STU: Ah, yes, comrade!
GLENN: Comrade, listen to the voices of the motherland. They are singing out today, "Good news from the Western front."
STU: What is the good news, comrade?
GLENN: Our Progressive plans are almost in place
STU: You mean they're not already?
GLENN: They're damn close. There's still a little breath in this gal but we're bound and determined to stuff it out, comrade.
STU: It's almost like a snub film of Lady Liberty.
GLENN: Here we go. This is the first thing that's going to make your day. Christopher Dodd has a plan. Our good friend, our good comrade Chris Dodd has a plan to establish a government body to buy all the troubled mortgages from the banks and investors and move homeowners into loans insured by the federal government! So when the private sector says, holy crap, how are we going to afford this, comrade.
STU: Yes, comrade.
GLENN: As God has swooped in, he will finally set our people free!
STU: Ah, comrade, comrade, it's like I always say. Power to the people who work in the government!
GLENN: Soon, soon our glorious Progressive dreams of all living in gray housing complexes will be a dream come true.
STU: Oh, I love -- maybe soon everything will look like beautiful downtown Chernobyl.
GLENN: Comrade, from our -- well, of course, I think we could be heard. So we better not. From that bad, bad newspaper that we disagree with so very much, the New York Times.
STU: Yes, comrade.
GLENN: There's a story today that Hillary Rodham Clinton, when did she become Rodham again? Nevermind, comrade! Listen to the voices of the people as they sing out!
STU: I so hope Hillary Clinton wins when she runs --
STU: Hillary Rodham Clinton wins when she runs for the Politburo.
GLENN: She says when she becomes President, the federal government will take a more active role in the economy. (Applause.) Oh, this is good news. This is good news. We may finally permanently collapse that evil stock market thing. She says the government will take a more active role in the economy to address what she calls the excesses of the market.
STU: What did you say, comrade? Can you just repeat that?
GLENN: I was just thinking, the excesses of the capitalist market, the excesses. Comrade, pay no attention. There is never such a thing as federal excess. Spending $9 trillion, or truth be told, $56 trillion more than you have is never in excess. That, that is setting people free so they can sing about the glories of the homeless!
STU: Oh, comrade, it's so good to hear comrade Marx being quoted on the Western front.
GLENN: No, this is Hillary Clinton.
GLENN: She said that things need to be much different than they are today, and how true it is. She puts her emphasis on issues like inequality and government rather than market forces. I mean, this is -- it's crazy.
STU: It's great news from the Western front, isn't it?
GLENN: Ahhhh! I can't take it. Let me just say this to you. Hang on just a second. Stop the music for just a second. Wait!
I just have to say, I want you to know this personally. My business will grow 100-fold if this woman becomes President of the United States. And then torn because my business will be so unbelievably huge if she becomes President. The reason I'm torn is because while it may grow 100 fold, my taxes will grow 1,000% and really, isn't that the way it should be? Comrade!
STU: Oh, comrade.
GLENN: She's gone on. She said that economic excesses in the market, including executive pay packages that she says are offensive and wrong and a tax code that has become so far out of whack in favoring the wealthy, while holding down the standard of living of the middle class. And she's right. She is right. The middle class has shrunk, shrunk by 12%. Upper class grew by 12%. The lower class stayed the same. Pay no attention to those numbers, comrade. Pay no attention. Listen to the propaganda and the voice of the people as it rings out from beautiful shore to beautiful shore! She said, "If you go back and look at our history, we were most successful when we had that balance between an effective vigorous government and a dynamic appropriately regulated market." They must be still writing that history book because I haven't read that anywhere in history. I'm just trying to remember that part of history, but I'm sure -- oh, comrade!
GLENN: Remember that time, we shan't speak about it now or point out actual dates or places or people or things, but remember, remember back, oh, just over a mere 70 years ago when we had regulated markets and really vigorous government? Oh, those were the days in the 1930s. She said we had a systematically diminished role and the responsibility of our government and we watched our market become imbalanced. I want to get back to the appropriate balance of power between government and the market."
STU: Think of all the time people saved when they didn't have to check their bank accounts because they read zero all the time.
GLENN: She says the economy, her plan would have three main components. She would roll back the Bush tax cuts for households with incomes over $250,000, which basically are the small business owners in America, while creating more tax breaks below that threshold; impose closer scrutiny on financial markets including investments being made by foreign governments and raising spending on job-creating projects. Remember, comrade, when we built the Hoover dam? Oh, those were the days. Inequality is growing. The middle class is stalled. No, it's not. The American dream is premised on a growing economy where people are in a mediocrity -- meritocracy.
