Glenn talks to comedian Jeff Allen on radio

Transcript of the interview is below:

GLENN: Anyway, so last night my wife and my daughter who doesn't find anybody funny because she grew up around me and I've kind of wrecked it for her, she went to Restoring Love and she saw Jeff Allen and she came back and she said to me, "Dad, have you seen him?" And I said, "No, I just keep hearing he's really funny." And she said, "He is so funny. Dad, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe." Now, she's a 20‑something. My wife says the same thing. Tears are coming out of my eyes, he's so funny. Then we went up to Freedom Works in Cincinnati and we sat there and we watched behind stage and he is just hysterical. And here's the amazing thing: He's on our side. That doesn't happen. He's on our side. And so I've invited him in for this week and he's going to be with us on election night and he's with us now. Hi, Jeff, how are you, sir?

ALLEN: Good morning, guys. I've got to tell you every time I make my wife sit down and watch something I do, she says, I'd rather have a spinal tap.

STU: Spinal taps could be enjoyable.

PAT: Once in a while.

ALLEN: It has its moments.

GLENN: My wife, my wife would give it to herself. She would just say, I'm just going to take a knife and I'm going to put it in the doorjamb and I'm going to back into it for the spinal tap.

ALLEN: (Laughing.)

GLENN: You ‑‑ you weren't always conservative, or were you?

ALLEN: No. I grew up in Chicago. My father was a union guy. So politics was pretty simple: You vote Democrat or I'm tearing up your birth certificate.

GLENN: Right.

ALLEN: It's either vote for the Dems or be disowned.

GLENN: Right. And what happened to you?

ALLEN: Well, I'll tell you a quick story. I realized I was an idiot back in the...

GLENN: (Laughing.)

ALLEN: In the mid‑80s, somebody in New York ‑‑ I was working in New York in the clubs at Catch a Rising Star, some guy referred to Ronald Reagan as a capitalistic swine and there came a point on my way home I didn't realize what the word "capitalist" meant. So I looked it up and that little voice that God gives us says, "Man, you're an idiot. You make your living with words and you don't even know what a basic word means." And when I read what the word "capitalist" meant, I thought, gee, what's wrong with that, you know? I didn't understand why that was a bad thing to be associated with swine.

GLENN: And so you started to look into what things were and then you went out ‑‑ you went out and started revealing this to people?

ALLEN: Right, exactly, at a comedy club.

GLENN: That wasn't really a smart idea.

ALLEN: Not at all. And I have all the tact of a bull in a China some. So...

GLENN: Why do you suppose that you can't be cool and conservative? Why is that?

ALLEN: Well, it's a narrative. And if you don't fit the narrative, they've got to shut the narrative down. I believe that. So... and this was long before I was, you know, I became a person of faith. But ‑‑ so I don't know. It was interesting to me. I had a guy, I was telling somebody once, I was really miserable. I was at a twelve‑step convention or something and I'm six or seven years in the program and ‑‑

GLENN: Convention? I didn't know they had conventions.

ALLEN: Well, they had them. A bunch of drunks get together.

STU: It's just called a keg party. That's all that is.

GLENN: Yeah, doesn't sound like a good idea. "Hey, let's all go out of town!"

STU: Vegas!

GLENN: "Let's go to some bars and some hookers!"

ALLEN: My last night of drinking I was in front of Graceland in and Memphis screaming for the king.

STU: Really?

ALLEN: And some guard comes out and says, "You'll have to leave. You have to wait for the morning." And I was like, "I was just wondering if Elvis left any Valium under the bushes. I'm a little jacked right now and I can't get to sleep."

GLENN: Really not good.

ALLEN: No.

GLENN: But then you stumbled on to us and you've been a fan of, like, More‑On Trivia and ‑‑

ALLEN: Oh, my God, I'm so glad you brought it back. It's so nice to sit at home and feel so good about myself. I used to work in a mini‑mart. So I mean, I have an empathy for that, you know.

