GLENN: Did you find yourself inexplicably offended this morning, or do you have that unsettled feeling, but you don't know why?
If this is you, I think I know the answer. Quickly, retrace your morning. What have you done? What were you when you got up? I'm guessing -- I'm only guessing here, but I think it's a pretty good guess that you probably ate a big bowl of corn pops for breakfast. I know, I know. It's uncanny. Glenn, how do you do it? How could you possibly know that I have corn puffs? Because you, my friend, are upset. And it's happened before.
A Marvel comics writer, Soledin HEP Ahmed -- I think I'm mispronouncing his name. I'm pretty sure I am. He suddenly found himself on Tuesday, feeling just as you are now. He was chowing down on a big bowl of corn pops, and he was wiping the sleep from his eyes. And he does what all of us do, read the back of the box.
Well, as he's gazing there be with the back of the cereal box, something caught his eye. There, in the midst of a cartoon depiction of little corn pops, playing and shopping in a mall, there was a darker corn pop, polishing the floor of the corn pop mall.
HEP Exkelsier, he thought to himself. I have found the reason why a sudden creep of offense has now ruined my morning routine. Ahmed sprang to action quicker than one of his superheroes. He needed to wield the power of Twitter. He tweeted. Hey, @KelloggsUS, why is literally the only brown corn pop on the whole cereal box the janitor? This is teaching our kids racism.
He sat by his phone, furiously refreshing his time line. The offense was boiling deep, somewhere deep in the pit of his soul. But there it came at 3:26 a.m. A response. There, on Ahmed's Twitter feed, a response from @KelloggsUS: Kellogg is committed to diversity and inclusion. We did not mean to offend. We apologize. The artwork is updated. And please leave us alone. It will soon be in stores.
Victory! Cue the slow motion superhero walkaway. What was now an exploding Twitter time line had changed the world for good.
So if you find yourself offended this morning, pull out your phone. Compose that tweet. Maybe you're not even offended by the same thing that triggered Ahmed. I mean, there is so much to be offended by. So much.
And your cereal box is only the beginning of a long arduous journey, into the land of offense.
Not only is the slightly darker corn pop apparently a janitor. He is also the only corn pop wearing clothes.
So why is it none of the white people, or corn pops, are wearing clothes? Is it possible that there is a Harvey Weinstein or worse yet, another very lightly tanned corn pop in a wheelchair, a George H.W. Bush corn pop that we can't see? And why do they hate all the janitorial arts? There is so much to be offended over these days. I don't want to kill your spirit. Just like Ahmed, there is a superhero in you. Take to social media. Cry racism. Cry sexism. Cry feminism. Cry transgenderism. Offensism. Whateverrism you've got in you. You too can manipulate a giant company, just as powerful as Kellogg's and bring them to their knees. To arms! To arms, America!