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GLENN: $554,763 spent on replacing windows on a visitor's center in Washington State that closed its door three years ago. Your stimulus dollars at work. $762,372 was given to the University of North Carolina Charlotte for dance draw. What ?
PAT: What's dance draw?
GLENN: Dance draw. It's like YouTube of dance or Dance Tube.
GLENN: This will allow choreographers to explore interactive dance without having a full cast of dancers present.
PAT: Oh. Now the country's fixed.
PAT: That will help the economy.
GLENN: We don't have steel mills anymore. We don't lead the world in any kind of industry anymore. We don't make refrigerators or televisions because we're going to do all the paperwork. We're going to be the finance people. Oh, no, we're not going to do that anymore. I think we're going to lead the world in dance tube.
STU: Really ? Because I was planning a run for a Constitutional amendment on choreography, but I think this pretty much takes care of it.
PAT: Does it? Do you think this is enough?
STU: I don't think we need to do more.
GLENN: We've got more. $62.5 million for a light rail tunnel under the Allegheny River in Pittsburgh. Do you know why? Go on. Ask me why.
PAT: Why, Glenn?
GLENN: Really? Do you want to know? This is a stimulus this is going to change people's lives.
STU: I want to know.
GLENN: All right. I'm going to tell you, then. They want to connect sports stadiums to the casinos.
PAT: Oh, I love of that.
GLENN: Uh huh.
PAT: I love that.
GLENN: That's going to fix America. That is fixing America. It's the light rail that I'm for. Usually I think a light rail is just a bunch of hogwash. I'm for this because of the jobs it creates and saves.
PAT: Yeah. An think of the convenience of going right from a PNC park directly to the casino.
GLENN: $73 million for two fire stations in San Antonio. $73 million for two fire stations in San Antonio. $11.2 million to convert a tiny closed down train station into a museum.
GLENN: $1.9 million to fund the study of ants.
PAT: Those are exotic ants.
GLENN: Not just regular ants. Oh, exotic ants, like the one that's living here illegally and we don't deport?
PAT: No. Glenn Beck baselessly accuses the government of studying just regular ants. No, no.
GLENN: No. You said exotic ants. They're from another country.
PAT: No, no.
GLENN: Okay. $90,000 for new sidewalks in Boynton, Oklahoma, to replace five year old sidewalks, five year old. They're five years old $90,000.
PAT: You don't want ---
GLENN: Well, the sidewalk also leads to a ditch.
STU: Yeah, but the ditch is in good shape.
GLENN: $40 million for upgraded office space and indoor parking for Kansas law makers, $40 million. $50 million for WNBA practice facilities in Connecticut. I didn't even know that the WNBA was still -- $15.8 million no bid contract to
PAT: Halliburton. Is it Halliburton? No big contract. Halliburton. Another no big contract for Halliburton.
GLENN: No, it's not Halliburton, no, but it's $15.8 million no bid contract to clean up the environmental mess that they helped create…. 762,372 to a Georgia Tech professor so he can study improvised music.
PAT: That's good.
GLENN: Improvised music.
PAT: That's great.
STU: That's creating a job, because he had a job and now he has two jobs. So
GLENN: What's great is it's improvised music. If we can take that $762,372 and combine it with the same amount to the University of North Carolina Charlotte for the dance draw, maybe we can get improvised music and dance tube
STU: Well, Glenn, if you've said it once, you've said it a thousand times. The problem with this country is preplanned music. You have to start improvising music.
GLENN: Can I tell you something?
STU: It was Woodrow Wilson who created preplanned music. He's the one that did it.
GLENN: When did the player piano start? Exactly right. Around that time period
PAT: If not a little bit before.
GLENN: Because music anticipates what's coming. Do you see what I mean? They're artists. They know.
GLENN: They know. The bees know. Where's the hit the sound.
STU: Yeah. That's what happens when he says the bees know.
GLENN: And I think, really, if we're going to do the bees know, don't we all have to say the bees know
STU: That's the plan, but you didn't warn us.
