Glenn Has Hugest, Most Special Show Ever — And Mexico Paid for It

It don't get much better than this, folks. Glenn had the most fabulous, most special show ever on Wednesday following the New Hampshire primary. He didn't provide a whole lot of detail on how the show was special --- it just was because he said so. And --- drum roll, please --- China and Mexico paid for the whole shebang. It was "uge."

"Oh, my gosh, this is huge. It's spectacular. It's special. New Hampshire is such a special place. The people are special, and I'll always remember them," Glenn proclaimed.

When asked by co-host Pat Gray if it was the greatest show God ever created, Glenn answered with certainty and bravado.

"I would say that this show that I'm doing --- I'm going to make this show great again --- and I'm going to be remembered as the greatest show host that God has ever created," Glenn said.

Not only was the show "uge," but it was paid for by other countries and businesses.

"This is a beautiful door. And I've made Mexico pay for this door. They paid for this door," Glenn revealed. "I told them they had to pay for it. And look at this beautiful door. That's the way it works. That's the way this show works."

The other fantastic thing that made this show so good, so fast and so strong --- Glenn's new look. He was killin' it with a new sunburned, racoon-eyed look.

"I look good, don't I? Do I look good, beautiful, handsome? The most fabulous guy ever?" Glenn asked.

Actually, he looked a little like Donald Trump during his New Hampshire victory speech.

"Here's what happened," Glenn explained. "Last night I was watching the Donald's speech and I fell asleep in a bed. And I got up this morning and here I am."

Glenn fell asleep in a bed? A regular bed or a tanning bed?

"Let's move on to the show," Glenn said. "We have a beautiful show. A magnificent show. Probably the greatest show that God ever created for you on today's program."

Enjoy this complimentary clip from The Glenn Beck Program:

Below is a rush transcript of this segment, it might contain errors:

GLENN: My gosh! This is going to be the most fabulous, the most special, the ugest show you've ever heard. It is going to be the most special show we've ever done. In fact, it is so special. It is so uge -- China -- I mean, we've got a show. It's called we've got a show. And it's happening right now. And let me tell you this, it's going to be so special, so uge. We're going to make China, and we're going to make Mexico pay for it right now.

(music)

GLENN: Oh, my gosh, this is huge. It's spectacular. It's special. New Hampshire is such a special place. The people are special. And I'll always remember them.

PAT: Would you say that this is the greatest show that God has ever created?

GLENN: I would say that this show that I'm doing -- I'm going to make this show great again. And I'm going to be remembered as the greatest show host that God has ever created.

STU: You're going to do a show so good and so fast and so strong, believe you.

GLENN: What?

STU: You're going to do a show so good.

GLENN: Yes, so good.

STU: So fast.

GLENN: So fast.

STU: And so strong.

GLENN: And so strong.

STU: Believe you.

GLENN: Believe you.

PAT: No, you would say believe me.

GLENN: Believe me. Okay. I'm going to do a show so good, so fast, so strong. Believe me.

JEFFY: There you go.

PAT: Wow, I do. How could I not?

GLENN: I don't know. I don't know.

PAT: How could I not?

GLENN: Ask me how I'm going to do the show.

PAT: How are you going to do the show?

GLENN: I'm going to get Mexico to pay for it.

PAT: How are you going to get Mexico to pay for it?

GLENN: I'm going to get Mexico -- look, it's called we got a show. And we're going to do this show. It's going to have a beautiful -- come here. I just want to show you something.

PAT: Yeah.

GLENN: I just want to show you something.

PAT: Okay.

GLENN: This is a beautiful wall. Wouldn't you agree this is a beautiful wall?

PAT: Yeah.

GLENN: And look at this door.

PAT: It's a beautiful door.

GLENN: This is a beautiful door. And I've made Mexico pay for this door. They paid for this door.

PAT: Did they pay for it because you told them they had to? That's a beautiful door.

GLENN: I told them they had to pay for it. And look at this beautiful door. That's the way it works. That's the way this show works.

PAT: Did you just come in legally through that beautiful --

GLENN: I came in legally through that door. And anybody can legally come through that door. As long as I say -- the damn Muslims will stay out of that door, I'll tell you that. We'll keep those damn Muslims out of that door.

PAT: Of course. Because, look, it's called we have a country. And we got to be safe.

