Predictive Obituary - Slap Chop Claims Victim

FUSION JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2010

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Slap Chop Claims Victim

Vince Photo Courtesy of AP PhotosMoms, are you tired of watching the same old commercials for kitchen gadgets and wondering, "How does no one get hurt with all that slicing and dicing?"

Dads, are you bored with watching yet another late-night pitchman swap out the mincing blade for the grating blade and thinking to yourself, "How hasn’t he cut off one of his fingers by now?"

Well, those days are over! Vince Offer, Mr. ShamWow! himself, has died as a result of injuries suffered at the hands of the incredible new Slap Chop!

But wait—there’s more!

Sure, lots of choppers with poorly made blades manufactured overseas with little to no safety or regulatory oversight seem needlessly dangerous, but how many of them actually are needlessly dangerous? Hello Slap Chop! Why, just ask Vince Offer. Oh, that’s right, you can’t, because he’s dead!

With the Slap Chop, Vince Offer showed us how quick and easy it is to dice, chop and mince almost anything in just seconds, including his radial artery! And now that the Broward County Coroner’s Office says he’s done that, he’ll never need to switch blades again—mostly because authorities say he drifted into shock shortly before he was discovered yesterday morning… lifeless on his kitchen floor. For- tunately, the Slap Chop is easy to clean and dish washer safe!

But that’s not all! Chop up vegeta-bles, nuts and fruits, quickly and easily! With every slap, the finer the food gets! After a while, it’s almost as if the Slap Chop has a lacerating mind of its own, seemingly cutting not what you want, but what it wants!

So what does a death machine masquerading as a kitchen helper like this cost? If Vince Offer hadn’t had his life snuffed out in the prime of his youth, he might wonder aloud, $100…$75…$50?

Not even close!

As a tribute to Vince Offer and his questionable past with drinking and prostitutes, we’re offering the Slap Chop for just $19.95 plus $7.95 shipping and handling! And because Vince Offer is survived by loving family and friends, we’re slashing prices in his honor! If you’re one of the first 100 people to attend his memorial service, we’re going to double this already incredible offer! That’s right, you’ll get a second Slap Chop absolutely FREE so you can share the risk with a friend! (Just pay for separate shipping and handling.)

As Vince Offer reminded us in his informative and entertaining Slap Chop infomercial (watch it anytime you like at www.officialslapchop.com), chopping onions is a lot like dealing with an untimely passing—"Life is hard enough as it is. You don’t want to cry anymore." So don’t! (And even if you did, let the tears flow. The Slap Chop’s blades are stainless steel!)

I’m sure as we deal with a promising career cut short, Vince would roll over in his grave (as if he was on the incredible Showtime Rotisserie & BBQ Oven!) if I didn’t remind you that, while it was the cause of his end, the Slap Chop is just the beginning for you! Make quick, easy and healthy omelets, pizza, salads, pasta dishes, and tacos for your whole family!

Operators and grief counselors are standing by—call now!

*Void where prohibited. Obit not valid in Ohio, New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Rhode Island and Delaware. Please wait 30 minutes after eating before going in the pool. The makers of Slap Chop cannot guarantee that you will suffer fatal injuries from their product. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Canadian orders add additional shipping. Graty not included.

Glenn Beck: Why MLK's pledge of NONVIOLENCE is the key to saving America

Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images

Listen to the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s pledge of nonviolence and really let it sink in: "Remember always that the nonviolent movement seeks justice and reconciliation — not victory."

On the radio program, Glenn Beck shared King's "ten commandments" of nonviolence and the meaning behind the powerful words you may never have noticed before.

"People will say nonviolent resistance is a method of cowards. It is not. It takes more courage to stand there when people are threatening you," Glenn said. "You're not necessarily the one who is going to win. You may lose. But you are standing up with courage for the ideas that you espouse. And the minute you engage in the kind of activity that the other side is engaging in, you discredit the movement. You discredit everything we believe in."

Take MLK's words to heart, America. We must stand with courage, nonviolently, with love for all, and strive for peace and rule of law, not "winning."

Watch the video below for more:

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

Conservatives are between a rock and a hard place with Section 230 and Big Tech censorship. We don't want more government regulation, but have we moved beyond the ability of Section 230 reforms to rein in Big Tech's rising power?

Rachel Bovard, Conservative Partnership Institute's senior director of policy, joined the Glenn Beck radio program to give her thoughts and propose a possibly bipartisan alternative: enforcing our existing antitrust laws.

Watch the video below:

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

Dan Bongino, host of The Dan Bongino Show, is an investor in Parler — the social media platform that actually believes in free speech. Parler was attacked by Big Tech — namely Amazon, Apple, and Google — earlier this week, but Bongino says the company isn't giving up without a fight. In fact, he says, he's willing to go bankrupt over this one.

Dan joined Glenn Beck on the radio program to detail what he calls a "smear" campaign behind the scenes, and how he believes we can move forward from Big Tech's control.

"You have no idea how bad this was behind the scenes," Dan told Glenn. "I know you're probably thinking ... well, how much worse can the attack on Parler have gotten than three trillion-dollar companies — Amazon, Apple, and Google — all seemingly coordinated to remove your business from the face of the Earth? Well, behind the scenes, it's even worse. I mean, there are smear campaigns, pressure campaigns ... lawyers, bankers, everyone, to get this company ... wiped from the face of the earth. It's incredible."

Dan emphasized that he would not give up without a fight, because what's he's really fighting for is the right to free speech for all Americans, regardless of their political opinions, without fear of being banned, blacklisted, or losing jobs and businesses.

"I will go bankrupt. I will go absolutely destitute before I let this go," he said. "I have had some very scary moments in my life and they put horse blinders on me. I know what matters now. It's not money. It's not houses. It's none of that crap. It's this: the ability to exist in a free country, where you can express your ideas freely."

Watch the video below to hear more from Dan:

Want more from Glenn Beck?

To enjoy more of Glenn's masterful storytelling, thought-provoking analysis and uncanny ability to make sense of the chaos, subscribe to BlazeTV — the largest multi-platform network of voices who love America, defend the Constitution and live the American dream.

Joe Biden's administration is getting ready for something historic, but we're all being distracted. And now that Biden has hired at least 14 former or current executives from Big Tech — experts at colluding to censor unflattering news about Biden — Americans must be laser-focused on what's coming.

On January 20, the most corrupt president in American history will be inaugurated, and it looks like some of his cabinet choices were picked specifically so everything just – poof – goes away. The administration nominees appear to be all about preserving corruption, crony capitalism, and executing a Great Reset. Those same people also have one more thing in common: Ukraine.

On his Wednesday night special this week, Glenn exposes their radical agenda in their own words and gives U.S. senators the questions they must ask before confirming corrupt nominees to some of the highest offices in the country.


Freedom of speech is important. Here at BlazeTV, we work hard to bring you the truth from the most pro-America network in the country, free from Big Tech censors. Support free speech by supporting BlazeTV. Get our largest discount ever: $30 off a one-year subscription with code GLENN. Show your support and join us today!