Why does Pat have such a vendetta against pool noodles?

Summer is now upon us, and Glenn has a family vacation planned at their ranch in the coming weeks. On radio this morning, Glenn reflected on the simplicity of life in the small farming community and the fact that his children have found ways to keep themselves entertained without modern technology. That led Pat to sound off on his frustrations with today’s society – including a deep-seated hatred of pool noodles.

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“So it’s almost time for vacations to start all around the country. I don’t know what you have planned for vacation, but we are going up to the farm and just kind of hanging out with the cows. I thought my kids would really have a hard time hanging out with nothing, literally nothing to do… [But] it is actually our favorite thing to do,” Glenn explained. “You would be surprised, if you just leave them outside with nothing but rocks and sticks, how many things they find to do with just rocks and sticks.”

Pat was quick to point out that one of the pitfalls of modern technology is the constant stimulation it has provided. Kids are so used to being entertained 24/7, they struggle to cope when things aren’t planned out to a tee.

“It’s just they don’t experience that anymore because we’re so used to providing every second,” Pat said. “You have to buy those pool noodles for them, so you could have a backyard water park.”

“What’s wrong with the pool noodles,” Stu interjected. “You led your argument with anti-noodle propaganda.”

“I never had pool noodles when I was a kid,” Pat explained. “I never once had a pool noodle in my celebration of summertime. I might have had a tennis racket.”

As it turns out, Pat doesn’t just have an issue with the now ubiquitous pool toy. He is equally frustrated with how far out of the way we go to accommodate everyone.

“When you invite kids over, you have to have the popsicles – not just the pool noodles, but the vegan popsicles,” Pat continued. “You have to serve food without nitrates or skin on it or meat in it or any kind of attitude. You have to have a taste-free hotdogs made out of turkey, gluten-free buns… Do you have peanut butter? You could kill someone.”

It didn’t take long, however, for Glenn to get to the root of Pat’s anger.

“You know what this is? This is Pat living with his wife,” Glenn reasoned. “Because all of that stuff, I’ve heard her say. I’ve heard her say almost all of that. That’s all her.”

“Yes. Additives, nitrates… I can’t remember the last time I saw a hotdog in our house,” Pat lamented. “We don’t have actual hotdogs from pigs or even cows. We don’t have an all-beef hotdog. No hotdogs anywhere near our home anymore. It’s probably been five years.”

Listen to the full episode:

  • Chris Stone

    Hebrew National. Great dog and it’s kosher, so it’s only good stuff in there.

  • Rebekah

    This is idiotic and a perfect example of why Glen/the Blaze aren’t taken seriously by moderate Americans.

    • http://batman-news.com Doug

      You leftist nazi’s hate others opinions, don’t you? Your kind despises free speech.

    • Anonymous

      I am sure you NEVER read any whimsy in the Huffpo.

    • kristin

      Who are you to speak for “moderate Americans”? you are only one person.

    • Lori Lynne

      And yet you read it?

  • Jessica

    There was ready an entire blog made about this. Word for word. I read it the other day in fact.

  • Anonymous

    When I was a kid a pool noodle would have been great. At that time there was only a garden hose and a couple of buckets. Had to squirt cold water at everyone within reach and duck under the rotating sprinkler.

  • Rich

    .. no words for this article…

  • mimilundgren

    Is this comedic relief? FAIL

  • ken.

    i also have a problem with people playing with their noodles in the pool! sorry but a stupid article like this deserves a response like that.

  • Mike Crichton

    More dangerous to liberty than the notion of merit-based rewards is the notion of “distributive justice”; a notion that requires each of us be subjected to centralized control.

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