| Detroit mayor charged with perjury|
Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was charged with perjury and other offenses Monday — and got a stern lecture about the importance of telling the truth — after a trove of raunchy text messages contradicted his sworn denials of an affair with his chief aide.
GLENN: Now, here's the thing on the Detroit mayor and I don't believe I can -- oh, yeah. Okay, we can go with Michael Bublé or Barry White. I'm cool with either. I think we need the Detroit mayor music. In fact, I think that this -- I think Barry White, I think -- you know how we have, like, Hail to the Chief? I think that whenever any politician walks into a room, you should just hear this.
(Barry White music playing.)
GLENN: Maybe we can just make this the first lady's theme as long as Hillary wins.
The way, I mean, the new New York governor, I mean, not the one that was making it with the hookers but the new one.
STU: I hasn't admitted yet. He's setting records.
GLENN: No, no, the old mayor, the old governor was the one with the hookers.
STU: Right. I'm saying the new one I assume at some point will admit to being with hookers because he can't go through a three-hour period without admitting something new. This guy is on an admission tour.
GLENN: I hate blind people so --
STU: I hate this show today.
GLENN: Why do you hate blind people? Do you notice that, Dan?
GLENN: He just hates blind people. He doesn't know it's bad what he's doing. He can't read the newspaper. He's blind.
DAN: Blind people need hookers, too.
STU: I haven't made any comment about blind people at all. I'm just commenting about --
GLENN: That's what I'm hearing. Oh, it's just a coincidence that the new governor happens to be blind and you happen to be on this attack mode, just this hatred.
DAN: He's only been in like a week.
GLENN: I don't even know him. I do know that he's had multiple affairs on his wife and --
STU: This is what I'm talking about.
GLENN: She has -- quiet. I'm talking about the facts. Stop with your hate mongering.
So he's had plenty of, you know, affairs on his wife, but hey, to be fair his wife was cheating on him, too.
DAN: It's equality America.
GLENN: Why even come home. You know what I mean? Why even -- "Look, you're cheating on me, I'm cheating on you. Was it good? Because mine was rockin'." I mean, you guys shouldn't get pissed. "Look, we're just splitting the bills here. That's all we're doing. You know what I'm saying?" .
So anyway, apparently the splitting of the bill thing is good because he also announced yesterday that he's done cocaine, which makes for an even more rocking evening, huh? Of course, I wouldn't know that, but let me check with Swinger Stu. How many drugs were involved after the Bublé concert?
STU: No drugs were involved. Well, --
STU: Alcohol. I did have a couple of beverages.
GLENN: Loosen things up a bit?
STU: It was a casino.
GLENN: Set the mood? You don't drink, my friend.
STU: I occasionally have a drink.
GLENN: I think I've seen you drink one beer.
STU: I mean, I'm not a big drinker.
GLENN: What else did you have at the casino? Was it hard liquor or was it beer?
STU: It was a beer. I believe I had two or three.
GLENN: Two or three beers.
STU: And I'm a gigantic person. That doesn't do too much.
GLENN: That doesn't drink and is a vegetarian, which I've always questioned everything about you since I've heard that you were --
STU: Is this another baseless accusation coming up? Is that what it is?
GLENN: No, vegetarian fact. You can't trust vegetarians. Anything that won't knock the horns off an animal and eat it because they can, don't trust them.
STU: This is in-depth philosophy here.
GLENN: I'm just sayin'.
DAN: Sounds pretty rock solid to me, Glenn.
GLENN: Thank you very much, Dan. More Barry White music.
STU: Are you going for race?
GLENN: Yeah, race usually comes with the promotion. The reason why we're playing Barry White is because I think all politicians should have this as their theme. And then the Detroit mayor is in his own little scandal here. He is the son of the representative Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick. I don't know -- because it's not in quotation marks in The Wall Street Journal, "Cheeks." I'm not sure if you are a U.S. representative that you should have a, you know, a handle of Cheeks. And if it's not, if it's like your maiden name, you should probably just drop it.
