Glenn talks to comedian Jeff Allen on radio

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Transcript of the interview is below:

GLENN: Anyway, so last night my wife and my daughter who doesn’t find anybody funny because she grew up around me and I’ve kind of wrecked it for her, she went to Restoring Love and she saw Jeff Allen and she came back and she said to me, “Dad, have you seen him?” And I said, “No, I just keep hearing he’s really funny.” And she said, “He is so funny. Dad, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe.” Now, she’s a 20‑something. My wife says the same thing. Tears are coming out of my eyes, he’s so funny. Then we went up to Freedom Works in Cincinnati and we sat there and we watched behind stage and he is just hysterical. And here’s the amazing thing: He’s on our side. That doesn’t happen. He’s on our side. And so I’ve invited him in for this week and he’s going to be with us on election night and he’s with us now. Hi, Jeff, how are you, sir?

ALLEN: Good morning, guys. I’ve got to tell you every time I make my wife sit down and watch something I do, she says, I’d rather have a spinal tap.

STU: Spinal taps could be enjoyable.

PAT: Once in a while.

ALLEN: It has its moments.

GLENN: My wife, my wife would give it to herself. She would just say, I’m just going to take a knife and I’m going to put it in the doorjamb and I’m going to back into it for the spinal tap.

ALLEN: (Laughing.)

GLENN: You ‑‑ you weren’t always conservative, or were you?

ALLEN: No. I grew up in Chicago. My father was a union guy. So politics was pretty simple: You vote Democrat or I’m tearing up your birth certificate.

GLENN: Right.

ALLEN: It’s either vote for the Dems or be disowned.

GLENN: Right. And what happened to you?

ALLEN: Well, I’ll tell you a quick story. I realized I was an idiot back in the…

GLENN: (Laughing.)

ALLEN: In the mid‑80s, somebody in New York ‑‑ I was working in New York in the clubs at Catch a Rising Star, some guy referred to Ronald Reagan as a capitalistic swine and there came a point on my way home I didn’t realize what the word “capitalist” meant. So I looked it up and that little voice that God gives us says, “Man, you’re an idiot. You make your living with words and you don’t even know what a basic word means.” And when I read what the word “capitalist” meant, I thought, gee, what’s wrong with that, you know? I didn’t understand why that was a bad thing to be associated with swine.

GLENN: And so you started to look into what things were and then you went out ‑‑ you went out and started revealing this to people?

ALLEN: Right, exactly, at a comedy club.

GLENN: That wasn’t really a smart idea.

ALLEN: Not at all. And I have all the tact of a bull in a China some. So…

GLENN: Why do you suppose that you can’t be cool and conservative? Why is that?

ALLEN: Well, it’s a narrative. And if you don’t fit the narrative, they’ve got to shut the narrative down. I believe that. So… and this was long before I was, you know, I became a person of faith. But ‑‑ so I don’t know. It was interesting to me. I had a guy, I was telling somebody once, I was really miserable. I was at a twelve‑step convention or something and I’m six or seven years in the program and ‑‑

GLENN: Convention? I didn’t know they had conventions.

ALLEN: Well, they had them. A bunch of drunks get together.

STU: It’s just called a keg party. That’s all that is.

GLENN: Yeah, doesn’t sound like a good idea. “Hey, let’s all go out of town!”

STU: Vegas!

GLENN: “Let’s go to some bars and some hookers!”

ALLEN: My last night of drinking I was in front of Graceland in and Memphis screaming for the king.

STU: Really?

ALLEN: And some guard comes out and says, “You’ll have to leave. You have to wait for the morning.” And I was like, “I was just wondering if Elvis left any Valium under the bushes. I’m a little jacked right now and I can’t get to sleep.”

GLENN: Really not good.

ALLEN: No.

