Glenn talks to comedian Jeff Allen on radio

November 01, 2012

Writer

Transcript of the interview is below:

GLENN: Anyway, so last night my wife and my daughter who doesn't find anybody funny because she grew up around me and I've kind of wrecked it for her, she went to Restoring Love and she saw Jeff Allen and she came back and she said to me, "Dad, have you seen him?" And I said, "No, I just keep hearing he's really funny." And she said, "He is so funny. Dad, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe." Now, she's a 20‑something. My wife says the same thing. Tears are coming out of my eyes, he's so funny. Then we went up to Freedom Works in Cincinnati and we sat there and we watched behind stage and he is just hysterical. And here's the amazing thing: He's on our side. That doesn't happen. He's on our side. And so I've invited him in for this week and he's going to be with us on election night and he's with us now. Hi, Jeff, how are you, sir?

ALLEN: Good morning, guys. I've got to tell you every time I make my wife sit down and watch something I do, she says, I'd rather have a spinal tap.

STU: Spinal taps could be enjoyable.

PAT: Once in a while.

ALLEN: It has its moments.

GLENN: My wife, my wife would give it to herself. She would just say, I'm just going to take a knife and I'm going to put it in the doorjamb and I'm going to back into it for the spinal tap.

ALLEN: (Laughing.)

GLENN: You ‑‑ you weren't always conservative, or were you?

ALLEN: No. I grew up in Chicago. My father was a union guy. So politics was pretty simple: You vote Democrat or I'm tearing up your birth certificate.

GLENN: Right.

ALLEN: It's either vote for the Dems or be disowned.

GLENN: Right. And what happened to you?

ALLEN: Well, I'll tell you a quick story. I realized I was an idiot back in the...

GLENN: (Laughing.)

ALLEN: In the mid‑80s, somebody in New York ‑‑ I was working in New York in the clubs at Catch a Rising Star, some guy referred to Ronald Reagan as a capitalistic swine and there came a point on my way home I didn't realize what the word "capitalist" meant. So I looked it up and that little voice that God gives us says, "Man, you're an idiot. You make your living with words and you don't even know what a basic word means." And when I read what the word "capitalist" meant, I thought, gee, what's wrong with that, you know? I didn't understand why that was a bad thing to be associated with swine.

GLENN: And so you started to look into what things were and then you went out ‑‑ you went out and started revealing this to people?

ALLEN: Right, exactly, at a comedy club.

GLENN: That wasn't really a smart idea.

ALLEN: Not at all. And I have all the tact of a bull in a China some. So...

GLENN: Why do you suppose that you can't be cool and conservative? Why is that?

ALLEN: Well, it's a narrative. And if you don't fit the narrative, they've got to shut the narrative down. I believe that. So... and this was long before I was, you know, I became a person of faith. But ‑‑ so I don't know. It was interesting to me. I had a guy, I was telling somebody once, I was really miserable. I was at a twelve‑step convention or something and I'm six or seven years in the program and ‑‑

GLENN: Convention? I didn't know they had conventions.

ALLEN: Well, they had them. A bunch of drunks get together.

STU: It's just called a keg party. That's all that is.

GLENN: Yeah, doesn't sound like a good idea. "Hey, let's all go out of town!"

STU: Vegas!

GLENN: "Let's go to some bars and some hookers!"

ALLEN: My last night of drinking I was in front of Graceland in and Memphis screaming for the king.

STU: Really?

ALLEN: And some guard comes out and says, "You'll have to leave. You have to wait for the morning." And I was like, "I was just wondering if Elvis left any Valium under the bushes. I'm a little jacked right now and I can't get to sleep."

GLENN: Really not good.

ALLEN: No.

GLENN: But then you stumbled on to us and you've been a fan of, like, More‑On Trivia and ‑‑

ALLEN: Oh, my God, I'm so glad you brought it back. It's so nice to sit at home and feel so good about myself. I used to work in a mini‑mart. So I mean, I have an empathy for that, you know.

GLENN: How is that ‑‑ how did that work out for you?

ALLEN: Well, I worked the graveyard shift and I was manager. I want you to know that.

