Cracking Up

GLENN: Glad we can all rally around John McCain. It's great. We've got amnesty right around the corner, we have the closure of Guantanamo Bay, we have less information from terrorists, we have a 50-cent a gallon gas tax coming thanks to McCain/Lieberman, more assaults on the First Amendment, possibly the fairness doctrine although I don't know how we could make a case for the fairness doctrine because the media today is going to start to make the case that Rush Limbaugh and everybody on talk radio's completely irrelevant.

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Here's the real case on talk radio. Our listeners are not zombies. We don't have zombies listening to us. We have thinking individuals. We have smart, educated, wealthy individuals that listen to our programs. Not all of them, but I know because I've seen the stats on the top three, they are wealthy, successful, educated people. Wealthy, successful, educated people generally aren't zombies. So they're not zombies. So why would we need a fairness doctrine? I love this. We're so powerful, we can change everything and that's why they need to shut us down with the fairness doctrine and yet now they will make the case that we're completely irrelevant. Well, let's go with we're completely irrelevant. Let's carry that banner: Talk radio is completely irrelevant because as long as they believe that, there won't be a fairness doctrine.

Now here's might have favorite story of the day. Running as a conservative, John McCain rolled up huge victories last night, New York, New Jersey and beyond. Running as a conservative is what helped him win in New York and New Jersey. Running as a conservative. Because they love them. Let me just say this. Running as a conservative helped him roll up huge victories last night in New York and New Jersey. I've got to tell you if I believe one more conservative on the streets of New York and New Jersey (laughing). Right now you walk up in the street and you see somebody who's -- it happened this morning with me with Pat Buchanan. Pat Buchanan comes into the elevator. I'm in the elevator and Pat's in the elevator and I look at him. I'm like, Pat (crying), the conservative. We hugged each other for a while. "I feel so alone (crying)." There are no conservatives in Manhattan! They've all been locked away. They have all gone insane. All the conservatives are rocking back and forth some place in Bellevue going, I just don't get it, I just don't understand it. And New Jersey? That's how John McCain won big in New Jersey because of the conservative stance he took?

Now, here's the best part of the story. Running as a conservative, John McCain rolled up huge victories last night in New York, New Jersey and beyond but if history is any guide, the McCain that we've seen of late on the campaign trail is the most conservative John McCain we will see. He's taken a commanding lead now in the GOP primary and packaging himself as a true conservative committed to limited government to slash federal spending and avowed conservative Supreme Court justices. His claim, he claims the mantle of Ronald Reagan, even claims the mantle of Barry Goldwater, conservatives' crash version of Reagan. But as McCain clinches the GOP nomination, he will now begin his leftward lurch.

So John McCain now is going to go left. Oh. Who would have seen that coming? How far left is he going to go? I think he's already there. Quote, quote: Stu, who was the flip-flopper?

STU: Well, Glenn, I've learned, if I've learned one thing from political advertising, it's that Mitt Romney is a flip-flopper.

GLENN: Yeah. John McCain's not a flip-flopper, right?

STU: No. Straight Talk Express.

GLENN: Stu.

STU: Yes?

GLENN: I don't think I can do this job anymore (crying). I don't. I don't think I can do this job anymore. I really done.

STU: We need to get Pat Gray on the phone, see if he feels like maybe doing an hour and a half or so today.

GLENN: I just don't know how to do it anymore without going insane.

STU: You need to stop letting it bother you.

GLENN: It's not bothering me.



STU: It is bothering you. It's driving you insane.

GLENN: It's not bothering me. I don't know how to make sense of it anymore. This is my job. My job is to try to make sense of stuff. I can't make sense of this.

STU: Who told you that it makes sense? What person came to you and said this world makes sense? That person doesn't make sense.

GLENN: Listen to this. Listen to this next sentence: John McCain will now return to his lifelong positions as soft on illegal immigration, skeptical of tax cuts and favoring strong federal control over things like campaign financing.

STU: Well, Glenn, I mean, think about it.

GLENN: I need a psychiatrist on the phone.

STU: I think --

GLENN: I need a psychiatrist on the phone right now. I need a psychiatrist. Clear the phones.

STU: Clear some phones and just --

GLENN: I need an actual board certified --

STU: I love this idea.

GLENN: There's not been any kind of, you know, real bad lawsuits in your career.

STU: We can tell you over --

GLENN: You don't work out of the basement of your house.

STU: That's probably fine even.

GLENN: No.

STU: We tell you over and over again that you're crazy but you need to hear it from a professional.

