I’m Lovin’ It: Former Obama Press Secretary now works at McDonald’s

June 10, 2015

WRITER

Where do you go after the White House? If you’re former press secretary Robert Gibbs, it seems like you just move from one clown to another. McDonald’s has brought Gibbs on as their new global director of communications with the hope he can clean up their image and help open doors in Washington. Yes, government is so out of control that it now makes total sense for a burger company to need a man with access in D.C.

Below is a rush transcript of this segment:

GLENN: McDonald's has introduced kale to its menu. And now they've hired Robert Gibbs. If you know who Robert Gibbs is -- a friend of mine was just on a plane. Was coming back from someplace and was sitting there. And her passport was in her hand. She fell asleep on takeoff. Her passport fell on the ground. Slid across the aisle. She didn't wake up. A guy reaches over. Picks it up. Holds it. And just holds it while she's asleep. She wakes up. And he says, I'm sorry. Your passport, you know, fell out of your hands when you fell asleep on takeoff. She said, oh, thank you. And they started this conversation. It was a nice conversation. He said, yeah -- she said, what were you doing here? He said, I just got a chance to see the Rolling Stones.

Took my son or daughter to the rolling stone. Went back stages. Got a chance to meet. She was like, how did you pull that off? He said, well, I used to have a pretty good job that kind of opened some doors like that for me. She said, wow, really? Like what did you do? And he said --

PAT: Former White House press secretary.

GLENN: He said, quote, seriously? That was his response. Seriously? And she said, yeah. What job did you have? And he said, I used to work at a big house, it was all white, and I'm probably the most second hated man in America. And she went, oh, my gosh. I used to scream at you on my television.

[laughter]

And it was Robert Gibbs. And now Robert Gibbs is going to work at McDonald's because they want to, quote, be a progressive burger company.

STU: He'll work as a cashier or what's his role? He's not qualified for that, quite. But maybe those --

GLENN: I don't know. Maybe they're having real problems, and he'll be like, look, I just want to tell you, your burger didn't taste as bad as you thought it did. What? Your burger, no, that's -- that's real meat.

STU: We gave you a Whopper. I'm telling you we gave you a Whopper.

GLENN: That's actually what he would say.

PAT: I eat Whoppers every day.

GLENN: I was thinking, no, Stu, it's McDonald's. No. That's Robert Gibbs --

STU: Yeah, he would lie about the burger. Yes, he would.

GLENN: Yeah. This is Burger King. You were eating at Burger King, I don't know what you're talking about.

JEFFY: He'll be a little bit higher up than the burger flipper. Just a little.

GLENN: Still beneath the clown?

JEFFY: Well, everyone is beneath the clown.

GLENN: Some things never change. Working for a clown then, working for a clown now.

PAT: Well, he's Executive Vice President, Global Chief Communications Officer. Isn't that what he is?

GLENN: Come on. Who thought this guy was good?

JEFFY: He'll be in charge of the company's communications and government affairs.

GLENN: Okay. Stop. McDonald's has government affairs?

PAT: Come on.

GLENN: McDonald's has government affairs?

JEFFY: That's what it says.

GLENN: I'm going to raise my hand again. Never again is right now. Raise your hand with me. When McDonald's, a burger company needs someone in government affairs, that's a problem. It's no longer the United States of America anymore.

STU: Yeah, that's a great point. Because there probably are a lot of reasons they need him -- I don't know what they are. They probably do. It's sad. They should be out of the business completely.

GLENN: Well, was the government trying to sell the pink slime, or was the fast food restaurants trying to sell that pink slime? Because if you're either selling buying or selling that pink slime stuff, then you would need the government. Because you would need to buy it from the government, if the government was selling it, or you would need to get the government to turn the other -- you need somebody to go, look, look over there while they're making the pink slime.

