GLENN: According to Ashley Cleek, it appears as though the Russians are onto us. A Russian political scientist has claimed the United States may be, may there's no evidence yet, that we may be using our climate change weapons to alter the temperature and crop yields in Russia and central Asian countries. A recent article Andrei Areshev, deputy director of Strategic Culture Foundation, wrote at the moment climate weapons may be reaching their target capacity and may be used to evoke droughts, erase crops and produce various phenomena in certain countries. The article has been carried by publications throughout Russia in a television in a telephone interview, he appeared to back off some of the claims he made in the article saying that he was only pushing a theory that we were using our climate change weapons.

PAT: If we have a climate change weapon, why don't we change the climate here and stop the catastrophic temperature increase that we've been experiencing for so long ?

GLENN: Well, here's the interesting thing. They say that our climate change weapons

STU: What do they do?

GLENN: Are being used that we have them based in Alaska. Now, if you had a climate change weapon and you were based in Alaska

PAT: Wouldn't you warm it up?

GLENN: A little bit? I mean, don't you think there would come a day or two that you'd be like, damn it, I am freezing; I would like it to be 70 degrees.

STU: Well, if it goes 1 or 2 degrees warmer than it is now, all the polar bears will die.

GLENN: Well, we're up there now beating them in the head with, like I think we're beating them in the head with baby seals.

STU: You are saying we're killing baby seals.

GLENN: No, we're killing polar bears with baby seals.

STU: Live baby seals?

GLENN: Using live baby seals as clubs and we're beating the polar bears to death with the baby seals, that way man walks away and when scientists come up, they are like, what happened here?

STU: We record it, right?

PAT: Nature battle. It was a nature battle.

GLENN: Nature battle. It appears as though the baby seals were just repeatedly throwing themselves at the heads of the polar bears.

PAT: Would that

GLENN: It's the perfect murder.

PAT: Would that kill a polar bear? Uh...

GLENN: That's what they want you to believe, that it wouldn't.

STU: Oh.

PAT: I wouldn't think it would.

STU: So, they are both dead.

GLENN: I can't give all of the secrets out, okay?

STU: Like the weather machine, you can't just give those secrets out.

GLENN: I can't just give the weather machine out. So... didn't Russia have an earthquake machine?

PAT: Either that or a Supposedly they have got that Tesla weather machine.

GLENN: That's right. They I believe they were blamed

PAT: Didn't they

GLENN: Katrina.

PAT: Yeah.

GLENN: They started Katrina.

STU: I thought that was George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.

GLENN: No. They blew up the levees.

STU: Oh, okay.

GLENN: It was the Russians that used their weather machine to create because you know what? Bad hurricanes don't happen.

PAT: No.

STU: No. Never happens in real life.

GLENN: Never happens.

PAT: Never.

GLENN: Drought doesn't happen.

STU: Never occurred in history.

GLENN: Never occurred in his toe.

PAT: Nope.

GLENN: It was Stalin who used his weather machine at the time for the dust bowl.

PAT: Gosh, we had them back then.

GLENN: Oh, yeah.

PAT: Back in the Thirties?

GLENN: Oh, yeah. You remember the dream that Joseph and his Technicolor dream coat?

PAT: Yeah.

GLENN: Do you remember? What was the dream?

PAT: Seven years of drought.

GLENN: Weather machine.

PAT: Holy cow.

GLENN: Weather machine.

PAT: That is with the Assyrians? Is that who did that to the Egyptians?

GLENN: Well, you know, that's inside the pyramids that they don't want you to know.

PAT: Oh.

GLENN: Alien weather machines, alien weather machines.

GLENN: So

PAT: This technology's been around a long time, long time.

GLENN: Jeffy who is currently monitoring The Feed is shaking his head and, like, don't make fun of the weather machines.

STU: Believes everything.

GLENN: It's suddenly cold in here, isn't it? Brrrr.

STU: Now, the ice age from 450 million years ago, was that

GLENN: Weather machine.

STU: That was a weather machine, because really way back, 450

PAT: Whose technology was that?

GLENN: It was an alien otter technology. You never see the otters coming.

PAT: No.

STU: Back in the Paleozoic period?

GLENN: Just like the polar bears will never see the seals coming. Know what I'm saying?

STU: They probably wouldn't because they wouldn't be threatened by

GLENN: A baby seal?

STU: Would they be threatened by the people swinging the baby seals?

GLENN: No, they will have the invisibility cloak on.

STU: That's another weapon we have?

GLENN: Oh, yeah.

STU: Wow.

GLENN: Harry Potter, not a lot of people know this but J.K. Rowling

PAT: Based on actual events?

GLENN: Not a lot of people know this but she's a CIA plant.

PAT: Oh, man.

GLENN: Yeah, that whole thing was written to make the witches who are really the ones that you should be worried about, the witches. And it's to make the witches think we don't have this technology. See what I mean?

PAT: Well, we're learning a lot this morning.

GLENN: Jeffy, you actually believe in the weather machine, don't you?

JEFFY: I do. That's where the hurricanes all start, the weather machines kicked up the dust in Africa and pushes it out across the Atlantic.

