PAT: Speaking of aliens, you want to hear about a real frightening alien story that I notice you're avoiding all day. All day he's avoiding the biggest alien story of the day, of the week. Perhaps one of the bigger stories in human history.
JEFFY: Hasn't even mentioned it.
GLENN: All right. Just give it --
PAT: That was a silly statement.
STU: It was.
PAT: Quite obviously the biggest story in human history.
JEFFY: It's embarrassing you wouldn't even mention it.
GLENN: Just give it to me. Just give it to me.
PAT: This broke the other day. I can't take credit for this. We did not break this. This was broken by Alex Jones on his show, I believe, last week.
VOICE: This may strike your listeners as way out, but we actually believe that there is a colony on Mars that is populated by children who were kidnapped and sent into space on a 20-year ride.
VOICE: So that once they get to Mars, they have no alternative, but to be slaves on the Mars colony.
ALEX: Look, I know 90 percent of the NASA missions are secret, and I've been told by high-level NASA engineers that you have no idea, there's so much stuff going on. But then it goes off into all that. You know, that's the kind of thing the media jumps on.
But I know this, we see a bunch of mechanical wreckage on Mars. And people say, oh, look, it looks like, you know, mechanics. They go, oh, you're a conspiracy theorist. Clearly, they don't want us looking into what's happening. Every time probes go over, they turn them off.
PAT: The child sex slave industry in Mars.
STU: What the hell was that clip --
PAT: I mean, why are we not talking about this? Why is something not being done? These children -- well, they're not children by the time they get there, granted. Okay.
GLENN: It's like a six months' trip to Mars.
PAT: I know. Why is it 20 years? Are they traveling --
GLENN: They may be using an old VanoLiner.
STU: Oh, okay. Yeah.
PAT: On the Chevy Astro van.
GLENN: The Chevy Astro van.
PAT: Top speed, about 40 miles an hour.
GLENN: Yeah. Scooby-Doo. They were using the -- it was twenty years. They got the --
PAT: Twenty-year trip.
GLENN: What was it? The Mystery Machine. Yeah, but what kind of van was it? Not the new one. Not the new one --
JEFFY: No, those were those Handi-Vans.
JEFFY: Those little Chevy Handi-Vans with the wheel up front.
STU: Yeah, I see you driving a white one around some neighborhoods sometimes.
JEFFY: Sell ice cream. Got to make some extra money somewhere. What are you talking about?
PAT: Just a little ice cream. Nothing wrong with that.
STU: That is a --
GLENN: Don't come around my house. I'll buy you out of ice cream every time you're in my neighborhood, brother.
STU: Wait. Can we discuss his actual point there? Because, first of all, you can see Alex Jones actually senses the media is going to make fun of him on this one.
PAT: Well, yeah.
STU: He's like, well, the media is going to jump all over this one. But his instinct is to still defend the guy.
PAT: Let me tell you something, NASA, about 90 percent of their missions are secret. Really?
JEFFY: I've been told by high-level NASA engineers, there's a lot going on.
GLENN: Hang on just a second. Hang on just a second. You don't even need to get to Alex Jones. You really don't. Just play it again. I'll tell you where to stop.
PAT: All right.
VOICE: This may strike your listeners as way out.
VOICE: But we actually believe that there is a colony on Mars --
PAT: Colony on Mars.
VOICE: -- that is populated by children who were kidnapped and sent into space on a 20-year ride.
GLENN: Why even go to Alex Jones?
PAT: I know.
GLENN: I mean, this is enough to feast on for a week.
STU: Well -- it is.
PAT: It is.
STU: Because, you're right. First of all, they were kidnapped and sent into space on a 20-year journey. First of all, they don't seem to actually be there yet.
GLENN: Who kidnapped?
PAT: Yeah. Who kidnapped them? I guess NASA.
STU: I guess NASA.
So they were kidnapped, they were sent into space on a 20-year mission. Although, he said there is a colony on Mars already. So -- but they don't seem to be there. He doesn't seem to have that down.
GLENN: Well, no. They are there. Because they're forced -- there's no way back. So they're forced to be slaves.
JEFFY: A twenty-year journey.
GLENN: But what are they doing -- what are they building on Mars?