GLENN: How is that ‑‑ how did that work out for you?

ALLEN: Well, I worked the graveyard shift and I was manager. I want you to know that.

PAT: Wow. So impressive.

GLENN: You were just more than a shelf replenisher.

ALLEN: I was impressed until I got to work and found out I was the only guy there. I had to fire myself. I caught myself stealing a few times. What was interesting was because it was late at night, you get thighs guys that would come in and take you out of your meditative trance.

GLENN: Right.

ALLEN: You know, why am I such a loser and why am I worth where it's at. And they go, "Hey, where are you keeping the SpaghettiO's. Why don't you and your friends get together and figure it out on your own. So then you get ‑‑ they pick the can up and start walking to the microwave and you would say, no one could be that stupid as to put a can into a microwave and then fire that thing up. Well, you know, the depths of ignorance in America never cease to amaze me. Not only do they turn it on, they put their face up against the glass and admire the sparks. So you've got to figure there's someone three blocks away with a pacemaker pounding their chest like, "God, they're cooking another can again. I hate this neighborhood."

GLENN: How did you ‑‑ how long did you work in a convenience store?

ALLEN: A month.

GLENN: A month? And then where did you go from the convenience store?

ALLEN: Well, I found out it was the most dangerous job in America next to cop. So I just started turning the register around and leaving it open. I'm not dying for the Southland Corporation. You know, that's what used to kill me about the shoplifters. They would put Twinkies in their pants and then walk around crunching, you know, because cellophane's not the quietest material. And they go, "I don't see anything I want. I'll see you guys in the car."

STU: You must feel like you have a high level of cleanliness if you're willing to eat Twinkies out of your pants. That's not something I'd be willing to attempt.

GLENN: I don't know if you're that picky if you're stealing the Twinkies.

STU: No?

GLENN: From the 7‑11 that Jeff is working.

ALLEN: At the price they charge that's actually a felony.

GLENN: So you went in and you cleaned yourself up because you and I have a lot in common.

ALLEN: Yeah.

GLENN: You don't need to say it that way.

ALLEN: Well, yeah, we do. It's so funny listening to your story, say that's me.

GLENN: Yeah.

ALLEN: Say there's a twin.

GLENN: It's amazing how much, you know, I'm just guessing, how much you think you hated the world and then when you sober up, you realize, wow, I just hate me. The world's pretty great. People are pretty great.

ALLEN: Yeah. It was interesting. I had ‑‑ and I'm not dropping names but I had one night where I worked with Seinfeld back before his sitcom at a college and we got stuck talking waiting for our checks. And I was miserable. I mean, you know, so after about an hour he says, "Can I say something to you?" And I go, yeah, please. And he goes, and all your complaints. Believe me, there was a myriad of them, I never heard you complain about how hard you work on your act." He said, "This is a small business. You take care of your craft; the business will take care of you." And I thought that was one of the most profound things I had ever heard. And I go, are you in a twelve‑step program? And he goes, "No, it's common sense."

GLENN: So you were sober at the time?

ALLEN: I was, I was ‑‑ yeah, believe me I was not a poster boy for the twelve‑step program, you know.

GLENN: Right. You were going to the ‑‑ you were going to the ‑‑

ALLEN: I was going to the meetings.

GLENN: The weekend conventions.

ALLEN: They tell me, you lie, you die. So I would raise my hands and go, I don't like you, I don't like you and I don't like you, you know. I'm telling the truth. After about a year and a half, some little old lady comes up to me, sticks her finger in my navel and goes, "You know something, young man? Can I say something to you? Maybe the problem is not your wife."

GLENN: Did you really, I mean, you ‑‑ at one point before you sobered up, because we were talking just a minute ago and I said that my wife watched the show last night and she ‑‑ and you made her laugh. And my favorite thing with Tania, I love taking her to a funny movie. I used to love watching The Office with her because it made her laugh. And so she used to think I was funny. She used to laugh. I don't know if your wife has stopped. Pat's wife gave up on that how many years ago?