GLENN: We got to be safe. And we're going to start winning in this room --

PAT: Just until we understand what's going on. When we figure out what's going on, then Muslims can come back on.

GLENN: Because we don't know what what's going on.

PAT: What's going on? I don't know.

GLENN: I don't know what's going on.

STU: Kind of a vague idea to reverse that policy.

PAT: We'll figure out what's going on. Then we'll let Muslims come back in through that big, beautiful door.

STU: What --

GLENN: It's called we have a show.

JEFFY: It's called management.

GLENN: Can I say this? Do you see that wall? It's beautiful.

STU: It's fine.

GLENN: 18 feet. Probably 18.

PAT: No. Twenty feet maybe.

GLENN: Twenty feet. That's a 20-foot wall here. And I want you to notice. Not only here, but over here. What do you call this?

PAT: I call that a door.

GLENN: What kind of door?

PAT: A beautiful door.

GLENN: That is a beautiful door right here.

PAT: People can come in and out of that door.

GLENN: Beautiful wall, beautiful door. Guess who paid for that?

PAT: Mexico and China.

GLENN: Mexico.

PAT: Just Mexico on that one. Because you said they were going to pay for it?

GLENN: I said they're going to pay for it.

PAT: And they did.

GLENN: Right. That door over here, you know who paid for this door?

PAT: No.

GLENN: Look at this door. We have three days -- actually we have four doors. See this door, this is a beautiful door, right? Know who paid for that one?

PAT: It's a beautiful door. Mexico.

GLENN: Nope. Home Depot. I walked into Home Depot and I said, you're paying for that door. And they said, what do you mean we're paying for that door? And I said, you're paying for that door. You see this one over here, this is a beautiful door.

PAT: Right.

GLENN: Beautiful door. This is the fourth door in this room. See this one. Know who paid for this one?

PAT: That big, beautiful door.

GLENN: That door.

PAT: That's actually a smaller beautiful door than the other big beautiful --

GLENN: Yeah, it's a smaller door. You know who paid for that one?

PAT: Lowe's. Because you told them too.

GLENN: Lowe's paid for that. I walked in and said, you're paying for that door.

STU: Because you have a trade-in balance with Lowe's, where you've been paying them.

GLENN: That's exactly right. They need my money at Lowe's. So I go into Lowe's and I tell them, you know what, this door, you're paying for this door.

PAT: At first I bet they said, no, we're not. That's ridiculous.

GLENN: At first they called the police. But then they paid for the door because I said to.

PAT: Because you said to. Okay.

GLENN: So, anyway --

PAT: I would vote for you for best show.

STU: Yeah. Although I did want to ask one show detail, which is you look a little different today.

GLENN: What do you mean I look different. It's radio show.

STU: Well, we broadcast on TheBlaze TV as well.

GLENN: I look good, don't I? Do I look good, beautiful, handsome? The most fabulous guy ever?

STU: Yes, but it's different.

GLENN: What do you mean? I don't understand what you're saying.

PAT: You look a little like Donald --

GLENN: Here's what happened. Last night I was watching the Donald's speech and I fell asleep in a bed. And I got up this morning and here I am. So maybe it's my hair --

STU: You fell asleep in a bed?

GLENN: Let's move on to the show. We have a beautiful show. A magnificent show. Probably the greatest show that God ever created for you on today's program. I really liked the humility of Donald Trump last night. I thought it was really good. I thought -- I like the way he thanked and said congratulations to the other people that lost. It was really nice.

PAT: Wasn't that nice?

GLENN: It was heartfelt. It was uge. It was uge. And sincere. And here it is.

DONALD: You know, when I came out, I heard the end of Bernie's speech, and I heard some of the beginning.

(booing)

DONALD: No, no. First of all, congratulations to Bernie. In all fairness, we have to congratulate him. We may not like it. But I heard parts of Bernie's speech. He wants to give away our country, folks. He wants to give away -- we're not going to let it happen. We're not going to let it happen. I don't know where it's going with Bernie. We wish him a lot of luck. But we are going to make America great again, but we're going to do it the old-fashioned way. We're going to beat China, Japan. We're going to beat Mexico at trade. We're going to beat all of these countries that are taking so much of our money away from us on a daily basis. It's not going to happen anymore.

PAT: It's not going to happen anymore. I love that. You know what else isn't going to happen anymore? Drugs. They're not going to happen anymore.

