Stu: Mr. Speaker of the House, the President of the Glenn Beck Program.
Glenn: Thank you, thank you. Why are only half of you standing up, get off your fat ass! Thank you. Thank you. My head writer, staff members, distinguished guests, fellow Glenn Beck fans, seven years have passed since I first stood before this microphone and tried to entertain and enlighten you, emphasis on the word try. Well, I may have done, oh, just a ton of crappy shows since then and it seems like the crappy shows seem to happen from time to time in a much more rapid pace lately, like two or three times a week, sometimes even four or five times a week, I am pleased to report to you that even with all of that show crappiness, the State of the Glenn Beck program is strong! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We have been busy doing the conservative work, fighting a stubborn enemy, liberal bloggers have posted over 10,000 action alerts to try to get me fired. But thanks to, you know, form being being sponsors and people who are actually born with spines and common sense, today I still have a job and simply by putting the complaints in context, we are making the enemy look even geekier and dumber than ever before. I will -- are you drinking?
Glenn: I will not back down from that challenge, even if that means complete and utter humiliation. My commitment to this audience is unwavering. Despite having surgery on my butt which went horribly awry, I braved the embarrassment and was interviewed on dozens of television shows, including Good Morning America, where I rehashed my butt story and then I did it again over and over and over again, hundreds of times in interviews with radio hosts, newspaper journalists, and television hosts all across America, time and time again reminding me of the most embarrassing of all hospital procedures, butt surgery. That I had on my butt. Many people laughed at my expense. However, after 1400 interviews and 1 million views of my YouTube video and countless parodies about my butt surgery, it is pretty clear who has gotten the last laugh, my butt! Thank you (applause). Yes. That's right. The one who got the last laugh was my butt which happens to have close proximity to where I keep my wallet! (Applause.) Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to report to you that the state of my butt is strong!
Stu: That's kind of nasty. Can we get past the butt part?
Glenn: I wish we could. Oh, how I wish we could, but while the state of my butt is strong, there are many challenges that I face, such as my abs, my man boobs, the pasty white complex, the receding hairline, the triple chin thing that is getting worse and worse, but I have laid out a plan and I want to address this issue. That's why I beg of you, members of the audience please, please, please, please, please, please, for everything that is good and sacred, please renew the no doughnut left behind act! Why is Ted Kennedy standing on this one? It's like he's got rabies all of a sudden. Look at him foam in the mouth. Doughnuts! We've been doing other important work besides just talking about my butt and eating doughnuts or at least that's what they tell me. We've been also spreading the concept of common sense all across this great land with the help of my administration and the people of people like you everywhere, An Inconvenient Book has been on the "New York Times" best sellers list in the top five for nine weeks, which just proves any man boob can do it (applause) and there is no sign of letting up. That's a good sign that people need hope. They need -- they need to know that hope and change is on the horizon. You can find hope in that. So, on this -- (Applause.) Wait. So, on this day we hope that the hope and change, the kind of change that has changed the way Americans live, will inspire the change that we've so desperately hoped for! (Applause.) And because of change, well, that and ineptness, corruption, an a government that can't get out of its own way, the message of change I bring to you today is this: Our economy is changing. In fact, I think it's pretty much going to crumble right there beneath our -- (Applause.) Yes. I don't know why you're clapping for that one, because that kind of scarce the living dog crap out of me. The message of hope that I bring to you is it just might, if we all work together, it just might not crumble enough to make you stand in line for food (applause) and finally there is one last message of change that I'd like to talk to you about. As I talk about the issues and warn voters against the change dangers of electing a liberal President like Hillary Clinton or John McCain, I want this to be perfect clear. Although most people and our nation's economy would suffer, I mean unbelievably. It would be like hemorrhaging from every pore of your body, oh, but I want you to know, America, and I mean this sincerely, the exact opposite is true for this program!
(Applause.) This election is a win-win for me because if a conservative gets in, we all win: If Hillary Clinton or a democrat gets in, well, I mean, you're screwed to the wall, but my comedy dollars will flow like the salmon of Capistrano. So, remember hope, yes, remember hope and remember change. Thank you and God bless the Glenn Beck program (applause). I've got a doughnut. Fetch, fetch!