PAT: 20.

GLENN: Yeah.

PAT: At least 20.

GLENN: Wait a minute. How many have you been married?

PAT: 20 1/2.

GLENN: As soon as ‑‑ I don't know what it is. As soon as you get married, your wife stops thinking you're funny.

ALLEN: Well, that's it and I get the look. That's what I call it, the look. I told you the other day I'm running some jokes by Tammy and I realized two minutes into it, I go, you know what, babe, I'm going to call you back. I'm going to call somebody who appreciates me. But what I love is Pat, every time Pat does Al Gore, she falls out of her chair. And it's interesting because in 2000 when he would come on the TV, she wouldn't say things like, "Oh, I can't stand this guy, I hate..." she would just mute the television. In the middle of a conversation, his voice would come over our TV, she would reach for the remote, mute him, and then start talking to me. And then when he stopped talking, she would unmute the TV. But every time Pat does Gore, she falls out of her chair. So...

GLENN: So wait. Hang on just a second. What I'm learning from the story is your wife wasn't really listening to you.

ALLEN: Not at all.

GLENN: If she's muting the TV, she's like ‑‑ and then turning it back on in the middle of your conversation.

ALLEN: Right. Exactly.

GLENN: She's really just kind of looking your way.

ALLEN: That's it.

GLENN: Yeah.

ALLEN: She's in the room.

GLENN: What does she do?

ALLEN: She shows dogs and...

GLENN: What, are you ‑‑ what, are you like ‑‑

PAT: She shows dogs what? What does she show them?

ALLEN: She's a dog handler.

PAT: Look, dog, here's a bone.

ALLEN: If you've ever seen the movie Best in Show, that's my wife's life.

GLENN: Really?

ALLEN: That's it.

GLENN: So I thought you were poor at one point.

ALLEN: We were. She was making money.

GLENN: No, but I mean that's not something that, like ‑‑ I mean ‑‑

ALLEN: We were poor. My kids ‑‑

GLENN: It's like all of a sudden I'm talking to Ann Romney over here.

ALLEN: My kid came home one day and said, are we poor? I go, no, we're broke, man. There's a big difference. We got stuff. We can't pay for it but we got stuff.

GLENN: All right. Jeff is going to be joining us this week on television I think tomorrow. Aren't we doing a full hour?

ALLEN: I believe so.

GLENN: With you? And he is, he's a guy who ‑‑

ALLEN: That's unless your inbox gets flooded today.

GLENN: But you were a guy who, you didn't pay attention to politics. In fact, I want to come back and just ask you quickly about what you said to the Republicans. Because I think this is ‑‑ I think this is where most Americans are, at least most conservative Americans are on what you said to the Republicans and I think it's so important. But we're going to spend some time with Jeffy because I think he has a ‑‑ I think he has an important role to play in the healing of America and the future of America. If we don't grab onto the culture and we don't find people that our friends and neighbors who may disagree with us don't find, you know, funny. You know, we need people to be able to come into our tent and say, "that guy's really funny." He's conservative? Really? And they start thinking of conservatives differently. That's really all the left has. They've got Jon Stewart. You lose Jon Stewart, you lose the movie, they got nothing. They're nothing but a bunch of killers. That's all that's left. And we've got the truth on our side. We have compassion on our side. We just need some funny people and some people that understand culture and entertainment. And Jeff is one of those guys. But back with him in just a second.

BREAK

GLENN: Back with Jeff Allen and Jeff is ‑‑ I asked him last night if he was a Republican and you said the Republicans have been hounding you for cash and donations.

ALLEN: Well, I made a mistake of sending them money a number of years ago. So I'm on the list. So about the third call this year I said to them, stop calling me. Take me off the list. I said, you blew it. You had eight years and you blew it. So every candidate that I want to send money to has their own website. I can go on the website and I can send them money. I don't need you people to distribute my money. You blew it. So stop calling me.

