

Use code BECK to save $10 on one year of BlazeTV.

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

Ryan: Trump Louisiana Finale

Photo by Jim Dale

Part One. Part Two. Part Three.

At the end of Trump rallies, I would throw on my Carhartt jacket, sneak out of the press area, then blend in with everyone as they left, filing out through swinging doors.

Often, someone held the door open for me. Just 30 minutes earlier, the same person had most likely had most likely hissed at me for being a journalist. And now they were Sunday smiles and "Oh, yes, thank you, sir" like some redneck concierge.

People flooded out of the arena with the stupidity of a fire drill mishap, desperate to survive.

The air smacked you as soon as you crossed the threshold, back into Louisiana. And the lawn was a wasteland of camping chairs and coolers and shopping bags and to-go containers and soda cans and articles of clothing and even a few tents.

In Monroe, in the dark, the Trump supporters bobbled over mounds of waste like elephants trying to tiptoe. And the trash was as neutral to them as concrete or grass. They plodded over it because it, an object, had somehow gotten in their way.

It did not matter that they were responsible for this wreckage.Out in the sharp-edged moonlight, rally-goers hooted and yapped and boogied and danced, and the bbq food truck was all smoke and paper plates.

They were even more pumped than they had been before the rally, like 6,000 eight year olds who'd been chugging Mountain Dew for hours. Which made Donald Trump the father, the trooper, God of the Underworld, Mr. Elite, Sheriff on high horse, the AR-15 sticker of the family.

Ritualistic mayhem, all at once. And, there in Louisiana, Trump's supporters had gotten a taste of it. They were all so happy. It bordered on rage.

Still, I could not imagine their view of America. Worse, after a day of strange hostilities, I did not care.

My highest priority, my job as a reporter, was to care. To understand them and the world that they inhabit. But I did not give a damn and I never wanted to come back.

Worst of all, I would be back. In less than a week.

Was this how dogs felt on the 4th of July? Hunched in a corner while everyone else gets drunk and launches wailing light into the sky? configurations of blue and red and white.

It was 10:00 p.m. and we'd been traveling since 11:00 a.m., and we still had 5 hours to go and all I wanted was a home, my home, any home, just not here, in the cold sweat of this nowhere. Grey-mangled sky. No evidence of planes or satellites or any proof of modern-day. Just century-old bridges that trains shuffled over one clack at a time.

And casinos, all spangles and neon like the 1960s in Las Vegas. Kitchy and dumb, too tacky for lighthearted gambling. And only in the nicer cities, like Shreveport, which is not nice at all.

And swamp. Black water that rarely shimmered. Inhabited by gadflies and leeches and not one single fish that was pretty.

Full of alligators, and other killing types. The storks gnawing on frogs, the vultures never hungry. The coyotes with nobody to stop them and so much land to themselves. The roaches in the wild, like tiny wildebeests.

Then, the occasional deer carcass on the side of the road, eyes splayed as if distracted, tongue out, relaxed but empty. The diseased willows like skeletons in hairnets. The owls that never quit staring. A million facets of wilderness that would outlive us all.

Because Nature has poise. It thrives and is original.

Because silence is impossible. Even in an anechoic chamber, perfectly soundproofed, you can hear your own heartbeat, steady as a drum. A never-ending war.

I put "Headache" by Grouper on repeat as we glided west. We were deadlocked to asphalt, rubber over tarface.

And I thought about lines from a Rita Dove poem titled "I have been a stranger in a strange land"

He was off cataloging the universe, probably,
pretending he could organize
what was clearly someone else's chaos.

Wasn't that exactly what I was doing? Looking for an impossible answer, examining every single accident, eager for meaning? telling myself, "If it happens and matters the next year, in America, I want to be there, or to know what it means. I owe it to whoever cares to listen."

Humans are collectors and I had gone overboard.

Because maybe this wasn't even my home. These landmarks, what did they mean? Was I obvious here? When I smiled, did I trick them into believing that I felt some vague sense of approval? Or did my expressions betray me?

Out in all that garbage-streaked emptiness — despite the occasional burst of passing halogen — I couldn't tell if everything we encountered was haunted or just old, derelict, broken, useless. One never-ending landfill.

Around those parts, they'd made everything into junk. Homes. Roads. Glass. Nature. Life itself, they made into junk.

I cringed as we passed yet another deer carcass mounded on the side of the road.

As written in Job 35:11,

Who teaches us more than the beasts of the earth and makes us wiser than the birds in the sky?