STU: That's a foreign word!
GLENN: If they are willing to work hard, they will realize the fruits of their labor. It reminds me of an old phrase, "Work shall set you free." Oh, it is so good, once again on the Western front, to hear the words that are so reminiscent of our founding fathers. So now from the former Soviet Union, I and our founding fathers say, bye-bye, America.
STU: You know, they are not using USSR. We already have U.S. We can just add on SR. We're there.
GLENN: S and an R. We are already making S's. We only need to make an R. That's it. Can't we get somebody from China to give us an R?
STU: Can we redesign -- maybe someone on the left side can do this today. Can we redo the stars and the flag to just do a sort of hammer/sickle thing?
GLENN: That would be great. That would be -- you know, I have to tell you, Stu, this is a kick-ass national anthem, too.
STU: So good.
GLENN: It's the former Soviet Union national anthem. They are not using it anymore.
STU: We could totally adopt it.
GLENN: Why don't we just use it?
STU: I mean, I would think they would say it's property of community. We wouldn't even have to buy it on the market.
GLENN: Which would you use it? It would be like Che Guevara licensing his image.
STU: He would never do that.
GLENN: He would never do that. Che is one with the people. Everything is free. They all own --
STU: They are already doing it.
STU: They are already licensing it for capitalist use.
GLENN: Listen to this music. Isn't it -- all right, stop the music here.
Here is the new T-shirt that I designed and I designed it just in advance just in case John McCain does win the primary and Hillary Clinton wins the primary and I'm going to unveil it now here on the web cam. It is vote donkaphant. And what I did is I had Paul Nunn who is our artist who's absolutely fantastic. I had him design a, well, it's a donkey and an elephant stitched together. It's a pretty ugly animal but isn't that really -- shouldn't that be the symbol of the donkaphant party, where you can't really tell them apart except it has a trunk and buck teeth, long ears and a move? That's the kind of place that we want to take America, isn't it? You know what, I don't think I could -- well, I know I can't vote for Hillary Clinton because this woman -- I mean, she admits it. She is a Progressive. And look it up, gang. Read Jonah Goldberg -- you know, I got a call from the book people today and they are all pissed off at me because Jonah Goldberg's book debuted at number 9 and then I made such a big deal out of it last week and I don't think it's because of me but they do, the book people do. It's now number 3 and it's beating our book and they were like, would you shut up about other books? And I'm like, no, it's a good book. And people should read this book. Liberal Fascism. There, I said it. Go out and buy it, after you buy "An Inconvenient Book." How is that? What, it's a capitalist thing.
Why did I bring up his book? What was I even talking about, Stu?
STU: I wasn't listening. There's another show on.
GLENN: Is it good?
STU: It's really good.
GLENN: So, you know, I've said before that I just can't vote for John McCain. I just can't do it.
STU: Have you said that, though? I don't think that you've actually made that statement.
GLENN: I can't do it. I can't do it.
STU: Under any senses?
GLENN: Here's the thing. Here's the thing. I think it would be much better to just let them -- because here's what happened. You vote for John McCain and it's going to be a Democratic congress. You vote for John McCain and John McCain will compromise and he will be the flag bearer of the conservative movement and he's not. He doesn't -- I mean, he will sign in the global warming stuff. I mean, he's a nightmare. He's only good, kind of, on the war. I don't even think that you can give him 100% on the war. But I mean, at least he's got that down. But you know what? That's just not enough for me and I'm not willing to have him, you know, bipartisan move work hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder with socialists like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid and Hillary Clinton. I'm just not willing to go down that road. I won't compromise, and he will. And so then what's left of the conservative movement? Nothing. Nothing. I'd rather have Hillary Clinton in there and a Democratic congress for two years, just absolutely nightmare and then maybe America will wake up. And then they will put a Republican congress in there. And maybe that Republican congress will see that we didn't -- we just didn't go and lap up their bullcrap when they tried to spoon-feed us socialism. We said "no, we don't really want to go there. Oh, I know you've got a little bit of this and a little bit of that, but no thank you. I don't flirt with socialism. I'm not interested in it. I'll go live in Cuba, I'll go live in Canada. There are options. Let's try something different. Oh, a little quaint thing I like to call the American experiment that was working pretty well until, oh, I don't know, the New Deal."