BREAKING: Beto 2020 campaign memo found in El Paso coffee shop!

April 01, 2019

An astute fan of the Glenn Beck Program recently found a curious document that was apparently left on a corner table of an El Paso coffee shop. Upon closer examination of the coffee-stained pages, the fan was rather surprised to discover it was a Beto campaign memo containing the rough draft of a communication from Beto to the nation explaining his campaign for president. The pages contained plenty of red ink – obviously whichever campaign adviser reviewed the communication wanted a lot of changes. They didn't mince words either, writing " Must discuss ASAP!" in red at the top of the first page. On page three, when Beto apparently planned to address the time he broke into the University of Texas at El Paso campus, the adviser bluntly wrote, "What? No." in the margin. Below is the full text of Beto's draft:

America! You may've heard – I'm running for president. That's right, I'm throwing my sombrero in the ring so to speak. And man, is it going to be fun. The road trip of my dreams. Just me, my guitar, and the open road. And a small group of traveling fans (some refer to them as the "press corps").

So, for those who don't know me yet – are you living in a cave? JK. Of course you've heard of me. You've also probably heard, thanks to some of my conservative compadres, that "Beto" is not my given name. That is true. But my truth is that I self-identify as Beto. Because Beto is the only name that fully encapsulates who I am – a millionaire, cultural appropriating Gen X-er with an open mind and an even opener heart. Just a sincere dude with an unfulfilled rock star fantasy, massive father-pleasing-baggage, and a generous helping of political opportunism and white, male, Ivy League privilege. F***, did I just over-share? I have a tendency to over-share. I also have a tendency to say f*** a lot. LOL.

You may've heard I'm married to the only daughter of a Texas real estate billionaire. That is also true. I can read between the lines, I hear the snarky whispers – did he marry for love or money? And I say, it's the 21st century, why can't we marry for both? I believe in an America where anyone can get married for the love of money.

Yes, like everyone, I've got a few skeletons in my closet. So, let's air the dirty laundry. During my Senate campaign last year, I aired my dirty laundry all the time on Facebook Lives from Laundromats all across Texas. But seriously, about that DWI when I was 26 – I honestly prefer to think of it as "Driving With Intent… to have a good time." People say I crashed into a truck and tried to flee the scene. But "hit and run" implies baseball, and I was never much of a baseball player. But I did row crew at Columbia. Not many guys with Hispanic first names can lay claim to that.

The truth is, I like beer. But not as much as that Kavanaugh guy, am I right? Let's talk about the truck that was in my path that night. Think about what that guy was likely dealing with – minimum wage job, probably barely afforded the gas that had him on the interstate. Imagine if he had had a living wage. Imagine an America where he could've afforded a faster car to get out of the way of my youthful driving, or maybe one of those fancy ones with side-view mirror blind spot warnings. Shouldn't we want side-view mirror warning lights for all? See, this is the kind of constructive conversation I want to have with you in Beto's Beanbag Bungalow.

I know we're going to become fast pals, America. Because I'm just one of you. We're just a couple bros, or, make that one bro and one lady, or one bro and a bro who identifies as a lady. Or whatever floats your boat because I want you to know I am totally down with that. But for the purposes of my scenario here, we're just a couple bros – you and me, America – kicked back on a couple of beanbags, sipping on craft beers from a local craft brewery, just hanging out in my bungalow. Think of Beto's Beanbag Bungalow as a metaphorical safe space where we can just be bros and figure out life together. We can talk through the tough issues facing our great land, and then decide where we stand based on consensus, quality polling, and wise counsel

from trusted friends at a handful of reputable national media outlets. And canvassing. Lots and lots of neighborhood canvassing. Because I don't know what I'm talking about most of the time, and neither do you. We don't have all the answers. But as long as we can agree to agree on the national legalization of pot, then the sky's the limit on what we can figure out together.

Take immigration for example. I can identify with border fence jumpers, because I too had to hop a fence once for a prank. And exactly like illegal immigrants who get unfairly arrested by evil ICE agents, I was apprehended by campus police just because I jumped the fence at the University of Texas at El Paso. Once I told them I wasn't actually a student there, that I'd actually been out of college for a few years, and once I told them my dad was a county judge, they were totally cool with it. Why can't we just be cool like that with our border crossers? We just need to find out who they really are, and who their dad is, and it'll be all good in the hood so to speak.

As for some of the other really hard issues of our time, critics say I avoid firm stances. But a lot of critics are just closet musicians who never got to rock out on a real stage. I've got plenty of stances…

Am I for or against a border wall? Sure.

Green New Deal or the status quo? Absolutely.

Socialism or capitalism? I'm actually for merging with Canada and Mexico to form the United States of Camerico.

