| Couple Of The Year - Volume 1 |
Quite possibly our favorite show of the year-the "Couple of the Year" presentation. Listen back to some of our best moments from these classic shows - available as a CD or download it instantly in MP3 format.
Free audio: After Hours with Delino
Now, here's a story I found: Surprising reasons you're not having sex. Here's the first one. Your bed isn't sexy anymore. We hear it over and over again the bed should be used for sex and sleep only. So why do we insist on bringing in third parties, laptops, PDAs, Law and Order, et cetera, et cetera. You know what, my doctor has actually told me that, under doctors' orders, nothing else in bed. He said just sleep. And I went, just sleep? And my wife said, you heard him; just sleep. "Your meds are stealing away your sex drive." Whoa. Surprised by that one. Reason number 3: You're not having sex anymore. Your crazy, busy life. (Crackling noise). "I'm in Cairo." Sex RX, I don't even know what that means -- oh, that means what you're supposed to do. I don't care about that one. Next one: You don't like your body. This isn't a new development. Never have. Lucky for me. A long time ago I decided I'm not having sex with me. "You've hit premenopause." Can I? Next one, "Your man's just not into that." Wait a minute. This might be written for women. "You're depressed." Yeah, because I'm not having sex anymore! The last one is "You're sick and tired." Now, wait a minute. It says because you have a thyroid condition. Wouldn't you know because don't your eyes pop out with a thyroid condition? Seriously don't you start looking like those dogs? No, like the pug dog, like Stu's dog, your eyes pop out if you have a thyroid condition. If your eyes are popping out, that's why you're not having sex. But it also says because you might be anemic. I'm anemic, almost had to have a blood transfusion a couple of weeks ago and you know what? I could have had sex on the blood transfusion table. I'm just, I'm a guy. Anemia's going to stop you, puhleez. You need to have a blood transfusion." Sure, can you just leave us alone for a second, Doc? I mean, here are some other reasons. "You're ugly." Hello! I'm not a sex expert but I'm -- you know, I'm thinking, you know, you're ugly and, you know, that's a tough one to overcome especially if you're a woman. If you're a guy, that's not hard to overcome. I'm sorry. That's just the way the world is. How many ugly guys have hot wives? Take me, for example. I don't know why she married -- I think it was low self-esteem. I do. No, really I think it was low self-esteem. I got in -- you know, you buy when the market is low. You know what I mean? While everybody is selling, you buy. And I think I got in there right at the right time. Low self-esteem, wait a minute, could go a little lower, she might come down to my price. Okay, sold! Now her self-esteem is going up. And if my income wasn't going up, she would have ditched me long ago. She would have gone, "Wait a minute, I think I was depressed when I married you." I'm just -- look. I'm not Tania, but I am a thinker.
Okay, so anyway, talking about ugly people. Ugly people, if you're a guy, you can get past it. I don't think you can as an ugly woman. No, I don't -- if you are an ugly woman, I apologize. Oh, you've got a double-cross because if you're an ugly woman, you're probably a Progressive as well. Oh, jeez. I'm sorry. Today's just not your day. But you know what? If you believed in God, you would know that there's going to be another chance for you. You don't have to be ugly in heaven. You are going to be your perfect self and there will be another perfect somebody waiting for you on the other side. Until that time....
Reason Number 2, you're morbidly obese. They didn't cover this one in the other article, but I think when you put surprising -- oh, no, it does say "Surprising reasons you're not having sex." That's not a surprising reason. If you're morbidly obese, there's not a single person that's in line, you know, sitting on that big marshmallow couch, "I'm just going to have some more Cheetos. Ooh, this couch looks tasty." There's nobody that is sitting there eating Cheetos, "I got Cheetos dust all over my throat and thinking, why doesn't anybody want to have sex with me." That doesn't happen. There's no surprise there. You are right, I'm sorry, I take it back. The surprise would be, "I'm on my marshmallow -- you what? You want to have sex with me?" But again the guys make out better than the ladies on this one. Two words: Kevin James. I mean, he married a model. It's Kevin James! Look at him! I defy you to name the fat woman married to some stud guy. Can you do it?
Women are so much better than guys. They are. They just are. They will see -- I don't know how they see past fat. I don't, but they do somehow or another. My wife said to me last night. I said, oh, honey, I'm just tired of being fat and disgusting. I've got to get into shape. And she said, you're not fat. And I said, oh, I love you, my little blind one. You are so great. And by the way, you gain an ounce and you are out of here.
Reason number 3, you haven't done all the chores around the house. That's the one, that's the surprising reason you are not -- you've never tied it to chores! That women can talk about how they want to be romanced and, oh, look at you -- no, uh-uh. They just want you to get the chores done. That's it. It's like, you are like a hamster. And you got to put your nose in that little thing to get the water to come out. You know what I mean? That little thing, you got to get the chores done. You put the nose up in the little -- and the water comes. That's the way it works. You're a hamster! You've got to do the whole chore thing and I mean, men don't do the whole chore thing, there are very few times when men are not in the mood. The unfortunate thing for guys is one time when you're not in the mood is once you've finished all the chores. Because all day you're like, it's my whole Saturday is gone! I've been running around doing these darn chores! (Grumbling). Okay!
Reason Number 4: "You just bought that 63-inch plasma screen." I mean, honey, I love sex and everything, but have you seen how big the TV is? This is fantastic! Reason Number 5: "The ogle factor. We're guys. We're pathetic. We'll ogle a mannequin. Have you seen the Victoria's Secret's mannequins? They are so incredibly hot. You, like, drive by and you're like, don't look, don't look, don't look! It's a mannequin, for the love of Pete. We ogle the mannequins. I don't want to ogle mannequins. You just do. You're a guy! Women don't understand that. "How come you never look at me like all the women at the mall." "I don't know. Maybe because you're not made of paper mache. I don't know! Happy Valentine's Day! Oh!