GLENN: But then you stumbled on to us and you’ve been a fan of, like, More‑On Trivia and ‑‑

ALLEN: Oh, my God, I’m so glad you brought it back. It’s so nice to sit at home and feel so good about myself. I used to work in a mini‑mart. So I mean, I have an empathy for that, you know.

GLENN: How is that ‑‑ how did that work out for you?

ALLEN: Well, I worked the graveyard shift and I was manager. I want you to know that.

PAT: Wow. So impressive.

GLENN: You were just more than a shelf replenisher.

ALLEN: I was impressed until I got to work and found out I was the only guy there. I had to fire myself. I caught myself stealing a few times. What was interesting was because it was late at night, you get thighs guys that would come in and take you out of your meditative trance.

GLENN: Right.

ALLEN: You know, why am I such a loser and why am I worth where it’s at. And they go, “Hey, where are you keeping the SpaghettiO’s. Why don’t you and your friends get together and figure it out on your own. So then you get ‑‑ they pick the can up and start walking to the microwave and you would say, no one could be that stupid as to put a can into a microwave and then fire that thing up. Well, you know, the depths of ignorance in America never cease to amaze me. Not only do they turn it on, they put their face up against the glass and admire the sparks. So you’ve got to figure there’s someone three blocks away with a pacemaker pounding their chest like, “God, they’re cooking another can again. I hate this neighborhood.”

GLENN: How did you ‑‑ how long did you work in a convenience store?

ALLEN: A month.

GLENN: A month? And then where did you go from the convenience store?

ALLEN: Well, I found out it was the most dangerous job in America next to cop. So I just started turning the register around and leaving it open. I’m not dying for the Southland Corporation. You know, that’s what used to kill me about the shoplifters. They would put Twinkies in their pants and then walk around crunching, you know, because cellophane’s not the quietest material. And they go, “I don’t see anything I want. I’ll see you guys in the car.”

STU: You must feel like you have a high level of cleanliness if you’re willing to eat Twinkies out of your pants. That’s not something I’d be willing to attempt.

GLENN: I don’t know if you’re that picky if you’re stealing the Twinkies.

STU: No?

GLENN: From the 7‑11 that Jeff is working.

ALLEN: At the price they charge that’s actually a felony.

GLENN: So you went in and you cleaned yourself up because you and I have a lot in common.

ALLEN: Yeah.

GLENN: You don’t need to say it that way.

ALLEN: Well, yeah, we do. It’s so funny listening to your story, say that’s me.

GLENN: Yeah.

ALLEN: Say there’s a twin.

GLENN: It’s amazing how much, you know, I’m just guessing, how much you think you hated the world and then when you sober up, you realize, wow, I just hate me. The world’s pretty great. People are pretty great.

ALLEN: Yeah. It was interesting. I had ‑‑ and I’m not dropping names but I had one night where I worked with Seinfeld back before his sitcom at a college and we got stuck talking waiting for our checks. And I was miserable. I mean, you know, so after about an hour he says, “Can I say something to you?” And I go, yeah, please. And he goes, and all your complaints. Believe me, there was a myriad of them, I never heard you complain about how hard you work on your act.” He said, “This is a small business. You take care of your craft; the business will take care of you.” And I thought that was one of the most profound things I had ever heard. And I go, are you in a twelve‑step program? And he goes, “No, it’s common sense.”

GLENN: So you were sober at the time?

ALLEN: I was, I was ‑‑ yeah, believe me I was not a poster boy for the twelve‑step program, you know.

GLENN: Right. You were going to the ‑‑ you were going to the ‑‑

ALLEN: I was going to the meetings.

GLENN: The weekend conventions.

ALLEN: They tell me, you lie, you die. So I would raise my hands and go, I don’t like you, I don’t like you and I don’t like you, you know. I’m telling the truth. After about a year and a half, some little old lady comes up to me, sticks her finger in my navel and goes, “You know something, young man? Can I say something to you? Maybe the problem is not your wife.”