Abortion? Yes, as long as it's the woman's choice.

Medicare for all? I prefer to call it Medicare for y'all, because I'm set for life. Just kidding. Of course I want free health care for all minorities.

Enough of the boring policy stuff. A little bit about my personal interests – like my terrific wife Amy, and our three kids that she raises: Ulysses, Molly and Henry. One of my campaign goals is to figure out replacement Hispanic names for each of them by the time I take office. Currently I'm leaning toward "Ariana", "Umberto", "Macarena", and "Hernando" respectively. I'm open to suggestions.

I think you already know about my taste in punk music. I also like shredding parking lots on my skateboard. In fact, as president, my first Executive Order would be ripping out the White House bowling alley and replacing it with some sweet skate ramps. I want to do things that will bring America together and I think America would agree that a skate park inside the White House would be totally dope. You can expect to see a lot of changes like that in the Beto White House.

I think you already know about my taste in punk music. I also like shredding parking lots on my skateboard.

One of my top priorities as president will be an annex to the West Wing that will serve as a rehab center for squirrels. Let me explain. During my debate last fall with Ted Cruz, I mentioned the time I went with my daughter to visit a blind squirrel that was in rehab. That

was an epic father/daughter/squirrel moment – so pure, raw, and real. There are so many squirrels on the White House grounds. And, to our nation's shame, we have yet to earmark a single dime in federal spending to help preserve these helpless creatures. They're not anywhere close to being endangered, but try telling that to the millennial squirrels who can see climate disaster on the horizon. Well, those who can see that is. That's why I want to establish our nation's first Center for Blind Squirrels, or CBS.

With their boundless energy and uncanny ability to save acorns for the future, squirrels remind me of you, America. Squirrels rely on the tree, and the tree is like the federal government. When it's healthy and strong, and not hampered by climate change, it provides everything we need for an abundant life. The squirrels don't have a care in the world, just scampering around the tree, enjoying all the entitlements that the tree incurs massive debt to provide. In fact, if I'm elected president, in my first hundred days I will direct Congress to change the national symbol of the U.S. from an eagle – which no one ever gets to see in the wild anyway – to the squirrel, which is in virtually every American's backyard. That way, every citizen will have a constant reminder of who we are as Americans – nimble, skittish, and utterly dependent on the tree.

Remember, all squirrels are welcome at the Bungalow… pull up a beanbag! Just check your convictions at the door. Because convictions are kind of like handguns. They can be super dangerous. So, they're best left with the safety on and locked in a gun safe. Or never purchased at all. You get the picture.

America, as I embark on this ultimate historic campaign road trip, I can only make you one absolute promise from the bottom of my heart… I will Facebook Live the whole thing.

In conclusion, to borrow a line from that cinematic classic from our BFFs across the pond, Notting Hill: "I'm just a boy – Beto – standing in front of a girl/boy/non-binary-America, asking him/her/it to love him."

America, as I embark on this ultimate historic campaign road trip, I can only make you one absolute promise from the bottom of my heart… I will Facebook Live the whole thing. From my morning bed-head and brushing my teeth, to my post-Whataburger bathroom trips, to my late-night-slow-burn air drum solos behind the steering wheel of my SUV, to my wife tucking me in at night with my favorite bedtime story – Dealing Death and Drugs: The Big Business of Dope in the U.S. and Mexico by Beto O'Rourke – it's going to be all Beto, all the time. At least until I gracefully bow out of the race to become Joe Biden's running mate and pretend like this wasn't the plan all along.

[NOTE: The preceding Memo was a parody written by MRA writer Nathan Nipper – not Beto O'Rourke. April Fools!]

The Woodrow Wilson strategy to get out of Mother’s Day

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I’ve got a potentially helpful revelation that’s gonna blow the lid off your plans for this Sunday. It’s Mother’s Day.

Yeah, that sacred day where you’re guilt-tripped into buying flowers, braving crowded brunch buffets, and pretending you didn’t forget to mail the card. But what if I told you… you don’t have to do it? That’s right, there’s a loophole, a get-out-of-Mother’s-Day-free card, and it’s stamped with the name of none other than… Woodrow Wilson (I hate that guy).

Back in 1914, ol’ Woody Wilson signed a proclamation that officially made Mother’s Day a national holiday. Second Sunday in May, every year. He said it was a day to “publicly express our love and reverence for the mothers of our country.” Sounds sweet, right? Until you peel back the curtain.

See, Wilson wasn’t some sentimental guy sitting around knitting doilies for his mom. No, no, no. This was a calculated move.

The idea for Mother’s Day had been floating around for decades, pushed by influential voices like Julia Ward Howe. By 1911, states were jumping on the bandwagon, but it took Wilson to make it federal. Why? Because he was a master of optics. This guy loved big, symbolic gestures to distract from the real stuff he was up to, like, oh, I don’t know, reshaping the entire federal government!