GLENN: Drugs aren't going to happen anymore?

DONALD: And by the way, for the people of New Hampshire, where you have a tremendous problem with heroin and drugs. You wouldn't even believe it. You see this place and you say, "It's so beautiful." You have a tremendous problem.

The first thing always that they mention to me, "Mr. Trump, please do something. The drugs, the heroin, it's pouring in, and it's so cheap because there's so much of it. And the kids are getting stuck. And other people are getting stuck." We're going to end it. We're going to end it at the southern border. It's going to be over.

PAT: Wow. It's going to be over. Drugs are going to be over.

GLENN: He's going to end it. It's beautiful. Well, he's going to end it at the border. The southern border. Northern border, it will pour in on the northern border. Southern border, not going to pour in anymore.

PAT: Well, there isn't going to be a big, beautiful wall.

JEFFY: People are still going to get stuck. Younger people, older people, they're still going to get stuck from the --

GLENN: No, he's going to end that. He's going to end that. Don't ask for any details. But he'll end that. He's a guy that can get a sunburn in a snowstorm, so he can do things that most people can't do.

PAT: And nobody mentions it.

GLENN: That's the weird thing. That's the weird thing. Nobody seems to want to talk about the odd sunburn that he had from the snowstorm.

STU: So it's like freezer burn?

GLENN: It might be freezer burn. HEP he might have been wearing snow goggles and opened the door and freezer burn on his face.

STU: So you think it's right if people were to mention like a really odd appearance thing that is really --

GLENN: No, I just think that it would be something that somebody might say.

STU: Should bring up?

GLENN: You know, you walk out and you look like you've just been freezer burned. You would think that somebody might casually just say, "Did he look odd?" Here's the thing. My wife walked in last night and she said, "What the hell happened to Donald Trump?" And I said, "What do you mean?" And she said, "Look at him." And I said, "Okay. So it's not just me?" She's like, "No, really. What happened to him? Is he really angry, except for the raccoon part around his eyes?"

JEFFY: Did you see your wife before you left this morning, after you fell asleep in a bed?

GLENN: No, I don't know what you're talking.

JEFFY: Oh.

GLENN: So do you have the part about Donald Trump where he said, "I want to thank all of the other guys. And, you know, look, we got to do it." You didn't get that?

PAT: No.

GLENN: It was really -- go back and look at his speech, and we'll play it later. It was amazing how he talked about the other people. And he begrudgingly said congratulations to everyone else. And okay. There I said it. You didn't hear that? Did anybody notice that?

JEFFY: Well, that's what he did with Bernie there too.

GLENN: Yeah, he said, we got to do it. We don't like it, but we got to do it. But it was even worse when he talked about the other people. He was like, there. Okay. We got it done. We had to do it. Where there was just no -- there was just no graciousness.

PAT: Well, there's none in him.

JEFFY: Yeah.

Featured Image: Screenshot from The Glenn Beck Program:

It's time for our April 29, 2019 edition of our Candidate Power Rankings. We get to add two new candidates, write about a bunch of people that have little to no chance of winning, and thank the heavens we are one day closer to the end of all of this.

In case you're new here, read our explainer about how all of this works:

The 2020 Democratic primary power rankings are an attempt to make sense out of the chaos of the largest field of candidates in global history.

Each candidate gets a unique score in at least thirty categories, measuring data like polling, prediction markets, fundraising, fundamentals, media coverage, and more. The result is a candidate score between 0-100. These numbers will change from week to week as the race changes.

The power rankings are less a prediction on who will win the nomination, and more a snapshot of the state of the race at any given time. However, early on, the model gives more weight to fundamentals and potentials, and later will begin to prioritize polling and realities on the ground.

These power rankings include only announced candidates. So, when you say "WAIT!! WHERE'S XXXXX????" Read the earlier sentence again.

If you're like me, when you read power rankings about sports, you've already skipped ahead to the list. So, here we go.

See previous editions here.

20. Wayne Messam: 13.4 (Last week: 18th / 13.4)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

A former staffer of Wayne Messam is accusing his wife of hoarding the campaign's money.

First, how does this guy have "former" staffers? He's been running for approximately twelve minutes.

Second, he finished dead last in the field in fundraising with $44,000 for the quarter. Perhaps hoarding whatever money the campaign has is not the worst idea.

