When Rolling Stone called Glenn's television show, "...one of the weirdest news programs in American history" we thought we'd reached the pinnacle of creative insults. But man were we wrong! Fiction author/legend Stephen King, not only beat Rolling Stone's comment, but he possessed it with demons, lit it on fire and cut off its head. In January 2007, King used his Entertainment Weekly column to call Glenn, "Satan's mentally challenged younger brother" a remark that set a new benchmark for public insult. Now you can commemorate and share that insult by buying this new t-shirt, featuring an artist's rendering of what Glenn would look like if it were true. It's not often that Glenn is insulted with such creative venom by an American legend -- don't miss your chance to spend money on it.
GLENN: One of the jobs that apparently you just can't do, Americans just won't do or Americans just won't, you know, shouldn't do because it's just a job for stupid people, apparently our troops have gone from heroes, some of the most amazing people I've ever met, to just, they are just illiterate, they are just stupid. There are two Americans. There are two Americas. There's the elitist America that hates this country, that hates capitalism, that so looks down their nose at the rest of us and then there are those of us who don't even care what those boobs say. "Just get out of my way, will you? I'm busy creating something over here." There's a people who are actually doing it every day. We're living it every day. And then there's people like Stephen King. This is actual audio from the Library of Congress yesterday. Listen to this.
KING: Reading -- I don't want to sound like an ad, a public service ad on TV but the fact is that if you can read, you can walk into a job later on. If you don't, then you got the army, Iraq, I don't know, something like that. It's not as bright. So that's my little commercial for that.
[ APPLAUSE ]
GLENN: Stop. You've got to be kidding me. I admire the people in our military. I've yet to meet a dummy in our military. By the way, that's taking down two of my family members. One in the army, one in the Navy. Thank you. Thank you for telling them that they're stupid. I'm sorry that they can write, you know, 1500 page novels about somebody killing somebody with a butcher knife. Sorry. Have you read the end of it, Stephen King? Please. A giant spider? It's a giant spider? Don't tell me I'm stupid, please.
GLENN: I'm just calling Marcus Luttrell because Stephen King said, you know, you're really stupid, you might end up in the army. He didn't say the Navy SEALs. Marcus Luttrell, the author of Lone Survivor.
CALLER: Hey, this is Marcus, can't get to the phone right now, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.
GLENN: Marcus, I don't know if you heard about the comment from Stephen King, but I wanted to talk to you about it. I know I'm speaking slowly, but you apparently are a slow learner. So call me. That's something to do on the telephone, tele-phone. You don't have to worry about spelling it, but when you look at your telephone, just ask somebody to point it out to you. Push the 1 button and then 888, that looks like a snake eating itself, 888, that's three 8s, but I don't want to use you, just push the 8 button three times. I'm sorry. I keep saying 3. Forget about the 3. It's just a 1. And then you push 888. Don't worry about how many times. Just do it like that, 888. And then 7 -- that's right next to the 8, the 2 -- right next to the 1 -- then back to the 7, which is the second seven. You can remember that because of the 2, but that might be a little too complex for somebody like you. And then Beck. Forget about it. I know you wrote that number one best seller but you probably don't know how to spell. So just, I'll call you later, Marcus. Thanks. If you hear a ringing, just pick it up. Not the whole phone, just the hand part. No, don't pick up the whole phone -- are you there? Maybe you are there just listening but you don't know. Marcus, this voice is Glenn. I'm not in this little box there on your table. I'm actually calling from another state and I'm just calling, just -- I'll see you in a couple of weeks, Marcus. I mean, I don't even know. I mean, he'll never understand that. He won't know what to do. He is probably standing in his kitchen right now going, duh, duh, I don't know -- because as Stephen King said, you know, you're going to be a dummy if you get into the army.
STU: You know, it actually crossed my mind for a second as you were doing that, maybe you should just e-mail him. Can you imagine a soldier answering e-mail? He can't read, he doesn't know about computers. How would you even know how to plug in a computer?
GLENN: Because you're a soldier. I mean, oh. It's a good thing that we have Stephen King around, isn't it, and John Kerry? And all of these people that are smarter than us? How long -- Stu, how long will it be before someone in the New York Times writes that Barack Obama is just too smart for the average American?
GLENN: They don't understand him.
STU: If he doesn't succeed, that will clearly be the cause.
GLENN: It will be. He's just too far ahead of us slowpokes. He's just, he's too enlightened, he's too smart, he's too nonracist for all of us dumb, backward racists.
STU: Especially if he gets beaten by that soldier John McCain who can't even read.
GLENN: I don't think John McCain can read. He's a dummy, you know.
STU: Stephen King said so. He wrote Pet Cemetery.
GLENN: Did you read Pet -- well, I didn't read Pet Cemetery because I can't read, but I saw the movie and it was pretty good. And isn't he the guy who wrote that other really good book about the car that drives itself?
STU: The killer car?
GLENN: Yeah, it was almost like Kit and Night Rider? Wow, that was a great show.
STU: But a really mean Kit and Night Rider.
GLENN: Night Rider was like upstairs/downstairs for us dummies.