GLENN: You know, I'm really excited. I have been asked by the National Rifle Association to speak at their convention in Louisville in, I think it's in a few weeks, and I'm the keynote speaker and I've convinced Marcus Luttrell to -- I told my daughter this last night. The night before is my daughter's prom and I said, I'm on my way to the -- to Louisville to give this speech for the NRA and, you know, we have a guy who travels with me now all the time for protection of the family. And she said, Dad -- my daughter is very, very skittish on, you know, me and her boyfriend. And she said, Dad, I mean, you're -- is he going to be with us when, you know -- and I said, oh, yeah, he's going to be with you. I said, in fact, I have another surprise for you. Do you know who else, do you know who else is going to meet your prom date that night? I wonder if I can convince Marcus Luttrell to come with me. So I have not only the family security chief but I also have Marcus Luttrell, the guy who fought 400 Al-Qaeda members and lived to be here on prom night for you.
Times have indeed changed. Here's an actual photo from Glenn's prom night... Notice the lack of firearms and special forces units.
STU: Oh, that is fantastic. And he will do that.
GLENN: You know what? Let's call him tomorrow. I've got to ask him. Let's call him tomorrow. Because I thought of that last night. I was on the phone with him because I asked him, because he wanted to go to the NRA thing. They invited him to go to the NRA thing and he said, you know, I don't know, I've got a schedule. And they said, well, your buddy Glenn's going to be there. And he was like, I'm in; what day. And so when he was up here last a couple of weeks ago, I said, why don't you fly to New York instead of Louisville and you can come with me and we'll go together. Well, if he's in town, you think he should -- I mean, I think he should take time to meet my daughter's prom date, don't you?
STU: You should make it --
GLENN: It's a priority.
STU: A high priority. Just so you know, dear, there's a man here -- first of all, your father loves guns more than you can possibly imagine.
GLENN: Oh, I'm going to speak at the NRA convention. Want to see my weapons?
STU: And then we have the family security chief.
GLENN: Yeah, right here.
STU: A man who fought 400 Al-Qaeda members and we're on our way to a gun convention. Are you going to bring her back on time?
GLENN: I say you're done with the prom at 10:00. What do you say?
STU: Here's a picture of them pulling out of the driveway and they're pulling back in. All right, we're done.
GLENN: It was a good time, thanks. Remind me to call, put it on the list. I have to call Marcus Luttrell tomorrow.
STU: With your connections, you could actually make your daughter Amish without her input. Like, she could want to be never leaving the house even. I think you could even get her that far.
GLENN: Do I need to tell you that her prom dress is black and it's just very well covered? It includes a veil.
STU: She'll be churning butter afterwards? I love this.
GLENN: That's great. It's fantastic. By the way, here's your horse and buggy. Enjoy that.
STU: Can you imagine being, like, you know, a pimple-faced high school student going to pick up a girl for her prom and there's a guy who fought 400 Al-Qaeda members there waiting to greet you? Just because, just because he's friends with the dad who you already think is going to kill you?
GLENN: We were just on our way to the national gun convention. What? We just wanted to say hi. That's it.
STU: Maybe Marcus could bring, you know, the guy who flies the plane that would drop a nuclear bomb just to --
GLENN: You should see the wonderful things he can do with a bottle of water and a towel. I'm just saying. I'm just -- what? I'm just --
STU: You know what you need to do is you need to, just to add onto it, have Kiefer Sutherland, like, call. Just call up.
GLENN: My daughter said, I will never, ever be able to date. And I said, yes, you're right.
STU: The plan is working.
GLENN: (Laughing evilly).
STU: See, this is the only way I can ever have kids. I need to come up with the sort of connections.
GLENN: Let me tell you something. I believe that we could make more money than any other service that we provide if I just started hiring special forces people, the Marcus Luttrell team, and you just -- they are like Chippendale dancers except they don't dance for you. They just intimidate your daughter's boyfriend. And so you hire them on prom night and they just show up and stand next to you and you are like, "This is my special forces friend. He's killed many a men. What time are you going to have her home?" That's it. That's all you need.
STU: I was at the movie theater and I watched the Ben Stein movie and so I get out and it's when all the kids are coming for, like, the 7:00 movies. They have the Dance Dance Revolution game there. They are, I swear they couldn't have been 13 years old. A group of girls, they are dressed like Mariah Carey would be embarrassed the way they are dressed. This is what you need the service for. I just want Marcus Luttrell to show up at that frickin' movie theater. I want him to walk up to those girls and look at them for five seconds and they would run away in berkas. They would actually dress up into a berka so they would be that covered and that would solve the problem. This is what we need. Special forces can solve this problem.
GLENN: I'm telling you.
STU: Like many problems really in the world.
GLENN: Let me tell you something. It works. Scaring the bat snot out of your daughter's date works every time. It has for me. It has for me. And I'm willing to continue to do it.
So you at the -- if you go to the NRA convention and you sign up to go to the, you know, the dinner and the keynote speech, you'll get firsthand details on exact -- I'm bringing Marcus with me. He's not scheduled to speak or anything. I'm bringing him on stage: This is the man who just saved my daughter's prom night, yes. It's been wrecked for her.
GLENN: But --
STU: She will always remember it.
GLENN: Always remember it.
STU: It is a little depressing, though, that to keep your daughter out of trouble, all you need to do is be the keynote speaker at the NRA convention and have a war hero at your disposal.
GLENN: That's it.
STU: That's all you need.
GLENN: Now, a lot of people might say I'm misusing my friendship with the war hero. I don't think so. I think this is what he fought for. Were you not --
STU: This is the second most important thing he's done.
GLENN: Were you not fighting for my family as well as yours? Good. You are not released from service yet. I'm sorry. There's more work for you to do.
STU: We've got to get him on the phone and ask him about this. If he will do this --
GLENN: We've got his phone number. Hang on. We'll just -- no, I don't have my phone.
STU: I think we have it here somewhere. We can, maybe for the next break.
GLENN: Call him in the next second, see if we can get him on the air. It's so weird. He called me the other day. I called him and said, hey, Marcus, I just wanted to give you a call, I wanted to talk about something. He calls me back and he says, what do you need? Because I've got a couple of guys, we can come up, grab some towels. What do you need? I'm like, nobody to be water boarded. That's okay, I just --
STU: Well, there's plenty of people we want to water board but not at this moment.
GLENN: Yeah, not that we would actually do it unless you can convince me that they might have a nuke and it's ready to go off. Then I'm in. Then I'm in. What? I thought my boss had a nuke. I swear to you, I thought that was the case.
STU: Ticking bomb.
GLENN: I'm just saying. How much time do we have? We have 30 seconds? Because we have somebody on the phone who says his daughter went on a date and he was cleaning a sniper rifle. What? We'll get the details from him and we'll see if we can get a hold of Marcus.
STU: Don't want a dirty sniper rifle.
GLENN: No, you want that thing clean. Those issues are completely disconnected. Had nothing to do with a date coming over and me cleaning the sniper rifle. What?
STU: Sniper would be from a distance anyway.
GLENN: Yeah, I'm just handing it to Marcus Luttrell. What he does with a sniper rifle is his business.