Vote Fluffenfluff

With Nerf Hoffelmeyer pulling out of the race early this year, radio host Jim Dingle has fully thrown his support behind Floyd Fluffinfluff.

GLENN: I don't know about you but I think one of the things, I think the reason people are having such a hard time knowing who to vote for is you don't know who to trust because they are all telling you exactly what they think you want to hear and, you know, I don't want to hear anything specifically except what you really, truly think the problems of the world are and what you really, truly believe the solutions are. Not what you think I want the problems to be or the solutions to be but what you really truly believe. But I don't think any candidate could ever have enough guts. I think they would win but I don't think they would have enough guts to actually tell you. Of course then again I should take that back. I don't know. If there was a candidate that ran an ad that was an honest ad and said here's what the problems are, would they win.

We put together a series here of campaign ads. Here's the first. My first thought was, okay, here's the ad that maybe would work because it's a little honest:

VOICE: This election is about change and the greatest change we need in Washington is honesty. So while other candidates will tell you what you want to hear, Floyd Fluffinfluff is the only one who will tell you what you need to hear, real lasting change. That's the Fluffinfluff promise. Vote for lieutenant deputy mayor Floyd Fluffinfluff. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth with no fluff, just Fluffinfluff.

GLENN: All right. And then I thought, that's not -- I mean, that doesn't -- any candidate can say "I'm going to tell you the truth." You've got to be a little more specific. What's the truth?

VOICE: While some candidates will say our economy is headed toward a recession, only Floyd Fluffinfluff will tell you the unvarnished truth: We're all screwed. A Great Depression would be like a minor flesh wound compared to the [BLEEP] kicking that's coming our way. So keep getting your fill of sugar-coated lies if you want or turn to Floyd Fluffinfluff and finally get a taste of the truth. Former executive assistant to the assistant deputy of the city clerk, Floyd Fluffinfluff for President because a bitter pill is a better pill.

GLENN: See, okay, that's the beginning. Sure, you are going to tell us the truth, you are going to tell us how bad things are but that's not helpful. Americans are positive. They don't want to look to the past, they don't want to look to today, they want to look to the future. "Okay, so it's bad. What are you going to do about it."

VOICE: John McCain says Social Security has big challenges ahead. Mitt Romney admits the retirement age might have to rise. But they're only giving you the fluff, not the Fluffinfluff. Only Floyd Fluffinfluff dares to tell our seniors the truth: Social Security is dead, over, finito. The Fluffinfluff solution, raise the retirement age to 106. Problem solved. Sure, there will be some pissed off seniors, but they will be dead soon. So who cares. Certainly not the Fluffster. Two-time local elementary school crosswalk guard Floyd Fluffinfluff for President because it's about time somebody told our seniors to get a frickin' job.

GLENN: Hey, I think that's too negative. I mean, he starts out attacking. You lose him at the beginning because he's attacking, you know, John McCain and Mitt Romney. He's got to just be who he is and then just lay it all on the line.

VOICE: Longtime local resident Floyd Fluffinfluff is the only presidential candidate who tells you the hard truths without all the fluff, only the Fluffinfluff. The truth: America is going bankrupt. Only Floyd Fluffinfluff will pledge to raise income taxes 92% on the middle class. The truth: America spends too much. Only Floyd Fluffinfluff will eliminate Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and welfare benefits, along with all federal prisons. The truth: America is growing too rapidly. Only Floyd Fluffinfluff will strictly enforce a two-child per household law along with banning all future adoptions. The truth, Americans are lazy. Only Floyd Fluffinfluff will pledge to disband OSHA and remove all child labor laws from the books. And there's plenty more where that came from. Floyd Fluffinfluff for President because it's time for some tough love and some tough Fluffinfluff love in the Oval Office.

Legal scholar and famed criminal defense attorney Alan Dershowitz has a message for partisans dividing America: "A plague on both your houses." He voted for Hillary Clinton. He endorsed Joe Biden. He's a man who is basically the Forrest Gump of American judicial history.

Look up a big court case over the past few decades, and you'll probably see him standing in the background. He's represented notorious clients like Mike Tyson, Patty Hearst, Harry Reems, Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, and yes, Donald Trump. It's made him a target for both the left and right.

Alan also describes himself as a "civil libertarian," and that's probably why he and Glenn Beck get along despite their opposing political views. His story is like a history lesson, spanning half a century, and it just might be the key to bridging the political divide.

On this week's podcast, Alan explained that while he's a strong defender of the Constitution, he's never been a big fan of the Second Amendment. In the past he's called it absurd and outdated, and even today, he admits that he wouldn't have ingrained it into our Constitution if he was a framer. However, with the whole Bill of Rights under attack, he's now fully in defense of our right to bear arms. Because if the Second Amendment changes, any amendment could be next.

"I'm now a supporter of the Second Amendment. I don't want to change it. I don't want to change one word of it, because I'm afraid that if I get to change the Second Amendment, other people will get to change the First Amendment, and the Fifth Amendment," Alan said. "So, I am committed to preserving the Bill of Rights, every single word, every comma, and every space between the words."

