‘This is not a parody’: Glenn shares tips to ensure that you survive the snow and ice season safely

December 11, 2013

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Glenn was forced to close his Dallas offices on Friday and Monday because of the ice storm that rocked much of the country late last week. While Glenn admitted he was totally ill prepared for the storm (he didn’t even own a shovel!), a new report from the Snow & Ice Management Association might just take preparedness to a whole new extreme.

“I just want to share something. And… this is not a parody,” Glenn said on radio this morning. “Tips for safe walking in snow and ice from the Snow and Ice Management Association… Every winter the hazards of driving in snow and icy conditions are noted, but rarely is walking in the snow noted. So the Snow and Ice Management Association has come out with their tips about walking in the snow.”

“Yeah, because it's pretty confusing,” Pat joked. “What do you do? What do you do?”

Glenn, Pat, and Stu had a little fun going through the recommendations from the Snow & Ice Management Association – a nonprofit representing the snow removal industry – on how to safely walk through snowy or icy conditions.

Wear proper footwear. Wear shoes with heavy treading and a flat bottom that place the entire foot on the surface of the ground.

Wear things that help you see and be seen. Wear sunglasses so you can see. Also, bright and reflect clothing help you be seen by drivers.

Plan ahead. Walk consciously on icy sidewalks and parking lots. Look up to see where the next icy spots are and be aware of any vehicles near you.

Listen. Avoid listening to music or talking on the phone while walking in icy or snowy conditions. Pedestrians need to be able to hear approaching traffic or other noises.

Anticipate ice. What appears to be wet pavement may be black ice, so approach it with caution. Ice will often appear in the mornings, so be more aware in the early hours.

Take steps slowly. When walking down steps, take them slowly and deliberately. Plant your feet securely on each step and be sure to have a firm grip on the handrail.

Enter buildings slowly. The floors of buildings may be covered in melted snow and ice, so check the entrance and try to step on any rugs in the doorways.

Avoid shortcuts. A shortcut path may be dangerous because it is less likely that snow and ice removal occurred.

Look up. Be aware of what you're walking under. Falling snow and ice can cause injuries.

“You'll never guess number 10 because I think they've told us like three times not to do this,” Glenn said. “But number 10 is: Look up.”

“Wait, what,” Stu asked skeptically.

“They have been saying: Look at your feet. But they want to make sure that if you are looking down; they also throw in there to look up occasionally too,” Glenn explained. “Don't just look down.”

Stu still couldn’t understand why he is supposed to look up, when he is supposed to be looking down to see the ice on the ground.

“Well, you want to be careful about what you're walking under,” Glenn continued. “Because, I didn't know this: Injuries can also result from falling snow and ice.”

“So you can look up and the icicle can fall directly into your eyeball,” Stu quipped.

“Following these tips will ensure that you survive the snow and ice season safely. For more tips, for even more tips, go to the Snow and Ice Management Association website,” Glenn concluded. “Thank you so much for sending this to me, Snow and Ice Management Association, who I didn't know you existed, and strangely, now I'm questioning why you do. But I'm glad you will exist to help us through these troubled, troubled times of snow and ice… Things you didn't learn from Mom and Dad.”

Front page image courtesy of the AP

What will happen while Glenn is away on vacation?

As many of you now know, Glenn has taken off for a much-deserved, two-week vacation with strict orders not to watch the news. Well, two weeks is a long time in the news world, and a LOT can happen while Glenn is away.

What do you think will happen while Glenn is away? Will Biden take another fall? Will the government finally confess knowledge of alien lifeforms? Let us know what you think below.

Will the Government confirm the existence of aliens?

Is Biden going to fall again?

Will Kamala Harris become president?

Will Hillary Clinton announce her candidacy for president?

Will AI start an uprising?

Will World War III start?

Will Bud Light go out of business?

Will it be confirmed that Fidel Castro is Justin Trudeau's father?

Will California criminalize pianos due to their historic associations with the ivory trade?

