GLENN: I went out and bought a tree this weekend. Why does that always sound like fun? You know like every, like every year you are like, "Yeah, hey, this weekend let's go buy a tree." And then you do. And it's not fun.
PAT: You didn't have fun?
PAT: Saturday, buying the tree?
PAT: Why? What was not fun about it?
GLENN: The whole thing. From getting in the car.
GLENN: From getting in the car.
PAT: Really? Huh.
GLENN: To the kids, you know, crying to then going out in the snow and the rain and the cold.
PAT: The rain was obnoxious Saturday.
GLENN: Yes. And then picking out a tree and not a single soul agreeing on the same tree.
PAT: Yes, okay, uh huh.
GLENN: And then trying to tie it to the roof of my car. I'm not a Boy Scout.
PAT: Yeah. I don't like that part, either.
GLENN: So don't and then I'm really not a guy who likes chainsaws, tree sap, screaming kids.
PAT: So surprise. You don't like tree sap?
GLENN: No, uh uh, no.
GLENN: And my hands have been sticky ever since.
GLENN: And then, you know, then I've got to go cut it off the roof, haul it, you know, haul it in and then as soon as I open the door, "Well, don't just bring it in. Make sure it dries up." Oh, I'll go get a towel for it.
PAT: Oh, yeah, uh huh.
GLENN: And then
PAT: I got to
GLENN: Dragging it in and putting it in the tree it's crooked. Too crooked. Turn it around the other way. No, it's better the other way. Turn it around that way. No, now there's a bare spot. I don't like this tree. Oh, really? You don't like this tree, huh?
PAT: She was with you.
PAT: I had the same problem because my wife wasn't with me but here's what she said as I left the house. Because I had to stand out in the cold for three hours with my Boy Scout sons who were selling trees.
GLENN: Yeah. Pat calls me Saturday afternoon or Saturday morning because I'm you know, I'm going to go buy a tree that weekend because last weekend it sounded like a good idea. Hey, let's go buy a tree on Saturday. Okay, that sounds like fun. Hey, kids, let's go buy a tree. Daddy's dumb as a box of rocks and I can't remember last year, when we went and bought a tree and hated it! So I said, "Hey, let's go over." And I conveniently forgot on Saturday, but I want to thank my good friend Pat for calling me in the rain and the snow.
PAT: Happy to do it. Happy to do it. You better get down here and get a tree because they are going fast.
GLENN: They are going fast.
PAT: That's what I told you.
GLENN: They weren't going fast.
PAT: They were going kind of fast. I was just miserable and I wanted a little company.
GLENN: You wanted company.
PAT: Yeah. Yeah. Well, when I left the house, she's like, pick one out if they're okay. Just go ahead and bring one home. Okay. So I pick one out and I bring it home. Pick out the fullest, and I get home and I hear, that's not a good one.
GLENN: That's not a good tree.
PAT: "I said if it was a good one!" "What's wrong with it?" "It's crooked on top!" "I'll fix that. We'll just put some a magazine under the stand." "That won't work. It's crooked only at the top and straight at the bottom. This isn't a good one." I said only "it's not big enough." I'm like, "I spent 80 bucks on it." "80 bucks!?" "Yeah. I mean, big deal." "80 bucks! You spent $80 on that?" "Yeah." "How much was the tree stand?" "$40." "$40!?" "Yeah. And then I got some tree lights." "Tree lights? How much was that?" "Whole thing, $150." "$150!?" Yes, I know, we're going to be poor and destitute and out in the street now because of it. Oh, I went through just misery on Saturday night.
GLENN: It's awful. Just awful. Merry Christmas!
PAT: I know. Well, and then
GLENN: My son is like, "Dad." Yeah? "Look, I can pick all the green things off this." No! Don't pick the green things off it! "Look, it looks like a stick." I don't want it to look like a stick!
PAT: I can see Raphe doing that.
GLENN: Yeah, he was.
PAT: And then pulling the sticks off to use as swords.
GLENN: Yeah, exactly right. So my wife said to me last night, "Will you come home tonight"? Yes. "What time are you getting home from work?" Midnight, if I can help it.
PAT: Really late day.
GLENN: Really, really late day.
PAT: Only have like nine shows to do.
GLENN: You'll probably be asleep. So just put the kids down, you go to sleep, I'll creep in. "What time are you going to be home?" I have no idea, honey. "Well, be home early because we'll decorate the tree. Won't that be fun?" No. (Laughing). No, it will not be. I have a clear recollection of how fun it is. No. (Laughing).
PAT: I started that light process yesterday.
GLENN: I said to my wife, she said I said, "Do we have lights?" You know how many lights we have downstairs? And then I remembered. "Oh, yeah, I put them there. Go buy some new ones because I am not untangling them. Because I remember what kind of a mood I was in when we took the lights down last year! We're throwing them out!"
GLENN: "You want colored lights?" I don't care. "Well, white lights or colored lights?" I don't care. "Well, I'll get both and then we can decide." I don't... care! You know that's one thing that women don't understand. They don't seem to hear that phrase.
GLENN: "I don't care. " Where are we going to eat? "I don't care." "Well, how about here or here?" "Honey, I don't care."
PAT: Pick one.
GLENN: Pick one. "I don't care." Pick one. Okay, we'll go there.
PAT: "I don't like that place."
GLENN: Then why did you give me that option!
PAT: Exactly. They don't listen to us.
PAT: Because, you know, it's like Friday. We both, we had had long weeks. We had done, you know
GLENN: Oh, jeez.
PAT: 13 shows last week plus a live performance.
GLENN: I did 13 shows last week and a live performance. I was exhausted Friday!
PAT: All we want to do is go home and vegetate.
GLENN: I just want to go home and vomit.
PAT: On a couch.
GLENN: Just don't, don't talk to me, don't I just, let me just, can I just have a couple of hours just to have, like, a nurse give me an IV bag or something. My wife calls and she's like, "Let's go out." I don't want to go out. "Well, why don't you want to go?" Because I've been, I've been out all week! I just want to be home for a few minutes. "Well, I haven't been out all week."
PAT: I heard the exact same thing. My wife calls: "You want to go to the town lights Christmas light spectacular?"
PAT: The town's like 12 people. How spectacular can it be! No! I just want to sit! "Well, we haven't been out." I've been home twice this week! Please! "Well, I thought you wanted to be with us." Yeah! At home!
GLENN: I'm thinking I just Pat and I talked about it on the way home. I think, I think we're going to divorce our wives.
PAT: And just marry each other.
GLENN: And just marry each other.
PAT: I mean, after all these years, the sex thing's not an issue anyway.
GLENN: It's just like, it's not happening.
PAT: It's over.
GLENN: I mean, look at us.
PAT: It's just not fun. You want to go? No. Me, neither.
GLENN: Just the laughs we would have. "Hey, Pat, you want to go to the Christmas spectacular?"
GLENN: Good. Me, neither. Done!