Where do you go after the White House? If you’re former press secretary Robert Gibbs, it seems like you just move from one clown to another. McDonald’s has brought Gibbs on as their new global director of communications with the hope he can clean up their image and help open doors in Washington. Yes, government is so out of control that it now makes total sense for a burger company to need a man with access in D.C.
Below is a rush transcript of this segment:
GLENN: McDonald's has introduced kale to its menu. And now they've hired Robert Gibbs. If you know who Robert Gibbs is -- a friend of mine was just on a plane. Was coming back from someplace and was sitting there. And her passport was in her hand. She fell asleep on takeoff. Her passport fell on the ground. Slid across the aisle. She didn't wake up. A guy reaches over. Picks it up. Holds it. And just holds it while she's asleep. She wakes up. And he says, I'm sorry. Your passport, you know, fell out of your hands when you fell asleep on takeoff. She said, oh, thank you. And they started this conversation. It was a nice conversation. He said, yeah -- she said, what were you doing here? He said, I just got a chance to see the Rolling Stones.
Took my son or daughter to the rolling stone. Went back stages. Got a chance to meet. She was like, how did you pull that off? He said, well, I used to have a pretty good job that kind of opened some doors like that for me. She said, wow, really? Like what did you do? And he said --
PAT: Former White House press secretary.
GLENN: He said, quote, seriously? That was his response. Seriously? And she said, yeah. What job did you have? And he said, I used to work at a big house, it was all white, and I'm probably the most second hated man in America. And she went, oh, my gosh. I used to scream at you on my television.
And it was Robert Gibbs. And now Robert Gibbs is going to work at McDonald's because they want to, quote, be a progressive burger company.
STU: He'll work as a cashier or what's his role? He's not qualified for that, quite. But maybe those --
GLENN: I don't know. Maybe they're having real problems, and he'll be like, look, I just want to tell you, your burger didn't taste as bad as you thought it did. What? Your burger, no, that's -- that's real meat.
STU: We gave you a Whopper. I'm telling you we gave you a Whopper.
GLENN: That's actually what he would say.
PAT: I eat Whoppers every day.
GLENN: I was thinking, no, Stu, it's McDonald's. No. That's Robert Gibbs --
STU: Yeah, he would lie about the burger. Yes, he would.
GLENN: Yeah. This is Burger King. You were eating at Burger King, I don't know what you're talking about.
JEFFY: He'll be a little bit higher up than the burger flipper. Just a little.
GLENN: Still beneath the clown?
JEFFY: Well, everyone is beneath the clown.
GLENN: Some things never change. Working for a clown then, working for a clown now.
PAT: Well, he's Executive Vice President, Global Chief Communications Officer. Isn't that what he is?
GLENN: Come on. Who thought this guy was good?
JEFFY: He'll be in charge of the company's communications and government affairs.
GLENN: Okay. Stop. McDonald's has government affairs?
PAT: Come on.
GLENN: McDonald's has government affairs?
JEFFY: That's what it says.
GLENN: I'm going to raise my hand again. Never again is right now. Raise your hand with me. When McDonald's, a burger company needs someone in government affairs, that's a problem. It's no longer the United States of America anymore.
STU: Yeah, that's a great point. Because there probably are a lot of reasons they need him -- I don't know what they are. They probably do. It's sad. They should be out of the business completely.
GLENN: Well, was the government trying to sell the pink slime, or was the fast food restaurants trying to sell that pink slime? Because if you're either selling buying or selling that pink slime stuff, then you would need the government. Because you would need to buy it from the government, if the government was selling it, or you would need to get the government to turn the other -- you need somebody to go, look, look over there while they're making the pink slime.
STU: When you're in a situation where the biggest city in America had a mayor who was trying to ban large soda cups. There are threats of lawsuits all the time that they're responsible for people's health. They are constantly being targeted by people who are saying that they had to make their portions smaller. Have you seen a McDonald's happy meal fry lately? I literally mean it singular. It's like one fry in the box. It's like a shot glass full of fries. It's adorable.
PAT: And instead, you get an apple or something.
STU: You get four fries and a little bag of apple slices.
GLENN: I don't want the apple slices. As Jim Gaffigan pointed out on yesterday's program, we don't go to McDonald's because we want to jog. We're not going for a run after McDonald's. It's not like we feel good about ourselves. That's why we go to McDonald's. You're going to make me feel good -- I'm not going to eat the crappy apples, man. If I wanted apples, I would go to any other place than McDonald's.
I want that crap that is almost entirely not organic. I want that stuff that is, in fact, so nonorganic, I don't think the meat actually came from an animal. That's what I'm there for. Give it to me.
STU: Yeah. And I guess they have to have someone -- I mean, you certainly don't hire Robert Gibbs because you believe he's good at his job. You hire Robert Gibbs because he knows people.
GLENN: Isn't that a problem? We're no longer a meritocracy.
PAT: Well, he was one of the worst press secretaries of all time. There's just no doubt about that.
GLENN: The guy -- he shouldn't be --
STU: He should be cleaning the grease out if he will work at McDonald.
GLENN: Yeah, he's not the guy that you put in charge of anything, when it comes to corporate communications.
STU: But he has close friends who owe him favors all over the government, and that's how you get big jobs.
GLENN: That's bad. We're no longer a meritocracy.
