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GLENN: You know what, I've got a problem -- just a sidebar here, your Honor. I'm really torn on this story because what a crappy designer God was with horses. I mean, what happened to evolution here? The horse didn't grow thicker ankles? He's a horse! He's got like a -- it's like a car on Popsicle sticks. What kind of -- I don't believe in evolution. Look at the horse! If evolution existed, you know what horses would look like -- you know what? In fact, stop with the breed -- have you seen that they're breeding pigs and people? I don't think I need a pig person. I don't need it. I don't need half human/half pig. I don't know why we're breeding them, I don't know why we're mixing the DNA in the pigs and the people. I think that's a really bad idea. Now, you want to mix people and an animal? Horses and Hillary Clinton. "Give a horse a chance. Give a horse Hillary's ankles." What's wrong with us, pigs and people! Horses and Hillary! I mean, horses need cankles. They have got a serious cankleage problem. There's a serious cankle shortage in horses and I think we need to -- okay. How about this? Can't we just make a cart for the horse? Can't we -- I mean, how about -- we kill the horse? You can't live without the two front? How about we cut off all the legs? I'm being -- I know this sounds harsh but how about we cut off all the legs? I mean, not all the way. We cut them to the knees and we, like, glue hooves to their -- this can be done, to their knees so they don't have, you know -- look, I told you in the -- I'm not -- I'm not a vet, but I'm a thinker. I don't know, but I don't think shooting them is the right thing. I mean, is the billionaires that had these horses, I'm just -- I mean, don't you think that they owe it to the horse to be like, "Oh, you were a good horse until you broke your ankles; I'm going to sit you down if a big pile of horse, have you look at a hot horse over here. I might milk you from time to time, you know what I'm saying, but I think you like that. Here, have some more LSD." I think the owners owe it to them. Don't you think it's at least worth a try? "Oh, Glenn, horses want to run. They want to be free. The horse wouldn't enjoy life at all if he couldn't run around." Really? You really think you enjoy some guy wearing a dopey outfit jumping on him and saying run faster, run faster, run faster, run fast until he breaks his ankles because got didn't think, "Oh, no, Hillary's the only one with fat legs, she needs those. Next time I see Hillary Clinton running around a racetrack in her bare feet coming out of the gate, yeah, then I'll thing she needs those cankles. In the meantime, give them the horses. And I don't understand how they can break -- again, it's not like we're running them on asphalt. They're running in the dirt. From the makers of your weak ankles comes the track. It's a dirt track made by God, and they even, like, make sure all the rocks are out of it. God didn't even do that. We had to invent a tractor to make sure there was nothing in your path. And like you like to run. Horses like to run. Every time they run on something where we raked it so no rocks are there, nothing can hurt them and cause a booboo, they break their ankles. And every time I see a horse at a farm in a giant field, you know what they're doing? They are just standing there eating. They are not running around. I never see them running around. They are just eating. They look up at you like, "Wouldn't you like to be me right now?" No, because I'd have to stand and eat all the time. Can't I just sit down? I think I would have to stand and sleep. I don't want to sleep standing up. What a nightmare that would be. Oh, he's worrying about you are going to fall over? It's a bad -- that's a bad life. I think if I had to sleep standing up and eat -- I mean, and eat standing up? I think I would want my legs amputated. Just take you down to the butt so I can just sit here. I'm closer to the ground.
News flash to horse racing fans. I don't think the horses really want to run around for you, for entertainment. I'm just -- I mean, I think horses are nice animals that just want to help out. They have been screwed by the car. That's what it is. Now horses are going, "We were so popular. Everybody loved us. I mean, what happened? I mean, now, you know, oh, you got your new shiny new love machine, yeah. I mean, we used to be able to crap in the streets, they would take us places, we would be with the family. Now they just put us out to pasture and shoot us when we can't run fast enough."
I blame Ford. That's who I blame. The Depression rates for horses must be outrageous. I mean, they were for centuries carrying us around. Everywhere we wanted to go: Hey, horse. And then we would give them a nice brushdown at the end of the day. Then we invented the car. That's really when it went south for the horse, it is. That's it. I mean, we're like, hmmm, you're great and everything, but you've got one horsepower. You know what I'm saying? So how do we repay them for the centuries of work? Run faster. You're in second? We put you down. "That's sidebar, your Honor." That's probably the best thing about the horse race this weekend. If you had your kids there, you could teach them a lesson. "That's what happens to kids who are in second place." Yeah, now how much do you want to succeed? "Daddy, we'll do that to you, too." "What was your test score again? I'm looking forward to your report card, son." I think we need to come up with a better system for the horse. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's universal horse care. I don't know. I don't know how many of these horses have insurance. You know what I think it is? I think that a horse vet, I think once they are really good at being a horse vet because all they do is they're like, "Yeah, got to put them down." What? "Yeah, nothing we can do." "He lost a tooth." "Got to shoot him in the head." I think -- you know what? I think the really good horse veterinarians, I think when they leave that, they immediately go to work behind the genius counter at Apple because that's who those people are. They're horse vets. You bring in your computer and you're like, "The letter C keeps sticking." "Let me just listen to it here." Then they put their ear up to it like they're like, like the computer's like, "Help me, help me, I'm broken over here." They put it up to their ear. "Yep, got to put it down." "Really? You can't fix it?" "Nope. Got to shoot it. Need a new one." "Didn't I see you at the derby?" "Don't know what you're talking about."
You know what we should do? I think we should come up with a -- you know those stupid segways that only geeks have? Seriously, I mean, I didn't want to break it to Michael Bublé but I saw him backstage a couple of weeks ago and he had a segway. Now, that's cool because you are only bringing it back, you know, backstage but don't ever be seen in public, Michael, on a segway. It makes you a geek. It does. I think the seg -- because they have got to be piled up around somewhere. Who knows. I mean, mall security. You want to look like a guy from mall security, get yourself a segway. Congratulations, you're a loser. I think that all the extra segways that are sitting on some lot somewhere, I don't even know, are they -- you know, are they -- I don't even know where you buy them but they are sitting on some lot some place just being rained on all the time. I say we take them and we strap them to the legs of horses. You break your ankle, great, we give you LSD and strap a couple of segways to you and you're set. Now you can run/roll wherever you want. You'll never fall down. It will be great for them sleeping. It's got that gyroscope thing in it so you never fall down. It's fantastic for horses. I mean, this is the home of capitalism, jeez, for the love of Pete we can't -- I mean, we can't come up with something? Have I thought about this too much this weekend? It was a slow weekend at my house. Maybe it's just me.