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GLENN: I don't know if we're ready today.
STU: I understand. You said that I have something here and I want to --
GLENN: Are we ready, Joe? Are we ready?
STU: You don't need to be ready.
GLENN: Yeah, we do.
STU: No, you don't. I'm filing.
GLENN: You are filing what?
STU: A motion to dismiss. I'm filing a motion to dismiss.
GLENN: The swinger trial, are we ready for the swinger trial, Joe?
STU: I have a motion to dismiss.
GLENN: Are we ready on the prosecution side?
JOE: (Inaudible). -- forward at this last minute with this motion to dismiss.
STU: Last minute? When was I supposed to come out with it?
JOE: I know Stu doesn't like to follow the norms of society. He just can't take the approach this is some --
STU: What is this anyway? Why is Joe Kerry here?
GLENN: Joe is an attorney.
STU: You have an attorney?
GLENN: Of course. This is a trial. I'm the judge.
STU: How can you be the judge? You are the accuser.
GLENN: No, I'm not. The accuser has yet to be named. Oh, we've got witnesses, don't we, Joe?
JOE: We have lots of witnesses.
GLENN: We even have a star witness, uh-huh.
STU: Well, he, she, whoever it is.
GLENN: Has one -- is one still threatening to plead the Fifth?
JOE: Yes, that witness is. But we're still working with that particular witness.
STU: It's not going to matter what your witnesses think. We're going to dismiss this case today.
GLENN: Really? Okay. Go ahead.
STU: Motion to dismiss.
GLENN: Go ahead. Present your motion.
STU: Well, I mean, I'm allowed to actually have my voice because I'm doubting. I was doubting whether you were going to --
GLENN: This is fair. Joe, is this fair?
JOE: If you want fair, you would be denying the motion. You wouldn't even begin Stu the opportunity to talk.
GLENN: No, go ahead. We want to be fair. We want to prove that you are a swinger and we will do that in a fair way.
STU: Can we pull that audio?
GLENN: We will do that in a fair way, will we not?
STU: Well, the basis of this argument is simple. Mr. Beck has been trying to paint me as a swinger, which is obviously ridiculous, and it's -- the truth is you are simply an elitist that doesn't understand what it's like to have a salary with only one comma in it. And you -- what you have, of course, not even taken into account, and you didn't ask about was the fact that the hotel that I was staying in is one of the most expensive in New Jersey. Yes, I did share it with someone but that's a legitimate financial decision.
GLENN: Stu.
STU: To make it --
GLENN: Stu, question from the bench.
STU: Am I going to get interrupted every time?
GLENN: On this one. Most of the most expensive in New Jersey?
STU: Yes.
GLENN: Could I, Glenn Beck, hit a neighborhood of blight with a baseball from this hotel? If I were on the roof with a baseball, could I throw it --
STU: Objection, relevancy. What does that have to do? We know the price. You are arguing it should be lower? It doesn't matter if it should be lower. It isn't lower.
GLENN: I'm just saying it's all relative. The most expensive in New Jersey.
STU: New Jersey's one of the most expensive states in the union.
GLENN: It's the most expensive in New Jersey.
STU: I'm glad to see the facts are out the window since New Jersey is one of the most expensive states in the union.
GLENN: I already made my ruling. I already made my ruling.
STU: I was also not -- which is not at all accounted for is there was a required two-night minimum for this week even. So Mr. Beck would have the jury believe that I should not only have wasted hundreds of dollars of a hotel room that I would only sleep in for five hours.
GLENN: Why are you only paying for a hotel room by the hour now?
STU: That's not what I was saying.
GLENN: You were staying for five hours --
[ OVERLAPPING SPEAKERS ]
GLENN: Excuse me. You are out of order. Are you trying to convince this court that you just said that you were only going to stay there for five hours.
STU: No, I didn't say that. I have a transcript right here. The hotel room that I would be sleeping in for five hours.
GLENN: Okay. So you want -- would you like to rent it if you could rent it for five hours or six hours? If they were offering you --
STU: Objection, relevancy.
