John Carney looking at his outdated iPhone while team prepares to go onstage.
GLENN: I personally would like to thank Apple and Steve Jobs. No, I mean, there's no sarcasm there. That's a heartfelt thank you, Apple and Steve Jobs. It is. They just released the all new improved iPhone 2 which is better than the one you bought two weeks ago for $600 and only costs $200. So I want to thank Apple. I don't know how these people stay in business. I really don't. Once a year they remind you, "Remember us? We're the company that just screwed you out of $400. Isn't that great? You came in and we've had these things sitting on the shelves for a while, with you we weren't going to tell you, sucker. Why would we do that?" It's like when you go in to buy a new car. You go in to buy a new car, you know the new one is coming out, right? Because they come out at the same time. You know if you're going to buy a car, you can get a discount by going in around the fall because the new ones are coming in. Not with Apple. Not with Apple. They will sit there. They will have them underneath the counter. They will be while they're talking to you, they will be unwrapping the boxes so they can put the price tag on them. Underneath the counter they are unwrapping it while they are looking you right straight in the eye going, "new one? No, I have no idea when that one's coming out, no, no, no, this one's so good, that's why we're charging you four times as much the list price." They do the opposite. But I want to thank them. I'm not being sarcastic. I want to thank them. I'm thankful that Apple exists, I'm thankful that Steve Jobs knows how to screw people, I mean to the wall, and I think that's I mean, in a way I am grateful. I mean, they let me enjoy my Apple iPhone for a year and then I lost it and they've let me enjoy this one for two weeks. So that's you know, they haven't rubbed in the new version yet. I mean, they will. They just started today. Usually they wait, you know, for good six weeks before they have the new version out and then, you know, you just spent a bajillion dollars on something that now is completely obsolete and when you go to the counter, you know, the genius bar, they are like, "You still have this one? That's crazy. I mean, you're not cool anymore, you know?" You feel pretty good with an Apple. You feel pretty good. You're like, yeah, yeah. And then some dork walks by and they look at you like, you have the iPhone 2.2724? Didn't you hear they've already come out with Version 2.2981 like two weeks ago? Hello, grandpa!
I think Apple is quite honestly the most amazing company on the planet and also the most frustrating company on the planet. They are amazing because the products that they create, truly revolutionary. MP3 player, no matter what it is, where it is, it's called an iPod. That's what it is. Frustrating because they screw you every step of the way. They know they've got a better version. Please, I really think that Apple, I think they they've already they start with the iPod 9 and they're like, how can we make this less impressive? And they take nine steps back and they are like, let's start them here. We'll eventually get to the 9. "No, we really won't get to the 9. Bill in the other room, he's got this new thing. Your finger turns into a phone. It's fantastic." They trick us into these fancy little commercials, you know, where the Apple logo is popping up and the cute little music playing behind. The only thing they do is not show you pictures of puppy dogs and you hear you know, you hear the music and you're like, oh, geez, it's stupid Apple again; I'm never going to fall for that wait a minute, hang on. What? Did he just move the Internet screen with his finger? Wow! Where can I get one of those!
I think they need to have counseling. I think they need to have you know the genius bar? They should have the genius couch or the not so genius couch for anybody who bought one, just go to the couch. "So we screwed you again, didn't we?" "Yeah." "How does that make you feel?" "Pretty crappy." "You're still going to buy stuff from us, aren't you?" "Yes." "How does that make you feel?" "Well, when I first get it, I feel cool. Then about 20 minutes later when you come out with a new version, I feel like a loser." "But you are." "I know, until I buy the new version."
I think that's what they should do. They should have some sort of a counseling couch right by the genius bar. I mean, you got time. While you're waiting in line for three hours at the genius bar first time I waited in line, I didn't know you had to go over to the computer and sign in. I didn't know that. I'm just waiting for them to say, "Next." Then I realized it didn't work that way and then I really felt stupid. Then I was looking for the couch. I'm like, I'm so stupid, I don't even know how to use their line. And then you stand there and you wait for a genius who's not a genius. He's like 12. And he you already well, I was going to say already thinks he's better than you. He already knows he's better than you. He's working at the genius bar. That's not too egotistical. He's working at the genius bar and he's like, "Hello, welcome to iPod. Welcome to Apple. Can I see your computer, please?" "Yeah." "Okay, I'll just listen to it here for a second. I'll tell you what's wrong, okay?" And he puts it up to his ear. Who fixes anything with their ear. I don't think anybody, they put it up to their ear and they listen. There's nothing happening. "Yeah, you're going to have to replace this." "Can you fix it?" "Oh, no. No, these really aren't made to be fixed." Maybe if you guys are such geniuses, maybe you should make them so they can be fixed. It's enough to drive anybody to insanity. I think marriages have collapsed while one spouse is just waiting there at the genius bar, waiting to be informed that he needs to restart his iPhone. I mean, it's and marriages collapse not only just because of the time you spent in line at the stupid Apple store. It's because of the story you tell when you come back. "Where were you? What took you so long?" "I was at the Apple store, honey. I mean, you know how long it takes there." (Murmuring). "Well, they tried to fix it and they couldn't." But they do have this new version there and it just seemed like " "You bought one, didn't you?" Do women actually buy anything Apple or is it just guys? Yeah, because they make the iPhone, like, with the little pink rubber thing? That's the dumbest thing I've ever these iPhones, they're little teeny they're little teeny computers. As soon as you drop one I've dropped mine before. When you drop it, isn't the first thing out of your mouth, "Oh, crap." You know it's not going to survive the fall. You'll be standing in line at the genius counter. "Just listening. Shhh. Did you drop it or something?" I know, I probably you guys didn't really, you didn't think that one through, did you? "No, because nobody's stupid to drop it. I mean, who would be that stupid to drop an iPhone? You paid $6,000 for it. The new one's coming out tom oops, shouldn't have told you that. Why don't you buy the $6,000 one today because the new one's definitely not coming out at $19.95 tomorrow and this one doubles as a plane." "Okay, thank you. Thank you to the genius over at Apple."