STU: When you're in a situation where the biggest city in America had a mayor who was trying to ban large soda cups. There are threats of lawsuits all the time that they're responsible for people's health. They are constantly being targeted by people who are saying that they had to make their portions smaller. Have you seen a McDonald's happy meal fry lately? I literally mean it singular. It's like one fry in the box. It's like a shot glass full of fries. It's adorable.

PAT: And instead, you get an apple or something.

STU: You get four fries and a little bag of apple slices.

GLENN: I don't want the apple slices. As Jim Gaffigan pointed out on yesterday's program, we don't go to McDonald's because we want to jog. We're not going for a run after McDonald's. It's not like we feel good about ourselves. That's why we go to McDonald's. You're going to make me feel good -- I'm not going to eat the crappy apples, man. If I wanted apples, I would go to any other place than McDonald's.

I want that crap that is almost entirely not organic. I want that stuff that is, in fact, so nonorganic, I don't think the meat actually came from an animal. That's what I'm there for. Give it to me.

STU: Yeah. And I guess they have to have someone -- I mean, you certainly don't hire Robert Gibbs because you believe he's good at his job. You hire Robert Gibbs because he knows people.

GLENN: Isn't that a problem? We're no longer a meritocracy.

PAT: Well, he was one of the worst press secretaries of all time. There's just no doubt about that.

GLENN: The guy -- he shouldn't be --

STU: He should be cleaning the grease out if he will work at McDonald.

GLENN: Yeah, he's not the guy that you put in charge of anything, when it comes to corporate communications.

STU: But he has close friends who owe him favors all over the government, and that's how you get big jobs.

GLENN: That's bad. We're no longer a meritocracy.

STU: Yeah.

PAT: So listen to the statement from the CEO, Steve Easterbrook: Robert is a highly respected, talented leader who will bring a wealth of experience and outside perspective to McDonald's as we build a more modern progressive burger company.

Does he know what he's saying when he says that? Is it progressive in that we want to espouse --

GLENN: Engage in eugenics.

PAT: No. Obviously not eugenics. Unless they're killing cows, which they are.

GLENN: Oh, my gosh, they're what?

PAT: They're killing cows.

GLENN: What? I didn't know that.

PAT: Actually it may be seaweed. There's a lot of carrageenan in that. Obviously, if they want to espouse that ideology, they want to push forward some agenda. Maybe they want to be more active in the progressive movement. But is that what he means? Or does he mean, we just want to move forward in the world?

GLENN: I take Levi's at their words when they said they wanted to be the progressive uniform of the future. They knew what they were saying because they were showing revolution on the street while they were saying it. So they knew exactly what they were saying. McDonald's, I can't imagine that they're like -- can you?

STU: They are putting kale on the menu.

GLENN: Yeah, but that's --

PAT: And quinoa.

GLENN: You can say that's progressive, and we'll make progress, and we'll be that forward-thinking healthier -- nobody is going to go there. Is anybody going to McDonald's because all of a sudden they're healthy?

PAT: No.

GLENN: The only reason to go is because you just have this -- I don't know, they put some chemical in it that just makes you have to go like once a month. And then you have to go like every 20 minutes. But you go there and it's because you're like, I just have to have some of that garbage food in me.

STU: Oh, yeah. That's great.

GLENN: There's nothing wrong with a little garbage from time to time. And those apple pies, which when we were kids, they didn't have real apples in them.

PAT: They were made of plastic.

GLENN: They were almost made of plastic. They had real sugar in it at the time. It was sugar, plastic, and then some sort of a crust that I don't think had actual flour in it.

STU: I think they call it a casing.

GLENN: Yeah, genetic casing. Like a sheep's lining or something. They would just deep fry --

PAT: Put it under a spigot and just shoot it into the --

GLENN: That was good. When they used to -- because then they were like, we're having a baked apple pie. That was not nearly as good as the flaming hot apple pie that used to come out --

PAT: That was deep fat fried.