His best shot at the nomination continues to be something out of the series "Designated Survivor."

Other headlines:

19. Marianne Williamson: 17.1 (Last week: 17th / 17.1)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

Marianne Williamson would like you to pay for the sins of someone else's great, great, great grandparents. Lucky you!

Williamson is on the reparations train like most of the field, trying to separate herself from the pack by sheer monetary force.

How much of your cash does she want to spend? "Anything less than $100 billion is an insult." This is what I told the guy who showed up to buy my 1989 Ford Tempo. It didn't work then either.

Other headlines:

18. John Delaney: 19.7 (Last week: 15th / 20.3)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

Good news: John Delaney brought in $12.1 million in the first quarter, enough for fifth in the entire Democratic field!

Bad news: 97% of the money came from his own bank account.

Other headlines:

17. Eric Swalwell: 20.2 (Last week: 16th / 20.2)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

The Eric Swalwell formula:

  • Identify news cycle
  • Identify typical left-wing reaction
  • Add steroids

Democrats said there was obstruction in the Mueller report. Swalwell said there “certainly" was collusion.

Democrats said surveillance of the Trump campaign was no big deal. Swalwell said there was no need to apologize even if it was.

Democrats said William Barr mishandled the release of the Mueller report. Swalwell said he must resign.

Democrats say they want gun restrictions. Swalwell wants them all melted down and the liquid metal to be poured on the heads of NRA members. (Probably.)

16. Seth Moulton: 20.6 (NEW)

Who is Seth Moulton?

No, I'm asking.

Moulton falls into the category of congressman looking to raise his profile and make his future fundraising easier— not someone who is actually competing for the presidency.

He tried to block Nancy Pelosi as speaker, so whatever help he could get from the establishment is as dry as Pelosi's eyes when the Botox holds them open for too long.

Moulton is a veteran, and his military service alone is enough to tell you that he's done more with his life than I'll ever do with mine. But it's hard to see the road to the White House for a complete unknown in a large field of knowns.

Don't take my word for it, instead read this depressing story that he's actually telling people on purpose:

"I said, you know, part of my job is take tough questions," Moulton told the gathered business and political leaders. "You can ask even really difficult questions. And there was still silence. And then finally, someone in the way back of the room raised her hand, and she said, 'Who are you?' "

Yeah. Who are you?

15. Tim Ryan: 21.6 (Last week: 14th / 20.7)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

When you're talking to less than sixteen people in Iowa one week after your launch, you don't have too much to be excited about.

Ryan did get an interview on CNN, where he also talked to less than sixteen people.

He discussed his passion for the Dave Matthews Band, solidifying a key constituency in the year 1995.

Other headlines:

14. Tulsi Gabbard: 25.2 (Last week: 14th / 25.9)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

Tulsi Gabbard torched Kamala Harris in fundraising!!!!! (Among Indian-American donors.)

No word on who won the coveted handi-capable gender-neutral sodium-sensitive sub-demographic.

She received a mostly false rating for her attack on the Trump administration regarding its new policy on pork inspections, a topic not exactly leading the news cycle. Being from Hawaii, the state which leads the nation in Spam consumption, she was probably surprised when this didn't go mega viral.

Other headlines:

13. Andrew Yang: 27.2 (Last week: 12th / 27.1)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

Yang has a few go-to lines when he's on the campaign trail, such as: "The opposite of Donald Trump is an Asian man who likes math." Another is apparently the Jeb-esque "Chant my name! Chant my name!"

Yang continues to be one of the more interesting candidates in this race, essentially running a remix of the "One Tough Nerd" formula that worked for Michigan Governor Rick Snyder.

I highly recommend listening to his interview with Ben Shapiro, where Yang earns respect as the only Democratic presidential candidate in modern history to actually show up to a challenging and in-depth interview with a knowledgeable conservative.

But hidden in the Shapiro interview is the nasty little secret of the Yang campaign. His policy prescriptions, while still very liberal, come off as far too sane for him to compete in this Stalin look-alike contest.

Other headlines:

12. Jay Inslee: 30.4 (Last week: 11th / 30.4)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

If you read the Inslee candidate profile, I said he was running a one-issue climate campaign. This week, he called for a climate change-only debate, and blamed Donald Trump for flooding in Iowa.

He also may sign the nation's first "human composting" legalization bill. He can start by composting his presidential campaign.