GLENN: Did you really, I mean, you ‑‑ at one point before you sobered up, because we were talking just a minute ago and I said that my wife watched the show last night and she ‑‑ and you made her laugh. And my favorite thing with Tania, I love taking her to a funny movie. I used to love watching The Office with her because it made her laugh. And so she used to think I was funny. She used to laugh. I don’t know if your wife has stopped. Pat’s wife gave up on that how many years ago?

PAT: 20.

GLENN: Yeah.

PAT: At least 20.

GLENN: Wait a minute. How many have you been married?

PAT: 20 1/2.

GLENN: As soon as ‑‑ I don’t know what it is. As soon as you get married, your wife stops thinking you’re funny.

ALLEN: Well, that’s it and I get the look. That’s what I call it, the look. I told you the other day I’m running some jokes by Tammy and I realized two minutes into it, I go, you know what, babe, I’m going to call you back. I’m going to call somebody who appreciates me. But what I love is Pat, every time Pat does Al Gore, she falls out of her chair. And it’s interesting because in 2000 when he would come on the TV, she wouldn’t say things like, “Oh, I can’t stand this guy, I hate…” she would just mute the television. In the middle of a conversation, his voice would come over our TV, she would reach for the remote, mute him, and then start talking to me. And then when he stopped talking, she would unmute the TV. But every time Pat does Gore, she falls out of her chair. So…

GLENN: So wait. Hang on just a second. What I’m learning from the story is your wife wasn’t really listening to you.

ALLEN: Not at all.

GLENN: If she’s muting the TV, she’s like ‑‑ and then turning it back on in the middle of your conversation.

ALLEN: Right. Exactly.

GLENN: She’s really just kind of looking your way.

ALLEN: That’s it.

GLENN: Yeah.

ALLEN: She’s in the room.

GLENN: What does she do?

ALLEN: She shows dogs and…

GLENN: What, are you ‑‑ what, are you like ‑‑

PAT: She shows dogs what? What does she show them?

ALLEN: She’s a dog handler.

PAT: Look, dog, here’s a bone.

ALLEN: If you’ve ever seen the movie Best in Show, that’s my wife’s life.

GLENN: Really?

ALLEN: That’s it.

GLENN: So I thought you were poor at one point.

ALLEN: We were. She was making money.

GLENN: No, but I mean that’s not something that, like ‑‑ I mean ‑‑

ALLEN: We were poor. My kids ‑‑

GLENN: It’s like all of a sudden I’m talking to Ann Romney over here.

ALLEN: My kid came home one day and said, are we poor? I go, no, we’re broke, man. There’s a big difference. We got stuff. We can’t pay for it but we got stuff.

GLENN: All right. Jeff is going to be joining us this week on television I think tomorrow. Aren’t we doing a full hour?

ALLEN: I believe so.

GLENN: With you? And he is, he’s a guy who ‑‑

ALLEN: That’s unless your inbox gets flooded today.

GLENN: But you were a guy who, you didn’t pay attention to politics. In fact, I want to come back and just ask you quickly about what you said to the Republicans. Because I think this is ‑‑ I think this is where most Americans are, at least most conservative Americans are on what you said to the Republicans and I think it’s so important. But we’re going to spend some time with Jeffy because I think he has a ‑‑ I think he has an important role to play in the healing of America and the future of America. If we don’t grab onto the culture and we don’t find people that our friends and neighbors who may disagree with us don’t find, you know, funny. You know, we need people to be able to come into our tent and say, “that guy’s really funny.” He’s conservative? Really? And they start thinking of conservatives differently. That’s really all the left has. They’ve got Jon Stewart. You lose Jon Stewart, you lose the movie, they got nothing. They’re nothing but a bunch of killers. That’s all that’s left. And we’ve got the truth on our side. We have compassion on our side. We just need some funny people and some people that understand culture and entertainment. And Jeff is one of those guys. But back with him in just a second.

