Humans Will Evolve Into Aquaman?

It would be so cool to be Aquaman, right?

Well, if scientific expert Dr. Matthew Skinner hypothesizes correctly, we may all get to experience what it feels like to be an aquatic superhero.

Here's the deal, when global warming hits and the ice caps melt, we'll all be living in an underwater community, right? (We'll need a community organizer.) So, naturally, we'll have to evolve to survive.

This is where things take a super cool turn---our bodies will change so we can swim better. We'll get longer fingers and toes that eventually become webbed, and our eyes will adjust to the low light conditions by growing a nictitating membrane. (For you climate change skeptics out there, that means we'll grow a third eyelid. Yay!)

Unfortunately, Dr. Skinner misses one really critical change.

"Now, nowhere does he say that we'll have gills so we can breathe underwater, which would be a good safety tip," Glenn suggested. "But our fingers are going to grow longer. We're going to get webbed fingers, webbed toes."

The most important takeaway, though, is how all of this can be avoided if we save the planet.

"It's just another in the series of scare tactics," said co-host Stu. "Oh, my God. We're going to get webbed feet. I don't want webbed feet for my children. We need to make America great again. No more webbed feet."

You might want to get new floaties and flippers for the kids.

Below is a rush transcript of this segment, it might contain errors.

GLENN: I have to play this. And, Stu, I want to put together a series. We're launching a new season of the Glenn Beck radio program. And if you're watching any of the behind the scenes stuff, some of it was released on Facebook last night. In the next year, we're going to be making a lot of new changes to the show. Trying some new things out. One of them is going to be a -- a series of serials, if you will, to where we'll take on a topic or a question and we'll try to answer that question over several episodes. And one of them, I think we need to do is the hysteria of global warming and compare it to the futurists of the 1930s, '40s, and '50s. The guys who said, "Oh, yeah, by 2020, it's just going to be flying cars and everything else."

By the year 2000, we won't even be eating food. We'll be having little cubes that will have all your nourishment in there. Restaurants will be banished.

Listen to this scientist who says that because of global warming, man's body is about to change.

MATTHEW: The first scenario relates to global warming. We imagine that the ice caps are melting. We see a drastic rise in sea levels. And humans are forced to live in an underwater community. And so what we might see is changes to our body, which help us to swim better. For example, we might see a lengthening of our fingers. This might cause us to evolve webbed fingers and toes.

PAT: Oh.

MATTHEW: Another critical thing that we'll need to do is to be able to see in low light conditions that we find underwater. Perhaps, most striking, we might see something called a nictitating membrane. And this is essentially a third eyelid, which helps protect the eye in an underwater environment.

GLENN: That's Dr. Matthew Skinner. Now, nowhere does he say that we'll have gills so we can breathe underwater, which would be a good safety tip. But our fingers are going to grow longer. We're going to get webbed fingers, webbed toes.

PAT: Webbed feet.

GLENN: Webbed feet, and a new eye lid so we can see --

STU: That sounds awesome. Getting around quicker in the water.

PAT: Plus, we're not going to die. We're just going to adapt. We're going to evolve, right? So what's the problem?

GLENN: So what's the problem? Oh, the earth is going to be -- no, we'll all be living, we'll just be living like Aquaman. This is just crazy. That's one of the craziest things I've ever heard.

PAT: Oh, man.

GLENN: And he says it with a straight face. And the -- and the academic community is like, "Yes, we're going to develop webbed feet."

PAT: Webbed feet and webbed hands.

GLENN: Because we'll all be living underwater. Oh, my gosh. Don't they see it? They just don't see it, do they?

STU: It's kind of embarrassing.

GLENN: It really is.

STU: It's kind of embarrassing that they will go to these lengths. Again, it kind of disproves their own thesis. The point is, we'll all die and there will be no humanity left. No, I thought we were going to evolve.

GLENN: We're going to progress. We're going to progress into something even better. It's progress.

STU: There you go. Can you imagine if a conservative said this. Look, yeah, there might be some global warming, but we're going to get gills. We're going to get a third eyelid.

GLENN: Can you imagine? How do you say that except to a group of maybe first graders who will accept that? Who accepts that, that we're going to grow longer fingers, webbed feet, webbed toes, and a third eyelid? Come on.

STU: It's just another in the series of scare tactics. Oh, my God. We're going to get webbed feet. I don't want webbed feet for my children. We need to make America great again. No more webbed feet.

Featured Image: Photo Credit: DC Comics

Would Glenn make a better bounty hunter or a Jedi? You'll have to find out in a new episode of the Beltway Banthas Podcast, where Glenn goes deep on Star Wars with host Stephen Kent. In this 45 minute discussion, Stephen and Glenn explore the political themes of the Star Wars franchise, Darth Vader's redemption from Return of the Jedi, Glenn's earliest memories of seeing the films and even debate elements of the latest Star Wars films.

If you enjoy the pop culture and nerdy discussions that Glenn, Pat and Stu get into on the radio show, you'll love this! After you're through, you can also check out Stu Burguiere's appearance on Beltway Banthas to talk Star Wars. You can find that here.

It's never too early to start your Christmas, Hanukah, or Kwanzaa shopping. Or even birthday gift shopping. Especially if that special someone in your life is a Democrat. Because at last count, pretty much all the Democrats are now running for president. And that means there has never been a wider selection of official candidate merchandise to choose from. Whether you're into environmentalism, feminism, classism, socialism, or just plain love, there is a smorgasbord of classy items that you and yours will treasure forever... or at least until the next presidential election.

We have browsed each of the candidates' online stores, so you don't have to (it only took us three months). We have curated only the finest items from each of the Democrats running for president of the United States of America. Without further ado, here is your handy progressive gift guide – or maybe your what-not-to-gift guide.

