PAT: We're going off script now by talking about kind of a weird thing that's happening now in Houston, with -- there's an indestructible insect in this state.
PAT: Cannot be killed. And apparently, there are floating mounds of fire ants.
STU: I'll have the creepy-crawlies all day after reading this story. But it's true. There are floating fire ant colonies in Houston. Now, fire ants are -- it's like the devil's dandruff.
STU: They are the worst things that have ever appeared in the world. They are borderline indestructible.
STU: I got bit by one weeks ago. And still itchy all over because of it. Even thinking about it now and getting the creepy-crawlies. They are awful. They are everywhere. You can't stop them.
I spend half of my time out in my backyard with various different crazy poisons that I'm sprinkling all over that will probably at some time kill my dog or something else-something else. But I just hate these things. I am like genocide-level dictator against fire ants. I'm like -- I'm in the middle of -- I am the worst humanity has ever produced when it comes to these fire ants. I just hate it.
PAT: They really are terrible. And they're extremely hard to kill.
STU: Right. And so you would think when the entire city would be under a couple feet of water.
PAT: They would kill them.
STU: They would kill them. At least this batch of them. They have somehow -- and there's pictures of them.
JEFFY: Yeah, the floating islands.
STU: They have created islands and are floating through the streets, millions of fire ants on top of each other crawling, and ugh. The pictures are horrific. And if you were -- I mean, this happened -- my daughter, we were at church -- this was a couple years ago. She was maybe two. Maybe even one at this point. And there -- as you walked to the car, there's a strip of grass on the side of where our church is. And, you know, your kid will run away and be silly and decide to do what they do. So she ran away into the grass. What's the big? No big deal, right? And she walked up to this tree. And she put her back to the tree. And we said, Ainsely, come here. Come back.
And she started laughing. Not listening.
And said, come on, Ainsley. Let's go. Let's go.
And then she just stood there and she just looked at us and stopped and went dead silent for about five seconds, and then just started bawling.
PAT: Oh, man.
STU: We were like, what is going on? Like, at first, it's just, what is wrong with her? And she's standing in the same place. She's not moving or anything. She's just frozen in fear.
JEFFY: She's frozen. That's what happens man.
STU: And she just starts crying like crazy. My wife runs over. And I'm covering over. And we look at her legs, and they are just covered in fire ants. She was standing in a mound of them.
STU: The entire field, she walked over and stopped in a mound of fire ants. So she's covered up to her knees. You know, it's dusting these things off. Her legs for the next three weeks were just these red welts everywhere.
JEFFY: Oh, yeah.
PAT: Oh, jeez. Yeah.
STU: These things are -- they are terrorists.
PAT: And they hurt. I mean, it hurts.
STU: It hurts, and then it itches for weeks afterwards. They are horrible.
And it's no surprise. Of all the things, they're going to make it through this freaking disaster. It's going to be fire ants. I hate them.
PAT: Fire ants and cockroaches are pretty much indestructible. You know, there's an idea, Jeffy had an idea that maybe that's what we drop on North Korea.
JEFFY: Thank you. Just drop mounds of fire ants on North Korea. Good day.
PAT: That will take care of the problem.
STU: It's actually not a bad idea.
They were talking about when North Korea was threatening to firing the missiles at Guam, that Guam apparently has had an issue with these snakes.
And, apparently, there's an invasive species of snakes on Guam where -- it's like to the issue of like there's so many -- it's like 100 times the amount of people, there are these crazy snakes. And, like, thousands of them are everywhere, apparently. That was the picture painted, at least.
STU: And the only way they could come up with to control this snake population is to airdrop poisoned mouse carcasses all over the island.
Can you imagine a plane flying over your island of paradise, and they're just dropping dead poison mice all over the place? But then the snakes eat them, and that's the only way they can control the population.
STU: I mean, there is a legitimate -- first of all, you drop them from 75,000 feet. You go all the way up there. They can barely detect it. And these fire ants will live through that fall, I promise.
PAT: No question.
JEFFY: They're going to live? They're going to breed eight families --
PAT: They're going to double the population by the time they hit the ground.
STU: That's true. That's true. I think this is a good approach to North Korea, who by the way fired another missile I guess. And also, they're now threatening nuclear tests in the middle of all this. So Donald Trump has his plate pretty full right now.
JEFFY: Boy, no kidding.