PAT: Wow. So impressive.

GLENN: You were just more than a shelf replenisher.

ALLEN: I was impressed until I got to work and found out I was the only guy there. I had to fire myself. I caught myself stealing a few times. What was interesting was because it was late at night, you get thighs guys that would come in and take you out of your meditative trance.

GLENN: Right.

ALLEN: You know, why am I such a loser and why am I worth where it's at. And they go, "Hey, where are you keeping the SpaghettiO's. Why don't you and your friends get together and figure it out on your own. So then you get ‑‑ they pick the can up and start walking to the microwave and you would say, no one could be that stupid as to put a can into a microwave and then fire that thing up. Well, you know, the depths of ignorance in America never cease to amaze me. Not only do they turn it on, they put their face up against the glass and admire the sparks. So you've got to figure there's someone three blocks away with a pacemaker pounding their chest like, "God, they're cooking another can again. I hate this neighborhood."

GLENN: How did you ‑‑ how long did you work in a convenience store?

ALLEN: A month.

GLENN: A month? And then where did you go from the convenience store?

ALLEN: Well, I found out it was the most dangerous job in America next to cop. So I just started turning the register around and leaving it open. I'm not dying for the Southland Corporation. You know, that's what used to kill me about the shoplifters. They would put Twinkies in their pants and then walk around crunching, you know, because cellophane's not the quietest material. And they go, "I don't see anything I want. I'll see you guys in the car."

STU: You must feel like you have a high level of cleanliness if you're willing to eat Twinkies out of your pants. That's not something I'd be willing to attempt.

GLENN: I don't know if you're that picky if you're stealing the Twinkies.

STU: No?

GLENN: From the 7‑11 that Jeff is working.

ALLEN: At the price they charge that's actually a felony.

GLENN: So you went in and you cleaned yourself up because you and I have a lot in common.

ALLEN: Yeah.

GLENN: You don't need to say it that way.

ALLEN: Well, yeah, we do. It's so funny listening to your story, say that's me.

GLENN: Yeah.

ALLEN: Say there's a twin.

GLENN: It's amazing how much, you know, I'm just guessing, how much you think you hated the world and then when you sober up, you realize, wow, I just hate me. The world's pretty great. People are pretty great.

ALLEN: Yeah. It was interesting. I had ‑‑ and I'm not dropping names but I had one night where I worked with Seinfeld back before his sitcom at a college and we got stuck talking waiting for our checks. And I was miserable. I mean, you know, so after about an hour he says, "Can I say something to you?" And I go, yeah, please. And he goes, and all your complaints. Believe me, there was a myriad of them, I never heard you complain about how hard you work on your act." He said, "This is a small business. You take care of your craft; the business will take care of you." And I thought that was one of the most profound things I had ever heard. And I go, are you in a twelve‑step program? And he goes, "No, it's common sense."

GLENN: So you were sober at the time?

ALLEN: I was, I was ‑‑ yeah, believe me I was not a poster boy for the twelve‑step program, you know.

GLENN: Right. You were going to the ‑‑ you were going to the ‑‑

ALLEN: I was going to the meetings.

GLENN: The weekend conventions.

ALLEN: They tell me, you lie, you die. So I would raise my hands and go, I don't like you, I don't like you and I don't like you, you know. I'm telling the truth. After about a year and a half, some little old lady comes up to me, sticks her finger in my navel and goes, "You know something, young man? Can I say something to you? Maybe the problem is not your wife."

GLENN: Did you really, I mean, you ‑‑ at one point before you sobered up, because we were talking just a minute ago and I said that my wife watched the show last night and she ‑‑ and you made her laugh. And my favorite thing with Tania, I love taking her to a funny movie. I used to love watching The Office with her because it made her laugh. And so she used to think I was funny. She used to laugh. I don't know if your wife has stopped. Pat's wife gave up on that how many years ago?

PAT: 20.

GLENN: Yeah.

PAT: At least 20.

GLENN: Wait a minute. How many have you been married?

PAT: 20 1/2.