First, the bargain basement options. Hurry! Time is running out to grab your Beto bandana, or your Delaney pack of golf balls, because at this point Stu has as much of a chance as these guys of getting the nomination.

Tom Steyer, for example – is he still in the race?

There's way too much Tom here. That shirt's got more Toms than a Caucasian dentists' convention.

For the slightly more moderate Democrat in your life, perhaps they'd like to join the "Yang Gang"…

Andrew Yang is a lock for Math Club president…

But for actual president? Well, I wouldn't make plans for how you're going to spend your $1,000-per-month Yang allowance just yet.

If you happen to be shopping for your dog, may I suggest this lovely "Dogs for Delaney" dog collar…

John Delaney's definitely going to secure the canine vote with this kind of outreach. As for any human votes, that's another question entirely.

How 'bout this tastefully understated "Natural Canvas" Michael Bennet tote to remind you he's also still here?...

Then again, it's a tote. So, it'll end up on the floor of your closet and you won't have it with you until that one random moment when you're out somewhere and you really need a tote bag. Just like Democrats will really wish they had a moderate when we're in the middle of the socialist nightmare of their creation.

Captain Planet himself, Jay Inslee recently dropped out of the race, but don't let that stop you from picking up what may be the greatest single item sold by anyone in this race…

A children's book called Elvis & the Elves: the Mystery of the Melting Snow. Written and illustrated by Governor Jay Inslee. Talk about a whodunnit – how could that snow possibly be melting? Spoiler alert: it's because of evil, white, patriarchal capitalism. And Donald Trump.

Then there's the candidate who thinks you're a moron that can't pronounce his last name: Steve Bullock...

Get it? Bull. Lock. Oh, so that's how you say the name that sounds exactly how it's spelled.

There's another candidate who also thinks you need help pronouncing his last name…

And he is definitely right about that. So, thank you, Pete "Boot Edge Edge." That helps.

Just outside the bargain bin section, but just barely, are candidates like Julian Castro and his "El Presidente" t-shirt…

When your last name's Castro, do you really want to go with a weird drawing of yourself as if you're a classic Latin American dictator on a postage stamp?

If you prefer a little "dark psychic forces" battling in your candidates, you'll love Marianne Williamson's "Turn Love Into a Political Force" rally sign…

"Turn Love Into a Political Force" would be an even better title for a Marianne Williamson album of 80s cover songs. And if you think I'm joking, then you haven't heard Bernie Sanders' classic 1987 folk album, We Shall Overcome. That's not a joke. Well, it is a joke, but it's also a very real thing.

Now, just a quick pause to consider the peculiar baby-wear that way too many candidates are selling…

…including Elizabeth Warren's trans-pride flag onesie. Let me get this straight – we can't force any gender on a child, because that's just cruel. But we can force a political advertisement on a baby? How do we know that baby is actually a Biden or Warren fan? The child may not even be a Democrat or a Socialist at all. That baby might self-identify as a Libertarian, or Republican, or even worse – a moderate Democrat.

Now to the premium items from the premium candidates. Elizabeth Warren – the candidate with the most honesty in her advertising…


Warren's merchandise reflects the woman herself – cold and humorless (watch her "This isn't funny" clip from the last debate here at the 4:27 mark). I'm sure she's really fun once you get to know her. Then again, maybe not.

Speaking of serious women, Kamala Harris wants to be president very badly for you, the people, as you can tell from her "For the People" poster…

At $29.99 though, she's sure not charging "people's" prices. Of course, she might be having to pay royalties to a certain someone for riffing on their poster. Just saying.

For the race's number one socialist, there's a whole lot of capitalism going on in Bernie Sanders' campaign. He sells so many delightful items that it's hard to choose. But we did anyway. The most random item is this hundred-dollar, black, "Art of a Political Revolution – Artists for Bernie Sanders Coaches Jacket"…

Coaches across the land will be clamoring for this one. You know, since coaches are such a strong Bernie-socialist demographic.

If that's a little over your budget you might consider a "Feel the Bern" fanny pack, to help store all those government freebies you'll get from Bernie…

This is the only context in which you'll ever want to hear "feel the burn" and "fanny" in the same sentence.

And finally, from front-runner Joe Biden, we have this fine "Women's Fitted Biden Polo." Which is just about the best polo description ever…

It promises the kind of snug approach that Biden loves to provide women. Even when they don't ask.

This was one of the first homesteads in the area in the 1880's and was just begging to be brought back to its original glory — with a touch of modern. When we first purchased the property, it was full of old stuff without any running water, central heat or AC, so needless to say, we had a huge project ahead of us. It took some vision and a whole lot of trust, but the mess we started with seven years ago is now a place we hope the original owners would be proud of.

To restore something like this is really does take a village. It doesn't take much money to make it cozy inside, if like me you are willing to take time and gather things here and there from thrift shops and little antique shops in the middle of nowhere.

But finding the right craftsman is a different story.

Matt Jensen and his assistant Rob did this entire job from sketches I made. Because he built this in his off hours it took just over a year, but so worth the wait. It wasn't easy as it was 18"out of square. He had to build around that as the entire thing we felt would collapse. Matt just reinforced the structure and we love its imperfections.

Here are a few pictures of the process and the transformation from where we started to where we are now:

​How it was

It doesn't look like much yet, but just you wait and see!

By request a photo tour of the restored cabin. I start doing the interior design in earnest tomorrow after the show, but all of the construction guys are now done. So I mopped the floors, washed the sheets, some friends helped by washing the windows. And now the unofficial / official tour.

The Property

The views are absolutely stunning and completely peaceful.