GLENN: It's really, it's amazing.

PAT: Good.

GLENN: That is ‑‑

PAT: Good.

GLENN: ‑‑ the answer.

PAT: Yeah.

GLENN: And I think that's the way people are now because we don't need the parties to tell us. We can do our own ‑‑ we can do our own homework now.

ALLEN: Absolutely, you know, and Josh Mandel and Murdoch and all those people have their own websites. So...

GLENN: What do you think's going to, who ‑‑ what do you think's going to happen Tuesday?

ALLEN: I'm with you. I really think that there's a grassroots move ‑‑ they have no clue.

GLENN: They have no clue what's coming.

ALLEN: It's a tsunami. You look at 2010. They didn't see that coming.

GLENN: Are you ‑‑ are you fasting?

ALLEN: I am, yeah.

GLENN: Are you really?

ALLEN: I said, we had the con ‑‑ I said I just want to know when it ends. Does it end on Tuesday or do I have to wait until Wednesday because ‑‑

GLENN: Oh, no, it ends Tuesday.

PAT: Tuesday night.

GLENN: I've decided the first ‑‑ Tuesday night?

PAT: Yeah.

GLENN: The first poll ‑‑

PAT: Well, I think when the polls close, right?

GLENN: The first poll that closes.

ALLEN: Good.

STU: Pat's been saying when the polls close in Texas.

PAT: Several times. Yeah, several times.

ALLEN: Well, I'm coming in a Cinnabon neck lace, I just want you to know.

GLENN: You got the Central part of the country. You really only have to fast for ‑‑ you got the Central. You know you're going to lose the West. So you don't have to worry about that one. You know you got the Central. God doesn't need to work any miracles. His miracles all need to be in Ohio and Florida and ‑‑

STU: Because Nevada's not an important state at all. No, no.

GLENN: There's casinos in there. God hasn't looked at Nevada for years.

STU: Be interested to hear about that.

Stop trying to be right and think of the children

Mario Tama/Getty Images

All the outrage this week has mainly focused on one thing: the evil Trump administration and its minions who delight in taking children from their illegal immigrant parents and throwing them all in dungeons. Separate dungeons, mind you.

That makes for a nice, easy storyline, but the reality is less convenient. Most Americans seem to agree that separating children from their parents — even if their parents entered the US illegally — is a bad thing. But what if that mom and dad you're trying to keep the kids with aren't really the kids' parents? Believe it or not, fraud happens.

RELATED: Where were Rachel Maddow's tears for immigrant children in 2014?

While there are plenty of heartbreaking stories of parents simply seeking a chance for a better life for their children in the US, there are also corrupt, abusive human traffickers who profit from the illegal immigration trade. And sorting all of this out is no easy task.

This week, the Department of Homeland Security said that since October 2017, more than 300 children have arrived at the border with adults claiming to be their parents who turned out not to be relatives. 90 of these fraud cases came from the Rio Grande Valley sector alone.

In 2017, DHS reported 46 causes of fraudulent family claims. But there have already been 191 fraud cases in 2018.

Shouldn't we be concerned about any child that is smuggled by a human trafficker?

When Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen pointed out this 315 percent increase, the New York Times was quick to give these family fraud cases "context" by noting they make up less than one percent of the total number of illegal immigrant families apprehended at the southern border. Their implication was that Nielsen was exaggerating the numbers. Even if the number of fraud cases at the border was only 0.001 percent, shouldn't we be concerned about any child that is smuggled by a human trafficker?

This is the most infuriating part of this whole conversation this week (if you can call it a "conversation") — that both sides have an angle to defend. And while everyone's busy yelling and making their case, children are being abused.

What if we just tried, for two seconds, to love having mercy more than we love having to be right all the time?