GLENN: This is media. This is the media. What has the media been telling us? "Oh, no, he's a real conservative. Oh, no, no, he's not a flip-flopper, no." Now they are saying this whole sham that he put up as a conservative, now he's going to shed it. He's going to dart left and he's going to go back to his lifelong positions, the ones that we've been trying to point out have been lifelong... which one of us is insane?! I want to know.

Confirming Kavanaugh: Welcome to the #MeToo era

Drew Angerer/Getty Images

Welcome to the #MeToo era of Supreme Court justice confirmation.

Last Thursday, Senator Dianne Feinstein disclosed the existence of a secret letter, written by an anonymous woman alleging that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her when they were in high school in the 1980s.

Yesterday, there was a major twist in this story that everyone who follows Leftist strategy should've seen coming: the anonymous woman suddenly revealed herself to be Christine Ford, a 51-year-old research psychologist at Palo Alto University in Northern California. She's a registered Democrat and has donated to political organizations. But she pinky-swears that it has nothing to do with her coming forward with this story just one week before the Senate Judiciary Committee votes on Kavanaugh.

RELATED: THIS is the man plotting to stand in Brett Kavanaugh's way of the Supreme Court

Christine Ford spilled the exclusive beans to The Washington Post because they believe that "Democracy dies in darkness." And of course, if there's anything that Kavanaugh hopes to accomplish on the Supreme Court, it's murdering democracy.

Ford told The Post that during a high school party, a drunk Brett Kavanaugh pinned her on a bed, groped her, and covered her mouth to keep her from screaming.

She said:

I thought he might inadvertently kill me. He was trying to attack me and remove my clothing.

There is no indication that she reported such a harrowing attack to the police.

Kavanaugh unequivocally denies the accusations. The White House released a letter signed by 65 women who say they knew Kavanaugh in high school and vouch for his character. But it won't matter. The Democrats will get their circus this week and Kamala Harris and Cory "Spartacus" Booker will get their chance to remind everyone to vote for them for president in 2020 because only Democrats like women.

It's virtually impossible to prove or disprove her claim. But the political timing of the story drains its credibility.

Christine Ford might be telling the absolute truth about this incident with Kavanaugh. She might also be making up the whole thing for politics sake. Problem is, it's virtually impossible to prove or disprove her claim. But the political timing of the story drains its credibility. Kavanaugh was confirmed to the federal bench by the Senate in 2006. Where was Ford's dramatic story then?

Last year this worked to de-rail Roy Moore's senate campaign, so why not try the same tactic with Kavanaugh? Especially since it perfectly serves the Left's narrative that Kavanaugh plans to destroy women's rights.

Truth doesn't stand a chance when it's up against this kind of hysteria.

Unprecedented: You'll never believe who just snubbed Obama

JIM WATSON/AFP/Getty Images

Somewhere, in some dark newsroom, an age-old editor is levitating, eyes glowing like radioactive soil. Because an unprecedented event has taken place, right in front of our eyes, a puzzling miracle, something never before seen in journalism: The Associated Press criticized Barack Obama.

Yes, friends, you read that right. The AP guard has turned against their wizard leader. The army has mutinied against their commander... you get the point. The AP has always loved Obama, like they have a crush on him. It's more of an obsession, really.

RELATED: The AP's love affair with Antifa is partisanship cloaked as news

They've always stored up their animus and directed it at one person: President Trump—well, Trump and everyone around him—going so far as to mock First Lady Melania's hat on one occasion. They blatantly insulted her fashion and appearance, all the while championing social justice, immigration and women's rights, but that's another conversation for another day.

Even the article's title is salty: "AP FACT CHECK: Obama doesn't always tell the straight story." We'd all just gotten used to headlines like "AP FACT CHECK: Trump ruins America" or "AP FACT CHECK: Reality star embarrasses country again" or "AP FACT CHECK: Orange man bad."

Here's the opening line of the article:

Former President Barack Obama's recent denunciation of President Donald Trump's treatment of the press overlooks the aggressive steps the Justice Department took to keep information from the public during his administration. Obama also made a problematic claim that Republican "sabotage" has cost 3 million people their health insurance.

Then they break down all the lies Obama has committed. It's truly unbelievable.

OBAMA: "It shouldn't be Democratic or Republican to say that we don't threaten the freedom of the press because they say things or publish stories we don't like. I complained plenty about Fox News, but you never heard me threaten to shut them down or call them enemies of the people." — rally Friday at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign.

THE FACTS: Trump may use extraordinary rhetoric to undermine trust in the press, but Obama arguably went farther — using extraordinary actions to block the flow of information to the public.

