FUSION JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2010
Slap Chop Claims Victim
Moms, are you tired of watching the same old commercials for kitchen gadgets and wondering, "How does no one get hurt with all that slicing and dicing?"
Dads, are you bored with watching yet another late-night pitchman swap out the mincing blade for the grating blade and thinking to yourself, "How hasn’t he cut off one of his fingers by now?"
Well, those days are over! Vince Offer, Mr. ShamWow! himself, has died as a result of injuries suffered at the hands of the incredible new Slap Chop!
But wait—there’s more!
Sure, lots of choppers with poorly made blades manufactured overseas with little to no safety or regulatory oversight seem needlessly dangerous, but how many of them actually are needlessly dangerous? Hello Slap Chop! Why, just ask Vince Offer. Oh, that’s right, you can’t, because he’s dead!
With the Slap Chop, Vince Offer showed us how quick and easy it is to dice, chop and mince almost anything in just seconds, including his radial artery! And now that the Broward County Coroner’s Office says he’s done that, he’ll never need to switch blades again—mostly because authorities say he drifted into shock shortly before he was discovered yesterday morning… lifeless on his kitchen floor. For- tunately, the Slap Chop is easy to clean and dish washer safe!
But that’s not all! Chop up vegeta-bles, nuts and fruits, quickly and easily! With every slap, the finer the food gets! After a while, it’s almost as if the Slap Chop has a lacerating mind of its own, seemingly cutting not what you want, but what it wants!
So what does a death machine masquerading as a kitchen helper like this cost? If Vince Offer hadn’t had his life snuffed out in the prime of his youth, he might wonder aloud, $100…$75…$50?
Not even close!
As a tribute to Vince Offer and his questionable past with drinking and prostitutes, we’re offering the Slap Chop for just $19.95 plus $7.95 shipping and handling! And because Vince Offer is survived by loving family and friends, we’re slashing prices in his honor! If you’re one of the first 100 people to attend his memorial service, we’re going to double this already incredible offer! That’s right, you’ll get a second Slap Chop absolutely FREE so you can share the risk with a friend! (Just pay for separate shipping and handling.)
As Vince Offer reminded us in his informative and entertaining Slap Chop infomercial (watch it anytime you like at www.officialslapchop.com), chopping onions is a lot like dealing with an untimely passing—"Life is hard enough as it is. You don’t want to cry anymore." So don’t! (And even if you did, let the tears flow. The Slap Chop’s blades are stainless steel!)
I’m sure as we deal with a promising career cut short, Vince would roll over in his grave (as if he was on the incredible Showtime Rotisserie & BBQ Oven!) if I didn’t remind you that, while it was the cause of his end, the Slap Chop is just the beginning for you! Make quick, easy and healthy omelets, pizza, salads, pasta dishes, and tacos for your whole family!
Operators and grief counselors are standing by—call now!
*Void where prohibited. Obit not valid in Ohio, New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Rhode Island and Delaware. Please wait 30 minutes after eating before going in the pool. The makers of Slap Chop cannot guarantee that you will suffer fatal injuries from their product. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Canadian orders add additional shipping. Graty not included.