State of the Program Address

Stu: Mr. Speaker of the House, the President of the Glenn Beck Program.

Glenn: Thank you, thank you. Why are only half of you standing up, get off your fat ass! Thank you. Thank you. My head writer, staff members, distinguished guests, fellow Glenn Beck fans, seven years have passed since I first stood before this microphone and tried to entertain and enlighten you, emphasis on the word try. Well, I may have done, oh, just a ton of crappy shows since then and it seems like the crappy shows seem to happen from time to time in a much more rapid pace lately, like two or three times a week, sometimes even four or five times a week, I am pleased to report to you that even with all of that show crappiness, the State of the Glenn Beck program is strong! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We have been busy doing the conservative work, fighting a stubborn enemy, liberal bloggers have posted over 10,000 action alerts to try to get me fired. But thanks to, you know, form being being sponsors and people who are actually born with spines and common sense, today I still have a job and simply by putting the complaints in context, we are making the enemy look even geekier and dumber than ever before. I will -- are you drinking?

Dan: What?

Glenn: I will not back down from that challenge, even if that means complete and utter humiliation. My commitment to this audience is unwavering. Despite having surgery on my butt which went horribly awry, I braved the embarrassment and was interviewed on dozens of television shows, including Good Morning America, where I rehashed my butt story and then I did it again over and over and over again, hundreds of times in interviews with radio hosts, newspaper journalists, and television hosts all across America, time and time again reminding me of the most embarrassing of all hospital procedures, butt surgery. That I had on my butt. Many people laughed at my expense. However, after 1400 interviews and 1 million views of my YouTube video and countless parodies about my butt surgery, it is pretty clear who has gotten the last laugh, my butt! Thank you (applause). Yes. That's right. The one who got the last laugh was my butt which happens to have close proximity to where I keep my wallet! (Applause.) Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to report to you that the state of my butt is strong!

Stu: That's kind of nasty. Can we get past the butt part?

Glenn: I wish we could. Oh, how I wish we could, but while the state of my butt is strong, there are many challenges that I face, such as my abs, my man boobs, the pasty white complex, the receding hairline, the triple chin thing that is getting worse and worse, but I have laid out a plan and I want to address this issue. That's why I beg of you, members of the audience please, please, please, please, please, please, for everything that is good and sacred, please renew the no doughnut left behind act! Why is Ted Kennedy standing on this one? It's like he's got rabies all of a sudden. Look at him foam in the mouth. Doughnuts! We've been doing other important work besides just talking about my butt and eating doughnuts or at least that's what they tell me. We've been also spreading the concept of common sense all across this great land with the help of my administration and the people of people like you everywhere, An Inconvenient Book has been on the "New York Times" best sellers list in the top five for nine weeks, which just proves any man boob can do it (applause) and there is no sign of letting up. That's a good sign that people need hope. They need -- they need to know that hope and change is on the horizon. You can find hope in that. So, on this -- (Applause.) Wait. So, on this day we hope that the hope and change, the kind of change that has changed the way Americans live, will inspire the change that we've so desperately hoped for! (Applause.) And because of change, well, that and ineptness, corruption, an a government that can't get out of its own way, the message of change I bring to you today is this: Our economy is changing. In fact, I think it's pretty much going to crumble right there beneath our -- (Applause.) Yes. I don't know why you're clapping for that one, because that kind of scarce the living dog crap out of me. The message of hope that I bring to you is it just might, if we all work together, it just might not crumble enough to make you stand in line for food (applause) and finally there is one last message of change that I'd like to talk to you about. As I talk about the issues and warn voters against the change dangers of electing a liberal President like Hillary Clinton or John McCain, I want this to be perfect clear. Although most people and our nation's economy would suffer, I mean unbelievably. It would be like hemorrhaging from every pore of your body, oh, but I want you to know, America, and I mean this sincerely, the exact opposite is true for this program!

(Applause.) This election is a win-win for me because if a conservative gets in, we all win: If Hillary Clinton or a democrat gets in, well, I mean, you're screwed to the wall, but my comedy dollars will flow like the salmon of Capistrano. So, remember hope, yes, remember hope and remember change. Thank you and God bless the Glenn Beck program (applause). I've got a doughnut. Fetch, fetch!

The media went nuts after President Donald Trump said "Two Corinthians". But apparently, nobody cares when Joe Biden called the authors of Biblical Psalms "palmists" — twice.

