GLENN: Let me talk a little bit about John Edwards. Since we're talking about mediocrity, let's talk about John Edwards. Why.
Did anybody see -- Stu, did you watch his speeches after he lost in Iowa or New Hampshire?
STU: I saw New Hampshire.
GLENN: You saw New Hampshire?
Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards
GLENN: If you saw Iowa, you also saw him give the same speech in New Hampshire. It was the same speech.
STU: Because I saw -- the speech I saw was the one where he was, you know, outlining all the horrible things that have happened to individuals around America.
GLENN: Why, why. Why. You mean like little poor little Sally Muckenfutch who was born without a face?
STU: And why was she born without a face?
GLENN: Why, why, why was she born without a face? Do you know how many children are born without faces here in America? Okay, well, none, none, but it could happen here and that's why our country's spiraling out of control. We need programs for children without faces. Why. Why?
STU: He's the worst, I think, of the --
GLENN: Here's the thing. What is the guy railing against, Stu? What is he railing against?
STU: The healthcare system, poverty?
GLENN: Poverty, oh, my gosh, poverty. The guy has a basketball court in his house. He has an indoor pool in his house and he built a -- he clearcut his backyard for a soccer field. Why. At the end of his driveway is a trailer park. Why. There are two Americans, aren't there? There are two Americas. The world that John Edwards lives in and then the rest of it. And what kills me is this guy goes on and on and on about poverty and, you know, how we need to be responsible for each other, et cetera, et cetera. Taxpayers would actually save money if Edwards quits right now. If he quits -- because he qualifies for matching government campaign funds, that government handout, he qualifies for that. This guy is unbelievable because he's saying I'm going to keep on going, I'm fighting for you. But he's taking taxpayer money. Why, why. Why, why. Why, why. I mean, on one hand he talks about saving the, you know, the middle class, poor Sally Muckenfutch who was born with a rock tongue and kneecaps instead of eyes, about people sleeping on highways. All across the great America, this great land of ours are people sleeping on highways. I've never seen anybody sleep on a highway. "They're everywhere. You just don't see them because you don't care to look for them, but I know one, Bob Johansonbergstein. I talked to Mr. Bob Johansonbergsteinhenson and he told me about sleeping on the highways. It's an epidemic. He continues a hopeless campaign at your expense. Why, why. Why, why. John, why? Do you see the hypocrisy? Why? Hello, John, John? Hello? John, can you hear me? I'm channeling you right now. Ooh, why? Why you're an idiot. Why, why. In his second place victory speech in Iowa, he talked about how this was clearly a message for change. Yeah, times are changing, people. I mean, look how much, how much change people want. All aboard the change express. Everybody wants change. I can bring change. Let me tell you, if you implement any of my policies, all you'll have left in your pockets, change. He pointed out that 99% of the people in America hadn't voted yet. The change express has hit some delays in New Hampshire, you know, after a crushing defeat there as distant third place victory speech focused on the fact that, you know, most people in America hadn't voted. And he actually said two down, 48 to go. I mean, John, may I just take a moment here to explain how that phrase works? When you win something, you can use that phrase, two down, 48 to go. Not when you lose something. Definitely not when you lose multiple somethings. Two down, 48 to go. You screwed those two up. When you say two down, 48 to go, you are expressing that you believe the next 48 will be as successful as the last two. And let me tell you something, John. I believe you're correct about that, but I don't think you want to be pointing that one out. Ooh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Why, why. Why.
You know, maybe you were talking about the success, you know, in the other America that has another Iowa, maybe. Maybe he's just talking about a parallel universe or maybe he campaigned in the other New Hampshire, the one that didn't have any voters, you know? I think people are ready for that kind of change in that America. The other America, I don't know. You are seen as a phony used car salesman that uses poor people for political gain. I mean, I wouldn't -- Stu.
GLENN: Are you even listening to the show?
STU: Yes, I'm in the other room.
GLENN: What are you doing in the other room?
STU: I'm pressing your whys.
GLENN: Let me ask you this, Stu. Is it going too far, because I've already been hammered this week for saying John Edwards should just start wearing the Soviet star on his lapel. Is it going too far to say that John Edwards is the kind of guy that gives you the feeling he could give a speech about how we need to be compassionate to the poor while bundling up poor people and throwing them on a bonfire so he can be warm?
STU: Yes, of course you know that would be inappropriate.
GLENN: Why. Why? I don't -- if I had a cleft palate, I wouldn't have been able to say that.
STU: No, definitely not. It's almost like you are intentionally trying to be insulting right now.
GLENN: Why, why? I mean, I'm not a poverty expert, you know, but I am a thinker. Why not create a third America, you know? I think John Edwards should have one for the rich, one for the poor and then one for him, you know, where everybody has their own 100-acre estate and a basketball court in their house. I mean, I think he can make that -- if the state is big enough, it could be a third America, you know? He could make a homeless campground, set up some tents, have some cookouts, roast marshmallows, sing songs late into the night, then go back to his 100-acre estate. I mean, we have to start somewhere, don't we? And the Edwards campground for people without kneecaps or houses will be the spark that ignites the flame, the flame of change, the flame that smells a little like the bundled-up burning homeless that he may have just used to spark that flame. But I'm not really -- either that or we could have that campground or just a hell of a lot of smelly, homeless rock tongue kneecap people laying around in your yard. I'm not sure which one we could have but we could have that third America and I'm very excited about it. I get excited when I hear him speak, I do. Did you tape those speeches?
STU: Yeah, we have them.
GLENN: Okay. I didn't have time to play both of the speeches. So what we've done is we've kind of combined both of the speeches but I think you get the point. Here's John Edwards. That would be --
STU: Are you saying -- I'm sorry. Do you want his actual speech? I'm not sure what you want. You are setting something up like you know what I'm going to play. It would be awesome if you told me --
GLENN: Hey, Dan?
GLENN: Can I talk to the real powerhouse of the show here for a second? Dan, how are you doing? How are you doing, Dan?
DAN: I'm doing fantastic.
GLENN: You are up for a raise, I think, and a promotion. I think there might be an opening coming.
DAN: Really? Wow, sounds good.
GLENN: Hey, Dan, remember when we all had the meeting and then this morning we listened to the bits and stuff and we had, you know, the John Edwards, the one edited up?
GLENN: So when I say, you know, we didn't have time to play those speeches, so we decided to put them both together, that sounds like a -- what would you go for? If you were the executive producer, what would you say I was just going for?
STU: You are such a sellout.
DAN: Why don't I just play it for you, Glenn?
GLENN: Yeah, just play it. We don't need to go down this road.
EDWARDS: We will never have the America we all dream of, the promise of America which has been available to so many of us will not be available to our children and our grandchildren. Why? And I take this very personally. I watched my grandmother who I loved dearly. Why. She would cook for us, leave the house, walk her way to the mill, work her shift and come back home and take care of us again. Why. My grandfather who was partially paralyzed would go to work the graveyard shift in that mill and come back in the morning when we would have breakfast together. Why. My father, who's here with me tonight. Why. Worked 36 years. And my grandmother. Why. Hard, tedious. Hard, why. Hard, tedious, hard, tedious work. Why. Why did he do it? Why. Why, why, why. Why did he struggle and sacrifice. Why did your parents and grandparents struggle and sacrifice? They did it? Why. So that I could have a better life. God bless you! Thank you for everything you've done! Stay with us in this fight. We are in this fight together. Why.