Did they just say that Obama went farther than Trump? In undermining the press?

They actually said Obama's rhetoric to the press was worse than Trump's.

Overall, this is a great thing—a sign that the AP might even be regaining its ability to do actual journalism. But, man, it is still a shock. They actually said Obama's rhetoric to the press was worse than Trump's. Good heavens, this must be the last day on earth!

Although, I can say that it's not, because, if it were, the New York Times would be reporting all about it: "Trump causes apocalypse, is racist," endorsed by the whole editorial board, all foaming at the mouths like they're possessed by demons—or worse, deranged Antifa protestors who slept through their noon session of yoga.

By now, thanks to the incessant fear-mongering by Democrats, you're probably aware that American women will lose all their rights if Brett Kavanaugh becomes a Supreme Court justice. Technically, there's not any truth to that idea whatsoever of course, but it hasn't stopped the hysterics.

Now, this anti-Kavanaugh hysteria has inspired Democrats in Maine to get creative. Because one of their senators, sort-of-Republican Susan Collins, is considered a potential deciding vote in Kavanaugh's confirmation, they are threatening to donate $1 million to her 2020 Democratic opponent, unless Collins votes "no" on Kavanaugh.

RELATED: PROGRESSIVE PANIC: No, Kavanaugh is not 'a death sentence for thousands of women in the U.S.'

Using a crowd-funding site called Crowdpac, two groups called "Maine People's Alliance" and "Mainers for Accountable Leadership" posted a listing that says:

The people of Maine are asking you to be a hero, Senator Collins… If you fail to stand up for the people of Maine and for Americans across the country, every dollar donated to this campaign will go to your eventual Democratic opponent in 2020. We will get you out of office.

The project has already received pledges from 37,000 people, totaling over a million dollars. In a weird way, they're basically attempting to buy her vote. In some circles, this is known as bribery. Senator Collins released a statement calling it extortion, and then one of the groups behind this effort called her response, "politics at its worst."

The Maine groups' twist is that if Collins votes "no" on Kavanaugh, they supposedly won't collect the pledges from their 37,000 donors. But they're still using the pledged money to try to induce Collins to vote the way they want, they're just not offering the money directly to Collins like your typical, old-fashioned bribe.

Like many poorly conceived schemes in our social media age, Maine Democrats didn't really think this one through.

Like many poorly conceived schemes in our social media age, Maine Democrats didn't really think this one through. Because bribery is a federal crime. And just because this is a kind of hipster, inverse bribe, several legal experts think it's still technically a bribe.

Could these groups be shooting themselves in the foot with this strategy? What if, by trying to force Collins to vote no on Kavanaugh, they inadvertently cause her to vote yes, simply to avoid looking like she was influenced by their scare tactic?

And just when you thought politics couldn't get any weirder.

It's bad enough that bigoted scientists have assumed the gender of Hurricane Florence, now President Trump is stepping in to make the hurricane more powerful.

Remember a time when sentences like that one would be laughed at? Not anymore. Yes, a massive storm is about to make landfall on the East coast and The Washington Post is blaming President Trump for the hurricane. For a hurricane.

RELATED: Hurricane Florence is bearing down on the East Coast and YOU have to be the first responders

And this is not an op-ed. This is straight from the editorial board of the Washington Post.

"When it comes to extreme weather," they write, "Mr. Trump is complicit. He plays down humans' role in increasing the risks, and he continues to dismantle efforts to address those risks. It is hard to attribute any single weather event to climate change. But there is no reasonable doubt that humans are priming the Earth's systems to produce disasters."

Meanwhile, Obama is hailing angelic rainbows down from Heaven, LGBTQ only of course, and sheltering woke transgender infants from tornados in Nebraska. Linda Sarsour and Colin Kaepernick only need to wave their hands and earthquakes will stop.

The Washington Post editorial again:

With depressingly ironic timing, the Trump administration announced Tuesday a plan to roll back federal rules on methane, a potent greenhouse gas that is the main component in natural gas. Drillers and transporters of the fuel were supposed to be more careful about letting it waft into the atmosphere, which is nothing more than rank resource waste that also harms the environment. The Trump administration has now attacked all three pillars of President Barack Obama's climate-change plan.

The piece concludes:

The president has cemented the GOP's legacy as one of reaction and reality denial. Sadly, few in his party appear to care.

In other news, the Russians have meddled with a tsunami in Southeast Asia, which will have catastrophic effects on the mid-term elections here in America.