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There are certain key phrases that you shouldn’t put in an e-mail if you don’t want the Feds to read it. Gray area, coverup, nobody will find out, do not volunteer information, write‑off, failed investment, off the books, they owe it to me, not ethical, and illegal. All of these will send up red flags. So, of course, Pat decided to write a fake letter and put all of these phrases in there and send it to Glenn, just to mess with him. What did they come up with?

Dear Ahmed,

I’m sitting here gazing up at a cloudy gray area of the sky wondering how to cover up this blemish that I have on my nose.  As a dermatologist, I thought you might have an idea of what I could use so nobody will find out that I’ve broken out again like a teenager.  If you do not volunteer the information, I’ll probably have to see a specialist. 

Up until yesterday, I’ve been using Clearasil on it but I realized that I can write off that failed investment of $4.99 because it didn’t work. 

I wasn’t able to use the cream you prescribed for me last week because I put the jar on top of some books at my parents’ house and wouldn’t you know it, I bumped into the table that those books were sitting on and a jar fell off the books and onto the floor and broke. 

My parents said that since I loaned them $20 last month, they would be happy to pay for a new prescription because they owe it to me. But I told them I wasn’t sure if it was not ethical to provide the medication again so soon.

Anyway, if you can call me on that, please call in the Walgreens at Fourth and Main as I have found that that to get the one on 29th and Main, you have to make an illegal U‑turn at the light, and I don’t want to do that. 

Thanks again.  Whatever you can do, Dr. Ahmed.