Remember when cartoons were happy things? Each panel took you on a tiny journey, carrying you to an unexplored place. In Understanding Comics, Scott McCloud writes:

The comics creator asks us to join in a silent dance of the seen and the unseen. The visible and the invisible. This dance is unique to comics. No other artform gives so much to its audience while asking so much from them as well. This is why I think it's a mistake to see comics as a mere hybrid of the graphic arts and prose fiction. What happens between . . . panels is a kind of magic only comics can create.

When that magic is manipulated or politicized, it often devolves the artform into a baseless thing. Yesterday, Occupy Wall Street published the perfect example of low-brow deviation of the artform: A six-panel approach at satire, which imitates the instructions-panel found in the netted cubbyhole behind seats on airplanes. The cartoon is a critique of the recent news about immigrant children being separated from their parents after crossing the border. It is a step-by-step guide to murdering US Immigrations and Customs Enforcement agents.

RELATED: Cultural appropriation has jumped the shark, and everyone is noticing

The first panel shows a man shoving an infant into a cage meant for Pomeranians. The following five panels feature instructions, and include pictures of a cartoonish murder.

The panels read as follows:

  1. If an ICE agent tries to take your child at the border, don't panic.
  2. Pull your child away as quickly as possibly by force.
  3. Gently tell your child to close his/her eyes and ears so they won't witness what you are about to do.
  4. Grab the ICE agent from behind and push your knife into his chest with an upward thrust, causing the agent's sternum to break.
  5. Reach into his chest and pull out his still beating heart.
  6. Hold his bloody heart out for all other agents to see, and tell them that the same fate awaits them if they f--- with your child again.

Violent comics are nothing new. But most of the time, they remain in the realms of invented worlds — in other words, not in our own, with reference to actual people, let alone federal agents.

The mainstream media made a game of crying racism with every cartoon depiction of Obama during his presidency, as well as during his tenure as Senator, when the New Yorker, of all things, faced scrutiny for depicting him in "Muslim clothing." Life was a minefield for political cartoonists during the Obama era.

Chris Hondros/Getty Images

This year, we saw the leftist outrage regarding The Simpsons character Apu — a cartoon representation of a highly-respected, though cartoonishly-depicted, character on a cartoon show composed of cartoonishly-depicted characters.

We all remember Charlie Hebdo, which, like many outlets that have used cartoon satire to criticize Islam, faced the wrath and ire of people unable to see even the tamest representation of the prophet, Muhammad.

Interesting, isn't it? Occupy Wall Street publishes a cartoon that advocates murdering federal agents, and critics are told to lighten up. Meanwhile, the merest depiction of Muhammad has resulted in riots throughout the world, murder and terror on an unprecedented scale.

The intersection of Islam and comics is complex enough to have its own three-hour show, so we'll leave it at that, for now. Although, it is worth mentioning the commentary by satirical website The Onion, which featured a highly offensive cartoon of all the major religious figures except Muhammad. It noted:

Following the publication of the image above, in which the most cherished figures from multiple religious faiths were depicted engaging in a lascivious sex act of considerable depravity, no one was murdered, beaten, or had their lives threatened.

Of course, Occupy Wall Street is free to publish any cartoon they like. Freedom of speech, and so on—although there have been several instances in which violent cartoons were ruled to have violated the "yelling fire in a crowded theater" limitation of the First Amendment.

Posting it to Twitter is another issue — this is surely in violation of Twitter's violent content policy, but something tells me nothing will come of it. It's a funny world, isn't it? A screenshot of a receipt from Chick-fil-A causes outrage but a cartoon advocating murder gets crickets.

RELATED: Twitter mob goes ballistic over Father's Day photo of Caitlyn Jenner. Who cares?

In Understanding Comics, Scott McCloud concludes that, "Today the possibilities for comics are — as they've always been — endless. Comics offers . . . range and versatility, with all the potential imagery of film and painting plus the intimacy of the written word. And all that's needed is the desire to be heard, the will to learn, and the ability to see."

Smile, and keep moving forward.