GLENN: As soon as ‑‑ I don't know what it is. As soon as you get married, your wife stops thinking you're funny.

ALLEN: Well, that's it and I get the look. That's what I call it, the look. I told you the other day I'm running some jokes by Tammy and I realized two minutes into it, I go, you know what, babe, I'm going to call you back. I'm going to call somebody who appreciates me. But what I love is Pat, every time Pat does Al Gore, she falls out of her chair. And it's interesting because in 2000 when he would come on the TV, she wouldn't say things like, "Oh, I can't stand this guy, I hate..." she would just mute the television. In the middle of a conversation, his voice would come over our TV, she would reach for the remote, mute him, and then start talking to me. And then when he stopped talking, she would unmute the TV. But every time Pat does Gore, she falls out of her chair. So...

GLENN: So wait. Hang on just a second. What I'm learning from the story is your wife wasn't really listening to you.

ALLEN: Not at all.

GLENN: If she's muting the TV, she's like ‑‑ and then turning it back on in the middle of your conversation.

ALLEN: Right. Exactly.

GLENN: She's really just kind of looking your way.

ALLEN: That's it.

GLENN: Yeah.

ALLEN: She's in the room.

GLENN: What does she do?

ALLEN: She shows dogs and...

GLENN: What, are you ‑‑ what, are you like ‑‑

PAT: She shows dogs what? What does she show them?

ALLEN: She's a dog handler.

PAT: Look, dog, here's a bone.

ALLEN: If you've ever seen the movie Best in Show, that's my wife's life.

GLENN: Really?

ALLEN: That's it.

GLENN: So I thought you were poor at one point.

ALLEN: We were. She was making money.

GLENN: No, but I mean that's not something that, like ‑‑ I mean ‑‑

ALLEN: We were poor. My kids ‑‑

GLENN: It's like all of a sudden I'm talking to Ann Romney over here.

ALLEN: My kid came home one day and said, are we poor? I go, no, we're broke, man. There's a big difference. We got stuff. We can't pay for it but we got stuff.

GLENN: All right. Jeff is going to be joining us this week on television I think tomorrow. Aren't we doing a full hour?

ALLEN: I believe so.

GLENN: With you? And he is, he's a guy who ‑‑

ALLEN: That's unless your inbox gets flooded today.

GLENN: But you were a guy who, you didn't pay attention to politics. In fact, I want to come back and just ask you quickly about what you said to the Republicans. Because I think this is ‑‑ I think this is where most Americans are, at least most conservative Americans are on what you said to the Republicans and I think it's so important. But we're going to spend some time with Jeffy because I think he has a ‑‑ I think he has an important role to play in the healing of America and the future of America. If we don't grab onto the culture and we don't find people that our friends and neighbors who may disagree with us don't find, you know, funny. You know, we need people to be able to come into our tent and say, "that guy's really funny." He's conservative? Really? And they start thinking of conservatives differently. That's really all the left has. They've got Jon Stewart. You lose Jon Stewart, you lose the movie, they got nothing. They're nothing but a bunch of killers. That's all that's left. And we've got the truth on our side. We have compassion on our side. We just need some funny people and some people that understand culture and entertainment. And Jeff is one of those guys. But back with him in just a second.

BREAK

GLENN: Back with Jeff Allen and Jeff is ‑‑ I asked him last night if he was a Republican and you said the Republicans have been hounding you for cash and donations.

ALLEN: Well, I made a mistake of sending them money a number of years ago. So I'm on the list. So about the third call this year I said to them, stop calling me. Take me off the list. I said, you blew it. You had eight years and you blew it. So every candidate that I want to send money to has their own website. I can go on the website and I can send them money. I don't need you people to distribute my money. You blew it. So stop calling me.

GLENN: It's really, it's amazing.

PAT: Good.

GLENN: That is ‑‑

PAT: Good.

GLENN: ‑‑ the answer.

PAT: Yeah.

GLENN: And I think that's the way people are now because we don't need the parties to tell us. We can do our own ‑‑ we can do our own homework now.

ALLEN: Absolutely, you know, and Josh Mandel and Murdoch and all those people have their own websites. So...

