News of Angelina Jolie filing for divorce reached the four corners of the earth today. Media outlets, carrier pigeons and trumpeters announced the breakup within milliseconds of receiving the press release.
Not even The Glenn Beck Program was immune.
"We're actually sitting here mourning the breakup of the family of Brad and Angelina," Glenn said Tuesday on his radio program.
As a result, both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be without partners for, like, a minute or less. Their six children, on the other hand, will sadly see their family dynamic change forever.
"I'm actually sad," Glenn said.
Enjoy this complimentary clip from The Glenn Beck Program:
Below is a rush transcript of this segment, it might contain errors:
GLENN: We're actually sitting here mourning the breakup of the family of Brad and Angelina.
PAT: Right because he could be alone for minutes. And so could she.
JEFFY: It's sad.
STU: Well, probably not in full minutes. Probably seconds.
PAT: Probably not full minutes, but like minute. Maybe up to minute.
STU: Probably not quite. I mean, you're exaggerating. But, yeah, probably 30 to 45 seconds, perhaps. We were talking about it off the air that --
PAT: There are people -- babes and men circling like vultures right now.
JEFFY: Yes. Flying over the estate.
PAT: Right now.
STU: I mean, Brad Pitt is actually like the name brand for good-looking men. He's the Kleenex of good-looking men. Like, "Oh, he's no Brad Pitt." That is exactly --
STU: So that's going to be -- it's not going to be a challenge, I don't think. He probably won't have to go on Tinder. It's probably going to be pretty --
GLENN: Oh, no, but he's going need to some consoling from some women, I'm sure.
STU: I don't think -- just open up the door, and they'll all flood in. He won't even be able to keep them out.
GLENN: Yeah. Yeah. But I'm actually --
GLENN: -- sad.
STU: They seemed to have a real relationship.
PAT: They seemed like they had a really good -- I guess they were together for a long -- like, 18 years?
STU: Yeah, they were together for nine years before they got married. Then they've been married for two years. So the marriage is what screwed it up.
PAT: A long time.
STU: Let me quote Jeffy here.
JEFFY: Thank you.
GLENN: Really sad. I wonder what changed.
GLENN: What? Marriage makes it stronger.
JEFFY: Right. Right.
GLENN: Marriage makes it stronger.
JEFFY: That's what I said.
GLENN: Just don't marry Jeffy.
JEFFY: Right. That's what I said.
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