Other headlines:

11. John Hickenlooper: 32.2 (Last week: 10th / 32.0)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

John Hickenlooper was sick of being asked if he would put a woman on the ticket, in the 0.032% chance he actually won the nomination.

So he wondered why the female candidates weren't being asked if they would name a male VP if they won?

Seems like a logical question, but only someone who is high on tailpipe fumes would think it was okay to ask in a Democratic primary. Hickenlooper would be better served by just transitioning to a female and demanding other candidates are asked why they don't have a transgendered VP.

Other headlines:

10. Julian Castro: 35.7 (Last week: 9th / 36.2)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

Lowering expectations is a useful strategy when your wife asks you to put together an Ikea end table, or when you've successfully convinced Charlize Theron to come home with you. But is it a successful campaign strategy?

Julian Castro is about to find out. He thinks the fact that everyone thinks he's crashing and burning on the campaign trail so far is an "advantage." Perhaps he can take the rest of the field by surprise on Super Tuesday when they finally realize he's actually running.

Other headlines:

9. Kirsten Gillibrand: 38.1 (Last week: 8th / 37.8)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

Gillibrand wants you to know that the reason her campaign has been such a miserable failure so far, is because she called for a certain senator to step down. The problem might also be that another certain senator isn't a good presidential candidate.

She also spent the week arm wrestling, and dancing at a gay bar called Blazing Saddle. In this time of division, one thing we can all agree on: Blazing Saddle is a really solid name for a gay bar.

Other headlines:

8. Amy Klobuchar: 45.1 (Last week: 7th / 45.5)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

Klobuchar is attempting a run in the moderate wing of the Democratic primary, which would be a better idea if such a wing existed.

She hasn't committed to impeaching Donald Trump and has actually voted to confirm over half of his judicial nominees. My guess is this will not be ignored by her primary opponents.

She also wants to resolve an ongoing TPS issue, which I assume means going by Peter Gibbons' desk every morning and making sure he got the memo about the new cover sheets.

Other headlines:

7. Elizabeth Warren: 45.3 (Last week: 6th / 46.0)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

Elizabeth Warren is bad at everything she does while she's campaigning. I don't really even watch Game of Thrones, and the idea that Warren would write a story about how the show proves we need more powerful women makes me cringe.

Of course, more powerful people of all the 39,343 genders are welcome, but it's such a transparent attempt at jumping on the back of a pop-culture event to pander to female voters, it's sickening.

We can only hope that when she's watching Game of Thrones, she's gonna grab her a beer.

Other headlines:

6. Cory Booker: 54.9 (Last week: 5th / 55.5)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

Booker is tied with Kamala Harris for the most missed Senate votes of the campaign so far. He gets criticized for this, but I think he should miss even more votes.

Booker is also pushing a national day off on Election Day—because the approximately six months of early voting allowed in every state just isn't enough.

Of course, making it easier to vote doesn't mean people are going to vote for Booker. So he's throwing trillions of dollars in bribes (my word, not his) to seal the deal.

Bookermania is in full effect, with 40 whole people showing up to his appearance in Nevada. Local press noted that the people were of "varying ages," an important distinction to most other crowds, which are entirely comprised of people with the same birthday.

Other headlines:

5. Robert Francis O’Rourke: 60.2 (Last week: 4th /62.6)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

Kirsten Gillibrand gave less than 2% of her income to charity. The good news is that she gave about seven times as much as Beto O'Rourke. Robert Francis, or Bob Frank, also happens to be one of the wealthiest candidates in the race. His late seventies father-in-law has been estimated to be worth as much as $20 billion, though the number is more likely to be a paltry $500 million.

He's made millions from a family company investing in fossil fuels and pharmaceutical stocks, underpaid his taxes for multiple years, and is suing the government to lower property taxes on a family-owned shopping center.

He's also all but disappeared. It's a long race, and you don't win a nomination in April of the year before election day. If he's being frugal and figuring out what he believes, it might be a good move.

But it's notable that all the "pretty boy" hype that Bob Frank owned going into this race has been handed over to Mayor Pete. Perhaps Beto is spending his time working on curbing the sweating, the hand gestures, and the issues with jumping on counters like a feline.