GLENN: What do you think's going to, who ‑‑ what do you think's going to happen Tuesday?

ALLEN: I'm with you. I really think that there's a grassroots move ‑‑ they have no clue.

GLENN: They have no clue what's coming.

ALLEN: It's a tsunami. You look at 2010. They didn't see that coming.

GLENN: Are you ‑‑ are you fasting?

ALLEN: I am, yeah.

GLENN: Are you really?

ALLEN: I said, we had the con ‑‑ I said I just want to know when it ends. Does it end on Tuesday or do I have to wait until Wednesday because ‑‑

GLENN: Oh, no, it ends Tuesday.

PAT: Tuesday night.

GLENN: I've decided the first ‑‑ Tuesday night?

PAT: Yeah.

GLENN: The first poll ‑‑

PAT: Well, I think when the polls close, right?

GLENN: The first poll that closes.

ALLEN: Good.

STU: Pat's been saying when the polls close in Texas.

PAT: Several times. Yeah, several times.

ALLEN: Well, I'm coming in a Cinnabon neck lace, I just want you to know.

GLENN: You got the Central part of the country. You really only have to fast for ‑‑ you got the Central. You know you're going to lose the West. So you don't have to worry about that one. You know you got the Central. God doesn't need to work any miracles. His miracles all need to be in Ohio and Florida and ‑‑

STU: Because Nevada's not an important state at all. No, no.

GLENN: There's casinos in there. God hasn't looked at Nevada for years.

STU: Be interested to hear about that.

EXPOSED: Your tax dollars FUND Marxist riots in LA

Anadolu / Contributor | Getty Images

Protesters wore Che shirts, waved foreign flags, and chanted Marxist slogans — but corporate media still peddles the ‘spontaneous outrage’ narrative.

I sat in front of the television this weekend, watching the glittering spectacle of corporate media do what it does best: tell me not to believe my lying eyes.

According to the polished news anchors, what I was witnessing in Los Angeles was “mostly peaceful protests.” They said it with all the earnest gravitas of someone reading a bedtime story, while behind them the streets looked like a deleted scene from “Mad Max.” Federal agents dodged concrete slabs as if it were an Olympic sport. A man in a Che Guevara crop top tried to set a police car on fire. Dumpster fires lit the night sky like some sort of postapocalyptic luau.

If you suggest that violent criminals should be deported or imprisoned, you’re painted as the extremist.

But sure, it was peaceful. Tear gas clouds and Molotov cocktails are apparently the incense and candles of this new civic religion.

The media expects us to play along — to nod solemnly while cities burn and to call it “activism.”

Let’s call this what it is: delusion.

Another ‘peaceful’ riot

If the Titanic “mostly floated” and the Hindenburg “mostly flew,” then yes, the latest L.A. riots are “mostly peaceful.” But history tends to care about those tiny details at the end — like icebergs and explosions.

The coverage was full of phrases like “spontaneous,” “grassroots,” and “organic,” as if these protests materialized from thin air. But many of the signs and banners looked like they’d been run off at ComradesKinkos.com — crisp print jobs with slogans promoting socialism, communism, and various anti-American regimes. Palestinian flags waved beside banners from Mexico, Venezuela, Cuba, and El Salvador. It was like someone looted a United Nations souvenir shop and turned it into a revolution starter pack.

And guess who funded it? You did.

According to at least one report, much of this so-called spontaneous rage fest was paid for with your tax dollars. Tens of millions of dollars from the Biden administration ensured your paycheck funded Trotsky cosplayers chucking firebombs at local coffee shops.

The same aging radicals from the 1970s — now armed with tenure, pensions, and book deals — are cheering from the sidelines, waxing poetic about how burning a squad car is “liberation.” These are the same folks who once wore tie-dye and flew to help guerrilla fighters and now applaud chaos under the banner of “progress.”

This is not progress. It is not protest. It’s certainly not justice or peace.

It’s an attempt to dismantle the American system — and if you dare say that out loud, you’re labeled a bigot, a fascist, or, worst of all, someone who notices reality.