Will Joe Biden give a speech where he recounts an encounter with Bigfoot?

How my family's Target boycott is affecting my wife (satire)

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If you've been tuning in this month, you'll know that my family and I have been boycotting Target since they released their problematic Pride collection. We are determined, but boy has it been difficult... particularly on my wife.

I'm not saying that I kept a diary of my wife's Target withdrawals... but I'm not saying that I didn't either.

Here are the "alleged" entries of my family's first week of boycotting Target.

Day 1

My wife began the day optimistic. Determined. She kept saying, "I can do it. I can do it. For the sake of what is right, I can do it."

For a moment there, I thought this boycott was going to be kind of easy. I thought she would bounce into action, and never look back.

At about noon on day one, she started to crack just a little bit. She looked at me and said, "The only jeans that fit me properly are from Target. Where am I going to get my jeans? What will I do without my favorite jeans?"

One weird thing. She has been speaking differently. It's almost like a nervous tick. Random words come out at random times. Day one, I kissed her good night and said, "I love you." She said, "I love Lindt Lindor Milk Chocolate Candy Truffles."

And I think that has something to do with Target, but I'm not really sure.

Day 2

My wife began laughing today... a LOT. But then, abruptly, her laughter broke into a disconcerting grimace that reminded me ever so slightly of a gargoyle.

I tried to remind myself, "This is going to be a good thing. This is going to make a difference," and my wife proceeded to give me a long-winded rant about how Satan tempted Jesus, and how this is my temptation in the desert. Shortly after, I found her reading her Bible in Matthew chapter 4, repeating, "40 days of THIS?!"

She tried to go to Walmart and even made it about 10 feet into the store... but then she sped home and took a shower for 45 minutes.

Day 3

Have you seen The Shining? The way Jack Nicholson slowly becomes unhinged?

It's beginning to feel like that on day three, at the house. Several times, I caught her petting picture frames. When I asked if everything was okay, she said, "I can't find gallery frames for an excellent price anywhere. You know. Think of the frames."

Later, I caught her piling bath bombs onto her side of the bed.

I said, "Honey, what are those for?"

And her answer was a little terrifying. I can't really remember. Only something about the onslaught of a war of sparkles and tiaras. So I don't know what that means.

And I didn't ask.

Day 4

The shakes have begun. Confusion has overtaken her eyes. Every couple of minutes she gasps and looks around, face full of panic.

She cries in agony, "WHERE will I find oversized blouses?" She gasps again, "What if somebody has a birthday? Where am I going to go? Where am I going to go? What if there is a birthday?"

Day 5

Midway through lunch, my wife shrieked, realizing she was only seven decorative pillows away from an empty bed top.

Our day somehow got worse when news broke that Chip and Joanna Gaines had just released their new candle trough.

That was day five.

Day 6

The rations have vanished.

The boycott now has begun to affect the family's food supply. This morning, I asked my wife, "Do we have any milk?

My wife whispered, "Don't you know where the milk comes from? Don't you know where I get the milk?"

I answered, my voice quivering, "Milk? What milk? I don't need any milk!"

She was almost out of Meyers soap and nearly caved when the revelation kicked in that she might have to go to Walmart.

To make matters worse, Target had just released their new Meyers fall scents, including, but not limited to pumpkin spice—and if you don't have pumpkin spice Meyers soap, who are you, really?

Then things really spiraled when she needed to pick up Starbucks honey flat white and some new laundry detergent. For the first time in a long time, this was going to require TWO stops, and let me tell you, those two stops did not make her happy.

At bedtime, she locked herself into the guest bedroom and insisted on being left alone.

Day 7

For the first day, I have a little hope.

The whole thing was awful. Terrible. Miserable. Heartbreaking.

But still not bad enough to make me or any of my friends want to chug down a Bud Light.

Do aliens... EXIST? Or is it a distraction?

