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Today is the big day and callers from all over the country shared their oh-so tragic sequestration stories. From extra clouds rolling in to the four horses of the apocalypse rounding people up, callers were suffering through the devastating effects of those massive 2% government cuts a cut of a spending increase, by the way.

“Well, I hope I can be okay. If John Boehner steps up and does something because my ‑‑ I’ll tell you what happened. My fake online girlfriend’s brother texted me and said that if this sequester goes through, the hospital’s going to have to pull the plug on her,” said one caller. “She has malignant acne. It’s horrible and she’s dyin’ and they’re going to have to pull the plug. John Boehner, I’ve got a message for you! You better step up and do something because her fake [ BLEEP ] is in your hands.”

“John Boehner, you’re a bastard if you don’t do it. Please save her,” Glenn said.