PAT: So listen to the statement from the CEO, Steve Easterbrook: Robert is a highly respected, talented leader who will bring a wealth of experience and outside perspective to McDonald's as we build a more modern progressive burger company.
Does he know what he's saying when he says that? Is it progressive in that we want to espouse --
GLENN: Engage in eugenics.
PAT: No. Obviously not eugenics. Unless they're killing cows, which they are.
GLENN: Oh, my gosh, they're what?
PAT: They're killing cows.
GLENN: What? I didn't know that.
PAT: Actually it may be seaweed. There's a lot of carrageenan in that. Obviously, if they want to espouse that ideology, they want to push forward some agenda. Maybe they want to be more active in the progressive movement. But is that what he means? Or does he mean, we just want to move forward in the world?
GLENN: I take Levi's at their words when they said they wanted to be the progressive uniform of the future. They knew what they were saying because they were showing revolution on the street while they were saying it. So they knew exactly what they were saying. McDonald's, I can't imagine that they're like -- can you?
STU: They are putting kale on the menu.
GLENN: Yeah, but that's --
PAT: And quinoa.
GLENN: You can say that's progressive, and we'll make progress, and we'll be that forward-thinking healthier -- nobody is going to go there. Is anybody going to McDonald's because all of a sudden they're healthy?
GLENN: The only reason to go is because you just have this -- I don't know, they put some chemical in it that just makes you have to go like once a month. And then you have to go like every 20 minutes. But you go there and it's because you're like, I just have to have some of that garbage food in me.
STU: Oh, yeah. That's great.
GLENN: There's nothing wrong with a little garbage from time to time. And those apple pies, which when we were kids, they didn't have real apples in them.
PAT: They were made of plastic.
GLENN: They were almost made of plastic. They had real sugar in it at the time. It was sugar, plastic, and then some sort of a crust that I don't think had actual flour in it.
STU: I think they call it a casing.
GLENN: Yeah, genetic casing. Like a sheep's lining or something. They would just deep fry --
PAT: Put it under a spigot and just shoot it into the --
GLENN: That was good. When they used to -- because then they were like, we're having a baked apple pie. That was not nearly as good as the flaming hot apple pie that used to come out --
PAT: That was deep fat fried.
GLENN: Oh, it was so good. Remember, you would have almost like a -- like a -- a welt in the top of your mouth. Your skin would -- a blister. The whole top of your mouth would be a blister. After you would eat it, you would have to peel the skin off the roof of your mouth. Because they were so hot. It was like 4,000 degrees when they would hand it to you.
PAT: But that was the beginning of the end. When they started baking the apple pies.
GLENN: That was the beginning of the end. Oh, we can't have all that grease on it. That's what makes it good! You're McDonald's. Have you seen the complexion of the guy who is your spokesman? He's got white makeup on and big, huge red lips. And I think the red lips were from eating the really hot apple pies. That wasn't makeup. It's not like, I want to look a little more like the clown. He looks healthy.
PAT: Plus, how big are his feet? Have you seen his shoes? Massive. Massive.
STU: If you have a clown for your spokesperson before, and now you have a new one.
STU: It is the same philosophies.
GLENN: So how do we feel -- what's the verdict before we move on? I mean on the progressive thing.
PAT: I'm done defending McDonald's. I'm done.
GLENN: You know what, I'm comfortable there. I was going to say, I don't know if I can go to McDonald's again, but I don't go to McDonald's. My wife goes to McDonald. She brings the kids.
STU: That's the theory, by the way, behind the kale and the quinoa. It's not because people like us will go there and order it. It's because you have kids. And your wife is bringing them to McDonald's, and she doesn't want to eat Quarter Pounders with cheese. She wants to eat something that's mildly healthy, so they can get her something where she doesn't feel terrible about what she's ordering there, and they get to go play in the play place.
GLENN: Yeah, that's fine.
PAT: But when the lefties are calling them a big, fat organization, a big corporation that doesn't care about their workers -- I'm going to say yep. You're right. They suck. McDonald's sucks.
GLENN: You made a good case. I think they actually mean it. Because they know that everyone's fast food workers, $15 an hour. That's why they hired Robert Gibbs. It's because they know -- to defend against that and say, no, we're a good progressive -- you know what, I hate them. The more I think about them, the more I hate them.
PAT: Yeah, it's over.
STU: They're defending against lawsuits. They're defending against fat shaming.
PAT: All this is a preemptive strike against all that.
GLENN: Yeah. It should be the opposite way.
STU: Yeah, use Burger King as your --
PAT: Look at those guys.
STU: Don't use us as the example. We have Robert Gibbs. Use one of these other crappy places.
GLENN: You know what their strategy is? And I think it's because their product comes from the same source. They have the same PR as big oil. Look at BP. Beyond Petroleum. Bullcrap. You're not Beyond Petroleum. You're an oil company.
We're Beyond Petroleum. No, you're not. Who does that?
GLENN: Look, we're really proud of what we make. We have changed the world. But we're going to get out of this the first chance we can. It's like they -- they think they're selling heroin or something.
STU: They just recognize the PR climate and are trying to bail themselves out of it.
GLENN: Isn't America just at the point where you're like, yep, we're a big oil company. We've changed the world. And we'll continue to change the world. And when somebody comes up with a better idea, we'll be on board. Until that time, saddle up. Come on over here. We'll fill your tank with some really great gasoline. Then you can stop at McDonald's and get some really nasty food.