Rastan | Getty Images

Yesterday, whistleblower David Charles Grusch, a decorated Air Force veteran claimed the Department of Defense has a secret team aimed at "retrieving non-human origin technical vehicles, call it spacecraft if you will, non-human exotic origin vehicles that have either landed or crashed."

Talk about UFOs and aliens has typically been siloed to the realm of sci-fi and "conspiracy theories." However, in recent years, publicized evidence of UFOs and whistleblowers, like David Grusch, have brought the once fantastical subjects into the mainstream. Could it be that alien life forms do, in fact, exist? Have they already arrived and been kept secret underneath the government's nose? Or could this all be a ruse to distract us from more pressing stories in the news cycle?

We want to hear from YOU! Do YOU think aliens and UFOs are a distraction tactic, or do you think there's truth behind these whistleblowers?

Do you believe the government has intel about UFOs?

Do you believe the government has intel about alien life?

Do you believe the government is hiding this intel from the general public?

Do you believe alien life exists?

Do you think the media is using this story to distract us from other issues?

Remembering D-Day: We are called to the same standard

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79 years ago today, my grandfather jumped out of a plane. He was 17 years old when he joined the 101st Airborne Division, and at the ripe age of 18, he boarded a C-47 aircraft with the rest of his company destined for Normandy. On June 6, 1944, he jumped out of that plane onto Utah Beach, becoming a part of what would become the largest amphibious invasion in military history, Operation Overlord, or, as it's more commonly known, D-Day.

Though only 18, my grandfather was one of the oldest soldiers in his company. He recounted how many, like himself, lied about their age in order to have their shot at fighting for their country. As Omaha Beach veteran Frank Devita recounted:

We were all kids. We were too young to drink. We were too young to vote. And we were too young to die.

And many of them did.

On June 6, 1944, almost 160,000 troops from the United States, the British Commonwealth, and their allies began what would become the ultimate demise of the Third Reich, concluding one of the darkest chapters in human history. 2,500 of these soldiers were American boys who gave the ultimate sacrifice in Normandy, where most of them remain, their bodies never making it back home to the country for which they paid the ultimate price.

2,500 of these soldiers were American boys who gave the ultimate sacrifice in Normandy.

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In an age seemingly devoid of courage and virtue, it is natural to picture these soldiers as the greatest of men. And they were. However, we must remember these exemplars of manhood were boys, young boys, who exhibited the courage and virtue that we so seldom see in those twice their age today.

We must remember these exemplars of manhood were boys.

Remembering D-Day is not only sobering regarding the loss of life and innocence; it's sobering to consider how far our country has strayed from the ideals exemplified by the "greatest generation."

79 years ago, Americans knew what they were fighting for. As a Jewish man born in Berlin, witnessing the rise of fascism and socialism at the expense of individual liberty and the sanctity of life, my grandfather was eager to go back to his birthplace as an American soldier to fight for the fundamental principles of life and liberty that he and his family had been denied in Nazi Germany.

They were some of the lucky individuals who were able to escape—and there's a reason why he and his family chose America as their new homeland. The life and liberty they had been denied in Germany were regarded as sacred in the United States.

Yet, do we still regard these things as sacred?

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Most of the United States still hold that the sanctity of life is contingent upon convenience and circumstance. Economic policies continue to morph closer to the socialism adopted by the rest of the world in the 20th century, penalizing the success and merit that was once tantalizing to immigrants like my grandfather. Moreover, 2020 extinguished any doubt that the freedoms we hold dear are expendable at the whims of our ruling class.

This isn't the same America that provided refuge to my grandfather's family nor is it the same country that he and his brothers-in-arms fought for.

On this anniversary of D-Day, it is important that we remember the sacrifice given by the young American boys, who became the greatest of men, on the beaches of Normandy. However, perhaps it is just as important to remember that we are called to the very same standard as they so powerfully exemplified: to love our country and the principles of life and freedom that stand in stark contrast to much of the onlooking world and to have the courage to defend it, even if it requires the level courage that these young men were called to.

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