GLENN: You know, I can't -- you know, we were talking earlier today that the -- this green bubble is going to burst because that's exactly what it is. It's gotten too hot, too fast, and we know that it's bogus. The American people know this is about money and product placement. It's horrible. This is really going to be bad. If you really care about the planet, you've got to get off this green bandwagon and tell these companies, whoa, whoa, whoa, because they're all jumping in, they're all making money off it. You've got to tell people like Al Gore, debate with the other side. You don't want to take on your weakest argument. They will take on people like me: Glenn Beck, he's just (mumbling). Don't take me on. That's a strawman argument. Take on the real scientists and do it in public and debate them and do it without any, "Well, you're just a Nazi. You're a Holocaust denier," without any of that stuff. You win the argument, you know, if science would back you up, if you actually had facts and figures that worked, you would win the argument. You don't do it because you know you can't win. And Americans, they know -- I mean, especially this Earth Day, you know. Oh, everybody is with the green little logos in the corner. Would you stop it, please? Please stop it.
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Let me just give you some of the predictions from scientists in the last 35, 30 years. Scientists and environmentalists, okay? Here they are. Civilization will end within 15 or 30 years unless immediate action is taken against the problems we're facing as mankind. Biologist George Wald, Harvard. Yeah, made that statement in 1970. So... I didn't know we were all dead by 1985. Oh, yeah, we all died in 2000.
"By 1995 somewhere between 75 and 85% of all species of living animals will be extinct." Wow. That came from a senator, Senator Gaylord Nelson. Like Senator Al Gore. No, he's bigger than the senator. He's vice president, a Nobel Prize winner.
"Because of increased dust, cloud cover and water vapor, the planet will cool. The water vapor will fall and freeze and a new ice age will be born," Newsweek magazine. "The world will be 11 degrees colder in the year 2000. That's twice what it would take to put us in an ice age." That's good. "By 1985 air pollution will have reduced the amount of sunlight reaching Earth by 1/2." Wow. By 1985. That would have been sweet, huh? Especially now with this global warming. Wouldn't it be convenient if we only got 1/2 the sunlight? "Air pollution is certainly going to take hundreds of thousands of lives in the next few years alone," biologist Paul Erlich. By the way, he also -- that was 1970. In 1973 he also went on to say 200,000 Americans would die from air pollution and that by 1980 the life expectancy of Americans would be 42 years. I've been dead for three. So, sucks to be me.
Meanwhile all they do is just make everything worse. Meanwhile they just create more problems and a new bubble. You mark my words. It will be the green bubble. While they predict -- I mean, those things sound crazy, but now global warming has been -- Dan, I need something, some sort of green song. Do we have anything, you know, anything -- what's the greenest group we have? Do we have any -- oh, do we have that rinse, repeat, recycle, whatever that thing is from Jack Johnson? I love that song. We have that? Because I've got a list now of all the things that global warming, these are new. This is old -- this is not 1970. This is the new stuff. All the things that global warming cause. You ready? Here we go.
Acne, African aid threatened, Alaska reshaped, American dream end, amphibians breeding earlier and then not breeding at all, anxiety, asthma, attack of the killer jellyfish, avalanches reduced, avalanches increased, Baghdad snow, bananas destroyed, bananas grow, beetle infestation, better beer, no beer, blue tongue, boredom, bridge collapse in Minneapolis, brothels struggle. By the way, I just want to point out these are actual -- there are stories attached to each of these that because of global warming brothels may struggle. That may make me for global warming but then I see the next one, the bubonic plague. Buddhist Temple threatened, bridge collapse, camel deaths, cancer deaths in England, cardiac arrest, cave paintings are threatened, childhood insomnia. Yeah, because they are watching all these stupid shows on TV saying, you're all going to die. Cholera, circumcision in decline. I was trying to figure that one out. It is so hot. If I just had a little extra shaved from a little extra -- I mean, what is, I don't -- how is that... civil unrest, cockroach migration. Oh, I told you we needed the fence. Coffee threatened, cold spells, cold wave, Cougar attacks, crocodile sex.
GLENN: I've only been to a Bublé concert a few times. I didn't know if this was code. Crocodile sex.
STU: I don't think that's code. I think that's the mating habits of crocodiles.
GLENN: Causing more or less?
STU: I don't have that answer right now but I can look into it.
GLENN: Crumbling roads, bridges and sewage system, Darfur, hemorrhagic fever, which is the Ebola, dermatitis, diarrhea, early marriages. Is this like that FLDS thing? Is that what that is?
STU: I don't think so.
GLENN: They are going to start marrying at 13? What does that mean? Here's one of my favorites: Earth lopsided, Earth spins faster, Earth to explode. Again these are all -- these are real stories. Earth to explode, Earth upside down. From whose perspective? I mean, I know people who go to China and they don't come back and they are like, my head hurts, man. All the blood was rushing to my head for a week! I was upside down! What are they even talking about? By the way, I'm only at the E's. We'll finish the alphabet in a second.
GLENN: Okay. So we're in the E's on all of the things that have been blamed on global warming. These are all -- Stu, is there any way that -- do we have the links to all of these stories?
STU: Yeah, we can put it in the newsletter today.