Crude and awful as the Occupy Wall Street comic is, the best thing we can do is nod and look elsewhere for the art that will open our eyes. Let the lunatics draw what they want, let them stew in their own flawed double standards. Otherwise, we're as shallow and empty as they are, and nothing good comes of that. Smile, and keep moving forward.

Things are getting better. Show the world how to hear, how to learn, how to see.

People should start listening to Nikki Haley

ANDREW CABALLERO-REYNOLDS/AFP/Getty Images

Okay. Let's take a vote. You know, an objective, quantifiable count. How many resolutions has the UN Human Rights Council adopted condemning dictatorships? Easy. Well. How do you define "dictatorship"?

Well, one metric is the UN Human Rights Council Condemnation. How many have the United Nations issued to China, with a body count higher than a professional Call of Duty player?

Zero.

How about Venezuela, where socialism is devouring its own in the cruelest, most unsettling ways imaginable?

Zero.

And Russia, home of unsettling cruelty and rampant censorship, murder and (actual) homophobia?

Zero.

Iraq? Zero. Turkey? Iraq? Zero. Cuba? Zero. Pakistan? Zero.

RELATED: Nikki Haley just dropped some serious verbal bombs on Russia at the UN

According to UN Human Rights Council Condemnations, 2006-2016, none of these nations is as dangerous as we'd imagined. Or, rather, none of them faced a single condemnation. Meanwhile, one country in particular has faced unbelievable scrutiny and fury — you'll never guess which country.

No, it's not Somalia. It's Israel. With 68 UN Human Rights Council Condemnations! In fact, the number of total United Nations condemnations against Israel outnumbers the total of condemnations against all other countries combined. The only country that comes close is Syria, with 15.

The Trump administration withdrew from the United Nations Human Rights Council on Tuesday in protest of what it perceives as an entrenched bias against Israel and a willingness to allow notorious human rights abusers as members.

In an address to the UN Security Council on Tuesday, Nikki Haley said:

Let's remember that the Hamas terrorist organization has been inciting violence for years, long before the United States decided to move our embassy. This is what is endangering the people of Gaza. Make no mistake, Hamas is pleased with the results from yesterday... No country in this chamber would act with more restraint than Israel has.

Maybe people should start listening to Haley. Hopefully, they will. Not likely, but there's no crime in remaining hopeful.

Here's a question unique to our times: "Should I tell my father 'Happy Father's Day,' even though he (she?) is now one of my mothers?"

Father's Day was four days ago, yes, but this story is just weird enough to report on. One enjoyable line to read was this gem from Hollywood Gossip: "Cait is a woman and a transgender icon, but she is also and will always be the father of her six children."

RELATED: If Bruce was never a he and always a she, who won the men's Olympic gold in 1976?

Imagine reading that to someone ten — even five — years ago. And, honestly, there's something nice about it. But the strangeness of its having ever been written overpowers any emotional impact it might bring.

"So lucky to have you," wrote Kylie Jenner, in the Instagram caption under pre-transition pictures of Bruce Jenner.

Look. I risk sounding like a tabloid by mere dint of having even mentioned this story, but the important element is the cultural sway that's occurring. The original story was that a band of disgruntled Twitter users got outraged about the supposed "transphobic" remarks by Jenner's daughter.

But, what we should be saying is, "who the hell cares?" Who cares what one Jenner says to another — and more importantly and on a far deeper level — who cares what some anonymous Twitter user has to say?

When are we going to stop playing into the hands of the Twitter mob?

When are we going to stop playing into the hands of the Twitter mob? Because, at the moment, they've got it pretty good. They have a nifty relationship with the mainstream media: One or two Twitter users get outraged by any given thing — in this case Jenner and supposed transphobia. In return, the mainstream media use the Twitter comment as a source.

Then, a larger Twitter audience points to the article itself as proof that there's some kind of systemic justice at play. It's a closed-market currency, where the negative feedback loop of proof and evidence is composed of faulty accusations. Isn't it a hell of a time to be alive?