GLENN: Here's the speech that I think that is the only one that I want to hear from Eliot Spitzer, okay? The only one. I don't, I don't think there's anything else I need him to say other than I need him to say come out, you know, and you'll hear the flash of the cameras and everybody. "Ladies and gentlemen, just want you to know that I'm a dirtbag. I know it. I've known it for a very long time. I mean, I've been with hookers over and over again. I had a running tab with hookers. So I'm clearly a dirtbag. Now, I can come out here and tell you that, oh, I've got a problem. I've got a problem and I need help and I'm going to go into rehab, blotty, blotty, blotty, blotty. I'm not really convinced at this point I do have a problem because I'm only saying I have a problem now because my biggest problem is I got caught just a couple of weeks ago. It's not like I've been, you know, oh, this is five years in my past and I've cleaned this up. I was just with a hooker. You don't even know. I might have been with a hooker five -- all right, I was with a hooker in the hallway. I'm sorry, honey, to break it to you again, but I told you she was my aide. It was actually an AIDS conversation with my hooker. Sorry. Behind the podium -- you know what? Come on out, Tiffany. Come on out from underneath the podium. Here's another hooker. So I'm clearly a dirtbag and it doesn't matter really to me way say to you now because I got caught. Now, my wife, who for some strange, unknown reason, is still standing next to me. Honey, you went to Harvard, didn't you? Yeah, it was -- she went to Harvard. I have no idea why she's standing next to me. You know, maybe she should leave me; maybe she shouldn't leave me. I would tell you that it would matter to me if she stayed, but clearly it hasn't mattered to me because I've been with hookers. In fact, Rochelle, come on out from underneath the podium. All right, I had two hookers underneath the podium right now. And honey, I hate to break it to you. The guy that I was talking to before I had the AIDS talk with the other hooker in the hallway, he was also a hooker that I have been with and I'm only sharing him with Governor McGreevey, but that's a different -- that's a totally different story here. So whether she should leave me or not, I don't know. Don't really care. I've been with hookers. If she does leave me, it will make it easier for me to be with hookers. I won't feel so bad that I'm cheating on my wife. And I'll be able to spend time with hookers on Valentine's Day, not Valentine's Eve. But I digress. The other thing is you know it would really clean up my hooker schedule if I didn't have this pesky job thing. Now, because I put my family in danger, you know, I put my wife in danger by having -- what was it, Tameka, what was it we had in the memos in your testimony? Oh, yeah, yeah, that I wanted to have sex in an unsafe way. Now, I know a lot of you in the audience don't even know what that means. Maybe it means that I want to have sex without a condom but do I need to remind you I don't think that's that unsafe. She's a classy hooker. So only the nonclassy hookers would be riddled with disease. I mean, you know, maybe it's an unsafe way. You don't know. Maybe an unsafe way is, I wanted to do it at a high height, you know? Hey, this hotel, they've got those big armoire things, I like to do it up there. Maybe I want to do it on a wobbly chair, I don't know, while I'm driving a car. You know, hey, I don't know. An unsafe way. But might have put my wife's life in jeopardy because, again, disease. But Ralph Nader called and he said, Glenn, -- or what's this guy's name? I keep thinking. Eliot -- I don't know why I'm calling myself. Eliot, unsafe way, I just read about this. You weren't thinking about having sex in a Corvair, were you? I said, Ralph, hey, we both have the Progressive thing down, but no. The Corvair things, it's over. Let it go. So anyway, I not only put my family's life at stake but I also -- you know, let's be honest. New York maybe not the best state in the union but probably the biggest target in the state -- or in the union. You know it's -- I mean, I think we had a couple of buildings that I should have been working on. We got a couple of buildings that went down and so, you know, terrorists were after us and also we're the financial capital of the world currently. I think that seems to be melting down just a little bit and there seems to be a lot of corruption going on there and I put myself, by being with hookers, sweet hookers, expensive but sweet hookers, by being with hookers I not only put my wife in danger but I also put the State of New York in danger because I could have been blackmailed like that. And then you never know what I could have done because then I would be like a caged animal, whew, I'm a crazy man. You know what I mean?
I mean, if you can't trust a guy who's with hookers, who's also prosecuting hookers at the same time, who can you trust? You're right, America. No politician. That's why I'm leaving and I'm resigning today and I'm not going to write a book. I'm not going to be on television talking about my cure. I'm not going to eventually say, hey, I'd like to be a minister and if I do, it will be in a private setting. You're never going to hear from me again because I'm now completely irrelevant and I'm not going to try to inflict myself on you again. In fact, I mean, I may go to Wall Street sometime this afternoon and try to find, you know, an empty office of maybe somebody I prosecuted, you know, for something, that maybe I was doing at the same time. And I may find that empty window. Hopefully it will be a high office. I don't know. I'm so crazy, I might just throw myself out of that window today. But you know if I do, please don't report on it because I'm irrelevant. Good night, everybody. Here's your new blind governor.
You know that lieutenant governor is --
STU: Yeah, legally blind.
GLENN: Yeah, legally blind.
STU: I have much more confidence in him than I do of Eliot Spitzer.
GLENN: So do I. I think it's actually kind of great, blind leading the blind. Why not. Let's have a actual blind man lead the nonactual blind assemblymen. Why not. Put him in the statehouse. Hey, guys, you know what's ironic? He's actually blind but you act like it. It's incredible, isn't it? Oh. That's the only thing I want -- did I miss anything that he should say? That's the only thing I want him to say. You know what? And if he doesn't resign and if the people of New York don't force him to resign, don't demand his resignation, then you know who was right? McGreevey. Because McGreevey said, well, it's a game. I've never agreed with that. No, it was about security, it was about your ethics, it was about the way you treated your wife and your family. You put her in danger and you put the state in danger. Eliot Spitzer did the same thing.
STU: Yeah, but wait. First of all, McGreevey stepped down. It was like his decision.
GLENN: Yeah, but that's only because of mounting pressure. It took him a while.
STU: Yeah, mounting pressure on Spitzer, it was mounting pressure on Larry Craig. He doesn't step down. It's still up to the guy to step down unless they do something to throw you out.
GLENN: Impeach him. Throw him out. Come with pitchforks and torches. Run the guy out. It's time we get these people out of our life and we demand, I don't know, a slightly higher standard. I don't need to have a Pope or the priest run. I don't need a minister to be running the state. I would just like somebody, I don't know, who's not making it with hookers.