Predictive Obituary - Slap Chop Claims Victim

FUSION JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2010

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Slap Chop Claims Victim

Vince Photo Courtesy of AP PhotosMoms, are you tired of watching the same old commercials for kitchen gadgets and wondering, "How does no one get hurt with all that slicing and dicing?"

Dads, are you bored with watching yet another late-night pitchman swap out the mincing blade for the grating blade and thinking to yourself, "How hasn’t he cut off one of his fingers by now?"

Well, those days are over! Vince Offer, Mr. ShamWow! himself, has died as a result of injuries suffered at the hands of the incredible new Slap Chop!

But wait—there’s more!

Sure, lots of choppers with poorly made blades manufactured overseas with little to no safety or regulatory oversight seem needlessly dangerous, but how many of them actually are needlessly dangerous? Hello Slap Chop! Why, just ask Vince Offer. Oh, that’s right, you can’t, because he’s dead!

With the Slap Chop, Vince Offer showed us how quick and easy it is to dice, chop and mince almost anything in just seconds, including his radial artery! And now that the Broward County Coroner’s Office says he’s done that, he’ll never need to switch blades again—mostly because authorities say he drifted into shock shortly before he was discovered yesterday morning… lifeless on his kitchen floor. For- tunately, the Slap Chop is easy to clean and dish washer safe!

But that’s not all! Chop up vegeta-bles, nuts and fruits, quickly and easily! With every slap, the finer the food gets! After a while, it’s almost as if the Slap Chop has a lacerating mind of its own, seemingly cutting not what you want, but what it wants!

So what does a death machine masquerading as a kitchen helper like this cost? If Vince Offer hadn’t had his life snuffed out in the prime of his youth, he might wonder aloud, $100…$75…$50?

Not even close!

As a tribute to Vince Offer and his questionable past with drinking and prostitutes, we’re offering the Slap Chop for just $19.95 plus $7.95 shipping and handling! And because Vince Offer is survived by loving family and friends, we’re slashing prices in his honor! If you’re one of the first 100 people to attend his memorial service, we’re going to double this already incredible offer! That’s right, you’ll get a second Slap Chop absolutely FREE so you can share the risk with a friend! (Just pay for separate shipping and handling.)

As Vince Offer reminded us in his informative and entertaining Slap Chop infomercial (watch it anytime you like at www.officialslapchop.com), chopping onions is a lot like dealing with an untimely passing—"Life is hard enough as it is. You don’t want to cry anymore." So don’t! (And even if you did, let the tears flow. The Slap Chop’s blades are stainless steel!)

I’m sure as we deal with a promising career cut short, Vince would roll over in his grave (as if he was on the incredible Showtime Rotisserie & BBQ Oven!) if I didn’t remind you that, while it was the cause of his end, the Slap Chop is just the beginning for you! Make quick, easy and healthy omelets, pizza, salads, pasta dishes, and tacos for your whole family!

Operators and grief counselors are standing by—call now!

*Void where prohibited. Obit not valid in Ohio, New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Rhode Island and Delaware. Please wait 30 minutes after eating before going in the pool. The makers of Slap Chop cannot guarantee that you will suffer fatal injuries from their product. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Canadian orders add additional shipping. Graty not included.

On the radio program Friday, Glenn Beck discussed the recent news that a primary source for the Steele Dossier — the document on which much of the Trump-Russia collusion investigation was based — had been investigated by the FBI for contacts with suspected Russian spies. Glenn also shared several previously unpublished texts and emails from FBI agents have recently been released.

According to a letter sent by Attorney General William Barr to Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) on Thursday, the FBI knew early on that the research compiled by ex-British intelligence agent Christopher Steele relied on a "Primary Sub-source" that had been "the subject of an FBI counterintelligence investigation from 2009 to 2011 that assessed his or her contacts with suspected Russian intelligence officers" — but still used it to obtain warrants to spy on former Trump campaign-aide Carter Page.

But, it gets even worse. Now, new leaked texts and communications from FBI agents within the department at the time of the entire Russian collusion effort were disclosed in federal court filings on Thursday. According to the court documents, FBI agents purchased "professional liability insurance" to protect themselves in January 2017, just weeks before Donald Trump was inaugurated president, because they were concerned about the agency's potentially illegal activity during the Russia collusion investigation.

"Trump was right," one FBI employee wrote in response to then-President-elect Trump's Jan 3, 2017 tweet which read: "The 'Intelligence' briefing on so-called 'Russian hacking' was delayed until Friday, perhaps more time needed to build a case. Very strange!"

Watch the video below for more details:

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

Chief researcher Jason Buttrill joined Glenn Beck on the radio program Thursday to discuss an "explosive" new report released Wednesday by Senate Republicans on Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden's son, Hunter Biden, and the Ukrainian energy company Burisma.

Among other serious allegations, the 87-page report claims that "Hunter Biden received a $3.5 million wire transfer from Elena Baturina, the wife of the former mayor of Moscow," and the richest woman in Russia.

"The transactions discussed [in the report] are designed to illustrate the depth and extent of some questionable financial transactions. Moreover, the financial transactions illustrate serious counterintelligence and extortion concerns relating to Hunter Biden and his family," the report stated.

Jason suggested the Senate's findings provide additional evidence to back allegations of a money-laundering scheme, which Glenn detailed in a four-part series about Biden's shady connections to Ukraine. Learn more on this here.

"Laundered money is very hard to track to its finality," Jason explained. "I'm sure the Biden camp is really hoping that it just looks suspicious, but [investigators] don't ever find the eventual end point. But, if they do – and it's possible they already have – this is going to be explosive, very explosive."

Watch the video below for more details:

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

Revolutions rarely happen overnight. The Left started laying the groundwork for November 3, 2020, the moment Hillary Clinton had to concede the 2016 election to Donald Trump. It was always solely about getting rid of President Trump — and there's a playbook for that.

Last week, Glenn Beck showed you the "Seven Pillars of Color Revolution" written by a former U.S. diplomat, which are the conditions that must be in place for a successful Eastern European-style "Color Revolution." The left seems to be pushing for a Color Revolution this election because they are using the exact same playbook.

In part two of this series, Glenn peels back the layers on the first four of these Color Revolution pillars to show you how they work and what the end goal is. And he reveals one of the architects of the playbook – a Color Revolution specialist, former ambassador, and former Obama administration official who is one of the key masterminds of this revolution.

Joining Glenn is political campaign veteran and BlazeTV host Steve Deace who says the polls that claim Biden is leading the race "are trash." We're being set up to believe that if Trump wins in spite of the polls, it must be an invalid election.

Watch the full video below:


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Sen. Ted Cruz: NOBODY should be afraid of Trump's Supreme Court justice pick

Stefani Reynolds/Bloomberg via Getty Images

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) joined Glenn Beck on the radio program Wednesday to weigh in on President Donald Trump's potential Supreme Court nominees and talk about his timely new book, "One Vote Away: How a Single Supreme Court Seat Can Change History."

Sen. Cruz argued that, while Congressional Democrats are outraged over President Trump's chance at a third court appointment, no one on either side should be afraid of a Supreme Court justice being appointed if it's done according to the founding documents. That's why it's crucial that the GOP fills the vacant seat with a true constitutionalist.

Watch the video below to hear the conversation:

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.