Watch a clip from the full interview with Alan Dershowitz below:

Watch the full podcast below, on Glenn's YouTube channel, or on Blaze Media's podcast network.

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Investigative reporter David Steinberg joined the radio program Monday, to explain how a new video may provide enough evidence to begin a FBI investigation into alleged illegal practices by Minnesota Rep. Ilhan Omar's campaign.

In the video, which was produced and released by Project Veritas, residents of Omar's community describe campaign teams that not only conduct illegal ballot harvesting practices but also pay people for their blank absentee ballots.

Steinberg told Glenn that, if these charges prove to be true, the federal government could bypass Omar's friend and protector, Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison. Could 2020 be the beginning of the end for Omar's political career?

Watch the video below to catch Glenn's conversation with David Steinberg:

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Mike Fratantuono is the manager of Sunset Restaurant in Glen Burnie, Maryland. He wrote in the Washington Post's COVID-19 series about the recent, heartbreaking loss of his business, a restaurant that has been in his family for "four generations and counting."

"I know this virus is real, okay? It's real and it's awful. I'm not disputing any of that," Mike wrote. "But our national hysteria is worse. We allowed the virus to take over our economy, our small businesses, our schools, our social lives, our whole quality of life. We surrendered, and now everything is infected."

On the radio program Monday, Glenn Beck reacted to Mike's letter, which he shared in full, adding his hope that those in government are ultimately held responsible for what he called the biggest theft of the Western world.

"This is the biggest theft of, not only money, but of heritage and of hope," Glenn said. "The United States government and many of the states are responsible for this, not you. And hopefully someday soon, we'll return to some semblance of sanity, and those responsible for this theft, this rape of the Western world, will be held responsible."

Watch the video below for more details:

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

We did our homework over the weekend; we did the research so we can tell you what is likely coming from Senate Democrats regarding President Trump's Supreme Court Nominee Amy Coney Barrett. Based on our research and the anonymous people who have already come forward to talk about Coney Barrett's youth, these are the main shocking things you can expect Senate Democrats to seize on during the confirmation process…

A man has come forward under the banner of "#MenToo," to say that in second grade, Amy Coney Barrett and her best friend at the time, cornered him at a birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese and "injected him with a full dose of cooties." Which, if true, would obviously be disqualifying for serving on the highest court in the land.

Then there's a woman who says when she was nine-years-old, she lived on the same street as Amy Coney Barrett. She alleges that Coney-Barrett borrowed her VHS tape of Herbie Goes Bananas and did not return it for at least six months. And then when she did finally get the tape back, the woman says Coney Barrett did not even bother to rewind it. The FBI has interviewed at least two witnesses so far who say the tape was indeed not rewound and that it was very upsetting to the owner of the tape. Again, if true, this is troubling – clearly not the kind of integrity you want to see in a Supreme Court justice.

Apparently, in their elementary school days, they liked to drink milk – and lots of it.

The same neighbor also dropped a bombshell allegation about the drinking problem of Amy Coney Barrett and her closest friends. Apparently, in their elementary school days, they liked to drink milk – and lots of it. The neighbor says she "frequently" witnessed Coney-Barrett and her friends chugging entire cartons of milk – often Whole Milk, sometimes Chocolate Milk, occasionally both at the same time through a funnel.

Unfortunately, shooting-up cooties, injurious rewinding, and potential calcium-abuse are not even the worst of it.

A third person has now come forward, another man, and this is just reprehensible, it's hard to even fathom. But he alleges that in fourth grade, when they were around ten-years-old, Amy Coney Barrett and a group of "four or five of her friends" gang-GRAPED him on the playground during recess. He alleges the group of friends snuck uneaten grapes out of the cafeteria and gang-GRAPED him repeatedly in broad daylight. In other words, and I hate to have to spell this out because it's kind of graphic, but the group led by ten-year-old Amy Coney Barrett pelted this poor defenseless boy with whole grapes. He recalls them "laughing the whole time" as they were gang-GRAPING him.

He recalls them "laughing the whole time" as they were gang-GRAPING him.

Obviously, even if just one of these allegations is half-true, no Senator with a conscience could possibly vote to confirm Coney Barrett. When there is a clear pattern of destructive childhood behavior, it always continues into adulthood. Because people do not change. Ever.

Fortunately, for the sake of the Republic, Democrats plan to subpoena Coney Barrett's childhood diary, to see what, if any, insights it may provide into her calcium habits, as well as her abuse of illicit cooties and the gang-GRAPING incident.

We will keep you posted on the latest, but for now, it looks like Democrats will find plenty in the reckless pre-teen life of Amy Coney Barrett to cast doubt on her nomination. And if not, they can always fall back on her deranged preference for letting babies be born.

[NOTE: The preceding was a parody written by MRA writer Nathan Nipper.]