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Stu's totally out of context 'Game of Thrones' Review | Episode 5

May 14, 2019
 Staff

WRITER

The following is part of an ongoing experiment by Glenn Beck program heartthrob, Stu Burguiere, to begin watching Game of Thrones in its final season, without any previous context. Other than highlights shown in commercials, Stu has never seen a second of Game of Thrones, and has never read a word about its characters or plot lines.

PREVIOUSLY on Game of Thrones: it seems like all the people who hated each other but then started working together, now hate each other again.

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS THIS WEEK!

- I think I missed last week's episode, but it's possible the opening credits have just been playing since last week, and I joined at the right time
- Uncle Fester is writing a letter
- Angry Elf is still alive
- Uncle Fester and John Snow(?) are saying their queen doesn't want to eat and shouldn't be left alone
- John Snow doesn't want to be king?
- Queen Blondie has a nice open air balcony with a sweet view
- Angry Elf apparently needs to ask Queen Blondie's permission before doing things, she must have a higher rank
- Uncle Fester burns his letter and hides his ring
- Uncle Fester brought to the beach at night
- Queen Blondie's name is Denarys! (or similar!)
- Uncle Fester sentenced to death by dragon fire breath
- There is some hidden truth about John Snow (maybe he's transitioned?)
- Queen Blondie and John Snow make out because the time immediately after burning a man to death is very romantic
- If some city rings bells, Queen Blondie will stop the attack
- "Next time you fail me, will be the last time you fail me" says Queen Blondie to Angry Elf
- Not a lot of smiling going on in this region
- Angry Elf tries to tell Obi Wan Kenobi a secret, which is difficult because of their height difference
- Frumpy Girl wants to kill Sercy?
- Someone known as the "Stupidest Lannister" is in prison
- Stupid Lannister gets freed by Angry Elf, going to do something to stop a lot of innocent people from dying
- "Tens of thousands of innocent people for one not so innocent dwarf. Seems like a fair trade"
- Angry Elf gives emotional speech to Stupid Lannister who was the only person around who was nice to him as a kid. A little middle school drama.
- Stupid Lannister has gold hand
- Doors to break into castle has disturbing amount of space between them
- 2 big armies stare each other down. At this point, it's important to note that I don't know why they're fighting or who they are
- Queen Love Child of Mick Jagger and Robin Wright makes an appearance
- Dragon versus old times wooden boats proving to be a bit of a mismatch
- Seems like instead of making lots of crossbows, these people should put their resources into dragon development and recruiting
- Dragon proves that my concern about the space between the doors was misplaced
- Unclear why they even bother to send an army when they have the dragon
- Queen Blondie is riding a dragon again. She should spend time making a saddle to make it easier
- Bells in the city ring, which is supposed to stop an attack—even though it's kind of already happened
- My interpretation is the people in the city surrendered, but Queen Blondie kept attacking, killing lots of people for no reason
- This horrifies John Snow and Angry Elf. Queen Blondie has gone dark… not with the hair, but with her murderous tendencies
- Considering all the stabbing and beheading, the dragons flame might be the preferable way to die
- Stupid Lannister is fighting with the lead singer of Coldplay,who apparently swam to safety following near direct hit from dragon
- Stupid Lannister gets himself stabbed
- Queen Mick Jagger/Robin Wright finally figures out she's going to lose and leaves her fancy tower
- Coldplay Lead Singer gets stabbed too. Stupid Lannister's name is possibly Jim Lannister?
- Frumpy Girl contemplates getting revenge on someone, maybe the Queen. Then thanks tall guy named Sandor or maybe Sandle
- Sandle's brother is a guard for the Queen. He kills the Queen's assistant so he can fight Sandle
- Big guard guy looks like Darth Vader without his helmet
- Stupid Lannister has connection Mick Jagger/Robin Wright Queen. She's in a very desperate place, similar to Robin Wright when she married Sean Penn
- Giant Darth Vader without his helmet gets stabbed with long sword, seems to enjoy it
- Again, since the dragon has done all the work, why did they send all these important people into this city?
- Frumpy Girl getting trampled, keeps getting saved at last second, indicating she's an important character
- Giant helmet-free Darth Vader gets stabbed a dozen times or so without dying, so his brother, now without eyes, tackles him off the side of the castle, probably killing them both
- Very dusty with the buildings all collapsing around them. Feels like there could be some fertile ground for the mesothelioma lawyers of the time
- Stupid Lannister and Mick Jagger/Robin Wright Queen escaping in underground tunnel
- Underground tunnel is no longer a tunnel
- Frumpy Girl really mourning lady who helped her up in previous scene
- Everyone is charred, but a horse inexplicably totally fine
- Again, Frumpy must be a big character for all of these nice coincidences to happen to her

Is Glenn Beck really a Jedi?