GLENN: We've got to put it in the newsletter. These are all the things that are -- that global warming has been blamed for, with the links to the story.
STU: I will say, though, this list is abridged. Actually we had to take a lot out because we were --
GLENN: You are kidding me.
STU: Yes, I swear there's a lot that we actually had to take out of this.
GLENN: Okay, we were at Earth lopsided, Earth spins faster, Earth to explode, Earth upside down. Again whose perspective. Earthquakes, equality threatened. Oh, there's one that Obama should get on. Evolution accelerating. That would be good, wouldn't it? I mean, evolution into things get better. We were monkeys. Soon we could be the giraffe with batwings. Wouldn't that be great? Fading fall foliage. I'm not kidding you, blamed on global warming, fashion disaster. I missed that in An Inconvenient Truth. My goodness, the fashions will be out of control! Flesh-eating disease, food poisoning, food prices rise. Oh, they're right! Foot path erosion. Boy, that one pisses me off. Fungi invasion. I hope our Navy, I hope our Navy SEALs are prepared and Homeland Security is ready for that fungi invasion. Garden of Eden wilts. I would like the story of where we found it. Giant squid migrate. Not kidding you, an actual story, gingerbread houses collapse. From global warming! Golf masters wrecked. Gray whales lose weight. That's good because they're fat as a whale. Heart attacks and strokes. Hibernation ends too soon. Hibernation ends too late. Homeless, 50 million. Human develop faces unprecedented reversal. Human race oblivion. Hurricane reduction. Hurricanes increase. Infrastructure failure, infectious diseases, inflation in China, insect explosion, insurance premium rises, invasion of cats. Holy cow. I wonder who gets here first and who wins. Is it going to be the fungi? If the fungi get here first and they beat us, then the cats come in, will the cats know that the fungi is here? Will it be a sneak attack? Would the fungi allow a wooden horse filled with cats inside the walls? Invasion of herons, invasion of jellyfish. That's not invasion of midgets.
STU: I don't know. It's invasion of midges.
GLENN: I thought it was midget.
STU: Just another invasion.
GLENN: Islands sinking, itchier poison ivy. Oh, I hate when that happens. Jellyfish explosion, kitten boom, krill decline, lake shrinking and blowing, lawyers income increased, lightning related, insurance claims, Loch Ness monster finally dead. That one, did we ever get a chance to do that story? I love that story. Dead serious. Nessy has now been pronounced dead. We'll never know what happened to her. We'll never, ever know for sure if Nessy were real because now she's dead. Global warming.
Lyme disease, malaria, malnutrition. Malaria, oh, the audacity to hope that they could ever tell the truth on malaria. Mammoth dung melt. I hate when that happens. Maple syrup shortage, micrometers, melanoma, methane burps, monkeys on the move, mountains taller. Well, that would be nice. New islands, NFL threatened, ocean waves speed up, opera house destroyed. Again I'm thinking I'm for global warming. Outdoor hockey threatened, oyster diseases, plankton blooms, plankton destabilized, plankton loss, plant viruses, polar bears aggressive, polar bears cannibalistic, polar bears starved, porpoise stray, railroad tracks deformed, rape wave. That doesn't sound good. Release of ancient frozen viruses. You've got to be kidding me. The viruses that have been trapped in the polar ice shelf are going to be released. Ahhhhhh! And the fungi are going to kill us, too! Rioting and nuclear war, rivers dry up, river flow impacted, rivers raised, ruins ruined. That's an actual headline: The ruins ruined. Damn, don't you hate the thing that was just ruined was ruined again? It's kind of like throwing salt on an open wound, insult to injury. They've ruined the ruins!
Salinity reduction, increased salmonella, salmon stronger. Salmon stronger? What do you mean salmon stronger? What, is there like a weight lifting thing with salmon? They are out with their little fins and they are with -- what, they can swim upriver. What else can they do? What do you mean they're stronger? They're fighting back? They are like, yeah, come on and get me, jack! What is a salmon stronger? Sex change. Stu, you need to explain the global warming sex change story. Do you know it offhand?
STU: Off the top of my head I don't but I will find out.
GLENN: Sheep shrink, short-nose dogs endangered, shrimp sex problems, ski resorts threatened, slow deaths, smaller brains, snowfall increase, snowfall reduction, soaring food prices, societal collapse, song birds change eating habits. Song bird (gunfire). Sour grapes, spiders invade Scotland. Oh, no. Quid squid population explosion, spectacular orchids. That one sounds kind of good. Street crime to increase, suicide, that bass co- tragedy, tech tonic plate movement, teenage drink -- teenage drinking? Stu, can you look that one up for me as well?
STU: You have a lot I'm going through here. I've already got the sex change one.
GLENN: What's the sex change one?
STU: Apparently got warm a long time ago, may have changed the sex change in an animal in the prehistoric times. If it continues getting warmer, we could have too many mails continuing each individual species.
GLENN: But if we continue circumcision which, of course, cools the body.
STU: That's not --
GLENN: Apparently I think that's -- if circumcision is in decline because of global warming, it must be -- no, it must mean -- well, I don't know what it means, but I'm glad I'll be changing from a male or my wife will be turning to a male. I don't know.