GLENN: If they were offering you an hourly -- overruled.
STU: How are you overrule? You are the one arguing.
GLENN: I'm the judge. If they could offer you an hourly rate, you're telling me you wouldn't have taken it?
STU: Yes, I would not have taken that. Not interested in an hourly rate.
GLENN: He is lying. It will not be --
STU: Oh, thank you, jury. The judge has said I'm lying. So well said. I'm just letting them know.
GLENN: This is a motion just to hear your --
STU: I want it on the court record.
DAN: Your Honor, may I approach the bench?
STU: No, not in the middle of my motion.
DAN: I have a question, your Honor. I would like to know why the defendant here had to stay at this hotel. There are lots of other hotels in this area that are a lot --
[ OVERLAPPING SPEAKERS ]
GLENN: There's a crackhouse across the street.
STU: Oh, so I should have walked through the crackhouse to get to the hotel. That's perfect.
GLENN: You should have stayed at the crackhouse if you were that poor.
JOE: Your Honor, I did some preliminary research for this and --
STU: Why am I being interrupted?
GLENN: Excuse me.
JOE: It turns out that not only did Mr. Burguiere choose the most expensive hotel to stay.
STU: As I said, part of my defense.
JOE: But there are over 75 other hotels and motels in Atlantic City, many of which are right in the neighborhood Stu decided to stay.
STU: Really?
JOE: Absolutely.
STU: What do you mean by the same neighborhood? The same state, the same city? Because as we just discussed there is blight apparently too close to Glenn for this hotel.
GLENN: If he will shut his pie hole. Go ahead.
STU: Based on the assumption that because myself and my wife shared a hotel room, we must have shared sex together. This basis of the theory, of course, is based on the fact that Mr. Beck has no self-control. On national radio he has repeatedly admitted that he would not hire a hot nanny because he feared he might not be able to control himself. It's also a good thing that he doesn't risk that because on national television he's asked several attractive females for nude pictures of themselves and has repeatedly sexually propositioned respected news person and married mother of a small child Erica Hill according to many respected news outlets or liberal blogs. So this behavior has grown to be expected for Beck --
GLENN: Excuse me, excuse me. Next point. I'm going to -- this will not be allowed to be entered in evidence as, "Have you seen the hot nanny"? I mean really?
STU: This is exactly what I'm talking about.
GLENN: See what I'm saying? And the other part of it is you're quoting moveon.org. Move on.
STU: I don't know what you're talking about. Okay. Well, if sharing living quarters is a crime, we should point out that Glenn Beck himself actually lived with the other accuser in this scenario, Dan Andros, for several months. In fact, they liked living in the same house so much, Andros then later moved into Beck's house up in Pennsylvania. In fact, the gall of Dan Andros to accuse Mr. Burguiere of anything shady for sharing a room is laughable. Records show Andros shared a room with another unidentified man for over a decade -- let me say this.
GLENN: Mr. Burguiere, Mr. Burguiere.
STU: In fact, the same bed --
[ OVERLAPPING SPEAKERS ]
GLENN: Mr. Burguiere.
STU: No, not the gavel.
GLENN: I will not ask you again.
STU: All right. Well, let me just --
GLENN: No. I will not ask you again. How many square feet was the hotel room that you were in?
STU: I do not have a blueprint of the --
GLENN: How many square feet approximately was the room that you, your wife, and the third swinger were in?
STU: It was much bigger than one bed which is what Dan Andros shared not only once but repeatedly, a repeated --
GLENN: Mr. Burguiere.
STU: Slander. The same bed --
GLENN: Mr. Burguiere.
STU: Notice a bunk bed in his circles.
GLENN: Your motion has been denied.
STU: I have more.
GLENN: It's too bad. You blew your chance. Motion --
STU: You were interrupting the entire time.
GLENN: Motion denied. Tomorrow, the trial of the century. Stu, Steve Burguiere, swinger... or swinger.