Would Glenn make a better bounty hunter or a Jedi? You'll have to find out in a new episode of the Beltway Banthas Podcast, where Glenn goes deep on Star Wars with host Stephen Kent. In this 45 minute discussion, Stephen and Glenn explore the political themes of the Star Wars franchise, Darth Vader's redemption from Return of the Jedi, Glenn's earliest memories of seeing the films and even debate elements of the latest Star Wars films.

If you enjoy the pop culture and nerdy discussions that Glenn, Pat and Stu get into on the radio show, you'll love this! After you're through, you can also check out Stu Burguiere's appearance on Beltway Banthas to talk Star Wars. You can find that here.


Get 'em before they're gone!: Your handy 2019 progressive gift guide

Wikemedia Commons

It's never too early to start your Christmas, Hanukah, or Kwanzaa shopping. Or even birthday gift shopping. Especially if that special someone in your life is a Democrat. Because at last count, pretty much all the Democrats are now running for president. And that means there has never been a wider selection of official candidate merchandise to choose from. Whether you're into environmentalism, feminism, classism, socialism, or just plain love, there is a smorgasbord of classy items that you and yours will treasure forever... or at least until the next presidential election.

We have browsed each of the candidates' online stores, so you don't have to (it only took us three months). We have curated only the finest items from each of the Democrats running for president of the United States of America. Without further ado, here is your handy progressive gift guide – or maybe your what-not-to-gift guide.

First, the bargain basement options. Hurry! Time is running out to grab your Beto bandana, or your Delaney pack of golf balls, because at this point Stu has as much of a chance as these guys of getting the nomination.

Tom Steyer, for example – is he still in the race?


https://shop.tomsteyer.com/collections/frontpage/products/tom-2020-pattern-tee


There's way too much Tom here. That shirt's got more Toms than a Caucasian dentists' convention.

For the slightly more moderate Democrat in your life, perhaps they'd like to join the "Yang Gang"…

https://shop.yang2020.com/collections/bumper-stickers/products/yanggang-decal


Andrew Yang is a lock for Math Club president…


https://shop.yang2020.com/collections/apparel/products/math-hat


But for actual president? Well, I wouldn't make plans for how you're going to spend your $1,000-per-month Yang allowance just yet.

If you happen to be shopping for your dog, may I suggest this lovely "Dogs for Delaney" dog collar…


https://store.johndelaney.com/products/dogs-for-delaney-collar


John Delaney's definitely going to secure the canine vote with this kind of outreach. As for any human votes, that's another question entirely.

How 'bout this tastefully understated "Natural Canvas" Michael Bennet tote to remind you he's also still here?...


https://store.michaelbennet.com/michael-bennet-for-america-natural-canvas-tote/


Then again, it's a tote. So, it'll end up on the floor of your closet and you won't have it with you until that one random moment when you're out somewhere and you really need a tote bag. Just like Democrats will really wish they had a moderate when we're in the middle of the socialist nightmare of their creation.

Captain Planet himself, Jay Inslee recently dropped out of the race, but don't let that stop you from picking up what may be the greatest single item sold by anyone in this race…


https://store.jayinslee.com/elvis-the-elves-the-mystery-of-the-melting-snow-by-jay-inslee/


A children's book called Elvis & the Elves: the Mystery of the Melting Snow. Written and illustrated by Governor Jay Inslee. Talk about a whodunnit – how could that snow possibly be melting? Spoiler alert: it's because of evil, white, patriarchal capitalism. And Donald Trump.

Then there's the candidate who thinks you're a moron that can't pronounce his last name: Steve Bullock...


https://shop.stevebullock.com/collections/apparel/products/emoji-t-shirt


Get it? Bull. Lock. Oh, so that's how you say the name that sounds exactly how it's spelled.

There's another candidate who also thinks you need help pronouncing his last name…


https://store.peteforamerica.com/collections/apparel/products/boot-edge-edge-t-shirt


And he is definitely right about that. So, thank you, Pete "Boot Edge Edge." That helps.

