Predictive Obituary - Slap Chop Claims Victim

FUSION JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2010

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Slap Chop Claims Victim

Vince Photo Courtesy of AP PhotosMoms, are you tired of watching the same old commercials for kitchen gadgets and wondering, "How does no one get hurt with all that slicing and dicing?"

Dads, are you bored with watching yet another late-night pitchman swap out the mincing blade for the grating blade and thinking to yourself, "How hasn’t he cut off one of his fingers by now?"

Well, those days are over! Vince Offer, Mr. ShamWow! himself, has died as a result of injuries suffered at the hands of the incredible new Slap Chop!

But wait—there’s more!

Sure, lots of choppers with poorly made blades manufactured overseas with little to no safety or regulatory oversight seem needlessly dangerous, but how many of them actually are needlessly dangerous? Hello Slap Chop! Why, just ask Vince Offer. Oh, that’s right, you can’t, because he’s dead!

With the Slap Chop, Vince Offer showed us how quick and easy it is to dice, chop and mince almost anything in just seconds, including his radial artery! And now that the Broward County Coroner’s Office says he’s done that, he’ll never need to switch blades again—mostly because authorities say he drifted into shock shortly before he was discovered yesterday morning… lifeless on his kitchen floor. For- tunately, the Slap Chop is easy to clean and dish washer safe!

But that’s not all! Chop up vegeta-bles, nuts and fruits, quickly and easily! With every slap, the finer the food gets! After a while, it’s almost as if the Slap Chop has a lacerating mind of its own, seemingly cutting not what you want, but what it wants!

So what does a death machine masquerading as a kitchen helper like this cost? If Vince Offer hadn’t had his life snuffed out in the prime of his youth, he might wonder aloud, $100…$75…$50?

Not even close!

As a tribute to Vince Offer and his questionable past with drinking and prostitutes, we’re offering the Slap Chop for just $19.95 plus $7.95 shipping and handling! And because Vince Offer is survived by loving family and friends, we’re slashing prices in his honor! If you’re one of the first 100 people to attend his memorial service, we’re going to double this already incredible offer! That’s right, you’ll get a second Slap Chop absolutely FREE so you can share the risk with a friend! (Just pay for separate shipping and handling.)

As Vince Offer reminded us in his informative and entertaining Slap Chop infomercial (watch it anytime you like at www.officialslapchop.com), chopping onions is a lot like dealing with an untimely passing—"Life is hard enough as it is. You don’t want to cry anymore." So don’t! (And even if you did, let the tears flow. The Slap Chop’s blades are stainless steel!)

I’m sure as we deal with a promising career cut short, Vince would roll over in his grave (as if he was on the incredible Showtime Rotisserie & BBQ Oven!) if I didn’t remind you that, while it was the cause of his end, the Slap Chop is just the beginning for you! Make quick, easy and healthy omelets, pizza, salads, pasta dishes, and tacos for your whole family!

Operators and grief counselors are standing by—call now!

*Void where prohibited. Obit not valid in Ohio, New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Rhode Island and Delaware. Please wait 30 minutes after eating before going in the pool. The makers of Slap Chop cannot guarantee that you will suffer fatal injuries from their product. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Canadian orders add additional shipping. Graty not included.

Just days after Canadian pastor James Coates was released from prison for refusing to bow to COVID-19 lockdown restrictions, several police officers showed up at another church to ensure restrictions were being followed. But Polish pastor Artur Pawlowski of the Cave of Adullam Church in Alberta, Canada, knew his rights, telling the cops not to come back until they had a warrant in hand.

Filling in for Glenn Beck on the radio program this week, Pat Gray and Stu Burguiere played a video of the interaction.

"Please get out. Please get out of this property immediately. Get out!" Pawlowski can be heard yelling at the six officers who entered his church.

"Out! Out! Out! Get out of this property immediately until you come back with a warrant," he continued. "Go out and don't come back. I don't want to talk to you. You Nazis, Gestapo is not allowed here! ... Nazis are not welcome here! Do not come back you Nazi psychopaths. Unbelievable sick, evil people. Intimidating people in a church during the Passover! You Gestapo, Nazi, communist fascists! Don't you dare come back here!"

Watch this clip to see the heated exchange:

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

One of the most dangerous existential threats to the United States is Critical Race Theory, or CRT. As Glenn Beck has exposed over the past year, CRT is gaining momentum and has been preached in our universities for a while now.

Then last August, leaked documents revealed that Marxism, activist ideology of Black Lives Matter, is making its way into grade school classrooms across the country. And since then, things have only gotten more intense.

On next week's Wednesday night special, Glenn will expose the new ways progressives are systematically indoctrinating our kids and culture with this dangerous ideology. But first, it's crucial that you know what your kids may already be learning.

"What I'm about to show you is just the beginning," Glenn said, introducing the leaked documents.

"I found it shocking that Black Lives Matter supporters have developed lesson plans that start from preschool all the way up to the 12th grade," he continued. "Do you know the money it would take to tailor things ... and get it out to the schools and the unions for each age, to be able to brainwash the kids on Marxism and how to destroy capitalism by using race, sexual orientation, and gender?

"Our children don't stand a chance," Glenn added later. "They're not being taught anything except how to be radical activists. What the hell has happened?"

Watch the video clip below or find the full episode here.


Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

During his campaign, President Joe Biden survived scandal after scandal involving his son Hunter — the Ukraine/Burisma scandal, the laptop scandal, the one involving a stripper from Arkansas and a long-lost child. And yet, after it all appeared to have been swept under the rug, Hunter has now released a memoir — "Beautiful Things."

Filling in for Glenn Beck on the radio program this week, Pat Gray and Stu Burguiere discussed Hunter's "horrible" response when asked on "CBS This Morning" if the laptop seized by the FBI in 2019 belonged to him and reviewed a few segments from his new book, which they agreed raises the question: Is Hunter trying to sabotage his father's career?

Watch the video below for more:


Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

Countless corporations — from Delta Air Lines, Coca-Cola, and Porsche to UPS and LinkedIn — are calling out the Georgia voting laws, calling them "restrictive," "racist," and "discriminative." Meanwhile, words like "stakeholder" and "equitable" are starting to show up in their arguments.

On the radio program, Glenn Beck gave the "decoder ring" for what's really going on here, because our society is being completely redesigned in front of our eyes.

There's a reason why all these big businesses are speaking out now, and it has very little to do with genuine ideology, Glenn explained. It's all about ESG scores and forcing "compliance" through the monetization of social justice.

Glenn went on to detail exactly what ESG scores are, how they're calculated, and why these social credit scores explain the latest moves from "woke" companies.

Watch the video below to hear Glenn break it down:

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.