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BECK: And then they go into this fantasy world where they're having dinner with Calderon. This dinner, the tent was -- what was it? Like half the size of a football field. And it had the Monarch butterflies coming down, showering the people with Monarch butterflies, because the Monarch it travels from Calderon's home village across North America into Canada. What the hell are we doing? How is this reality? I swear to you I think -- I've always felt like I was in a parallel universe, that somehow or another the world just didn't make sense. Now it is a movie. It is positively a movie, because none of it reflects reality. None of it. Here's a president who I'm one of the people. Monarch butterflies. Mole sauce that has 28 herbs and spices. What is that? More than twice the amount of the Colonel. We've got all these secret herbs and spices, we had to have them flown in, special, very rare, hard to get. What are you doing? I've never seen the President of the United States -- I've never seen him stand with a world leader and condemn the United States. Never. Never. On the lawn of the White House. He's sitting there, first of all, can we stop with the fancy language? We're Americans. Let's be okay with that, what do you say? It's not Copenhaagen, it's Copenhagen. It's not -- what did he call it? Cancoon, Cancooon. Let's go Greek goddess, let's go to Cancooon. It's Cancun.
OBAMA: "These initiatives will also help us implement the initiatives we made at Copenhagen."
BECK: Now it's Copenhagen. I thought it was Copenhaagen. Now it's Copenhagen again.
OBAMA: "Work toward the climate conference in Cancoon."
BECK: Copenhagen, Cancoon.
OBAMA: "Let me say that as a leader in cutting greenhouse gas emissions and helping developing countries do the same, Mexico's a leader and/or President Calderon..."
PAT: Mexico a leader?
BECK: Leader in reducing --
PAT: Reducing emissions.
BECK: What are they, putting ketchup bottles in the back of their exhaust pipes of the 1956 Chevies?
PAT: Have you been to Mexico?
BECK: You know why they're a leader in it? Because everything is collapsing. They don't have any energy anymore. They don't have any industry anymore. They're not growing.
OBAMA: "Has been and will be critical. For the sake of our shared prosperity and security, we discussed the need for immigration that is orderly and safe."
BECK: Okay. Stop just a second. That would be then let's crack down on the border, because orderly does not have people coming across the border in the middle of the night with their families. Orderly. It means that you have some sort of front door. Safe means that you should listen to the people in Arizona, because they're now the second highest kidnapping rate in the world. Number two in cities for kidnapping. Coming in at number one, Bogota, Colombia. Now on with the countdown.
OBAMA: "Both of our countries have responsibilities. President Calderon is working hard to create jobs so more Mexicans see a sea of opportunity in their country to fix our broken immigration system. I reaffirmed my deep commitment to working with Congress in a bipartisan way to pass comprehensive immigration reform."
BECK: No thank you.
OBAMA: "Comprehensive reform means accountability for everybody."
BECK: I swear I'm going to have an aneurysm one of these days. Just going to have a brain aneurysm. Accountability for everybody? You people haven't even read the Arizona law. You haven't even read it.
PAT: But at the knows enough to call it misdirected.
OBAMA: "We're work hard based on a bipartisan framework. It can and should move forward. We discussed the new law in Arizona which is a misdirected effort, misdirected expression of frustration over our broken Immigration system which has raised concerns in both our countries."
STU: I can't take it. Did someone ask how it's misdirected?
BECK: No, can't. Do you have the Chip screaming? Now you can't ask these questions.
STU: Why not?
BECK: Why not?
BECK: Listen to Chip Reid. We have it after they left. By the way, they took one question but first here's Chip Reid.
VOICE: "Mr. President, any comment on yesterday's election? Any plans for a real press conference?"
BECK: Any plans for a real press conference.
PAT: That's how frustrated the guy is.
BECK: With Kagan what do they do they just put a video out. The White House interviews her and puts a video out. Here you go, here's your view. Excuse me, it's not a free press. He signs the free Press Act in. No questions. No questions. Shh. Shh. Quiet you.
PAT: Chip Reid had something to say about this.
VOICE: "Pool report you tried to ask a question while they were signing the Freedom of the Press Act."
VOICE: "I did. I thought the irony was too rich to pass it. Signed the Freedom of Press Act. He signed it. And Friday after at the gave the statement in the Rose Garden I suspected he would refuse to take questions here I asked him questions about BP. He ignored it. I said Mr. President in the interest of press freedom might you consider a couple of questions on BP and I did get a little bit of a smile out of him. And he said well you can ask the questions, Chip and somebody else said well will you answer them? And he said this is not a press conference today we'll be getting back to you later in the week, which I was assuming he was referring to the press conference that's expected when he's in the Rose Garden or wherever he's going to be, with the president of Mexico. But that of course will be one of those --"
PAT: Then they didn't do it.
BECK: Stop. We'll get back to you later this week. I suspect that will be in the Rose Garden with President Calderon. They took one question. Do you have the one question?
PAT: I don't have the one from Univision.
BECK: It was from Univision, yeah, just from Univision that they took the one question. The one question was from Univision. And you'll never guess what it was about. How racist is Arizona? Seriously, Mr. President, how racist are they? Seriously. I mean, are we talking KKK racist or more so? It was a question on Arizona. And the law, and of course the president used the opportunity again to talk about how Arizona is misguided and could you play Cut 816, and of course he wants to say --
VOICE: "Finally, Mr. President, your visit speaks to a truth of our time, in North America and the world. In the 21st century, we are defined not by our borders, but by our bonds."
BECK: Stop. We're not defined by our borders. Kids when you get to school today, I want you to take that big map, if they even use maps in school anymore, take the map and tell your teachers we should just burn those maps and we should just erase, take white out and erase the borders because we're no longer defined by our borders. We're just one big happy planet. That's all we are. There's no difference between us, not one lick. We're all just people with human rights. That's it. Collective human rights. Not anything more. Not anything less. What I have you have. We all share. As Al Sharpton told us kids, Martin Luther King's dream was not to have a black man in the White House but to have the same stuff in every house. And when I hear a preacher preaching on brother, preach on about equal stuff, I know he's one with the Gospel because that's what the Gospel is all about: Stuff. It is. And Jesus said: You need more stuff, take it from people who have more stuff. And Jesus said: Loafs and fishes, while they're eating steak, surround them! I remember that. The Gospel of Stuff. Now, that kind of goes in direct conflict with the story of stuff, which says that we're concentrating on too much stuff. But don't worry about those little contradictions, kids, it's America. Just do what you're told and then your head won't hurt so much.