Other headlines:

4. Pete Buttigieg: 62.9 (Last week: 3rd / 62.9)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

When we first put candidates in tiers earlier this year, we broke everyone into five categories from "Front Runners" to "Eh, no." In the middle is a category called "Maybe, if everything goes right," and that's where we put Pete Buttigieg.

Well, everything has gone right so far. But Mayor Pete will be interested to learn that the other 19 candidates in this race are not going to hand him this nomination. Eventually, they will start saying negative things about him (they've started the opposition research process already), and it will be interesting to see how Petey deals with the pressure. We've already seen how it has affected Beto in a similar situation.

The media has spoken endlessly about the sexual orientation of Buttigieg, but not every Democratic activist is impressed. Barney Frank thinks the main reason he's getting this amount of attention is because he is gay. And for some, being a gay man just means you're a man, which isn't good enough.

When you base your vote on a candidate's genitals, things can get confusing.

Other headlines:

3. Kamala Harris: 68.6 (Last week: 1st / 69.1)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

There are a couple of ways to view the Harris candidacy so far.

#1 - Harris launched with much fanfare and an adoring media. She has since lost her momentum. Mayor Pete and former Mayor Bernie have the hype, and Kamala is fading.

#2 - Harris is playing the long game. She showed she can make an impact with her launch, but realizes that a media "win" ten months before an important primary means nothing. She's working behind the scenes and cleaning up with donations, prominent supporters, and loads of celebrities to execute an Obama style onslaught.

I tend to be in category 2, but I admit that's somewhat speculative. Harris seems to be well positioned to make a serious run, locking up more than double the amount of big Clinton and Obama fundraisers than any other candidate.

One interesting policy development for Harris that may hurt her in the primary is her lack of utter disgust for the nation of Israel. There's basically one acceptable position in a Democratic primary when it comes to Israel, which is that it's a racist and terrorist state, existing only to torture innocent Palestinians.

Certainly no one is going to mistake Harris for Donald Trump, but a paragraph like this is poison to the modern Democratic primary voter:

"Her support for Israel is central to who she is," Harris' campaign communications director, Lily Adams, told McClatchy. "She is firm in her belief that Israel has a right to exist and defend itself, including against rocket attacks from Gaza."

Just portraying the rocket attacks as "attacks" is controversial these days for Democrats, and claiming they are responses to attacks indicates you think the Jeeeewwwwwwwws aren't the ones responsible for the start of every hostility. Heresy!

Someone get Kamala a copy of the 'Protocols of the Elders of Zion' before she blows her chance to run the free world.

2. Bernie Sanders: 69.2 (Last week: 2nd / 68.3)

CANDIDATE PROFILE

If Bernie Sanders hates millionaires as much as he claims, he must hate the mirror. As a millionaire, it might surprise some that he donated only 1% to charity. But it shouldn't.

It's entirely consistent with Sandersism to avoid giving to private charity. Why would you? Sanders believes the government does everything better than the private sector. He should be giving his money to the government.

Of course, he doesn't. He takes the tax breaks from the evil Trump tax plan he derides. He spends his money on fabulous vacation homes. He believes in socialism for thee, not for me.

Yes, this is enough to convince the Cardi B's of the world, all but guaranteeing a lock on the rapper-and-former-stripper-that-drugged-and-stole-from-her-prostitution-clients demographic. But can that lack of consistency hold up in front of general election voters?

If Bernie reads this and would like a path to credibility, clear out your bank account and send it here:

Gifts to the United States
U.S. Department of the Treasury
Funds Management Branch
P.O. Box 1328
Parkersburg, WV 26106-1328


Other headlines:

1. Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.: 78.8 (NEW)

Joe has run for president 113 times during his illustrious career, successfully capturing the presidency in approximately zero of his campaigns.

However, when the eternally woke Barack Obama had a chance to elevate a person of color, woman, or anything from the rainbow colored QUILTBAG, he instead chose the oldest, straightest, whitest guy he could find, and our man Robinette was the beneficiary.

Biden has been through a lot, much of it of his own making. Forget about his plagiarism and propensity to get a nostril full of each passing females' hair, his dealings while vice president in both Ukraine and China are a major general election vulnerability— not to mention a legal vulnerability for his children. But hey, win the presidency and you can pardon everyone, right?

His supposed appeal to rust belt voters makes him, on paper, a great candidate to take on Trump. The Clinton loss hinged on about 40,000 voters changing their mind from Hillary to Donald in a few states—the exact areas where victory could possibly be secured by someone named "Middle Class Joe" (as he alone calls himself.)