During a Thanksgiving speech on Wednesday, Biden said, "I'm sure we can, we can pros-claim [sic] a palmist, with a palmist who wrote these following words, 'The lord is my strength and my shield and with my song, I give thanks to him.'"

On the radio program Monday, Glenn Beck and producer Stu Burguiere pondered whether Biden actually meant to quote a fortune teller instead of a psalmist, but ultimately decided the former vice president likely had no idea what he was reading.

They also discussed the hairline fractures Biden suffered in his right foot on Saturday while playing his dog, and Glenn tossed out a few headlines he thought might work just a little too well.

Watch the video below:

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The Supreme Court slapped down New York Democratic Gov. Andrew Cuomo's COVID-19 restrictions on religious gatherings Wednesday, arguing that strict limitations on the number of people in churches, synagogues, and other houses of worship — while liquor stores, bike shops, and many other non-religious places face few or no restrictions at all — are in violation of the First Amendment.

On the radio program Monday, Glenn Beck and Stu Burguiere applauded Justice Amy Coney Barrett, who reportedly cast the deciding vote in the 5-4 ruling, as well as Justice Neil Gorsuch who took specific aim at Gov. Cuomo for limiting religious gatherings to as few as 10 people in some areas, while imposing "no capacity restrictions on certain businesses he considers 'essential'."

"It turns out the businesses the Governor considers essential include hardware stores, acupuncturists, and liquor stores," Gorsuch said. "Bicycle repair shops, certain signage companies, accountants, lawyers, and insurance agents are all essential too."

"Government is not free to disregard the 1st Amendment in times of crisis," Gorsuch wrote in a separate opinion.

Gov. Cuomo has since called the Supreme Court ruling "moot" and "irrelevant" because he had recently lifted restrictions in most of the affected areas.

"This is a trick they play all the time. They've done this with Second Amendment cases as well," Stu noted. "They'll put a ridiculous restriction in that's obviously not constitutional, keep it in place for a year while it goes through the courts, and right before it gets to the Supreme Court they withdraw the rule. So then the case gets thrown out because it's moot."

Watch the video below for more details:

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To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

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Hey Joe, THIS is how you handle terrorists

Wikimedia Commons

If you haven't seen the new Apple TV+ drama Tehran, it's definitely worth your time. It tells the story of an Israeli spy who sneaks into Iran to set up an attack on Iran's nuclear program. Now that the new Bond movie is delayed, this show has a little bit of everything to hold you over: international spies, hackers, double agents.

But I digress...

No matter how Hollywood tries to invent these stories — and this one is definitely good — they always fall short of what happens in real life. What happened in Iran this past Friday is a movie waiting to happen.

What happened in Iran this past Friday is a movie waiting to happen.

Iran's top nuclear scientist, Mohsen Fakhrizadeh, was assassinated as he was traveling to his private villa just a few miles east of Tehran. The operation involved a team of over 60 people. Around 50 logistical support agents backed up a dozen gunmen. They knew everything. His schedule, his private address, his classified movements, the route...

Fakhrizadeh was traveling in the middle of three armored vehicles. When they approached the ambush site, the hit team cut off all the electricity in the surrounding area. A car bomb was then remotely detonated, taking out the rear vehicle in the convoy. 12 gunmen proceeded to open fire on the other two cars. Iran's top nuclear scientist was dead, and NONE of the hit squad were wounded or arrested.

Now you can already guess where the blame is being directed this morning. Almost immediately, the fingers began to point at both Israel and the United States. The mainstream media is trying to paint this as an effort by Trump to sabotage a Biden effort to restart the Iran Nuclear Deal. Remember that "masterful" stroke of Middle East foreign policy? You know, the deal that included $150 BILLION — in cash — that Obama and Biden knew would be used to kill Americans and destabilize the entire region. Remember that?

They said it was impossible... but Trump did it.

They claimed their way was the only path to peace. What did they get from it? Iran spread out all the way to the literal doorstep of Israel. The elite Iraqi troops of the Republican Guard were staging in Syria, plotting that ultimate attack to take back Jerusalem. The entire region was set to explode... but then Trump scuttled the deal. What did it lead to? Historic peace agreements between the Arab world and Israel.