GLENN: Oh, it was so good. Remember, you would have almost like a -- like a -- a welt in the top of your mouth. Your skin would -- a blister. The whole top of your mouth would be a blister. After you would eat it, you would have to peel the skin off the roof of your mouth. Because they were so hot. It was like 4,000 degrees when they would hand it to you.

PAT: But that was the beginning of the end. When they started baking the apple pies.

GLENN: That was the beginning of the end. Oh, we can't have all that grease on it. That's what makes it good! You're McDonald's. Have you seen the complexion of the guy who is your spokesman? He's got white makeup on and big, huge red lips. And I think the red lips were from eating the really hot apple pies. That wasn't makeup. It's not like, I want to look a little more like the clown. He looks healthy.

PAT: Plus, how big are his feet? Have you seen his shoes? Massive. Massive.

STU: If you have a clown for your spokesperson before, and now you have a new one.

PAT: Yes.

STU: It is the same philosophies.

GLENN: So how do we feel -- what's the verdict before we move on? I mean on the progressive thing.

PAT: I'm done defending McDonald's. I'm done.

GLENN: You know what, I'm comfortable there. I was going to say, I don't know if I can go to McDonald's again, but I don't go to McDonald's. My wife goes to McDonald. She brings the kids.

STU: That's the theory, by the way, behind the kale and the quinoa. It's not because people like us will go there and order it. It's because you have kids. And your wife is bringing them to McDonald's, and she doesn't want to eat Quarter Pounders with cheese. She wants to eat something that's mildly healthy, so they can get her something where she doesn't feel terrible about what she's ordering there, and they get to go play in the play place.

GLENN: Yeah, that's fine.

PAT: But when the lefties are calling them a big, fat organization, a big corporation that doesn't care about their workers -- I'm going to say yep. You're right. They suck. McDonald's sucks.

GLENN: You made a good case. I think they actually mean it. Because they know that everyone's fast food workers, $15 an hour. That's why they hired Robert Gibbs. It's because they know -- to defend against that and say, no, we're a good progressive -- you know what, I hate them. The more I think about them, the more I hate them.

PAT: Yeah, it's over.

STU: They're defending against lawsuits. They're defending against fat shaming.

PAT: All this is a preemptive strike against all that.

GLENN: Yeah. It should be the opposite way.

STU: Yeah, use Burger King as your --

PAT: Look at those guys.

STU: Don't use us as the example. We have Robert Gibbs. Use one of these other crappy places.

PAT: Yep.

GLENN: You know what their strategy is? And I think it's because their product comes from the same source. They have the same PR as big oil. Look at BP. Beyond Petroleum. Bullcrap. You're not Beyond Petroleum. You're an oil company.

[laughter]

We're Beyond Petroleum. No, you're not. Who does that?

STU: Yeah.

GLENN: Look, we're really proud of what we make. We have changed the world. But we're going to get out of this the first chance we can. It's like they -- they think they're selling heroin or something.

STU: They just recognize the PR climate and are trying to bail themselves out of it.

GLENN: Isn't America just at the point where you're like, yep, we're a big oil company. We've changed the world. And we'll continue to change the world. And when somebody comes up with a better idea, we'll be on board. Until that time, saddle up. Come on over here. We'll fill your tank with some really great gasoline. Then you can stop at McDonald's and get some really nasty food.

How did Trump's would-be assassin get past Secret Service?

PATRICK T. FALLON / Contributor | Getty Images

Editor's Note: This article was originally published on TheBlaze.com.

Former President Donald Trump on Saturday was targeted in an assassination attempt during a campaign rally in Pennsylvania. It occurred just after 6:10 p.m. while Trump was delivering his speech.

Here are the details of the “official” story. The shooter was Thomas Matthew Crooks. He was 20 years old from Bethel Park, Pennsylvania. He used an AR-15 rifle and managed to reach the rooftop of a nearby building unnoticed. The Secret Service's counter-response team responded swiftly, according to "the facts," killing Crooks and preventing further harm.

