With Nerf Hoffelmeyer pulling out of the race early this year, radio host Jim Dingle has fully thrown his support behind Floyd Fluffinfluff.
GLENN: I don't know about you but I think one of the things, I think the reason people are having such a hard time knowing who to vote for is you don't know who to trust because they are all telling you exactly what they think you want to hear and, you know, I don't want to hear anything specifically except what you really, truly think the problems of the world are and what you really, truly believe the solutions are. Not what you think I want the problems to be or the solutions to be but what you really truly believe. But I don't think any candidate could ever have enough guts. I think they would win but I don't think they would have enough guts to actually tell you. Of course then again I should take that back. I don't know. If there was a candidate that ran an ad that was an honest ad and said here's what the problems are, would they win.
We put together a series here of campaign ads. Here's the first. My first thought was, okay, here's the ad that maybe would work because it's a little honest:
VOICE: This election is about change and the greatest change we need in Washington is honesty. So while other candidates will tell you what you want to hear, Floyd Fluffinfluff is the only one who will tell you what you need to hear, real lasting change. That's the Fluffinfluff promise. Vote for lieutenant deputy mayor Floyd Fluffinfluff. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth with no fluff, just Fluffinfluff.
GLENN: All right. And then I thought, that's not -- I mean, that doesn't -- any candidate can say "I'm going to tell you the truth." You've got to be a little more specific. What's the truth?
VOICE: While some candidates will say our economy is headed toward a recession, only Floyd Fluffinfluff will tell you the unvarnished truth: We're all screwed. A Great Depression would be like a minor flesh wound compared to the [BLEEP] kicking that's coming our way. So keep getting your fill of sugar-coated lies if you want or turn to Floyd Fluffinfluff and finally get a taste of the truth. Former executive assistant to the assistant deputy of the city clerk, Floyd Fluffinfluff for President because a bitter pill is a better pill.
GLENN: See, okay, that's the beginning. Sure, you are going to tell us the truth, you are going to tell us how bad things are but that's not helpful. Americans are positive. They don't want to look to the past, they don't want to look to today, they want to look to the future. "Okay, so it's bad. What are you going to do about it."
VOICE: John McCain says Social Security has big challenges ahead. Mitt Romney admits the retirement age might have to rise. But they're only giving you the fluff, not the Fluffinfluff. Only Floyd Fluffinfluff dares to tell our seniors the truth: Social Security is dead, over, finito. The Fluffinfluff solution, raise the retirement age to 106. Problem solved. Sure, there will be some pissed off seniors, but they will be dead soon. So who cares. Certainly not the Fluffster. Two-time local elementary school crosswalk guard Floyd Fluffinfluff for President because it's about time somebody told our seniors to get a frickin' job.
GLENN: Hey, I think that's too negative. I mean, he starts out attacking. You lose him at the beginning because he's attacking, you know, John McCain and Mitt Romney. He's got to just be who he is and then just lay it all on the line.
VOICE: Longtime local resident Floyd Fluffinfluff is the only presidential candidate who tells you the hard truths without all the fluff, only the Fluffinfluff. The truth: America is going bankrupt. Only Floyd Fluffinfluff will pledge to raise income taxes 92% on the middle class. The truth: America spends too much. Only Floyd Fluffinfluff will eliminate Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and welfare benefits, along with all federal prisons. The truth: America is growing too rapidly. Only Floyd Fluffinfluff will strictly enforce a two-child per household law along with banning all future adoptions. The truth, Americans are lazy. Only Floyd Fluffinfluff will pledge to disband OSHA and remove all child labor laws from the books. And there's plenty more where that came from. Floyd Fluffinfluff for President because it's time for some tough love and some tough Fluffinfluff love in the Oval Office.