Predictive Obituary - Slap Chop Claims Victim

FUSION JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2010

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Slap Chop Claims Victim

Vince Photo Courtesy of AP PhotosMoms, are you tired of watching the same old commercials for kitchen gadgets and wondering, "How does no one get hurt with all that slicing and dicing?"

Dads, are you bored with watching yet another late-night pitchman swap out the mincing blade for the grating blade and thinking to yourself, "How hasn’t he cut off one of his fingers by now?"

Well, those days are over! Vince Offer, Mr. ShamWow! himself, has died as a result of injuries suffered at the hands of the incredible new Slap Chop!

But wait—there’s more!

Sure, lots of choppers with poorly made blades manufactured overseas with little to no safety or regulatory oversight seem needlessly dangerous, but how many of them actually are needlessly dangerous? Hello Slap Chop! Why, just ask Vince Offer. Oh, that’s right, you can’t, because he’s dead!

With the Slap Chop, Vince Offer showed us how quick and easy it is to dice, chop and mince almost anything in just seconds, including his radial artery! And now that the Broward County Coroner’s Office says he’s done that, he’ll never need to switch blades again—mostly because authorities say he drifted into shock shortly before he was discovered yesterday morning… lifeless on his kitchen floor. For- tunately, the Slap Chop is easy to clean and dish washer safe!

But that’s not all! Chop up vegeta-bles, nuts and fruits, quickly and easily! With every slap, the finer the food gets! After a while, it’s almost as if the Slap Chop has a lacerating mind of its own, seemingly cutting not what you want, but what it wants!

So what does a death machine masquerading as a kitchen helper like this cost? If Vince Offer hadn’t had his life snuffed out in the prime of his youth, he might wonder aloud, $100…$75…$50?

Not even close!

As a tribute to Vince Offer and his questionable past with drinking and prostitutes, we’re offering the Slap Chop for just $19.95 plus $7.95 shipping and handling! And because Vince Offer is survived by loving family and friends, we’re slashing prices in his honor! If you’re one of the first 100 people to attend his memorial service, we’re going to double this already incredible offer! That’s right, you’ll get a second Slap Chop absolutely FREE so you can share the risk with a friend! (Just pay for separate shipping and handling.)

As Vince Offer reminded us in his informative and entertaining Slap Chop infomercial (watch it anytime you like at www.officialslapchop.com), chopping onions is a lot like dealing with an untimely passing—"Life is hard enough as it is. You don’t want to cry anymore." So don’t! (And even if you did, let the tears flow. The Slap Chop’s blades are stainless steel!)

I’m sure as we deal with a promising career cut short, Vince would roll over in his grave (as if he was on the incredible Showtime Rotisserie & BBQ Oven!) if I didn’t remind you that, while it was the cause of his end, the Slap Chop is just the beginning for you! Make quick, easy and healthy omelets, pizza, salads, pasta dishes, and tacos for your whole family!

Operators and grief counselors are standing by—call now!

*Void where prohibited. Obit not valid in Ohio, New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Rhode Island and Delaware. Please wait 30 minutes after eating before going in the pool. The makers of Slap Chop cannot guarantee that you will suffer fatal injuries from their product. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Canadian orders add additional shipping. Graty not included.

Bill O'Reilly joined the "Glenn Beck Radio Program" on Friday for his weekly take on the 2020 presidential race.

O'Reilly emphasized what a dangerous candidate socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) really is, and how the media is working to mislead voters by depicting other Democratic candidates, such as former South Bend, Indiana, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, as "moderate."

"The Democratic Party has been hijacked -- and this is no breaking news -- by the progressive left. Which is now being enabled by the national media," said O'Reilly.