No one loves Joe Biden more than Joe Biden, and there's a relatively convincing case for his candidacy. But we must remember this unquestionable truth: Joe Biden is not good at running for president.

He's a gaffe machine that churns out mistake after mistake, hoping only to have his flubs excused by his unending charisma. But, will that work without the use of his legendary groping abilities? Only time, and a few dozen unnamed women, will tell.

Also, yes. Robinette is really his middle name.

If only Karl Marx were alive today to see his wackiest ideas being completely paraded around. He would be so proud. I can see him now: Sprawled out on his hammock from REI, fiddling around for the last vegan potato chip in the bag as he binge-watches Academy Awards on his 70-inch smart TV. In between glances at his iPhone X (he's got a massive Twitter following), he sips Pepsi. In his Patagonia t-shirt and NIKE tennis shoes, he writes a line or two about "oppression" and "the have-nots" as part of his job for Google.

His house is loaded with fresh products from all the woke companies. In the fridge, he's got Starbucks, he loves their soy milk. He's got Ben & Jerry's in the freezer. He tells everyone that, if he shaved, he'd use Gillette, on account of the way they stand up for the Have-Nots. But, really, Marx uses Dollar Shave Club because it's cheaper, a higher quality. Secretly, he loves Chic-Fil-A. He buys all his comic books off Amazon. The truth is, he never thought people would actually try to make the whole "communism" thing work.

RELATED: SOCIALISM: This is the most important special we have done

Companies have adopted a form of socialism that is sometimes called woke capitalism. They use their status as corporations to spread a socialist message and encourage people to do their part in social justice. The idea of companies in America using socialism at all is as confusing and ridiculous as a donkey in a prom dress: How did this happen? Is it a joke? Why is nobody bursting out in laughter? How far is this actually going to go? Does someone actually believe that they can take a donkey to prom?

Companies have adopted a form of socialism that is sometimes called woke capitalism.

On the micro level, Netflix has made some socialist moves: The "like/dislike" voting system was replaced after a Netflix-sponsored stand-up special by Amy Schumer received as tidal wave of thumb-downs. This summer, Netflix will take it a step further in the name of squashing dissent by disabling user comments and reviews. And of course most of us share a Netflix account with any number of people. Beyond that, they're as capitalist as the next mega-company.

Except for one area: propaganda. Netflix has started making movie-length advertisements for socialism. They call them "documentaries," but we know better than that. The most recent example is "Knock Down the House," which comes out tomorrow. The 86-minute-long commercial for socialism follows four "progressive Democrat" women who ran in the 2018 midterms, including our favorite socialist AOC.

Here's a snippet from the movie so good that you'll have to fight the urge to wave your USSR flag around the room:

This is what the mainstream media wants you to believe. They want you to be moved. They want the soundtrack to inspire you to go out and do something.

Just look at how the mainstream media treated the recent high-gloss "documentary" about Ilhan Omar, "Time for Ilhan." It received overwhelmingly bad ratings on IMDb and other user-review platforms, but got a whopping 93% on the media aggregator Rotten Tomatoes.

This is exactly what the media wants you to think of when you hear the word socialism. Change. Empowerment. Strength. Diversity. They spend so much energy trying to make socialism cool. They gloss right over the unbelievable death toll. BlazeTV's own Matt Kibbe made a great video on this exact topic.

Any notion of socialism in America is a luxury, made possible by capitalism. The woke companies aren't actually doing anything for socialism. If they're lucky, they might get a boost in sales, which is the only thing they want anyway.

We want to show you the truth. We want to tell you the stories you won't hear anywhere else, not on Netflix, not at some movie festival. We're going to tell you what mainstream media doesn't want you to know.

Look at how much history we've lost over the years. They changed it slowly. But they had to. Because textbooks were out. So people were watching textbooks. It was printed. You would bring the book home. Mom and dad might go through it and check it out. So you had to slowly do things.

Well, they're not anymore. There are no textbooks anymore. Now, you just change them overnight. And we are losing new history. History is being changed in realtime.

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You have to write down what actually is happening and keep a journal. Don't necessarily tell everybody. Just keep a journal for what is happening right now. At some point, our kids won't have any idea of the truth. They will not have any idea of what this country was, how it really happened. Who were the good guys. Who were the bad guys. Who did what.