BREAK

GLENN: Back with Jeff Allen and Jeff is ‑‑ I asked him last night if he was a Republican and you said the Republicans have been hounding you for cash and donations.

ALLEN: Well, I made a mistake of sending them money a number of years ago. So I’m on the list. So about the third call this year I said to them, stop calling me. Take me off the list. I said, you blew it. You had eight years and you blew it. So every candidate that I want to send money to has their own website. I can go on the website and I can send them money. I don’t need you people to distribute my money. You blew it. So stop calling me.

GLENN: It’s really, it’s amazing.

PAT: Good.

GLENN: That is ‑‑

PAT: Good.

GLENN: ‑‑ the answer.

PAT: Yeah.

GLENN: And I think that’s the way people are now because we don’t need the parties to tell us. We can do our own ‑‑ we can do our own homework now.

ALLEN: Absolutely, you know, and Josh Mandel and Murdoch and all those people have their own websites. So…

GLENN: What do you think’s going to, who ‑‑ what do you think’s going to happen Tuesday?

ALLEN: I’m with you. I really think that there’s a grassroots move ‑‑ they have no clue.

GLENN: They have no clue what’s coming.

ALLEN: It’s a tsunami. You look at 2010. They didn’t see that coming.

GLENN: Are you ‑‑ are you fasting?

ALLEN: I am, yeah.

GLENN: Are you really?

ALLEN: I said, we had the con ‑‑ I said I just want to know when it ends. Does it end on Tuesday or do I have to wait until Wednesday because ‑‑

GLENN: Oh, no, it ends Tuesday.

PAT: Tuesday night.

GLENN: I’ve decided the first ‑‑ Tuesday night?

PAT: Yeah.

GLENN: The first poll ‑‑

PAT: Well, I think when the polls close, right?

GLENN: The first poll that closes.

ALLEN: Good.

STU: Pat’s been saying when the polls close in Texas.

PAT: Several times. Yeah, several times.

ALLEN: Well, I’m coming in a Cinnabon neck lace, I just want you to know.

GLENN: You got the Central part of the country. You really only have to fast for ‑‑ you got the Central. You know you’re going to lose the West. So you don’t have to worry about that one. You know you got the Central. God doesn’t need to work any miracles. His miracles all need to be in Ohio and Florida and ‑‑

STU: Because Nevada’s not an important state at all. No, no.

GLENN: There’s casinos in there. God hasn’t looked at Nevada for years.

STU: Be interested to hear about that.

  • http://www.artinphoenix.com/gallery/grimm snowleopard (cat folk gallery)

    The just shall live by faith – God is in control and in absolute command; we are seeing miracles and will see more large and small.

  • Draxx

    snowleopard, one of the biggest flaws of the human race is we “Believe” we are in Control (all illusion), but as most intelligent people know, this is a Fact of Life… 

  • Draxx

    One thing I really like about this commentary is…

    It shows how much a Little Laughing can make You Feel Good, there is always going to be hardships but if you can avoid letting it drag you into the dirt.  You can see some of the Lighter/Brighter Things that this wonderful earth has to offer.  We all can have better days if people left problems at home, and tried to relax/enjoy and/or make your work a challenge that makes you feel like you accomplished something.  The Nicest People I Know, go to work and work hard and come home smelling like they have worked hard, but they smile and laugh with the family when they are home.  You can Quote Me, “Peace, Is Only A State Of Mind…”

  • http://youtu.be/ff8jDkOHp3U Sam Fisher

    He funny too bad the liberals will not let him anywhere near a mic. Left wing tolerance is a joke.

  • Anonymous

    If Obama gets reelected America will be a weeping Nation, no comedian will be able to get them to even crack a smile.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/ZV2FPAVKMPJZFXQGDESOFQCIQE Maggie

    I thoroughly enjoyed the interview and the show with the hour interview. Looking forward to seeing more of Jeff Allen on the Blaze.  Funny guy!