So here’s the deal: if you’re looking for an excuse to skip Mother’s Day, just lean into this. Say, “Sorry, Mom, I’m not celebrating a holiday cooked up by Woodrow Wilson!” I mean, think about it – this is the guy who gave us the Federal Reserve, the income tax, and don’t even get me started on his assault on basic liberties during World War I. You wanna trust THAT guy with your Sunday plans? I don’t think so! You tell your mom, “Look, I love you, but I’m not observing a Progressive holiday. I’m keeping my brunch money in protest.”

Now, I know what you might be thinking.

“Glenn, my mom’s gonna kill me if I try this.” Fair point. Moms can be scary. But hear me out: you can spin this. Tell her you’re honoring her EVERY DAY instead of some government-mandated holiday. You don’t need Wilson’s permission to love your mom! You can bake her a cake in June, call her in July, or, here’s a wild idea, visit her WITHOUT a Woodrow Wilson federal proclamation guilting you into it.

Shocking Christian massacres unveiled

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Is a Christian Genocide unfolding overseas?

Recent reports suggest an alarming escalation in violence against Christians, raising questions about whether these acts constitute genocide under international law. Recently, Glenn hosted former U.S. Army Special Forces Sniper Tim Kennedy, who discussed a predictive model that forecasts a surge in global Christian persecution for the summer of 2025.

From Africa to Asia and the Middle East, extreme actions—some described as genocidal—have intensified over the past year. Over 380 million Christians worldwide face high levels of persecution, a number that continues to climb. With rising international concern, the United Nations and human rights groups are urging protective measures by the global community. Is a Christian genocide being waged in the far corners of the globe? Where are they taking place, and what is being done?

India: Hindu Extremist Violence Escalates

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In India, attacks on Christians have surged as Hindu extremist groups gain influence within the country. In February 2025, Hindu nationalist leader Aadesh Soni organized a 50,000-person rally in Chhattisgarh, where he called for the rape and murder of all Christians in nearby villages and demanded the execution of Christian leaders to erase Christianity. Other incidents include forced conversions, such as a June 2024 attack in Chhattisgarh, where a Hindu mob gave Christian families a 10-day ultimatum to convert to Hinduism. In December 2024, a Christian man in Uttar Pradesh was attacked, forcibly converted, and paraded while the mob chanted "Death to Jesus."

The United States Commission on International Religious Freedom (USCIRF) recommends designating India a "Country of Particular Concern" and imposing targeted sanctions on those perpetrating these attacks. The international community is increasingly alarmed by the rising tide of religious violence in India.

Syria: Sectarian Violence Post-Regime Change

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Following the collapse of the Assad regime in December 2024, Syria has seen a wave of sectarian violence targeting religious minorities, including Christians, with over 1,000 killed in early 2025. It remains unclear whether Christians are deliberately targeted or caught in broader conflicts, but many fear persecution by the new regime or extremist groups. Hayat Tahrir al-Sham (HTS), a dominant rebel group and known al-Qaeda splinter group now in power, is known for anti-Christian sentiments, heightening fears of increased persecution.

Christians, especially converts from Islam, face severe risks in the unstable post-regime environment. The international community is calling for humanitarian aid and protection for Syria’s vulnerable minority communities.

Democratic Republic of Congo: A "Silent Genocide"

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In February 2025, the Allied Democratic Forces (ADF), an ISIS-affiliated group, beheaded 70 Christians—men, women, and children—in a Protestant church in North Kivu, Democratic Republic of Congo, after tying their hands. This horrific massacre, described as a "silent genocide" reminiscent of the 1994 Rwandan genocide, has shocked the global community.

Since 1996, the ADF and other militias have killed over six million people, with Christians frequently targeted. A Christmas 2024 attack killed 46, further decimating churches in the region. With violence escalating, humanitarian organizations are urging immediate international intervention to address the crisis.

POLL: Starbase exposed: Musk’s vision or corporate takeover?

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Is Starbase the future of innovation or a step too far?

Elon Musk’s ambitious Starbase project in South Texas is reshaping Boca Chica into a cutting-edge hub for SpaceX’s Starship program, promising thousands of jobs and a leap toward Mars colonization. Supporters see Musk as a visionary, driving economic growth and innovation in a historically underserved region. However, local critics, including Brownsville residents and activists, argue that SpaceX’s presence raises rents, restricts beach access, and threatens environmental harm, with Starbase’s potential incorporation as a city sparking fears of unchecked corporate control. As pro-Musk advocates clash with anti-Musk skeptics, will Starbase unite the community or deepen the divide?