Did it though? That’s what the official story says, so far, but calling this a mere lapse in security by Secret Service doesn't add up. There are some glaring questions that need to be answered.

If Trump had been killed on Saturday, we would be in a civil war today. We would have seen for the first time the president's brains splattered on live television, and because of the details of this, I have a hard time thinking it wouldn't have been viewed as JFK 2.0.

How does someone sneak a rifle onto the rally grounds? How does someone even know that that building is there? How is it that Thomas Matthew Crooks was acting so weird and pacing in front of the metal detectors, and no one seemed to notice? People tried to follow him, but, oops, he got away.

How could the kid possibly even think that the highest ground at the venue wouldn't be watched? If I were Crooks, my first guess would be, "That’s the one place I shouldn't crawl up to with a rifle because there's most definitely going to be Secret Service there." Why wasn't anyone there? Why wasn't anyone watching it? Nobody except the shooter decided that the highest ground with the best view of the rally would be the greatest vulnerability to Trump’s safety.

Moreover, a handy ladder just happened to be there. Are we supposed to believe that nobody in the Secret Service, none of the drones, none of the things we pay millions of dollars for caught him? How did he get a ladder there? If the ladder was there, was it always there? Why was the ladder there? Secret Service welds manhole covers closed when a president drives down a road. How was there a ladder sitting around, ready to climb up to the highest ground at the venue, and the Secret Service failed to take it away?

There is plenty of video of eyewitnesses yelling that there was a guy with a rifle climbing up on a ladder to the roof for at least 120 seconds before the first shot was fired. Why were the police looking for him while Secret Service wasn't? Why did the sniper have him in his sights for over a minute before he took a shot? Why did a cop climb up the ladder to look around? When Thomas Matthew Cooks pointed a gun at him, he then ducked and came down off the ladder. Did he call anyone to warn that this young man had a rifle within range of the president?

How is it the Secret Service has a female bodyguard who doesn't even reach Trump's nipples? How was she going to guard the president's body with hers? How is it another female Secret Service agent pulled her gun out a good four minutes too late, then looked around, apparently not knowing what to do? She then couldn't even get the pistol back into the holster because she's a Melissa McCarthy body double. I don't think it's a good idea to have Melissa McCarthy guarding the president.

Here’s the critical question now: Who trusts the FBI with the shooter’s computer? Will his hard drive get filed with the Nashville manifesto? How is it that the Secret Service almost didn't have snipers at all but decided to supply them only one day before the rally because all the local resources were going to be put on Jill Biden? I want Jill Biden safe, of course. I want Jill Biden to have what the first lady should have for security, but you can’t hire a few extra guys to make sure our candidates are safe?

How is it that we have a Secret Service director, Kimberly Cheatle, whose experience is literally guarding two liters of Squirt and spicy Doritos? Did you know that's her background? She's in charge of the United States Secret Service, and her last job was as the head of security for Pepsi.

This is a game, and that's what makes this sick. This is a joke. There are people in our country who thought it was OK to post themselves screaming about the shooter’s incompetence: “How do you miss that shot?” Do you realize how close we came to another JFK? If the president hadn't turned his head at the exact moment he did, it would have gone into the center of his head, and we would be a different country today.

Now, Joe Biden is also saying that we shouldn't make assumptions about the motive of the shooter. Well, I think we can assume one thing: He wanted to kill the Republican presidential candidate. Can we agree on that at least? Can we assume that much?

How can the media even think of blaming Trump for the rhetoric when the Democrats and the media constantly call him literally worse than Hitler who must be stopped at all costs?

These questions need to be answered if we want to know the truth behind what could have been one of the most consequential days in U.S. history. Yet, the FBI has its hands clasped on all the sources that could point to the truth. There must be an independent investigation to get to the bottom of these glaring “mistakes.”

POLL: Do you think Trump is going to win the election?