As Michelle Obama said. Barack knows. We have to change our history. Well, that's exactly what's happening. But it's happening at a very rapid pace.

We have to preserve our history. It is being systematically erased.

I first said this fifteen years ago, people need clay plots. We have to preserve our history as people preserved histories in ancient days, with the dead see scrolls, by putting them in caves in a clay pot. We have to preserve our history. It is being systematically erased. And I don't mean just the history of the founding of our country. I mean the history that's happening right now.

And the history that's happening right now, you're a problem if you're a conservative or a Christian. You are now a problem on the left, if you disagree and fall out of line at all. This is becoming a fascistic party. And you know what a fascist is. It doesn't matter if you're a Democrat or a Republican or an independent. If you believe it's my way or the highway, if you believe that people don't have a right to their opinion or don't have a right to their own life — you could do be a fascist.

Christianity might seem pretty well-protected in the U.S., but that's not the case in many parts of the globe.

On Easter Sunday, suicide bombers made the news for killing 290 innocent Christians in Sri Lanka and injuring another 500. On Tuesday, ISIS claimed responsibility for the massacre. Of course, the Western world mourned this tragic loss of life on a holy day of worship, but we forget that this isn't an isolated incident. Indeed, Christians are discriminated at extreme levels worldwide, and it needs to be brought to light. And whenever we do highlight brutal persecutions such as the Easter bombings in Sri Lanka, we need to call them what they are — targeted attacks against Christians. Sadly, many of our politicians are deathly afraid to do so.

RELATED: Hey media, there is absolutely a war on Christians!

A 2018 Pew Research Center study found that Christians are harassed in 144 countries — the most of any other faith — slightly outnumbering Muslims for the top of the list. Additionally, Open Doors, a non-profit organization that works to serve persecuted Christians worldwide, found in their 2019 World Watch List that over 245 million Christians are seriously discriminated against for their religious beliefs. Sadly, this translates into 4,136 Christians killed and 2,625 either arrested, sentenced, imprisoned, or detained without trial over the year-long study period. And when it comes to churches, those in Sri Lanka were merely added to a long list of 1,266 Christian buildings attacked for their religion.

These breathtaking stats receive very little coverage in the Western world. And there seems to be a profound hesitation from politicians in discussing the issue of persecution against Christians. In the case of the Sri Lanka bombings, there's even a reluctance to use the word "Christian."

After the horrific Pittsburgh Synagogue and New Zealand Mosque shootings, Democrats rightfully acknowledged the disturbing trend of targeted attacks against Jews and Muslims. But some of these same politicians refer to the Sri Lanka bombings with careless ambiguity.

So why is it so hard for our leaders to acknowledge the persecutions Christians face?

Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, for instance, certainly did — calling the incursions "attacks on Easter worshippers." Understandably, the term confused and frustrated many Christians. Although, supporters of these politicians argued the term was appropriate since a recent Associated Press report used it, and it was later picked up by a variety of media outlets, including Fox News. However, as more Democrats like 2020 presidential candidate Julián Castro and Rep. Dan Kildee continued to use the phrase "Easter worshippers," it became clear that these politicians were going out of their way to avoid calling a spade a spade.

So why is it so hard for our leaders to acknowledge the persecutions Christians face? For starters, Christianity in democratic countries like the U.S. is seen differently than in devastated countries like Somalia. According to Pew Research, over 70% of Americans are Christian, with 66% of those Christians being white and 35% baby boomers. So while diverse Christians from all over the world are persecuted for their faith—in the U.S., Christians are a dominant religion full of old white people. This places Christians at the bottom of progressives' absurd intersectional totem poll, therefore leaving little sympathy for their cause. However, the differing experiences of Christians worldwide doesn't take away from the fact that they are unified in their beliefs.

By refusing to name the faith of the Sri Lankan martyrs, politicians are sending a message that they have very little, if no, concern about the growing amount of persecution against Christians worldwide.

Martyrs don't deserve to be known as "Easter worshippers." They should be known by the Christian faith they gave their lives for. Decent politicians need to call the tragedy in Sri Lanka what it is — a vicious attack on the Christian faith.

Patrick Hauf (@PatrickHauf) is a writer for Young Voices and Vice President of Lone Conservative. His work can be found in the Washington Examiner, Townhall, FEE, and more.