STU: But listen to his wording, he's saying there is a colony on Mars.
PAT: Yes. But it's the colony of child sex slaves. Is it not?
STU: First of all, if they're there by themselves, who is enslaving them. Right? You would need someone to enslave them. And if they're 20-year-olds --
GLENN: Right. And why would they be sex slaves? Why do you just assume this is a sex planet?
PAT: They have no other choice, but --
STU: You somehow turned this story weird. How did you do that?
GLENN: Why does he always go to the darkest places?
STU: But listen to this.
PAT: Listen to this.
VOICE: This may strike your listeners as way out.
PAT: No. Come on now.
VOICE: But we actually believe that there is a colony on Mars.
STU: Colony on Mars.
PAT: Okay. There is a colony on Mars.
STU: Okay. So it's there, right?
VOICE: It is populated by children who were kidnapped.
PAT: Populated by children who were kidnapped.
STU: Who were kidnapped.
VOICE: And sent to space on a 20-year ride.
STU: Okay. Twenty-year ride.
VOICE: So once they get to Mars, they have no alternative, but to be slaves on the Mars colony.
PAT: No alternative. Okay. They have no alternatives but to be slaves.
JEFFY: I mean, no matter what planet they land on, they have no alternative.
GLENN: Yeah, look. Hang on just a second, you land on a planet, there's no food, there's no water, there's nothing. And they're like, use those shovels and make a big house for me because I'm coming at some point. You might kill the guy with a shovel, but as long as he's sending you food and water, yes, you're going to build him whatever he tells you to build.
GLENN: Because there's no --
PAT: That's probably true. Unless you have the smarts of, say, Matt Damon and you know how to make potatoes out of your own poop.
JEFFY: Bingo, my friend.
PAT: Why then, maybe you take a chance.
GLENN: And here's the problem. Here's the problem: They went up 17 years before that movie was made. They don't have any idea.
PAT: Yeah, right.
STU: That's true. Now, wait. You're exonerating Alex Jones' point here.
JEFFY: I know.
STU: Because he says -- okay. I know. First of all, he says, I know the media is going to mock this. But then he defends it anyway and tries to figure out a way that it could theoretically be true. Then he makes one of the most amazing odd guttural noises I've ever heard in my life. (sound effect).
But then he says, A, there's lots of wreckage on Mars. It looks like there's mechanics there.
GLENN: Mechanics. Fixing the Astro van! Fixing the Astro van.
STU: Listen to this one more time. We have to listen to this one more time.
PAT: Do you want to start with Alex?
STU: I think from here is fine. Yeah.
PAT: All right.
VOICE: Now, there's all kind of --
ALEX: Look, I know 90 percent of the NASA missions are secret, and I've been told by high-level NASA engineers that you have no idea. There's so much stuff going on. But then it goes off into all that. I mean, that's the kind of thing the media jumps on.
But I know this, we see a bunch of (sound effect), mechanical wreckage --
PAT: We see a bunch of (sound effect).
STU: We got to isolate that.
PAT: We see a lot of that. A lot of (sound effect). You know, I see a lot of (sound effect).
GLENN: What is it about Alex Jones that entertains you two for hours? You guys could listen to him for hours.
PAT: I could. I could. We could do just a whole show just on his segments. For sure.
STU: We didn't even get to the mechanic part yet.
PAT: Right. Here's (sound effect).
ALEX: And people say, oh, look, it looks like mechanics. They go, oh, your a conspiracy theorist. Clearly, they don't want us looking into what's happening.
Every time probes go over, they turn them off.
GLENN: Guys, where do you think -- where do you think all those Chevy Volts went? The government --
PAT: On a slow flight to Mars.
GLENN: Yes. There's no oxygen there. Fire -- what happens to fire with no oxygen? It can't burn. It's the only place the Chevy Volt is safe.
JEFFY: And I will say, as -- as you would expect, NASA has denied that it's running a child slave colony on --
PAT: Those bastards.
STU: Well, of course they're going to say that.
PAT: What are they going to say?
GLENN: That's why they didn't find any children in the pizza place.
PAT: They're all on Mars.
GLENN: They've just been shipped to Mars.
STU: The tunnels go to Mars.