They said it was impossible... but Trump did it. He reimposed sanctions and launched a campaign to kill terrorists rather than give them money.

John Brennan took to Twitter this weekend to call the assassination a criminal act.

It echoes what they said when the top terrorist in the world — Qassem Soleimani — was assassinated in Iraq. Coincidentally, the Iranian government published artwork over the weekend depicting Soleimani and the, now dead, nuclear scientist standing side by side.

You see, now matter how people like Brennan and Biden might try and say otherwise, this is exactly the type of person Iran's "Robert Openheimer" was: a terrorist in the same category as Soleimani (but obviously with a lot more dangerous capability).

Iran has been protecting this man for two decades. They called him merely "an academic," but denied the UN IAEA inspectors to ever question him.

The rhetoric Iran fed the global community was that their nuclear program didn't have anything to do with weapons, and that this nuclear scientist was involved in research to improve their energy programs. But in 2007, the CIA said this was a cover story. In 2008, the United States froze his assets, and the IAEA made it public that this scientist was leading Iran's nuclear weapons project.

Iran called it "Projects 110 and 111." Fakhrizadeh was tasked with finding out how to miniaturize a nuclear warhead and make it durable enough so that it could survive re-entry into the atmosphere on top of an ICBM.

There can be no accommodation with terrorists.

Obama and Biden's nuclear deal didn't stop ANY of this. Israel revealed in 2018 that Projects 110 and 111 continued. Fakhrizadeh was specifically called out as still being the main man in charge.

Biden thinks his policy of accommodation will somehow bring us the peace that Neville Chamberlain once thought was possible with Hitler. When has this borne fruit with any maniacal tyrant or terrorist... ever?!

And that's exactly what Iran and their thugs are. They're terrorists! They're not a legitimate regime. Long before ISIS, the terrorists in Iran stole a country, planning to spread their caliphate all over the world. Members of Al Qaeda, despite being Sunni, enjoy free sanctuary under their protection. They want to burn Israel to the ground. They chant "death to America"... It's actually a holiday there.

There can be no accommodation with terrorists. Biden wants peace with Iran, and he'll probably roll out a red carpet and offer them a few hundred billion more dollars. We know this doesn't work. To quote Reagan, "there's one way to have peace and you can have it in this second... surrender."

That's how you deal with terrorists, and — whether we were involved or not — another one was just taken out.

How does a sports writer know how to fix America, and America's racial dilemma?

In a special edition of the "Glenn Beck Radio Program," Outkick sports columnist Jason Whitlock filled in Tuesday for Glenn to explain how we can bring America back together, lean into racial harmony, and restore the values of our Founding Fathers. Because if not us, then who will?

Jason started out by explaining how, during a recent appearance on the program, he felt a spiritual connection with Glenn, regardless of physical differences, as both share a common passion for God and country.

"Glenn and I share a kindred spirit. A kindred passion," Jason said. "We have two things that we love and are passionate about: God and country. I am not a minister. I'm a flawed sinner just like Glenn and just like you. But I am a believer. Believers share an energy that connects them, that cuts through our physical differences and makes those differences irrelevant relevant. That's what I felt when I met Glenn, an energy and a spirit that connects us. We are broadcasters, media personalities, operating in separate spaces, trying to talk to Americans, who share our passion."

Jason went on to say that he believes there are forces operating, both outside of and inside America, that are working to separate America from God, and that much of what we've witnessed in 2020 — from the racial division stirred by the mainstream and social media, to the rioting and looting by Antifa and Black Lives Matter, to the "remaking of the sports world into a shrine that celebrates resisting criminal suspects and denigrates this great country at every turn" — are symptoms and consequences of America's enemies separating God and country.

"We are one nation under God. We are nothing without Him," Jason continued. "The flawed sinners who founded this nation baked God into this country with their Declaration of Independence. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal. That they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights. That among those, are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The foreign and domestic enemies of this nation are baking a new American cake. God isn't an essential ingredient in this new cake. He isn't an ingredient at all. The removal of faith is sewing the disharmony that is terrorizing and destroying the United States of America.

"Why am I here today? I'm here to tell you how we take our country back, how we restore the freedoms and the liberties our enemies seek to remove in their remaking of a godless America."

Watch the video below to hear more from Jason Whitlock:

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

Subscribe to BlazeTV today with our BEST DEAL EVER for $30 off with promo code GLENN.