Kevin Dietsch / Staff, Chip Somodevilla / Staff, Kevin Dietsch / Staff | Getty Image

It feels like all of the tension that has been building over the last four years has finally burst to the surface over the past month. Many predicted 2024 was going to be one of the most important and tumultuous elections in our lifetimes, but the last two weeks will go down in the history books. And it's not over yet.

The Democratic National Convention is in August, and while Kamala seems to be the likely candidate to replace Biden, anything could happen in Chicago. And if Biden is too old to campaign, isn't he too old to be president? Glenn doesn't think he'll make it as President through January, but who knows?

There is a lot of uncertainty that surrounds the current political landscape. Trump came out of the attempted assassination, and the RNC is looking stronger than ever, but who knows what tricks the Democrats have up their sleeves? Let us know your predictions in the poll below:

Is Trump going to win the election?

Did the assassination attempt increase Trump's chances at winning in November?

Did Trump's pick of J.D. Vance help his odds?

Did the Trump-Biden debate in June help Trump's chances?

Did Biden's resignation from the election hand Trump a victory in November?

Do the Democrats have any chance of winning this election?

What is the Secret Service trying to hide about Trump's assassination attempt?

KAMIL KRZACZYNSKI / Contributor, Anadolu / Contributor | Getty Images

This past weekend we were mere inches away from a radically different America than the one we have today. This was the first time a president had been wounded by a would-be assassin since 1981, and the horrific event has many people questioning the competency and motives of the supposedly elite agents trusted with the president's life.

The director of the Secret Service apparently knew about the assassin's rooftop before the shooting—and did nothing.

Kimberly Cheatle has come under intense scrutiny these last couple of weeks, as Secret Service director she is responsible for the president's well-being, along with all security operations onsite. In a recent interview with ABC, Cheatle admitted that she was aware of the building where the assassin made his mark on American history. She even said that she was mindful of the potential risk but decided against securing the site due to "safety concerns" with the slope of the roof. This statement has called her competence into question. Clearly, the rooftop wasn't that unsafe if the 20-year-old shooter managed to access it.

Glenn pointed out recently that Cheatle seems to be unqualified for the job. Her previous position was senior director in global security at America's second-favorite soda tycoon, PepsiCo. While guarding soda pop and potato chips sounds like an important job to some, it doesn't seem like a position that would qualify you to protect the life of America's most important and controversial people. Even considering her lack of appropriate experience, this seems like a major oversight that even a layperson would have seen. Can we really chalk this up to incompetence?

Former Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle KAMIL KRZACZYNSKI / Contributor | Getty Images

The Secret Service and DHS said they'd be transparent with the investigation...

Shortly after the attempted assassination, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), which oversees the Secret Service, launched an investigation into the shooting and the security protocols in place at the rally. The DHS promised full transparency during the investigation, but House Republicans don't feel that they've been living up to that promise. Republican members of the House Oversight Committee are frustrated with Director Cheatle after she seemingly dodged a meeting scheduled for Tuesday. This has resulted in calls for Cheatle to step down from her position.

Two FBI agents investigate the assassin's rooftop Jeff Swensen / Stringer | Getty Images

Why is the Secret Service being so elusive? Are they just trying to cover their blunder? We seem to be left with two unsettling options: either the government is even more incompetent than we'd ever believed, or there is more going on here than they want us to know.

Cheatle steps down

Following a horrendous testimony to the House Oversight Committee Director Cheatle finally stepped down from her position ten days after the assassination attempt. Cheatle failed to give any meaningful answer to the barrage of questions she faced from the committee. These questions, coming from both Republicans and Democrats, were often regarding basic information that Cheatle should have had hours after the shooting, yet Cheatle struggled with each and every one. Glenn pointed out that Director Cheatle's resignation should not signal the end of the investigation, the American people deserve to know what happened.

What we DO and DON'T know about Thomas Matthew Crooks

Jim Vondruska / Stringer | Getty Images

It has been over a week since 20-year-old Thomas Matthew Crooks narrowly failed to assassinate President Trump while the president gave a speech at a campaign rally in Butler, Pennslyvania. Despite the ongoing investigations, we still know very little about the would-be assassin, which has left many wondering if the agencies involved are limiting the information that Congress and the public are receiving.

