Parents of elementary school students in Nebraska are up in arms after fifth grade students at Zeman Elementary School were sent home with a “flyer” outlining some bizarre best practices for dealing with bullies. Concerned parents have called the worksheet, which outlines nine “rules” on how to handle bullies, “ludicrous,” and the school district has since apologized for disseminating the “inaccurate information.” On radio this morning, Glenn ran through the nine rules and couldn’t help but question “how this could possibly happen” in Nebraska.

Check out the full list of rules and their descriptions below:

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Rule #1: Refuse to get mad

“I’m waiting for Pat to comment on that [as] a guy who kind of understands,” Glenn said. “I could go the scripture route, but why not go the Yoda route?”

Pat employed his best Yoda impression to react to that particular rule.

“Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering,” Pat said.

Rule #2: Treat the person who is mean to you as if they are trying to help you

“That’s the worst advice I’ve ever heard,” Glenn said flatly. “That’s just stupid.”

Rule #3: Don’t be afraid

Glenn actually found himself agreeing with, to some degree, the description offered for Rule #3, which states: “Since the bully wants to keep winning, they will continue to do things that make you feel afraid.”

“I actually kind of agree with the last sentence,” Glenn said.

Rule #4: Do not verbally defend yourself

“Who wrote this,” Glenn asked.

“So you can’t [defend yourself] verbally or physically, I think, in this thing,” Pat noted.

Rule #5: Do not attack

Since we now know you should be considering the bully that is abusing a friend not an enemy, you absolutely cannot fight back. After all, as per the flyer, “we attack enemies, not friends.”

Rule #6: If someone physically hurts you, just show you are hurt; do not get angry

“Nothing shuts a bully down more,” Stu joked. “So you just curl up in a ball and cry. I think curling up in a ball is too much because that’s protecting yourself. I think maybe you should sit there and sprawl out.”

Rule #7: Do not tell on bullies

Glenn couldn’t help but notice that the advice accompanying Rule #7 actually negates Rule #6.

“Wait. This is great. Listen so this advice. It violates rule number 7. ‘Telling on a bully makes the bully want to retaliate,’” Glenn read. “[But] the one who retaliates is the one who actually started the fight – I learned that in rule Number 5… Who wrote this?”

Rule #8: Don’t be a sore loser

Rule #9: Learn to laugh at yourself and not get “hooked” by putdowns

“That’s the only decent advice given in the whole thing, if you can pull it off,” Pat noticed. “It might piss them off even more, and they might keep smashing you in the face. But…”

In response to parents’ outrage over the “advice,” Lincoln Public Schools issued an apology on its Facebook page, in which they “apologize for any problems or confusion this has caused for students and families.”

“That’s as dumb a worksheet as I’ve ever seen,” Pat concluded. “Do you want your kids going to this school?”

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