Just outside the bargain bin section, but just barely, are candidates like Julian Castro and his "El Presidente" t-shirt…


https://store.julianforthefuture.com/julian-castro-loteria-card-white-tee/


When your last name's Castro, do you really want to go with a weird drawing of yourself as if you're a classic Latin American dictator on a postage stamp?

If you prefer a little "dark psychic forces" battling in your candidates, you'll love Marianne Williamson's "Turn Love Into a Political Force" rally sign…


https://store.marianne2020.com/collections/signs/products/love-rally-sign


"Turn Love Into a Political Force" would be an even better title for a Marianne Williamson album of 80s cover songs. And if you think I'm joking, then you haven't heard Bernie Sanders' classic 1987 folk album, We Shall Overcome. That's not a joke. Well, it is a joke, but it's also a very real thing.

Now, just a quick pause to consider the peculiar baby-wear that way too many candidates are selling…

…including Elizabeth Warren's trans-pride flag onesie. Let me get this straight – we can't force any gender on a child, because that's just cruel. But we can force a political advertisement on a baby? How do we know that baby is actually a Biden or Warren fan? The child may not even be a Democrat or a Socialist at all. That baby might self-identify as a Libertarian, or Republican, or even worse – a moderate Democrat.

Now to the premium items from the premium candidates. Elizabeth Warren – the candidate with the most honesty in her advertising…


https://shop.elizabethwarren.com/collections/apparel/products/impolite-arrogant-women-make-history-unisex-t-shirt

-AND-

https://shop.elizabethwarren.com/collections/drinkware/products/strong-american-unions-mug


Warren's merchandise reflects the woman herself – cold and humorless (watch her "This isn't funny" clip from the last debate here at the 4:27 mark). I'm sure she's really fun once you get to know her. Then again, maybe not.

Speaking of serious women, Kamala Harris wants to be president very badly for you, the people, as you can tell from her "For the People" poster…


https://store.kamalaharris.org/poster-for-the-people/


At $29.99 though, she's sure not charging "people's" prices. Of course, she might be having to pay royalties to a certain someone for riffing on their poster. Just saying.

For the race's number one socialist, there's a whole lot of capitalism going on in Bernie Sanders' campaign. He sells so many delightful items that it's hard to choose. But we did anyway. The most random item is this hundred-dollar, black, "Art of a Political Revolution – Artists for Bernie Sanders Coaches Jacket"…


https://store.berniesanders.com/collections/apparel/products/artists-for-bernie-coaches-jacket


Coaches across the land will be clamoring for this one. You know, since coaches are such a strong Bernie-socialist demographic.

If that's a little over your budget you might consider a "Feel the Bern" fanny pack, to help store all those government freebies you'll get from Bernie…


https://store.berniesanders.com/collections/apparel/products/feel-the-bern-fanny-pack


This is the only context in which you'll ever want to hear "feel the burn" and "fanny" in the same sentence.

And finally, from front-runner Joe Biden, we have this fine "Women's Fitted Biden Polo." Which is just about the best polo description ever…


https://store.joebiden.com/collections/apparel/products/biden-polo-womens-fit


It promises the kind of snug approach that Biden loves to provide women. Even when they don't ask.

Restoring Beck Ranch: Take a tour of my 1882 cabin

This was one of the first homesteads in the area in the 1880's and was just begging to be brought back to its original glory — with a touch of modern. When we first purchased the property, it was full of old stuff without any running water, central heat or AC, so needless to say, we had a huge project ahead of us. It took some vision and a whole lot of trust, but the mess we started with seven years ago is now a place we hope the original owners would be proud of.

To restore something like this is really does take a village. It doesn't take much money to make it cozy inside, if like me you are willing to take time and gather things here and there from thrift shops and little antique shops in the middle of nowhere.

But finding the right craftsman is a different story.

Matt Jensen and his assistant Rob did this entire job from sketches I made. Because he built this in his off hours it took just over a year, but so worth the wait. It wasn't easy as it was 18"out of square. He had to build around that as the entire thing we felt would collapse. Matt just reinforced the structure and we love its imperfections.

Here are a few pictures of the process and the transformation from where we started to where we are now:

​How it was

It doesn't look like much yet, but just you wait and see!

Restoring Beck Ranch: Take a tour of my 1882 cabin

By request a photo tour of the restored cabin. I start doing the interior design in earnest tomorrow after the show, but all of the construction guys are now done. So I mopped the floors, washed the sheets, some friends helped by washing the windows. And now the unofficial / official tour.

The Property

The views are absolutely stunning and completely peaceful.