Nobody. Look at nature and you feel something powerful. Look at an animal, in all of its untamable majesty, and you capture a deep love, all swept up in the power of creation. But, here, all I saw were poor creatures who people had slammed into and kept driving. Driving to where? For what reason? What exactly was so important that they left a trail of dead animals behind them?

So I crossed myself dolorously and said an "Our Father" and recited a stanza from Charles Bukowski's "The Laughing Heart"

you can't beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.

Out here, nothing but darkness. Needing some light, by God. Give me something better than a Moon that hides like an underfed coward.

Jade told me about some of the more traumatic things she'd seen while working at the State Fair.

"Bro, they pull roaches out of the iced lemonade jugs and act like nothing happened."

"All right but what about the corn dogs?"

"You do not want to know, little bro."

She looked around in the quiet. "Back in the day, the Louisiana Congress refused to raise the drinking age from 18 to 21," she said. "They didn't want to lose all that drunk gambler money. So the federal government cut off funding to highways."

We glided through moon-pale landscape for an hour before I realized what she had meant. That there weren't any light poles or billboards along the road. Nothing to guide us or distract us. Just us, alone. And it felt like outer space had collapsed, swallowed us like jellybeans.

Like two teenagers playing a prank on the universe.

In the cozy Subaru Crosstrek, in the old wild night, brimming with the uncertainty of life and the nonchalance of failure, we paraded ourselves back to Dallas. Alive in the river silence that follows us everywhere.

New installments come Mondays and Thursdays. Next, the Iowa caucuses. Check out my Twitter. Email me at kryan@blazemedia.com

The Iowa primary is just around the corner, and concerns of election interference from the last presidential election still loom. Back in 2016, The Associated Press found that a majority of U.S. elections systems still use Windows 7 as an operating system, making them highly susceptible to bugs and errors. And last year, a Mississippi voter tried multiple times to vote for the candidate of his choice, but the system continuously switched his vote to the other candidate. It's pretty clear: America's voting systems desperately need an update.

That's where blockchain voting comes in.

Blockchain voting is a record-keeping system that's 100% verifiable and nearly impossible to hack. Blockchain, the newest innovation in cybersecurity, is set to grow into a $20 billion industry by 2025. Its genius is in its decentralized nature, distributing information throughout a network of computers, requiring would-be hackers to infiltrate a much larger system. Infiltrating multiple access points spread across many computers requires a significant amount of computing power, which often costs more than hackers expect to get in return.

Blockchain voting wouldn't allow for many weak spots. For instance, Voatz, arguably the leading mobile voting platform, requires a person to take a picture of their government-issued ID and a picture of themselves before voting (a feature, of course, not present in vote-by-mail, where the only form of identity verification is a handwritten signature, which is easily forgeable). Voters select their choices and hit submit. They then receive an immediate receipt of their choices via email, another security feature not present in vote-by-mail, or even in-person voting. And because the system operates on blockchain technology, it's nearly impossible to tamper with.

Votes are then tabulated, and the election results are published, providing a paper trail, which is a top priority for elections security experts.

The benefits of blockchain voting can't be dismissed. Folks can cast their vote from the comfort of their homes, offices, etc., vastly increasing the number of people who can participate in the electoral process. Two to three-hour lines at polling places, which often deter voters, would become significantly diminished.

Even outside of the voting increase, the upsides are manifold. Thanks to the photo identification requirements, voter fraud—whether real or merely suspected—would be eliminated. The environment would win, too, since we'd no longer be wasting paper on mail-in ballots. Moreover, the financial burden on election offices would be alleviated, because there's decreased staff time spent on the election, saving the taxpayer money.

From Oregon to West Virginia, elections offices have already implemented blockchain voting, and the results have been highly positive. For example, the city of Denver utilized mobile voting for overseas voters in their 2019 municipal elections. The system was secure and free of technical errors, and participants reported that it was very user-friendly. Utah County used the same system for their 2019 primary and general elections. An independent audit revealed that every vote that was cast on the app was counted and counted correctly. These successful test cases are laying the groundwork for even larger expansions of the program in 2020.

With this vital switch, our elections become significantly more secure, accurate, and efficient. But right now, our election infrastructure is a sitting duck for manipulation. Our current lack of election integrity undermines the results of both local and national elections, fans the flames of partisanship, and zaps voter confidence in the democratic system. While there's never a silver bullet or quick fix to those kinds of things, blockchain voting would push us much closer to a solution than anything else.

Chris Harelson is the Executive Director at Prosperity Council and a Young Voices contributor.