As Glenn has pointed out, there are still major questions about the shooter that are unanswered, and the American people are left at the whim of unreliable federal agencies. Here is everything we know—and everything we don't know—about Thomas Matthew Crooks:

Who was he?

What we know:Thomas Crooks lived in Bethel Parks, Pennsylvania, approximately an hour south of Butler. Crooks went to high school in Bethel Parks, where he would graduate in 2022. Teachers and classmates described him as a loner and as nerdy, but generally nice, friendly, and intelligent. Crooks tried out for the school rifle team but was rejected due to his poor aim, and reports indicate that Crooks was often bullied for his nerdy demeanor and for wearing camo hunting gear to school.

After high school, Crooks began work at Bethel Park Skilled Nursing and Rehabilitation Center as a dietary aide. In fact, he was scheduled to work on the day of the rally but requested the day off. He passed a background check to work at the facility and was reportedly an unproblematic employee. Crooks was also a member of a local gun club where he practiced shooting the day before the rally.

It was recently revealed that sometime before his attempted assassination, Crooks posted the following message on Steam, a popular computer application used for playing video games: "July 13 will be my premiere, watch as it unfolds." Aside from this, Crooks posted no warning or manifesto regarding his attack, and little other relevant information is known about him.

What we don't know:It is unclear what Crook's political affiliations or views were, or if he was aligned with any extremist organizations. Crooks was a registered Republican, and his classmates recall him defending conservative ideas and viewpoints in class. On the other hand, the Federal Election Commission has revealed he donated to a progressive PAC on the day Biden was inaugurated. He also reportedly wore a COVID mask to school much longer than was required.

Clearly, we are missing the full picture. Why would a Republican attempt to assassinate the Republican presidential nominee? What is to gain? And why would he donate to a progressive organization as a conservative? This doesn't add up, and so far the federal agencies investigating the attack have yet to reveal anything more.

What were his goals?

What we know: Obviously we know he was trying to assassinate President Trump—and came very close to succeeding, but beyond that, Crooks' goals are unknown. He left no manifesto or any sort of written motive behind, or if he did, the authorities haven't published it yet. We have frustratingly little to go off of.

What we don't know: As stated before, we don't know anything about the movies behind Crooks' heinous actions. We are left with disjointed pieces that make it difficult to paint a cohesive picture of this man. There is also the matter that he left explosives, ammo, and a bulletproof vest in his car. Why? Did he assume he was going to make it back to his car? Or were those supplies meant for an accomplice that never showed up?

The shocking lack of information on Crooks' motives makes it seem likely that we are not being let on to the whole truth.

Did he work alone?

What we know: Reportedly, Crooks was the only gunman on the site, and as of now, no other suspects have been identified. The rifle used during the assassination attempt was purchased and registered by Crooks' father. However, it is unlikely that the father was involved as he reported both his son and rifle missing the night of the assassination attempt. Crooks' former classmates described him as a "loner," which seems to corroborate the narrative that he worked alone.

What we don't know: We know how Crooks acquired his rifle, but what about the rest of his equipment? He reportedly had nearly a hundred extra rounds of ammunition, a bulletproof vest, and several homemade bombs in his car. Could these have been meant for a co-conspirator who didn't show? Did Crooks acquire all of this equipment himself, or did he have help?

There's also the matter of the message Crooks left on the video game platform Steam that served as his only warning of the attack. Who was the message for? Are there people out there who were aware of the attack before it occurred? Why didn't they alert authorities?

We know authorities have access to Crooks' laptop and cellphone that probably contain the answers to these pertinent questions. Why haven't we heard any clarity from the authorities? It seems we are again at the mercy of the federal bureaucracy, which begs one more question: Will we ever know the whole truth?

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