GLENN: They know it and
ALL: The bees know .
GLENN: It doesn't really work. okay. Here we go. Now, this one's not going to piss you off, America. We're just going over stimulus package and how the money has been spent. $144,541 to get monkeys high on cocaine to see how they respond.
STU: That's interesting.
PAT: I didn't know.
GLENN: Is there a problem with monkeys?
PAT: You want the know what's going to happen if you get your monkeys stoned.
STU: You don't want to get them high. You don't want to do that.
GLENN: I know people get their babies stoned. I've seen the YouTube videos. I haven't seen the Dance Tube on it, but I've seen the YouTube individuals where people take they babies they should go to jail for this and blow the smoke of pot or something in the baby's face, which is always so cute when you've done that to an infant. But is somebody wasting their cocaine on their monkeys?
STU: Happens all the time. A huge problem in America.
GLENN: I mean, as a former cocaine user, I wouldn't have shared my cocaine with my best friend. And by the way, my best friend was Pat --
PAT: He never asked.
GLENN: I wouldn't have shared it. In fact, he would have probably called the police.
GLENN: $497,893 to quit smoking and get a Smart Phone. What is that?
STU: They were buying Smart Phones for people so when they felt like they might smoke, they could call someone and they could tell them not to smoke. So, that's a Smart Phone.
PAT: That's a good smoking campaign?
STU: Yeah. I think so. Maybe not the most effective.
GLENN: Why do they hate kids? Why do they hate kids? Why do people in Washington hate kids?
STU: What do you mean?
GLENN: They raised the smoking tax to be able to pay for insurance. So, everybody would stop----- smoking hurts the children.
STU: That's true.
GLENN: Why do they hate children?
PAT: That's a good point. I think you're going to like this next expenditure, though?
GLENN: $199,862 helping Serbians lobby Russian policymakers.
GLENN: Oh, Siberian.
PAT: It would make sense to have Serbians to lobby Russian policymakers. You want the Siberians to lobby the Russian policy maker.
GLENN: Why do we care? How is that helping our economy? Is there a plot?
STU: Creating jobs for Siberians.
GLENN: $298,543 to help predict the weather. Right now you're going well, that might be really let me finish the sentence. To help predict weather on other planets.
PAT: What are you, a planet phobe? What are you? A Zeta planet phobe? You don't want other people on other planets to anticipate what they should be wearing that day?
GLENN: Why do you hate the red planet?
PAT: Yeah. Why? Good question. Glad you brought it up.
GLENN: That's why I hate it. I hope they just cover this on TV because, you know, I only watch TV once a while in the morning and they will say, if you're traveling to Atlanta, it's going to be hot, 98 and a chance of a thunderstorm. If you happen to be going to Mars, it is, of course, going to be very cold, with a chance of really cold.
PAT: Low about 250 below zero. The high today around 219 below.
GLENN: Now, we can't tell you for sure, but we have this new technology to predict the weather on other planets.
PAT: 312 on Venus today.
GLENN: $456,663 to Cal Berkley to study global circulation in the atmosphere of Neptune. You can't make this up. 712,883 goes to scientists who are trying to create a joke machine.
PAT: I think they've already done that.
GLENN: It's called Congress.
PAT: Uh huh, uh huh.
STU: A joke machine? I totally want a joke machine. That's the best thing they've spent on it on so far.
GLENN: $500,000 to Dayton, Ohio, for microchips to track citizens' use of recycling bins. Let me tell you something, you put one of those recycling bins on my porch or moon my curb, you're not going to need a chip to track it because it will be in your ###. You can look for it there.
STU: It would be difficult.
GLENN: Oh, it might be difficult for you to keep it there, but it won't be hard for me to shove it up there.
STU: So, you wouldn't list yourself as pro recycling? I'm just trying to clarify.
GLENN: No. I just read that off of a piece of paper that was just spat out by my joke machine.
[NOTE: Transcript may have been edited to enhance readability - audio archive includes full segment as it was originally aired]