"Bernie Sanders is a dangerous man. In any sane time, media time, that would be clear to everybody. But it's not," he added. "It's like, 'Oh, there's uncle Bernie and he just wants to give stuff away. What a great guy.' [He's] not a great guy, all right? He's a totalitarian. He'll take your freedom, in every area, away. Every area. There isn't one area, that Bernie Sanders wouldn't intrude upon, in your personal freedom. Yet, that's not reported. You don't know it unless you pay attention. It's all a bunch of dishonest blather that has obliterated the so-called moderate Democrat. And there are millions of those people. They don't know what to do because they have no voice in the media."

Glenn pointed out that the media has been "trying to make Pete Buttigieg into a moderate" ever since his strong showing in the Iowa caucuses last week.

"So, Pete Buttigieg: Harvard grad. Rhodes Scholar. Brilliant man, he is brilliant. Great speaker. Almost as good as Beck and I. Not quite, but almost," O'Reilly said. "He's only 38, all right? So, the guy goes out and runs for president after being the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, for eight years, and almost destroying that city. The city is in chaos, yet he's re-elected with 80% of the vote the second time. That's what a good BS'er Pete Buttigieg is.

The two went on to break down Buttegieg's radical policy plans on immigration, abortion, gun control, and more.

Watch the video below to catch more of the conversation:

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream. Use code GLENN to save $10 on one year of BlazeTV.

On the radio program Thursday, Glenn Beck and his chief researcher, Jason Buttrill, have uncovered new evidence that suggests the coronavirus death toll numbers coming from China are grossly inaccurate.

After vetting several deep-fake videos circulating on social media, Jason unearthed shocking whistleblower-videos released by citizens of the communist state that show entire warehouses filled with body bags, along with other atrocities.

Jason and Glenn break down the real numbers and discuss the possibilities of the outbreak coming to America. Watch the video below for more details:

Don't miss next Wednesday's TV special on the coronavirus in its new time slot at 9PM ET.

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream. Use code GLENN to save $10 on one year of BlazeTV.


Former South Bend, Indiana, Mayor Pete Buttigieg has surged in the polls in the past month.

With former Vice President Joe Biden dropping below far-left presidential candidates such as the unapologetically socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt.), and the almost equally extremist Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass), Democratic voters seeking a more moderate alternative are setting their sights on Mayor Pete.

But are Buttigieg's policies actually moderate? Not even close, Glenn Beck said Thursday on the radio program.

"[Pete Buttigieg] wants people to see him as a moderate. The mayor of a Midwest city in a red state ... and he's going for the middle, even though he is not a moderate candidate in any way," said Glenn.

Here are just a few example of where Buttigieg stands on the issues:

  • Supports late-term, partial-birth abortion
  • Eliminate the Electoral College
  • Buyback program for assault weapons
  • Raise the federal minimum wage to $15/hour
  • Expand Medicare
  • Decriminalize illegal immigration
  • Pay for infrastructure through changing taxes on corporations, the wealthy
  • Study reparations
  • Legalize marijuana
  • Increase existing taxes on upper-income Americans
  • Cancel some student debt
  • Don't use tariffs to pressure countries
Watch the video clip below for more information:

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

Use code GLENN to save $10 on one year of BlazeTV.

An official at the World Health Organization (WHO), the United Nations' health agency, has issued a warning, calling the coronavirus "the worst enemy you can imagine" and more of a threat than "any terrorist attack," during a media briefing on Tuesday.

Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, WHO's director general, said that a vaccine for the coronavirus will likely take 18 months to develop. The virus has reportedly killed hundreds and infected tens of thousands of people, primarily in China.

"To be honest, a virus is more powerful in creating political, social and economic upheaval than any terrorist attack. It's the worst enemy you can imagine," added Ghebreyesus.

On the radio program Wednesday, Glenn Beck noted that the same agency in charge of developing this life-saving vaccine, has taken the time to officially change the disease's name to COVID-19, citing the concern of "stigmatizing" any specific geographical location, individual, or group of people.

Watch the video below to catch more of the conversation:

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

Use code GLENN to save $10 on one year of BlazeTV.