STU: There's Maurice Cheeks, the basketball player. There's been people named Cheeks before. Maybe it's a middle name.
GLENN: U.S. representative Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick.
STU: Is it a middle name?
GLENN: May be her maiden name. I don't know. There's no hyphen. Cheeks, this is another reason why stop with the maiden name, keeping the -- stop it right now. One of you decide.
STU: A lot confuses you in the world.
GLENN: Nope, not a lot confuses me. I'm not confused on that one at all. Take his name or you, dope, take hers. Stop with the maiden name thing.
STU: It's a lot of words there for you, a lot of letters you have to pronounce. Gets real difficult.
GLENN: Somebody seems like they're confused. Not me.
STU: I'm just trying to help, Glenn. A lot of sill bells in there.
GLENN: I'm making perfect sense. I'm making sense. You know what it is.
STU: He's flustered.
GLENN: It's the confusion of, do I like guys, do I like women, do I like them both at the same time, that's what it is.
STU: So when you say you're confused, you're going to point out me as being confused as the example? That makes no sense at all.
GLENN: I'm not confused at all.
STU: You are confused.
GLENN: So anyway, Cheeks has a son. He becomes the mayor of Detroit. Now, even if Cheeks is your middle name or your maiden name and you've decided I'm proud of that, I think once your son starts doing the things that he was doing, you need to lose Cheeks. Maybe it's just me. So I need a little more Barry White, please. Thank you.
GLENN: This is the same one. Or is it like Air Supply? They just all sound alike.
DAN: I thought we decided this is the theme.
GLENN: This is the theme, good. So then what happens is police are investigating something, I don't know, and he tries to get them to stop investigating and so they said, well, but wait a minute, hang on just a second. Why would we stop investigating? And he fires them. So the police sue. And while he's testifying, they say, are you having an affair with so-and-so? And he says no. So-and-so gets on the stand, she says no. Well, unfortunately for the mayor they have some text messages. I love this one. "Can I come up and just lay down in your room until you get back?" Puhleez. Look, let's just cuddle. We won't do anything." I mean, what kind of 12-year-old question is that? "Let's just take our clothes off and cuddle. Nothing will happen. Let me just hold you. I'm just really sleepy. Could I just stay in your room until you get back? . I'm madly in love with you" is one text message. I've been feeling this way about you a long time. In case you haven't noticed, I'm madly in love with you, too, relaxing, laughing, talking, sleeping and making love."
So they find these text messages. They say, hello, perjury. "But I was just lying about sex. I learned this in the Nineties. You can lie about personal matters as long as it's sex and no big deal, right?" No, unless you're a Clinton. And then we change the rules, for everything. But here's the best part of the story. Do you know what the police were investigating that he tried to shut them down on? Any idea? Dan, any ideas? Do you know what that is? It's just kind of missed in the media.
DAN: No idea. I just knew about the 14,000 texts.
GLENN: Stu, you heard about the text messages.
STU: Sure did.
GLENN: Do you know what they were investigating?
STU: I don't know what they were investigating.
GLENN: Swingers. No, what they were investigating was a murder, alleged murder of a stripper. The stripper was actually, had told her 14-year-old son that she had been at a stripper's party at the mayor's mansion in Detroit.
STU: I know I would tell my son if that if I were --
GLENN: I know. Well, you know, 14-year-old boys like strippers, I guess. So apparently she was murdered and she said that she had been assaulted by the mayor's wife when the mayor showed up unexpectedly -- I'm sorry, the mayor's wife showed up unexpectedly and didn't know that he was having strippers over to the house and she abused this stripper. So they were investigating the murder. And that's what he shut them down on. By the way, the DA said the mayor wasn't involved and all but now in light of all of the other things, they think they might take a second look at the stripper's death. Just saying. Might be a good idea.