What do you get when you take a fedora, some jazz, a legless prostitute and mix it in with the latest soon-to-be-failure to come out of the White House? You get an early frontrunner for best Glenn Beck monologue of 2014…and a pretty solid lesson on why MyRA is destined to fail.

In the clip, Glenn throws on a trench coat and a fedora to tell the story of Mr. Lucky, a desperate casino owner whose establishment had long since seen better days.

One day, a guy named Sam walked into Lucky’s casino looking to make a deal. He had a new kind of machine to turn “Lucky’s” around, Miss MyRA. He sensed Mr. Lucky’s desperation, promising a no risk investment opportunity that would pay off big time down the road if Mr. Lucky would just hand over his savings.

Mr. Lucky hesitated knowing Sam was flat broke, didn’t have so much as a pot to pee in. But desperation took hold and signed on with Miss MyRA.

Sam promised the money would be safe with him, he would be the only one with access. Just to be safe.

A few years roll by, and Mr. Lucky’s situation went from bad to worse. Miss MyRA was a hit at first, but pretty soon it stopped paying out. It wasn’t long before “Lucky’s” was closed for good and old Mr. Lucky was off marrying a legless prostitute named Charlie, having learned a painful lesson: A guarantee is only as good as the person who is holding it, and if it sounds too good to be true it probably us.

Did you follow all that? Or did you skip right to the end? Either way, just watch the video:

CORRECTION: This story originally had referenced the noir style Glenn was emulating was from 1920s, it was actually 1940s.