And what sparked this taxpayer-funded riot? Enforcement against illegal immigrants — many of whom, according to official arrest records, are repeat violent offenders. These are not the “dreamers” or the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. These are criminals with long, violent rap sheets — allowed to remain free by a broken system that prioritizes ideology over public safety.

Photo by Kyle Grillot/Bloomberg | Getty Images

This is what people are rioting over — not the mistreatment of the innocent, but the arrest of the guilty. And in California, that’s apparently a cause for outrage.

The average American, according to Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass, is supposed to worry they’ll be next. But unless you’re in the habit of assaulting people, smuggling, or firing guns into people’s homes, you probably don’t have much to fear.

Still, if you suggest that violent criminals should be deported or imprisoned, you’re painted as the extremist.

The left has lost it

This is what happens when a culture loses its grip on reality. We begin to call arson “art,” lawlessness “liberation,” and criminals “community members.” We burn the good and excuse the evil — all while the media insists it’s just “vibes.”

But it’s not just vibes. It’s violence, paid for by you, endorsed by your elected officials, and whitewashed by newsrooms with more concern for hair and lighting than for truth.

This isn’t activism. This is anarchism. And Democratic politicians are fueling the flame.

This article originally appeared on TheBlaze.com.

Glenn Beck's 'No King but Christ' merch: Will faith STOP the chaos?

On Saturday, June 14, 2025 (President Trump's 79th birthday), the "No Kings" protest—a noisy spectacle orchestrated by progressive heavyweights like Randi Weingarten and her union cronies—will take place in Washington, D.C.

Thousands will chant "no thrones, no crowns, no king," claiming to fend off authoritarianism and corruption.

But let’s cut through the noise. The protesters' grievances—rigged courts, deported citizens, slashed services—are a house of cards. Zero Americans have been deported, Federal services are still bloated, and if anyone is rigging the courts, it's the Left. So why rally now, especially with riots already flaring in L.A.?

Chaos isn’t a side effect here—it’s the plan.

This is not about liberty; it's a power grab dressed up as resistance. The "No Kings" crowd wants you to buy their script: government’s the enemy—unless they’re the ones running it. It's the identical script from 2020: same groups, same tactics, same goal, different name.

But Glenn is flipping the script. He's dropping a new "No Kings but Christ" merch line, just in time for the protest. Merch that proclaims one truth: no earthly ruler owns us; only Christ does. It’s a bold, faith-rooted rejection of this secular circus.

Why should you care? Because this won’t just be a rally—it’ll be a symptom. Distrust in institutions is sky-high, and rightly so, but the "No Kings" answer is a hollow shout into the void. Glenn’s merch begs the question: if you’re ditching kings, who’s really in charge? Get yours and wear the answer proudly.

Truth unleashed: 95% say media’s excuses for anti-Semitism are a LIE

ELI IMADALI / Contributor | Getty Images

Glenn asked for YOUR take on the rising tide of anti-Semitism, and you delivered. After the Boulder attack, you made it clear: this isn’t just a news story—it’s a crisis the elites are dodging.

Your verdict is unmistakable: 96% of you see anti-Semitism as a growing threat in the U.S., brushing aside the establishment’s weak excuses. The spin does not fool you—95% say the media is deliberately downplaying the issue, hiding a cultural rot that’s all too real. And the government’s response? A whopping 95% of you call it a disgraceful failure, leaving communities exposed.

Your voices shatter the silence. Why should we trust narratives that dismiss your concerns? With 97% of you warning that anti-Semitism will surge in the years ahead, you’re demanding action and accountability. This is your stand for truth.

You spoke, and Glenn listened. Your bold response sends a message to those who’d rather ignore the problem. Keep raising your voice at Glennbeck.com—your input drives the fight for justice. Take part in the next poll and continue shaping the conversation.

Want to make your voice heard? Check out more polls HERE.

JPMorgan Chase CEO issues dire warning about America's prosperity

Win McNamee / Staff | Getty Images

Jamie Dimon has a grim forecast for America — and it’s not a recession. He sees a fragile nation drifting into crisis while its leaders fight over TikTok.

Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase — one of the most powerful financial institutions on earth — issued a warning the other day. But it wasn’t about interest rates, crypto, or monetary policy.

Speaking at the Reagan National Defense Forum in California, Dimon pivoted from economic talking points to something far more urgent: the fragile state of America’s physical preparedness.

We are living in a moment of stunning fragility — culturally, economically, and militarily. It means we can no longer afford to confuse digital distractions with real resilience.

“We shouldn’t be stockpiling Bitcoin,” Dimon said. “We should be stockpiling guns, tanks, planes, drones, and rare earths. We know we need to do it. It’s not a mystery.”

He cited internal Pentagon assessments showing that if war were to break out in the South China Sea, the United States has only enough precision-guided missiles for seven days of sustained conflict.

Seven days — that’s the gap between deterrence and desperation.

This wasn’t a forecast about inflation or a hedge against market volatility. It was a blunt assessment from a man whose words typically move markets.

“America is the global hegemon,” Dimon continued, “and the free world wants us to be strong.” But he warned that Americans have been lulled into “a false sense of security,” made complacent by years of peacetime prosperity, outsourcing, and digital convenience:

We need to build a permanent, long-term, realistic strategy for the future of America — economic growth, fiscal policy, industrial policy, foreign policy. We need to educate our citizens. We need to take control of our economic destiny.

This isn’t a partisan appeal — it’s a sobering wake-up call. Because our economy and military readiness are not separate issues. They are deeply intertwined.

Dimon isn’t alone in raising concerns. Former Google CEO Eric Schmidt has warned that China has already overtaken the U.S. in key defense technologies — hypersonic missiles, quantum computing, and artificial intelligence to mention a few. Retired military leaders continue to highlight our shrinking shipyards and dwindling defense manufacturing base.

Even the dollar, once assumed untouchable, is under pressure as BRICS nations work to undermine its global dominance. Dimon, notably, has said this effort could succeed if the U.S. continues down its current path.

So what does this all mean?

Christopher Furlong / Staff | Getty Images

It means we are living in a moment of stunning fragility — culturally, economically, and militarily. It means we can no longer afford to confuse digital distractions with real resilience.

It means the future belongs to nations that understand something we’ve forgotten: Strength isn’t built on slogans or algorithms. It’s built on steel, energy, sovereignty, and trust.

And at the core of that trust is you, the citizen. Not the influencer. Not the bureaucrat. Not the lobbyist. At the core is the ordinary man or woman who understands that freedom, safety, and prosperity require more than passive consumption. They require courage, clarity, and conviction.

We need to stop assuming someone else will fix it. The next crisis — whether military, economic, or cyber — will not politely pause for our political dysfunction to sort itself out. It will demand leadership, unity, and grit.

And that begins with looking reality in the eye. We need to stop talking about things that don’t matter and cut to the chase: The U.S. is in a dangerously fragile position, and it’s time to rebuild and refortify — from the inside out.

This article originally appeared on TheBlaze.com.

Glenn's Show Prep

Glenn talks to comedian Jeff Allen on radio

EXPOSED: Your tax dollars FUND Marxist riots in LA

Protesters wore Che shirts, waved foreign flags, and chanted Marxist slogans — but corporate media still peddles the ‘spontaneous outrage’ narrative.

If you suggest that violent criminals should be deported or imprisoned, you’re painted as the extremist.

Another ‘peaceful’ riot

The left has lost it

Glenn Beck's 'No King but Christ' merch: Will faith STOP the chaos?

Thousands will chant "no thrones, no crowns, no king," claiming to fend off authoritarianism and corruption.

Chaos isn’t a side effect here—it’s the plan.

Truth unleashed: 95% say media’s excuses for anti-Semitism are a LIE

JPMorgan Chase CEO issues dire warning about America's prosperity

Jamie Dimon has a grim forecast for America — and it’s not a recession. He sees a fragile nation drifting into crisis while its leaders fight over TikTok.

We are living in a moment of stunning fragility — culturally, economically, and militarily. It means we can no longer afford to confuse digital distractions with real resilience.