Have you ever driven by a hippie, environmental protest and had your beautiful gas guzzling SUV keyed?
Now you can protect your car by making it appear environmentally friendly with the Glenn Beck Hydro-Carbon Powered Eco-Vehicle bumper sticker. Look like a friend of the Earth while killing it at the same time!
GLENN: Here's listen carefully. Here's White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs.
REPORTER: Considering, considering the continuing reports on the record worldwide cold, how does the president believe that there was justification for the millions spent on that conference to try to promote acceptance of global warming?
GIBBS: Well, I'd think one only has to step outside here or visit where I used to work in Chicago to understand that climate change is and the record temperatures that climate change is likely causing is with us.
GLENN: Hold on. Wait. What?
STU: He's saying it's really hot in Chicago?
GLENN: No. No, no.
PAT: It's really cold. The record breaking cold shows that it's with us.
GLENN: Climate change is with us.
STU: So he's saying that the cold is the result of global warming?
GLENN: Is the result of climate change, yes. Global warming is not what this was all about.
PAT: So passé.
GLENN: Global warming is only a piece of climate change.
STU: Are you serious?
GLENN: Yes. Play it again. Here's the question.
REPORTER: Considering, considering the continuing reports of record worldwide cold.
GLENN: Cold, record, worldwide. Cold.
REPORTER: How does the president believe that there was a justification for the millions spent on that conference to try to promote acceptance of global warming?
GIBBS: Well, I'd think one only has to step outside here or visit where I used to work in Chicago to understand that climate change is, and the record temperatures that climate change is likely causing is with us.
PAT: Not only, not only is he saying
GLENN: The record, the record temperatures that climate change is causing is proof that climate change is with us.
PAT: And not only, not only is he making that case but he's making the case that you're a moron for not I mean, all you have to do is step outside to know it. Come on.
GLENN: I think anybody who would step out would know that these record temperatures, these record lows are evidence that climate change is with us.
STU: What was happening to him there?
PAT: And one of the other, one of the other
GLENN: What happens to him every day? He sucks! But how hard is it? I mean, I don't think Jesus could cover for the lies that these people have told. I think you could be blessed and divine and say, "I don't have an answer on that one, I can't... even me, I can't come up with an answer."
STU: That answer actually seems like he had a medical problem going on while he was saying it. Like, it's such it's so nonsensical.
PAT: And yet he tries to pull it off. There's a little more.
REPORTER: Thank you. Do you attribute the weather to climate change?
PAT: So another reporter jumps in.
GLENN: You contribute this weather to climate change?
GIBBS: I don't know what specifically causes today's snowfall.
REPORTER: Or the cold that's gripping the nation.
GIBBS: I would say that there are, even in places that are used to getting very cold weather, record cold. I think scientists will tell you that, whether it's in around this country or throughout the world that our weather patterns have been affected by our change in our climate.
PAT: That's a genius point. That even where it's cold, it's cold. And it's colder than
GLENN: And I think all scientists will say that this is record cold.
PAT: And that proves my point that it's so hot, it's cold.
STU: Is it family feud where you can just say "Pass" when they ask a question, you can just go pass?
STU: I think that's something that Robert Gibbs should start considering because that was horrible.
GLENN: Now may I ask let's just think this through for a second. The hockey stick which has been discredited in about seven different ways. One, the first way that it was discredited is CO2 does not lead temperature. Temperature leads CO2. And this makes sense because the hotter it is, you know, if you are in the ice age and you start to warm up, the ice melts. Plants start to grow, right?
STU: That releases CO2, sure.
GLENN: Got it. If you discredited the first way of the CO2 leading temperature is false. The next thing that they did was to discredit the hockey stick, that everything is based on, you have the hockey stick. It was discredited because now we have the evidence that the scientists faked the data, right?
STU: Right. Like taking dramatic drops in temperature post 1960 and erasing them because they didn't fit all the other temperatures.
GLENN: Got it. Now here's the third way. If CO2 leads climate temperature so CO2, as it goes up, the temperature then follows and goes up, how do you explain the temperature going down?
GLENN: No, don't answer like Robert Gibbs.
STU: Okay. Well, Glenn, the temperatures are going down and that temperature drop has to do with
PAT: So easy, Stu. This is easy. Seriously. Seriously.
GLENN: How are they answering this?
PAT: All right. The Earth has been working so hard producing CO2, which is now killing it, that it must now take a break.
GLENN: You mean fighting CO2?
PAT: It's fighting CO2 so hard that it's run out of breath and it's taking a little bit of a break, okay?
GLENN: Okay, this is an explanation I have actually heard.
PAT: It's pausing in its warming for just a short while. Like 20, 30 years.
GLENN: And you know what? Can I tell you something? In nature this happens all the time. Have you ever had a really, really, really high temperature? Because your body is fighting an infection, okay? And then all of a sudden your temperature will just drop to, like, 80 degrees because your body is taking a break from fighting the infection. That happens all the time.
STU: All the time.
GLENN: All the time.
PAT: All the time.
GLENN: Let me just say this. That never happens. So it makes no sense whatsoever. So I think as responsible citizens if this is true that the Earth is taking a breather, the Earth may just be, I don't know, the Earth may just be fooled that it's not so bad. Let me give you an analogy here. Do you ever see the movie The Fugitive?
GLENN: Let's say that the Earth is the Harrison Ford character, okay? And he's fighting to stay alive, right? The Tommy Lee Jones character is CO2. He's a CO2 cop. Carbon cop. And he's chasing poor innocent planet Earth. Harrison Ford is running from his for his life from the climate cop, from the carbon cop.
PAT: As the Earth.
GLENN: As the Earth, yeah. So the Earth is trying to get away from the carbon guy, okay? Yes, at times he will go... (panting) but not when the carbon cop is really on his tail. But let's not I mean, it's a movie. So the analogy can't be exact. So let's just say the Earth, as Harrison Ford says, "Just have to take a breather here for a second." And that's what's happening with our temperatures. Now, would you if you wanted to catch, if you wanted to try to save him, would you try to wake up Harrison Ford? Wouldn't you? Because you wanted to get away
GLENN: You'd want to wake him up. So I believe we should help the carbon cop. Because in all movies the Harrison Ford character always wakes up just in the nick of time. So you don't want him to go to sleep. If he thinks that the carbon cop is just kind of like, if we keep reducing our carbon, then the Earth is going to say, gee, I guess I have nothing to worry about. Uh uh. You are going to die. You are going to die and you'll never find the one armed man who is Al Gore. So we should increase the carbon cop, have them chase it harder to wake the Earth up.
STU: How close would you say we are to the end of this analogy? Just out of curiosity.
GLENN: There might be a sequel.
STU: (Laughing). With Wesley Snipes.