GLENN: Where do they keep these weather machines?

JEFFY: I believe you've already discussed that. The pyramids.

STU: Oh, the pyramids.

GLENN: The pyramids. It's not in Alaska?

STU: That would be ridiculous.

GLENN: Because the Russians say we have it in Alaska.

JEFFY: Too many dead polar bears and seals in Alaska, would bring too many people there.

STU: That's a good point. People would be there for the carnage.

GLENN: He agrees that it is very, very hot in Russia but it's also very hot in the United States. This is this Russian scientist. But he says the United States is significantly farther south than Russia, meaning that such high temperatures are not so surprising there. May I just point out that I don't think it's been that hot of a summer.

PAT: I don't, either.

GLENN: It's been

PAT: I keep hearing, hottest July ever, hottest year on record! The hottest year?

GLENN: This may be, this may be an actual global warming denier here, but I don't mean it intentionally. I just don't think it's been that hot. I mean, we've had hot days, but

STU: Yeah, but you are measuring that on New York's temperature, not the global temperature.

GLENN: Yeah.

STU: It has been a warm summer globally. But that's neither here, nor there in this debate. They try to make that out that that's the end all, be all.

GLENN: What debate? Weather machines?

STU: Of global warming versus weather machines. It's clearly weather machines, clearly.

GLENN: Can I ask if we have a global weather machine and we're making things hotter with our global weather machine, wouldn't that be proof positive that global warming is a hoax?

STU: If we had weather machines? That’s Jeffy saying that. I guess, yes, but we don't have weather machines.

GLENN: Oh, see, here he goes.

PAT: You are so naive, Stu.

STU: That's the sort of spin I have on this program.

PAT: He is so naive.

STU: I'm a weather machine denier.

GLENN: You know what comes to mind?

MICHELLE OBAMA: And Barack knows that we are going to have to make sacrifices, we are going to have to change our conversation, we're going to have to change our traditions, our history, we're going to have to move into a different place.

GLENN: Move into a different place. Where is that after you've made this one too warm for us to live in? What is that different place? Why are you changing history that there were no otter alien weather machines in the great pyramids of Giza?

STU: That's history now? That's not just a comment that you made up three minutes ago?

GLENN: Jeffy

STU: Wait, Jeffy is the person who just agreed with you. Why would he be someone to confirm it?

JEFFY: History.

GLENN: History. Pat, had you heard that before?

PAT: Of course.

STU: Really? So the otters, alien otters, not just regular otters, are they called otters? Do they look like the otters that are here or are they just named from a planet named Ott?

GLENN: I can't tell you that. I can't tell you that. See, don't make it ridiculous.

STU: A planet called Ott is ridiculous?

PAT: You are just trying to cheapen it now, Stu. It's so obvious.

JEFFY: They have already tried to tell us in film. You haven't seen Transformers 2?

STU: No.

GLENN: I didn't see Transformers 2. Transformers 2, was that the one that was like uncomfortably sexual?

STU: Even Megan Fox couldn't get me to that one. I mean, when Megan Fox is running around in a really tight tank top and I still

GLENN: Is that who she is? Is that Megan Fox?

STU: It is Megan Fox.

JEFFY: It was tough to take as they were showing you the pyramids.

GLENN: Yeah. I really have a difficult time with the Transformers 2 because

STU: Not a good film.

GLENN: Hmmm?

STU: Not a good film.

GLENN: Were they trying?

STU: They were trying to show Megan Fox in a tank top, yes.

GLENN: Okay. I thought, this is a really bad porno.

STU: It's actually the reverse. It's just a bad movie that they added some porn to.

GLENN: Huh. Because I it seemed to be more like a bad porno than a bad movie.

STU: No.

JEFFY: Go to the pyramids.

GLENN: I saw the pyramids. We got it. Thank you.

STU: We didn't ask for it to be repeated. It wasn't that.

JEFFY: The weather machine in the pyramids.

GLENN: What are you talking about?

PAT: There was something-- I think he is talking about the fact that there was something in the pyramids, remember?

GLENN: Oh, I thought the pyramids were the

STU: Making a Fox joke.

GLENN: No, he's saying that the pyramids I don't even remember the pyramids. All I remember is, wow, this is bad, this is bad. And then I walked out with my wife, she said, I don't even understand it. And I said, because you've never been a 12 year old boy.

STU: Yeah.

GLENN: If you were a 12 year old boy, this is the greatest movie ever made.

STU: I don't know that the guy who is running Friday Calvin Coolidge specials is their demographic. I think there might be a separation there. They might have realized that someone who wants to do that

GLENN: Every guy has a 12 year old boy inside of him.

STU: But not every guy has Calvin Coolidge specials on Friday night in them.

GLENN: That's right. That is a sign of a man.

STU: Is it now?

GLENN: Yeah.

STU: Okay. Yes.

GLENN: What did you say, Pat? That's the first sign of a man.

PAT: The first?

GLENN: Well, not the first. That's one of the signs.

STU: Yes.

GLENN: Yes, that's one of the signs. Come on, he knows about the weather machines.

[NOTE: Transcript may have been edited to enhance readability - audio archive includes full segment as it was originally aired]