Let us know what you think in the poll below:

Is Starbase’s development a big win for South Texas?

Should Starbase become its own city?

Is Elon Musk’s vision more of a benefit than a burden for the region?

Shocking truth behind Trump-Zelenskyy mineral deal unveiled

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President Donald Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy have finalized a landmark agreement that will shape the future of U.S.-Ukraine relations. The agreement focuses on mineral access and war recovery.

After a tense March meeting, Trump and Zelenskyy signed a deal on Wednesday, April 30, 2025, granting the U.S. preferential mineral rights in Ukraine in exchange for continued military support. Glenn analyzed an earlier version of the agreement in March, when Zelenskyy rejected it, highlighting its potential benefits for America, Ukraine, and Europe. Glenn praised the deal’s strategic alignment with U.S. interests, including reducing reliance on China for critical minerals and fostering regional peace.

However, the agreement signed this week differs from the March proposal Glenn praised. Negotiations led to significant revisions, reflecting compromises on both sides. What changes were made? What did each leader seek, and what did they achieve? How will this deal impact the future of U.S.-Ukraine relations and global geopolitics? Below, we break down the key aspects of the agreement.

What did Trump want?

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Trump aimed to curb what many perceive as Ukraine’s overreliance on U.S. aid while securing strategic advantages for America. His primary goals included obtaining reimbursement for the billions in military aid provided to Ukraine, gaining exclusive access to Ukraine’s valuable minerals (such as titanium, uranium, and lithium), and reducing Western dependence on China for critical resources. These minerals are essential for aerospace, energy, and technology sectors, and Trump saw their acquisition as a way to bolster U.S. national security and economic competitiveness. Additionally, he sought to advance peace talks to end the Russia-Ukraine war, positioning the U.S. as a key mediator.

Ultimately, Trump secured preferential—but not exclusive—rights to extract Ukraine’s minerals through the United States-Ukraine Reconstruction Investment Fund, as outlined in the agreement. The U.S. will not receive reimbursement for past aid, but future military contributions will count toward the joint fund, designed to support Ukraine’s post-war recovery. Zelenskyy’s commitment to peace negotiations under U.S. leadership aligns with Trump’s goal of resolving the conflict, giving him leverage in discussions with Russia.

These outcomes partially meet Trump’s objectives. The preferential mineral rights strengthen U.S. access to critical resources, but the lack of exclusivity and reimbursement limits the deal’s financial benefits. The peace commitment, however, positions Trump as a central figure in shaping the war’s resolution, potentially enhancing his diplomatic influence.

What did Zelenskyy want?

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Zelenskyy sought to sustain U.S. military and economic support without the burden of repaying past aid, which has been critical for Ukraine’s defense against Russia. He also prioritized reconstruction funds to rebuild Ukraine’s war-torn economy and infrastructure. Security guarantees from the U.S. to deter future Russian aggression were a key demand, though controversial, as they risked entangling America in long-term commitments. Additionally, Zelenskyy aimed to retain control over Ukraine’s mineral wealth to safeguard national sovereignty and align with the country’s European Union membership aspirations.

The final deal delivered several of Zelenskyy’s priorities. The reconstruction fund, supported by future U.S. aid, provides a financial lifeline for Ukraine’s recovery without requiring repayment of past assistance. Ukraine retained ownership of its subsoil and decision-making authority over mineral extraction, granting only preferential access to the U.S. However, Zelenskyy conceded on security guarantees, a significant compromise, and agreed to pursue peace talks under Trump’s leadership, which may involve territorial or political concessions to Russia.

Zelenskyy’s outcomes reflect a delicate balance. The reconstruction fund and retained mineral control bolster Ukraine’s economic and sovereign interests, but the absence of security guarantees and pressure to negotiate peace could strain domestic support and challenge Ukraine’s long-term stability.

What does this mean for the future?

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While Trump didn’t secure all his demands, the deal advances several of his broader strategic goals. By gaining access to Ukraine’s mineral riches, the U.S. undermines China’s dominance over critical elements like lithium and graphite, essential for technology and energy industries. This shift reduces American and European dependence on Chinese supply chains, strengthening Western industrial and tech sectors. Most significantly, the agreement marks a pivotal step toward peace in Europe. Ending the Russia-Ukraine war, which has claimed thousands of lives, is a top priority for Trump, and Zelenskyy’s commitment to U.S.-led peace talks enhances Trump’s leverage in negotiations with Russia. Notably, the deal avoids binding U.S. commitments to Ukraine’s long-term defense, preserving flexibility for future administrations.

The deal’s broader implications align with the vision Glenn outlined in March, when he praised its potential to benefit America, Ukraine, and Europe by securing resources and creating peace. While the final agreement differs from Glenn's hopes, it still achieves key goals he outlined.

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