DON’T BAIL OUT, AMERICA!

By Brian Sack

Millions of resolutions are made every January. By February they’re a fading memory. By March they’re totally forgotten, like my keys. And the lyrics to Achy Breaky Heart. And hopefully anyone involved with making Jon and Kate Gosselin famous. It’s a shame, because New Year’s resolutions are always well-intentioned and really could make life better for us if we’d actually keep to them. Here are some popular resolutions made every year and the reasons we should work hard to see them through:

Of course we should lose weight! Being overweight creates medical problems for us, shortens our life spans, increases the odds we’ll be mocked on the website peopleofwalmart.com and can impact us professionally and socially to boot. But the most important reason we should all lose weight is so that an organization as ludicrous as the “National Association for the Advancement of Fat Acceptance” has no reason to exist.

TAKE A NICE VACATION

I’m a big fan of travel. Travel is great! You can see other places and learn about other cultures, eat exotic foods and run up your mobile phone’s roaming charges which keep giant mobile phone mega-corporations from starving. But the real reason you should travel is to get an idea of where you might want to live.

Just in case, you know, America totally falls apart and everyone runs away screaming. I think you should buy an RV too, so you can flee in style.

MANAGE DEBT

Can’t argue with that, right? The better you manage your debt, the less money you’re wasting in expensive interest payments to big credit card companies and other lenders. The less money you waste, the more you have! The more money you have, the more you’ll be able to give to the Feds when they ask you to pick up the tab for an illegal immigrant who stubbed his toe while fleeing border agents.

LEARN SOMETHING NEW

Our brains could make even the most advanced supercomputer feel stupid. That is if advanced supercomputers were capable of having feelings—Which they’re not because we’re not smart enough to develop a computer capable of having human emotions. So, let’s learn how to do that and other things. Why? Because maybe at some point, while we’re learning something new we’ll learn the secret to not keep electing dunderheads to political office. That’s right, I said dunderhead.

QUIT SMOKING

I’ll be honest, smoking makes you look a little cooler. I hate to say that, but it’s the truth. Not cigars though. I wish the guy who smokes breakfast cigars outside my building knew that. Nevertheless, you should quit smoking. Sure, it’s bad for you and yadda yadda but the real reason to follow through with your resolution and quit smoking is so nanny-state politicians, like New York mayor Michael Bloomberg, stop wagging their fingers in our faces. Besides, they should be concentrating on all the other things they need to force us to do, like pulling up our pants or not over-salting our eggs.

GET A BETTER JOB

Lots of people would love to get a  better job that pays more, demands less and satisfies them more than their current job. You should definitely, totally work hard to keep this resolution because, if you actually manage to keep it, you’ll single-handedly prove that getting a better gig isn’t some kind of insane fantasy. If that happens, please let me know how you did it.