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GLENN: So I got an e mail that says, have you seen the cover of The Globe magazine, and I said, no, I haven't, I haven't received my copy of this week's Globe yet.
PAT: Oh, the Dolly's in love with this woman and then there's a photo of her?
GLENN: Yeah, reveal sizzling secrets about the redhead she sleeps with. No, that's not it.
GLENN: Dancing With the Stars, secrets and scandals, that's not it. Sandra Bullock's father with a wife beater?
PAT: Oh, man.
GLENN: With those. America's Got Talent, cheating bombshell? Is this little girl's voice fake? Uh oh.
PAT: What? Oh, boy.
STU: Uh oh.
GLENN: It wasn't those. It was this. Glenn Beck sex tape scandal and the mystery woman behind it.
STU: Uh oh.
PAT: Oh, boy. I just vomited in my mouth.
GLENN: Now, I thank you.
PAT: Just threw up in my mouth.
GLENN: I would like to tell The Globe if you think you are going to sell magazines, that ain't it, man, that is not the story.
PAT: Apparently they have never seen the Fox TV show that features you every night.
GLENN: I would just be vomiting. I'd be like... I would never buy that. Never buy that.
GLENN: Okay. So it has got a really bad picture of me and it's a sex tape scandal and the mystery woman behind it. Now, when I first got an e mail on this, I'm like, you've got to be kidding me. I mean, how did that tape get out?
PAT: But they have it, right? They do have the tape?
GLENN: No. Apparently and I have not read the story but apparently here's the story. The mystery woman behind it is Michele Obama.
STU: Oh, I now believe it!
PAT: Wait. In what way is she behind it?
GLENN: Apparently remember the Huffington Post, the story that ran, what was it, a couple of weeks ago where the guy said, I'll offer $100,000 for a sex tape on Glenn Beck, or any information that will bring him down permanently.
GLENN: Okay? Remember that story?
STU: Then they retracted it.
GLENN: Are you looking for the story are you looking for the picture of the hot woman to come back on television?
PAT: No, I am not. No, I am not.
GLENN: So here is so that's the story. He, in that article said, I'm not going to pay for it, but somebody will. And I'll even raise money for it. Apparently The Globe has an exclusive... that they know that Michelle Obama called him up and she was the one that said, do this.
STU: You know, I feel like if they have that, they might put it ahead of the Dolly Parton story when they have the First Lady of the United States trying to get someone's sex tape.
GLENN: No, I don't think
PAT: Clearly the Dolly story is bigger.
GLENN: I don't think so.
STU: Because I don't I haven't felt a big passion for the Dolly Parton news of late.
PAT: You haven't?
GLENN: You haven't?
STU: But perhaps that is the large
PAT: Really? She just had that 9 to 5 song out.
STU: No, that was actually a couple of years ago.
PAT: And she was in the movie? Wasn't that just a few years ago?
GLENN: She did launch Dollywood.
STU: No, Dollywood's been around for quite a long time actually.
PAT: She debuted at the Grand Ole Opry.
GLENN: So what in your wildest dreams may I ask this question: Why in your wildest dreams would you run the story, which is obviously false. I mean, it's obviously false.
STU: I haven't read it but I don't think The Globe has anything there.
GLENN: You don't wait a minute, wait a minute.
STU: I don't know that the story is what you're saying it is. That's what I've heard but I haven't actually read the story.
GLENN: I haven't, either. Let's just assume that that's what the story is.
STU: Yes, that's not true.
GLENN: That's not true.
STU: Michele Obama would be throwing up in her mouth asking for that information.
GLENN: I think everybody I throw up in my mouth. Okay. So here's the thing. Why would you put this on your cover? Because it's not going to sell magazines: Glenn Beck sex tape scandal and the mystery woman behind it? Nobody's going to pick that up and go, ooh.
STU: Especially with that picture.
GLENN: I know. There's a sex tape of that guy? Ooh, I hope they have photos. I mean, yikes.
STU: People are going to be blinding themselves.
GLENN: Yeah. I mean, you'll take the pixie sticks and jam them in your eyes. So you're not going to sell that. Is this just another smear?
STU: It's The Globe. I mean, you are a big personality at this point for whatever reason.
GLENN: Come on.
STU: You just did the big thing on there that says sex tape scandal, people will pick it up.
GLENN: No, you don't.
STU: They don't want to see pictures. They just want you to
GLENN: Hang on, hang on, hang on. Louie Anderson, sex tape scandal. Do you pick that up?
STU: Your weight might be similar to Louie Anderson but your profile is a little different at this point. I mean, you do have you just did have 500,000 people at the mall in Washington. You're not exactly Louie. I mean
GLENN: I'm trying to think of somebody fatter than me with the same, with the same
PAT: Michael Moore.
GLENN: Michael Moore sex tape scandal. I don't even pick that up.
PAT: I'm vomiting blood at that point. I hacked up a small intestine by then.
GLENN: I've already taken the cyanide capsule, which I do have in my pocket at all times in case they come. And I bit through it.
STU: What I'm saying is they should, as an editor if I'm the editor of this
GLENN: Wait, wait, we just have to because for a minute. How long before somebody publishes that I have a
STU: Glenn Beck...
GLENN: cyanide tablet in my pocket just in case they
PAT: 35 seconds.
GLENN: 35 seconds?
PAT: 35 seconds.
GLENN: Ago or from now?
PAT: From now.
STU: See, if Louie Anderson says that, no one reports it. There is a difference here. But if I'm making an editorial decision, I write in the headline no photos inside.
STU: I make sure people know that they will not be it will be text.
GLENN: No photos inside.
STU: This will be a text story.
GLENN: If you don't buy it this week, we put the photos on the cover next week.
STU: That's how you sell copies.
STU: But I think, you know, there's enough people who don't like you that would buy the magazine because they think you're in a sex photo.
GLENN: There's not that many, are there?
STU: There's four or five, I think.
GLENN: No, but the people who read The Globe, aren't those just the worst of the worst, the uneducated?
STU: The Homer Simpson America, as Cass Sunstein put it?
GLENN: They are the ones who love me, they are the only ones that love me, remember?
STU: Oh, yeah, forgot about that.
GLENN: The educated elites that know better, they don't read the globe. That's beneath them.
PAT: Mmm hmmm.
STU: They are accurate, though. There was a sex tape scandal.
STU: I mean, someone brought up a story about a sex tape and then it was pulled by the Huffington Post.
GLENN: Right. They brought
STU: It's a scandal.
GLENN: No, no, they didn't bring up a sex tape. They said find one. Find one or anything.
STU: Right, the sex tape was mentioned in the story and the story was pulled, scandal, sex tape scandal, print it.
GLENN: Let's make one. Can we make one with, like, stick figures?
GLENN: A fat stick figure? Because we get the 100 grand?
PAT: Just to get the 100,000 bucks?
GLENN: Let's release some scandalous tapes of me as a fat stick figure.
PAT: We'll just use Puffin' Fresh, you know, the Pillsbury Doughboy. Isn't that his name?
GLENN: It's Poppin' Fresh in the first place.
PAT: Yeah, Poppin' Fresh.
GLENN: Yeah, should look a little puffy.
PAT: Just a little, you know.
STU: Pasty, doughy would be a good